Oscar-Worthy Moments

It has happened again. Yet another circumstance where I thought to myself: I should blog this. I have to blog THIS!!!

As my regular readers are aware, there is usually some serious drama in my house courtesey of my MIL, Monster. (By the way, that whole "Monster In Law" name? I thought of it. I should sue whomever made that film, dammit!) I'm just the cNN news service that reports it. Think of me as your occasional online news and drama reporter,hmmm?

Now where was I? Oh yes. Oscar-worthy moments.

You see, it would seem that, well, apparently,she is telling everyone that will listen that I'm trying to kill her crazy ass.

What a load of crap. She is not worth the price of my immortal soul, belive you me! Let me start from the beginning.

The other night I was at Az's (the triplets) house with Z visiting and chatting when his mobile rings. Az and Daddy J immediately say "Grandma" since she usually has complete hissyfits when we go ANYWHERE and calls with something or another shreiking and going basically bonkers till Z toddles on home like a good boy. Ugh. Anyway, they were close and half of a cigar. It's Arianna who is at home with Monster and Ari tells him "Grandma fell down in the hall, Siony picked her up from the floor.". So he says " Is anything broken? No. Ok. Good. She's back in her room? Ok, I'm coming". then jumps up saying "My mom fell down" and runs down the street to our house leaving the rest of us staring at each other.

Forgive me (and Az and Daddy J for that matter) for being highly skeptical here, okay?This is an almost nightly thing. She has called with such other Oscar Moments as "I'm seeing black... I'm dyiiiiiiiingggggg..... waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh*click*" etc... (Go on get creative. I'm sure you can all imagine the possibilities. Then again, perhaps not!)

So, left alone together, we are all staring at each other wondering, just what the hell she is up to this time when Az, monsters firstborn grandchild of 14, says looking at me and full of mirth:
" I've fallen,AND I CAN'T GET UPPPPPPPPPPPP" which makes all three of us burst out in laughter.

I just know you are all on edge waiting with baited breath to know if she is ok. So. Yeah. She's ok. Nothing wrong with her. (other than mentally, as usual)

So. Guess how she fell down! Guess where and on WHAT she tripped?

Go on.... guess....

Here, in the hallway where I sit and type to y'all emails and blog posts and do my blog surfing.

She tripped on the inet line that stretches across the hallway into my bedroom on the tile floor. The very same wire that has been here for ONE AND A HALF YEARS that no one else has managed to trip on (and this is with 6 preteen girls playing tag in my house, too!). It is tight to the floor and not something that can be 'tripped on' easily.

Funny thing is... if she tripped on the wire, which runs between and under my computer table and sofa(there is a 3 seater sofa here right next to my computer table and my hallway is not THAT wide-maybe 5ft 3in wide or so) so if she tripped on my end of the sofa, how, may I ask, did she end up on her ass at the far end of the hall at the other end of the sofa AND on the tile instead of tossing her ass on the big comfy sofa right next to her? This is a move worthy of a baseball player sliding in to Home if she's telling the truth, distance wise.

I don't. think. so.

So, basically she is sore and moaning a bit (Az went to go observe and return with a report) but nothing broken or swollen. Just a red mark on her upper arm. So, since her son stayed at home instead of coming back to us, she was generally happy. ie: she got her way.

The best thing is Monster's Oscar performance. Grabbing her hand and arm and limping around.... When Z is around. much moaning and groaning... limping and the like...
when he's not around? she is wandering around FINE.

Anyhow,next morning I wake up and as I exit my bedroom, I notice that MIL has taken my scotch tape and taped the wire to the tile...a really crap job.... putting long lengths of tape every 1/2 or 1/4 inch along the wire. ACROSS THE WIRE, not lengthwise even. HOW CREATIVE. (I should be happy that she didn't find my stash of duct tape, huh?That would look like absolute shit on my eggshell colored tile, now wouldn't it?)

SO, as I'm staring in disbelief at this bang up tape job, Angel the cat comes traipsing by. Yes, if you saw her walk, you would agree that 'traipsing' is the appropriate term, and now she is pregnant, so it's even MORE pronounced.

Angel is pure white, very big, and has big beautiful butterscotch gold eyes and is one of the most intelligent cats I have ever seen. She is the cat I have nicknamed "Homeland Security" because if there is anything or anyone different in the house, she will inspect it in her rounds before she settles down. She is also highly protective of Arianna, much like a guard dog and shadows her incessantly.

Therefore on her rounds, she walks over said wire and past it. Then screeches to a dead halt with her ears cocked, looks back at the floor, turns around and goes STRAIGHT TO THE WIRE AND TAPE. She begins sniffing madly much like a coke addict trying to get a hit and stares at it like "what the HELL?????" looks at me whereupon I tell her "hell if I know!", back down again and then starts..............

TRYING TO RIP UP THE TAPE frantically. I SHIT YOU NOT!!!! (I also believe I told you she is a very intelligent animal, no?)

I collapsed ont the sofa laughing my butt off. (see? It's not that hard to aim for the sofa. I mean, it IS right next to you, not even 6 inches from your body!) I said in between gasping breaths watching Angel's continued efforts to rip the tape up "Even the cat knows that is fucked up and WRONG!WAAAAAAAhhhhhhaaaahahahahahahahahaha".

So, ever since that day, I have watched Monster literally run around the house and lift things and walk perfectly fine (all the while cursing me under her breath, or very loudly) but the nanosecond her son walks in the door? 'Ooyyyyyyyy!!!!! My ARM! MY LEG!!!! Owwwwwww!" with much limping and grabing of arm to hold it close to her body and wincing and whining. I watch this all with utter amazement. Not only I watch this, but Arianna watches it, but the live in Aupair -Siony-we have watches as well. (She is a wonderful lady we have to be here when I'm at work (Yeah, peanut gallery, WHEN I have a job!) or if we want to go out at nights or whatever so Monster is free to go and do what she wants when she wants since she doesn't like watching her grandaughter. The poor lady also helps out watching over Monster and gives her massages for her arthritis and cleans her room for her). So,we all watch this drama unfold in front of our eyes daily with gaping mouths and much shaking of heads. Siony saying quietly to me: "How she is around Z is completely different when he isn't here! I tell you! Neither Arianna nor myself saw her actually fall. And why she didn't land on the sofa? She just started moaning and telling Arianna to call her father."

Z home= Much acting and near death experiences
Z not home= not a damn thing wrong. Even dancing and singing (along with curses)

Siony is very bright and so funny. She also made an interesting observation. She said to me "It's funny, isn't it? She has many children and grandchildren, and they know she 'fell' and even before that, but NONE of them come by or call to see how she is. Even the grandaughter two doors down doesn't come. Only one daughter, N, will call every now and then. Hmmm. Odd." Yeah Siony, no kidding hon. Yeah, funny that.

Now? It has come to my attention that she has told pretty much everyone-yes, that includes Siony,the triplets nannies-all 3 of em!- the neighbors, their housemaids and cooks and gardners, her children- that it was deliberate on my part and that I'm trying to kill her. All this shit for some attention and sympathy that is NOT forthcoming? Sick.

(for the record, no, my spouse does nothing to dispell this rumor and says nothing to her of her incessant slandering of my reputation. He laughs. I even heard him tell one of his friends on the phone that said to him "so, I heard your wife shoved your mom on the floor" and he said 'heh. yeah probably". to which I became higly offended and appalled and said to him as he hung up "How can you let ANYONE joke about me that way? I was not even in the same freaking house when it happened!!!! I was WITH YOU!Why couldn't you just say that?" He just laughed and said "so what, let people think what they want." So, for the record and here on the internet for anyone to see, I say this: NO. I am not trying to off this crazy old bat. ok? I'll let her croak on her own and answer to God, or try to, and I think we all know where this evil thing will end up in the end anyway.)

Oh for Christssake! If I was going to do it:
a) I would have done it ages ago and
b) I would do it RIGHT.

Give me a little credit here, jeez!

So, without further ado, drumroll please!



And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to....................................................................................... MONSTER... for "I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!"

Inquisition Confession – Week 12

Hi everyone! I'm here with Miss Scarlett, my cat, keeping me company laying sprawled out on my computer and I'm STILL high on Dimetapp and now running a fever and my poor bod is achy. Ick.

I know for a fact I have a few male readers, but for the life of me, I have no idea why they won't come out to play with us ladies! Oh well. I'm ready to answer your questions darlings while I still can.

I had just swigged my Dimetapp fix before I read this from Cheryl B. She cracks me up! I absolutely adore her Castle (p*rn shop) stories! I just HAD to share!

My question will follow, but first, to cheer you up....When I worked at Castle there was this guy who worked at 24 hour fitness and he had to put little boxes in all the local businesses for monthly drawings for free trial memberships. So he came in about once a week to collect them. He was very nice and we talked a lot (I thought he was gay!), and he had a big crush on me. I found out that he stripped in his spare time for extra money (like at bachelorette parties). Did I mention that he was wicked hot! So he comes in one day and wants me to help him pick out something new to ware to his stripping gigs. I gave him a black leather thong and a pair of chaps. He asked me to wait by the dressing room to make sure it looked good, I was more then happy to oblige. When he was done he opened the door and WAS ONLY WEARING THE CHAPS! I'm telling you, no matter how many pictures and recreations of cocks you see there nothing so shocking as the unexpected sight of one waggling at you.

Question time.....What is your funniest penis story?

My funniest penis story involves a rock star. Is that cheesy? Well, the fact remains that this has to be best penis story I can come up with.

It was the summer of 1996. My then friend (I thought) Kathy was seeing a guitarist who, at the time, was a member of Duran Dur*n and touring with them, but had previously been a member of Missing Per*ons, named Warren.

Before I go any further, I would like to say that with the exception of this one incident, he was always kind, considerate and such a sweetheart to me when I was around. So he slipped up once. Maybe he was testing me, I don't know and don't care really, cause he is such a darling.

Anyway, we, Kathy, Rebecca and I were up in his hotel room visiting him and watching a movie. He was on tour and honestly, wanted some friendly faces around and some chit chat. I thought it was nice of him to include Rebecca and I when he could have dumped our asses just to be with Kathy, you know? (Mind you, Kathy was the one trying to dump us!)

Anyway, Kathy got it into her head to take a shower and left the three of us sitting around talking and what not. I was sitting closest to Warren, literally not even a foot away, in a chair, Rebecca to my left and Warren sitting on the bed.

Becca was preoccupied with channel surfing and Warren and I were talking about God knows what when I noticed he had a naughty grin on his face and was looking into my eyes. I still don't know why I glanced down, but I did and….

I almost fell out of my seat. He was fondling himself right in front of me! He had whipped out the BIGGEST PENIS I've ever seen in person or on film (even till now). I kid you not! (If you ask me all pretty like, I will tell you how big he is. Well enquiring minds?)

I guess my eyes must have bugged out and I'm damn sure I blushed and looked over at Becca (who NATURALLY happened to look over right at that moment) and then, naturally back down to his lap and back up to his grinning face as I said "Warrennn!!" and he immediately apologized to me and put himself away. He mumbled something about keeping his hands limber and occupied when not playing guitar and asked me with a big wink "Sorry hon. Forgive me?" and I did.

He never did it again and thankfully Kathy never found out. Becca and I both swore not to tell her so as not to hurt her feelings. She would have had a hissyfit and a half too.

I have to say, thinking back on it, I'm still extremely impressed with Warrens endowments. According to Kathy, he knew how to use it too!

Ahem!

Now we get to Carrie Jo's tamer question:

How much of a bitch does one have to be to get their money back from a company that took it when they weren't supposed to? And a bonus question of: I wonder if you put some vodka in the Dimetapp if it would have the same effect as Nyquil?

Well Carrie since I don’t know details I'll speak in general terms, all right? At first, hold back the bitch. Save the bitch for a later stage if being nice doesn't work or if staff you are dealing with get shitty with you and you need to go to management. I would file, politely, an official complaint with the management in person and also in writing (proof). Then, do follow up's if they didn't refund the money right then. Take notes of who you spoke to, and when (day, time,etc.) and any promises made if any. If after, say, a couple of days you hear nothing after your follow ups, then ask for a manager higher up , name names after explaining the problem. At this point, get bitchy if you have to.

Threaten to sue (God, but I love America! "I'll sue your ass!"), if it was taken from a credit card, before you do anything, REPORT THE MISSCHARGE. Then, take steps to have it reversed and tell the management. Tell them you will file a complaint with the Business Bureau, etc… That should get some asses in gear. Just don't cuss. If you cuss, you put them immediately on the defensive. But get loud if necessary, show you are upset, as is your right. Fight them with logic. "Calm down? Tell me, if you were in my place, after trying to take care of this mistake and dealing with Mr. XYZ, would you BE CALM? I don't think so!"

If this doesn't work? Give me details…. And I'll give you detailed responses. Asshats. I hate when this happens.

Carrie Jo asked me the vodka and Dimetapp question cause I told her Ny Quill isn't sold here because it has alcohol in it so therefore cannot be sold over the counter in drugstores. A pity that. Honestly. (and I am a walking/blogging NyQuill commercial here people!)

Frankly darling, I haven't the foggiest idea. Anyone out there know? Man but I miss NyQuill.

Here comes my long time friend Catrina with this entry. I am posting most of the whole freaking entry for two reasons. 1) Because some of you may NOT have seen her comment on the previous post and 2) because some of you DID see it, and, well, Cat, bless her (reeeeoooowwww pfffft!) probably got you all itching to ask me more questions as a result. I aim to please.

Anyhoo, Cat asked:

Hey Cyn, remember when I was pregnant (and no one knew) and we went to that gay bar with the male dancer and I put cash in his g-string? AAAAHHH.....the good 'ol days. And then that lezbiana asked if I would put money in her panties? Sorry this comment is so gross. Hope it made you smile.

Question: What colors are your walls, or what color do you want to paint them...or are you a wall paper girl?

First things first. Yes Catrina, you not only made me smile, but you made me laugh my ass off! (how can I be congested AND have a runny nose? I don't get it)

In the omitted part, she recounted some of her penis stories. I just have to mention that my Mom's friend, who is also a nurse, told her this funny story of a big guy that came into the ER back in the 70's.

They rolled the guy in on the gurney and then the nursing staff had to cut his pants off to get at the injury.

Now please remember, this is back in the late 70's when all the dudes wore tight polyester pants so you could see their package. Well, it would appear that this particular guy looked SUPER endowed. Then once the pants were cut off, everyone started sniggering to themselves. This guy had strapped a big sausage to his leg so it looked like he was big! Isn't that funny?hahahahahaaaaaaa.

Yes Cat, I DO indeed remember our trip to the gay club that had male dancers on a stage in g-strings.

Talk about a can of worms. Readers, Cat and I went to the gay club with my BIL, whos gay and Z was with me-us- as well. A bunch of friends went together. What can I say? It had the best music. The DJ was amazing! A very non-threatening atmosphere if you just want to dance and have a good time, really and not worry about getting hit on. Usually. Cause, well, a different lesbian grabbed my ass that night. Cat and I must have been on a roll or something! Heh. On to Cat's real question for the day…..

What colors are your walls, or what color do you want to paint them...or are you a wall paper girl?

I paint them actually. Never been much of a wallpaper girl. (Runners are nice though) Can't really have wallpaper here with all the humidity that we have most of the year. I also am really super anal about wallpaper and I hate to see improperly installed wallpaper, and also how it tends to peel and bubble later on. I much prefer paint.

Lets see. Most of my walls are painted Magnolia. It is not white and not cream. More of a beautiful off white. It is not stark like pure white and I find cream to look dirty, really and it darkens the house also. Magnolia is very welcoming and goes with pretty much all color schemes.

I said most of my walls. In my living room, which is a rectangle. I have two walls in an L-shape with two window apiece. On those windows I have beautiful turquoise drapes hanging. On the walls with windows, I have Magnolia, a nice neutral color. On the walls opposite, they are painted a very pale salmon color. I mean PALE and sheer. (trick for this later) In this room is a huge custom made sofa set of a 4 seater (but we've had 5 on it comfortably) and 2 jumbo loveseats in cream brocade with throw pillows the same color as the curtains. Opposite is a single seater in a deeper shade of turquoise set against one of the salmon walls. I've been told the room effect is soothing and welcoming at the same time.

The entrance hall and hallway are Magnolia. Ari's room has pale yellow walls which pick up the color in her matching drapes and bed clothes. The bed clothes and drapes are this vibrant Crayola blue-green (yes, like the crayon) with big flowers in Fuchsia ,Lavender and Bright yellow on it. (fuchsia jersey sheets!) The yellow walls balance it out tremendously. My room? Pale, very sheer lavender walls. The drapes and comforter at present are called African Violet, but I don't think that is perhaps the best description of the color. It is a beautiful medium violet color. but I have a few different comforters/ duvet covers that I alternate that all go well with this. Don't forget my new jersey sheets that I adore!!!! Popcorn yellow. Ahhhhh. There is a cream loveseat in my room too and the furniture is white, so the room is bright and airy.

Now, my painting tip. Most people I know (back home) slap paint straight on the walls from the can. Um, no.I know I used to. But here, I learned something easy that is really nice.

This works well on matte or semi-matte finishes for INTERIOR water based painting. Add water to the paint and mix well.

Yes, I'm serious. Not a lot of water, mind you, but a bit, a little at a time. By a bit, I mean a maximum of a couple of cups. It will give you a lovely finish to the paint and enable you to get a lovely sheer color on your walls. Also? Dries in about half the time!

Another hint when buying paint. (I miss Home Depot too!) When looking at paint swatches (you know the strips with about 5 colors on 'em from light to dark.) if say you like the second color down on the swatch? Tell the paint guy to give you No 1. Why? Cause the paint in the can is always…. ALWAYS a couple of shades darker or brighter than the swatch you're in love with. (ie, option 3 or 4) If you like Color 1, the top color on the swatch, then tell paint guy to adjust the mix ratio in the paint drum. (you know, the enter a number in the computer, put it in, and the computer drops color into white paint and shakes the hell out of it) They CAN and will adjust it. Alternately… buy some pure white paint to lighten it with if it's truly hideous when you get home.

On that note, I want to run an idea by you all…

I've been toying with the idea of an 'attached" blog of Scarlett's Haven for advice. An offshoot if you will where I give advice. I'm curious what you all think about it.

It could cover a wide range of subjects even something like, well, painting. But with a disclaimer of course, since I don't want any Jenny Jones episodes due to my advice and I think I'm a lot NICER than Dr. Laura (who I DO listen to, btw). It's just that I find myself asked for advice often about all sorts of things from tricks for bringing up baby, to romantic things, (It's a joke that I'm like Dr. Ruth) or, well, anything. When to be a bitch and when NOT to be. Etc…. like so.

Drop me a comment below or email (Scarlett.Cyn@gmail.com) and let me know what you think or any ideas you might have.

Until my next post, adios my darlings!

Elixir of the Gods

Look I think that used to be what they called wine or sommat back in the day, you know, during the Roman Empire or some such.

But today?(tonight) my Elixir appears to be Dimetapp... and in copious amounts.

I am rapidly feeling like absolute shit, my friends, burning runny nose, itchy watery eyes, sneezing like HELL, runny nose (did I mention that? well, it's bad) burning tight throat.... and... feeling a bit achy and warm.

I broke down and opened the new box of Dimetapp Elixir. I haven't taken this in ages. So. I like a good responsible person, read the doseage instructions... and then stare at them like I'm seeing things for a good 3 minutes. Check it out.

Adults and children 12 years and over: 4tsp every 4 hours

4 tsp? Every 4 hrs? Aw HELL YA! But with a 4oz bottle, how long will this actually last me? another thing. I just read the fine print.....

*do not take more than 4 does in a 24 hour period.

Is my math wrong, or did they just fuck with their own instructions? cause, to me, every 4 hrs = 6 doses a day ie: a helluva lot of Dimetapp. Right?

Whatever, I'm just waiting to feel better.

Think on the possibilites of the crazy ass answers you could get from me while I'm high on this stuff and writing my Confession!

If that doesn't tempt you, I don't know what will.

Ta for now darlings... I'm waiting to feel loopy!Cheers! *chugs*

Hrumph.

Hiya! Wanted to remind anyone that wants to play, cut off is tomorrow for the Inquisiton questions. I have to say, I'm awfully curious as to what y'all will come up with for this first Inquisition of 2005.

Ari was sick and vomiting over the phone in my ear yesterday. This is NOT what a mother wants to hear over the phone when she is out of the house for 40 minutes. Jeez. Then she slept for about 14 hours and didn't go to school today and is fine now. WTF?

Me? My throat kind of burns and my sinuses are being funny too. I'm a grumpy butt and kind of down today. Z set my mood off yesterday by reiterating that I should be kissing Monsters ass and that I'm a jerk for not doing so and that all my bad luck is deserved for not being an asslicker for her. Asshat. (Gee, and how was YOUR day?)

I'm so OVER that crap. No more of the asskisssing for her. Nuh-uh. My reaction was to stare at him in shock with my mouth gaping open. *shakes head in disgust* Mood is still shit. (mine)

So go on, make my day. Cheer me up. Ask me something good, will ya?

One Day In.....

Well, here where I live, January 1, 2005 is a memory. One day down, 364 to go. Or has that changed as a result of the earthquake last week too? What with the Earth wobbling on its axis and all that stuff, one might wonder. Yes, one might.

Oh my! It's been a while since 'we' have referred to 'ourself' in the second person. 'We' kinda like it. It's all Regal and shiiiiit. *heh, snicker, guffaw* (perhaps the snicker, guffaw wasn't so regal. Tough.)

Was thinking about making New Year's Resolutions on Dec 31st, but then decided against it. I have too much real stuff I need to concentrate on, you know?

Like finding a job, perhaps. (Ok. So, I'm dragging that one over. I'm trying!) Or, working on the whole house thing. *shudder* Then there is my other little project called having another baby. Yes, this project is getting on my last damn nerve, I tell you! Can't do diddly about it until I have a job.... and finish new slave, erm, employee probabation period of 3 mos. My bloody biological clock is ticking so loud in my ears it's almost deafening.

Perhaps that clock is ticking louder than usual because my ovarian cysts have been acting up lately. Loosly translated, that means hurting like a motherfucker. Pain so sudden and severe that you think you are going to pass out. This is exceptionally unpleasant and requires extreme amounts of self control not to drop to the floor in the grocery store you happen to be in and assume the fetal position whimpering like a kicked puppy until the pain abates.

Hell if I know why they started acting up again. That's the thing with PCOS. Sometimes, no pain at all.. others? Hellish agony. It hasn't been this bad in quite a while. I take back that "hell if I know" remark. Perhaps my ovaries and their resident 'pearl neckalce" of cysts are taking vengence on me because I have started taking my Metformin/Glucophage again. Well! It's only two tablets a day for now! Wait till I up the dose in a week! That will really piss em off I bet!

The Metformin somehow works in my case, I think, to suppress the screwy hormones said pearl necklace of painful little focking cysts produce and send to my adrenal glands that generally fock me up in a myriad of ways. Metformin/Glucophage is usually taken to control blood sugar levels, but apparently it is also good for PCOS suffers as well.

What I would LOVE to know is why in the hell after 17 years of having Grade 1 PCOS, a year ago it bumped up to a damn Grade 4, or MAX levels. In Homeland Security terms, this would be a code RED people. But of course, NO EXPLANATION or reasons why. Just scratching of Wand Monkey heads and any assistants.

I hate that.

Now then. In a way, it's a good thing I can't do another IVF baby try right now anyway. See, I found out that the embryologist (the 'baker" as I like to call him that watches over my eggs/embryos when he has them) quit. The hospital has NO EMBRYOLOGIST. That makes me sad. See. He and I were kinda friends now. He also told me often that he thinks I have lovely embryos "PERFECT!" such lovely $^*I^)($*^%(#&$(*&%$(Medical terms for embryo parts) and all. And he's gone!

Now that's a pity. No Embryologist and Wand Monkey quit and moved to another hospital without a by your leave. Well, I am keenly interested to make the acquaintence of his replacement, who, coincendentally, has the same first name, RARE first name, as the doctor that got me pregnant with Arianna.

If that isn't a sign heck if I know what is.

So, New Years Resolutions, I haven't made, technically. Its just a rollover of my prior goals from 2004. To my girlfriends ( and my dear male friend and his wife too!) who are trying and hoping to get pregnant this year, I pray we are all holding our new children by this time in 2006 or that they are at least on the way!

Fine Print

I am in a bit of a frustrated snit today.

As some of you may recall, two weeks ago Z's name came up to receive a loan for a certain amount from the government towards the purchase of a home for us. The loan amount is repayable at very reasonable monthly installments for what seems like forever. A great opportunity, huh?

Yeah, we thought so too. But it would seem there are a few snags. Or speedbumps.

Man is that the understatement of the month!

Snags my sweet ass. The fine print is a bitch, I tell you. What follows is sure to give my Bahraini readers a real chuckle, since I rarely rant on the situation here (ok. Other than the currently changing and re-done infrastructure.) But I just HAVE to get this off my chest, cause, well, I'm pissed.

Great. They will give us BD (Bahraini Dinar) 40,000. which is the maximum amount given to purchase an existing house. Thank you very much. Awfully kind of you. It is most appreciated. Granted it IS more than we have to hand, but still, there are a few weeee problems.

Ready for the catch (es)? Here you go:

1) You have 3, yes THREE months to find a place to buy that the government approves of. (yes, they must do an inspection and approve the purchase.)
2) If at the end of 3 months, you have not found a place to purchase, you must go to the Ministry and do some SERIOUS ass kissing to get a 3 month extension that they may or may not give to you. If they don't give you the extension guess what happens? (see 3 below)
3) They take the money they have allotted for you away and give it to someone else. Well shit. Move your ass then Scarlett, right? I HAVE BEEN! I HAVE BEEN! But I'm not quite done yet.
4) The government started this program in the mid-late 70's. With the same amount allotments. (See where I'm going with this? You're smart. I bet you do!) Yeah. The allotments have not been increased in a coon's age. Unfortunately or fortunately for people that bought up land and houses way back when, they are rolling in it now and making a killing, because property is freaking SKYROCKETING y'all. Good for them. But me and Z and all the other suckers that got their money this year? We're fucked.
5) Because now? You can't buy jack shit for BD 40,000., that's why. I'm serious. Diddly squat. So take a mortgage loan, you're thinking right? Not so fast smarty-pants. Because now we get to some serious fine print.
6) No bank will give you a mortgage loan for the remainder of a house you want to buy because: The government holds the deed to the house until you've paid them off and they don't like to share. Nope. So. The commercial bank wants the deed too. So. NUH-uh. A private loan then? Oh don't worry, we thought of that too. Small, itsy bitsy problem.
7) The new law that takes effect on SATURDAY, January 1, 2005. This law does not let you take a personal loan for more than BD20,000. Which guess what? Still, really isn't enough to buy anything. I. shit.you.not. *grrrrrrrr, cussing, grrrrrr* I saw a house that was almost as old as I am (and not in as good a condition! Heh. Ok, seriously? It looked like it was gonna fall down any day now.) that was… BD75,000. (For those of you that thought you heard cursing on the wind, it was me, don't worry, you're not hearing things.)
8) The company you work for has to be on an approved "list". Of which, Z's company, is not. Hence, we've gotten more "sorry Z, you have a great salary, but Fock off cause we don't recognize XYZ Co." remarks from the banks than I care to admit. (and Bahraini's, yes, this is WITH wassta – translation: Connections) We are still waiting to hear from one last one. Pray, willya?

Overall, the Government needs to wake the hell up and realize that these loans, while given with all good intentions, DON'T REALLY DO SHIT ANYMORE. They need to up the anty, basically. If you want to help the people, HELP THE PEOPLE, don't fuck them anymore than they already are. Jeez.

Anyway.

So my job, beyond finding a house and calling what people I know? People I've called. Wracked my brain for a solution I've done. Houses? I've got a couple picked out but the price is increasing by the week and they are selling like hotcakes. Seriously. There is still the house I've been enamored with for 6 years but now? The owner is being kinda bitchy and wants to play games. Ugh. Does that sound very smart on her part seeing my mood and my experience in the real estate market in the US? Um, no. I can rattle off to her FACE 20 reasons why she shouldn't even TRY and up the price on a house that she hasn't been able to offload in 6 years despite the fact that it is very well designed and built. (No 1 is that it is more a western style, which doesn't really appeal to all that many locals) She probably thinks I put "the eye" on it and that is why it hasn't sold. Pshaw. It isn't my fault that when I walked in there those years ago when it was under construction I felt I had come home and instantly fell in love with it? No, it sure isn't. Z felt the same when he saw it.

But wait, I'm jumping ahead of myself, because guess what? That house has never cost 40,000! So, before I whip her butt into submission, I need some ammo, ie: money, ie: the damn loan from the commercial bank.

*sigh*

Then, tonight,Z had this bright idea for the umpteenth time that I should ask my Dad for the money.

After I inquired if he was high on something,HAAAAAAH! ,in my head I thought "Sure, he will give me that money to hand over to you to buy a house that cannot legally have my name on it!" So I explained the following to him. That honestly? I know better than to ask for more than one reason. 1) His standard answer is "you have a husband now, it isn't my job any more." which, really, is true. 2)Not that I really ask him for anything, because, well, I know my Dad like the back of my hand. Dad is an excellent one for excuses. I mean, when I really needed some help and was in a bad way, he knew it, and just said "oh, that's too bad" and changed the subject. Not that I asked, cause, well, I'm not STUPID, and why set myself up? But I did hint strong enough to knock an elephant over. 3) His second favorite reply to or about me is "She made her bed, and now she has to lie in it..." yadda yadda yadda. This is standard reply for all 4 of his children once they hit the age of 18.

Also? What I DIDN'T tell Z so as not to hurt his feelings, was that in case I did ask him to give money for the house, there is another reason he wouldn't give it, no matter how many painkillers he had injested that day. 4)He would ask" Is SHE going to live in it?" (MONSTER) and, all of you know the answer, so, his answer, when he stopped laughing would be" HELL NO! You want me to give money to you to buy a place that doesn't have your name on ONE share of the deed, to give a place for that witch (ok, he uses the B word to refer to her) to live and continue to make you miserable? I know you are smarter than that!" SO, I also had to deal with Z pouting like a 3 year old that didn't get a toy he wanted because I refuse to humiliate myself in that way. Trust me, there is nothing worse than MY Dad laughing at me and wondering when I got hit up the side of the head with a stupid stick when he wasn't looking.

So, no loan from Daddy. (If my Mama read this, she will laugh her butt off, cause she knows NO WAY he would help and that I'm right with all my reasoning!!) Because, well, he is smart and logical. Oh btw dad, can you just wire over 115,000 bucks? Thanks a lot.

Stupid stick indeed! Now back to more logical and intelligent plotting.

Just so you know, we did have the idea that if we can't buy a house with that money, perhaps we can buy a piece of land. Small, itsy problem. It's almost impossible to find a piece of land for sale for less than 60,000. So still? We are Screwed, with yes, a capital S.

If anyone has any bright ideas, let me know, hmmm? Cause I'm fresh out, and in these things, I'm usually pretty damn good.

HELP!

At the strike of midnight on December 31, I'm watching my dreams of a house disintegrating. Fucknugget.

Happy New Year Y'all. *smooch*

Horror

I am completely blown away by the sheer magnitude of what I see on CNN and BBC World hour by hour.

Something like 160,000 people dead and thousands still missing. I watch the home videos, and listen to the stories in macabre fascination. Watching video of the water overtaking the beaches, hotels, streets, people, cars, everything in its path.

Tonight I listened to a beautiful little American girl about 9 years old describe the sound of the water coming behind her as she and her 5 year old sister and parents ran. Fortunately, they all survived it. Others were not so lucky. Many, many others still are missing. I'm sure there are areas that haven't even been visited yet with more dead just waiting to be found.

I pray for the people, regardless of religious denomination or nationality that have been affected by this horrible tragedy.

I can only hope, perhaps naively, that the world will learn from this tragedy and come together, or at least try harder, but sadly, I doubt they will. It doesn't hurt to hope though, does it?

Inquisition Confession – Week 11

I hope that everyone that celebrated Christmas received just what they wanted under the tree.

In the true spirit of the holiday season, and the upcoming New Year's celebrations to ring in 2005, Mare asked me a truly appropriate question this week:

"What is the most embarrassing thing you've done while drunk?"

Well honey. The thing is this. I don’t think I've ever been really drunk. Tipsy like hell, yes. Drunk off my ass, um no. I handle my liquor-when I drink it- pretty well.

How about the most embarrassing thing while tipsy instead?

Hmmmm. Only thing I could come up with was at my going away party when I was moving to Bahrain from L. A. My friends from work and I went to this really happening Italian restaurant in Pasadena that also had a separate entrance for the attached bar. It was a huge bar, I tell you, with….. Karaoke. A huge, full karaoke set up on a stage. The whole shabang.

Anyhoooo, I had been drinking something yummy, something like a whiskey sour, but I can't remember what now…(7 yrs, sue me!). I had ingested SEVERAL. On top of those? One of my friends and coworker, John, kept giving me jello shooters. (This was my first and only experience with jello shooters) Eventually, they got me slappy enough to get up on stage in front of this packed bar with a couple of the girls from work as back up and I sang. I'm seriously trying to remember what I sang, but it escapes me at the moment. I do remember that I, and my back up singers, were really into the song tho.

How's that Mare?

This week, Cheryl b killed me. Seriously. I totally love this woman. She is something else! It wasn't WHAT she asked me, but what she wrote along with her question. Check it out!

What's the nicest present that you have ever gotten (besides Ari)? This year for Christmas Mark got me FOUR of my favorite vibrators since I kind of wore my last one out and he wanted me to have plenty of extras. Does that man know me well or what?

Ahem! Well. I certainly never got such an invigorating gift that is for DAMN sure! (four of your favorite? Out of curiosity, exactly how many favorites do you have?) Why is it that I now have the episode of Sex in the City where Samantha killed her new vibrator from The Sharper Image and argues with the salesman when she goes to exchange it stuck in my head now? *sigh*

The most thoughtful gift I ever received for Christmas was the recipe book from my Aunt Arlene that she had copied my deceased Nana's Christmas cookie recipes into by hand. She did it about two years after Nana's passing. It was probably the best most thoughtful gift. I sat there with tears rolling down my cheeks like Niagara Falls for a good long while, all choked up.

I was very blessed in that my parents and my Nana and Aunt (of the recipe book fame. Dad's sister) were all very generous at Christmas and throughout the year. (Yes mama, if you're reading this, you are STILL GENEROUS! You know what I mean!)

I was a good one for asking for outrageous things for Christmas and they all did their best to get me what I asked for when possible. So many Christmases to think back on.

The one thing that comes to mind is that I answered, when asked by Aunt Arlene again (poor thing. But, she never had kids. So, I'm children and niece all rolled up in one) what I wanted for Christmas, and I really REALLY wanted a fancy schmancy camera. A real camera. You know. The kind with big ass zoom lenses and whatnot. Never mind that she is a real shutterbug as a hobby, so I appealed to that side of her, no? *snicker*. I said that's what I wanted, never really thinking she would get me one so very expensive if at all. But I was of the mindset that ,"Well! You asked!". If you know what I mean?

So I was totally floored when she got me this great Cannon camera! It was so kick ass! I was really blown away with shock Christmas morning.

But, as an aside, my very favorite Christmas memory is my first Christmas with Arianna. (So yes, you were right there!) She was 3 months old. Never mind that she slept through it. That she was so healthy and beautiful and looked just like a little cherub (Nana's nickname for her only great-grandchild) asleep surrounded by presents under the tree with the fireplace roaring adjacent to the tree with all the decorations and pine garland on the mantle was the very best gift of all.

When I look at pictures of Christmas 1993 of me in front of the tree Christmas morning, I had no idea that Arianna was already growing inside me at that very moment. I didn't find out until December 28, 1993 that I was pregnant.

Well then. Last, but definitely not least we come to Carrie Jo. I'll get her for this.

When you start going grey will you dye your hair? And if so, for how long?

I figured if I don't answer Carrie Jo's question fairly honestly, I'm probably going to hell. So. Here goes nothing.

I. Already. Do. (You are SO gonna get it, woman!)

I have been dying my hair THIS shade of red… (Wait. Someone dear to me said that I should not describe my hair as red but as RED!!!) since I was around 17 after much experimenting. It feels natural to me and I forget it isn't. In fact, my hair was this shade of red at birth. My hair was red (!!!) until I was about a year or so when it went PLATINUM. (We are talking Monroe platinum here!) Mama said her Aunties were quite red also, so it's in the familiy!

My natural hair is much the shade of Arianna's with some major differences. (oh yeah. Hers is dark golden blonde) My differences are this: I have a gazillion natural tones in my hair, from platinum to red and lots of shades in between. A load of strawberry, actually. So my hair is more strawberry blonde than anything. But. With my complexion? I look washed out as hell. So washed out that Casper would be an appropriate nickname. I have milky pure white Irish skin. Arianna, on the other hand, has lovely peaches and cream skin tone just like my mom, so her color is perfect on her. My Dad's mother (Nana) was completely white from her 40's I think, and I look a hell of a lot like her. So much so it's eerie and a pic I have of her throws Z every time. He forgets it isn't me!) Maybe I'll be prematurely white like Nana. The daily stress I'm under with you-know-WHAT/WHO, I'm surprised I haven't woken up with a full head of white yet! Heh.

Bottom line is this: If I'm grey/white…no one will ever know. Maybe when I'm much older I'll let it be white (we are talking over 65 people) or whatever, but somehow, I doubt it. Hell, when Nana passed away at 82, she was still putting a dark rinse on her hair and had been for the last 5 years or so! I'll never know what made her start dying her hair after having it white for so long, but she was an awfully feisty thing.

Thank you to my friends that gave me questions this week and to those of you reading the answers, as painful as ONE might have been to answer. In case I don't see you until next week ...

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2005!!!!!!!!!!!

Wrong

Sometimes things happen that leave you amazed, perhaps even stunned or disgusted. Something like that happened to me in the car just now while listening to the local radio station.

There I was, driving along and minding my own business when I heard it. The theme song to Sesame Street. Ahhhh, this brings fond and happy memories, right?

HELL NO.

You see, it sounded like the William Heung version of Sesame Street, only, somehow, infinitely worse if you can just try and imagine that. And that? Is. Just . WRONG.

Of course, just when I thought it couldn't possibly get any crappier than it was (yes, perversely, I was listening to it in stunned disbelief. I think I was in mild shock between you and me!), they cranked it up a notch….. or 10. Because then? It turned into something between garage music and speed metal.

It was at this point that I'd had just about all I could take and switched the channel.

You know? It was so very bad that, I would rather, given the choice, prefer to listen to Britney Spears-Federline *gag* butcher her versions of "I love rock and roll" "I can't get no (satisfaction)" AND "My Prerogative" back to back…. for…. hours. And that is something I just can't handle hearing on any given day, ya know? *shudder, gag, retch*

Is NOTHING SACRED, I ask?

OOOOPSY!

Read that as: "Oh SHIT!".

Damn, I completely forgot to whine.... erm, I mean, remind you all about this weeks' Inquisition! Since I'm a brainless twit this week, I'm extending the cut off time until Midnight Tuesday. Yeah, I know, that's um, TOMORROW night. That's a WHOLE extra 24 hours to ask me something people!

So. I know you are all probably hung over from too much Christmas frivolity, but SNAP OUT OF IT AND ASK ME SOMETHING.

This means you, Cheryl b., Carrie Jo, Mare, Catrina... and the rest of you lurking about. Give me a little late Christmas pressie, hmmm?

Ask me. Go on, you know you want to!!!

A Prayer

To begin with, I would like to take a moment to pray for the souls of all those that died yesterday in the horrible 9.0 magnitude Asia Quake and the resulting Tsunamis. My prayers are with the families of all those that were taken away from them in the blink of an eye as well.

At the time of my writing this, the death toll stands at 23,000 people with thousands still missing or unaccounted for.

I am also very grateful and would like to say a prayer of thanks that two of my friends who happen to be in Phuket, Thailand on vacation are still alive and not two of the many that have perished.

Yesterday, when I heard the news rolling in, I was a mess of nerves trying to call both guys. Neither call would go through. All right, perhaps it would be more accurate to say freaked out of my mind terrified. Thankfully, a few hours later, one of the guys got hold of his mother here and word got passed around that they were shaken up, but otherwise ok.

I can only imagine the stories they will have to tell when the finally get back home to Bahrain.

Unbeknownst to me, the grandfather of the triplets, my SIL's ex who Z and I are actually on very good terms with, is in Madras, India where the Tsunami's also hit. He said he is usually at that beach where all those people were swept out to sea, but fortunately he was still in his hotel that early in the morning, thankfully. He said that the wave came 1km or so inland, and his hotel is 5km inland. Which, when you think about it, is not that far. *shudder*

So today, as I watch CNN in morbid fascination, with new video footage of the devastation of yesterday rolling incessantly, I am eternally grateful that the people that I know are safe.

I hope that none of you lost dear ones.

The Sweetest Thing

This morning I woke up to a surprise in my cell phone message Inbox that made me feel so good. What a wonderful way to wake up. It read:

"Good Morning Mom, I love you."

Awwwwwwwwwwww. That made me feel all warm and fuzzy (and no, it wasn't from my new jersey sheets, which are damn good all on their own, thankyouverymuch!!!) inside.

I love my baby girl.

The best thing is? I have it in WRITING… you know… proof… evidence. (hee hee) So that when she is telling me "I hate you" when I've told her "NO!!" twenty times or so to something (since I'm the bad guy disciplinarian around here)I can now say "Oh noooo you don't!!!!! See?"

Heh. Evidence. I love it.

The Day After

I hope that all of you had a wonderful Christmas yesterday and received your hearts desire. Or at least that laptop or digital camera you've been dying for!

Now it's the day after Christmas, which means hitting the 'After Christmas Sales' or returning that truly horrid gift that Aunt Mary gave you yesterday. I've heard and seen firsthand some scary scenarios the day after Christmas in retail stores as both one of the minions working retail once-upon-a-time in what seems like another life and as a consumer insane enough to brave going to a store on Dec 26.

For me though, December 26 has a different meaning aside from all the retail and holiday memories.

Today would have been my sister Shelly's 50th Birthday.

She has been gone these past 12 years now and I miss her very much. She died under suspicious circumstances all those years ago and yet it feels like yesterday that it happened. I miss her terribly.

My beautiful, tall, (5'11) slender, charming, intelligent, talented, funny, and oh so sweet big sister with the heart of gold. Shelly was the quintessential big sister in my mind and the one that I had dreamed of, begged for and prayed to God daily for throughout my early childhood before I knew she existed. God apparently DOES answer prayers.

See, Shelly (and my two half-brothers) are from my father's first marriage. It ended quite ugly and for various reasons, Shelly and I were kept away from each other. Shelly and our dad were at odds on top of the brainwashing and controlling attitude of her mother. Joey, the middle child, was problematic and very wild in his mothers care until she just couldn't handle him anymore and called Dad to come in and take him in control. That Dad did. He brought Joey to live with us when I was a little over 1 year old. Thank God for that. I became Joey's shadow, even as a toddler. Joey thrived and improved under Dad's strict rules and the love he got from my Mom and complete adoration from me. He always had time for me. Even so, for as long as I can remember, I had been harping at Mom for a sister. "Mama. I want a sister. Why don't you bring me a sister? Should I have a talk with Dad about this?" This was literally DAILY, a la Arianna. (So yes, I know exactly how she feels)

Joey got older and so did I. When I was about 4 Joey joined the Navy and left home and then I was alone, and my harping at Mom intensified.

I didn't even know Shelly existed… still. She had gone and gotten married very young and wasn't apparently in much contact with the family. Anyway…..

I remember clearly the day I found out about Shelly's existence. Mom was making my bed, (I think I'm about 4 years old) and I was on the other side of it and started my usual sister request and I guess poor mom got fed up. She looked at me across the bed and said quite clearly and full of exasperation: "You already HAVE a sister!". WHAMMO!! "I HAVE A SISTER?YAAAAAAAY!? Where IS she?"

Poor Mom suffered my interrogation, I got my details, but I found out no one knew where the heck she was, specifically. Ok. Close but no cigar. (See? I told you I'm determined! Heh.)

Years pass. Tenacious as a terrier, my desire to know my sister is not quenched. I told EVERYONE, Joey, Dad, my Aunt, and most particularly my Nana, (who, after my mom, was my LIFE) Nana was my confidant and whenever she was around, which was quite often, we were always together, with me nattering about this and that. Unbeknownst to me, Nana, believing that Dad was holding out info on us-and her in particular- feisty woman that she was, decided to hire a private detective to find Shelly for me.

The guy searched and searched until one day, when I was 11, Mama came home from work and told me she received a phone call that day at her office.

It was Shelly. Nana's private eye had found her, and on Nana's instructions, given her the contact info. Nana also spoke to her and told her just how badly I wanted my Big Sister. When Mom told me that Nana had hired a private eye to find Shelly for me and that she wanted to talk to me and write letters and see me, I was so thrilled. I was over the moon. My prayers answered.

We started talking and exchanging cards and letters. She was living back East at the time, had divorced her schmuck husband after 10 years and was getting on with her life. We were in Los Angeles.

As we got to know each other, I realized that she was everything I had dreamed of in a sister, in the flesh, and even more than I ever could have imagined. She was a lot like I wanted to be when I was older.

A professional equestrian rider since the age of 5, she adored horses and talked about them a lot. She, like me, loved all animals (ok, mostly). I talked to her about boys, and school and life in general; she gave advice and shared her own experiences with me. About this time Shelly moved to Europe. First to Paris, then a short stint studying and achieving her dream of training with the Lipizzaner Stallions in Austria, and then on to Malaga, Spain. Shelly was studying languages a little late in life and she figured that while studying at school, it was best for her to be immersed in the language.

She was so good about sending me pictures, and cards, and letters and calling me. She would try to write me a LONG letter at least once a month. We got close and she imparted perhaps not necessarily wisdom as much as her take on life, her good and bad experiences and her wonderful, intelligent and LOGICAL advice.

Eventually she moved back to the US to Virginia where she set up shop… literally. Some more years passed and I got married, which she was very against. I. Mean. Very. So much so that we were actually estranged for a little over a year when she died.

I think that is what hurt the most of all. No chance to say goodbye. (ok, chances missed never to be regained) No chance to mend broken fences. Perhaps we both took time for granted. Assumed we were both young, with our lives ahead of us. No chance to say one last time just how very much I loved her and adored her. But I think, that despite everything, in her heart, she knew. I certainly hope so.

Shelly's was the first death of someone I loved that I had to deal with and it taught me some valuable, painful lessons that, I think, made me a better person.

A year ago, I happened upon an old newspaper article interview on the internet of an old friend of Shelly's since they were teenagers. (God Bless Google!) This friend talked about her, the kind of person she was from her youth up through her adulthood. The way she was with people, children, and even animals. Her easy, infectious laughter. I noticed similarities between myself and Shelly from the description of her. Things I noticed myself and things about me that my friends that know me well say. I felt proud that I have at least some of her good qualities. I still feel proud.

So today, I just want to say: "I love you and always think of you my big sister. Happy Birthday Shelly."

A Sentimental Feeling

First, I'd like to say yet again, MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

It's time for me to stick my turkey in the oven and get to work. But first, I have a little post for you I'd like to share.

Today I recieved an email from a wonderful friend that I love to bits who lives on the other side of the world that got me all choked up. He is a great person and a former co-worker of mine here from Bahrain, but is now in Canada freezing his butt off.

It was so very sweet. I just had to post a piece of it it here on my blog so that it is here as a part of my memories.

When we worked together, Sergiy gave me the nickname Diamond. I never really knew why other than he thought I was a bad ass rocking Exec Secretary. (He also loves my cooking and all I have to do is mention either potato salad or caramelized bananna cake, and he will be moved to tears and extreme craving) Anyway,soon he stopped calling me my name altogether and just called me Diamond.

Sometimes, Sergiy would come hang out in my office, since he was a manager of a different division and had the luxury of being able to do it if he felt like it. He would tell me jokes and stories from his time of insanity during his mandatory military service with the Russian Army. These stories are freaking hilarious and Sergiy is so damn funny, especially how animated he is too! He is only one year older than I am, so we have a lot in common age wise as well. He was there for me as a friend the day I found out that my Uncle Bob died suddenly of a massive heart attack. I was a wreck and he was very kind.

Sergiy moved out of Bahrain three years ago when his Canadian residency came through. I miss him. He was so much fun to talk to and be around. To me, good friends are like Diamonds, Emeralds, Rubies, Sapphires and Pearls. (and I love me some jewellry, y'all! Yes indeedy!)

So, today, on a day when I was actually feeling kind of rotten and missing my friends and family and Christmas back home, ok, really sad and like one of Santa's lumps of coal, I had an email addressed to "My Diamond" from Sergiy. Between all his tipsy greetings marinated with too much good red wine and stuffed to the gills with turkey and his looking forward copious (read: more than you could ever imagine ingesting, cause he IS from Ukraine after all!) amounts of Smirnoff vodka Christmas Day, he said this to me:

"God bless you for all the fun that you are to me, for all your loving heart, for your kindness and for being a diamond (it's hard to be the most illustrious, shiny and sparkling all at the same time, but you are!)."

I dont' know if he will ever see this post or not. So I can say only this:

"Thanks a million Sergiy. You're a really wonderful person and friend.

Merry Christmas and lots of love, Diamond"

Now, it's time for me to go make my turkey everyone and watch Arianna's new DVD HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN!

Santa, etc…

I saw Santa Claus tonight in Bahrain. (for those of you wondering, NO, I was not drunk... unfortunately.)

I guess I have to believe in him again, now don't I?

While driving down a dark road, thinking about not much at all (and WAAY too much at the same time) from my location in the passenger seat tonight I eventually noticed the car in front of us for no reason other than the fact that the interior light was on.

Yeah, so what, right?

I turned my unfocused eyes into the car and noticed someone with longish wavy white hair driving. Wearing red. And a red hat.

Yes dear readers. It would seem that Santa has gotten fed up with those damn moody reindeer and all their games and traded in his sleigh for a sleek white 2004 Honda Civic. (It's called City here) And I SAW HIM!

I'm serious. Santa Claus was driving the car and, as I watched, flipped open his cellphone and let his fingers do the walking. I reiterate, I was not drunk, but at this point was beginning to wish I was! (still am wishing in fact) We followed Santa for a while until he reached his destination. The watchman at the compound laughed his ass off when he saw Santa Claus behind the wheel.

I don't blame him.

Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho

Later tonight, while visiting Daddy J, the father of the triplets who had some mutual friends over, Santa came up again, but in the oddest way.

Daddy J and his friends had been drinking, so everyone was pretty silly by this point. I wanted a drink, but am not really into Chivas Regal or Smirnoff, so I just nursed a soda. Never mind, I'm fun even without alcohol.

Started talking about CPR and techniques which in turn led to us talking about Daddy J's opinion that turkeys are really just inflated chickens ...again, which somehow had me explaining the term for male chicken is Cock, which made the conversation go completely downhill from there, cause then the discussion began about how to inflate the male chickens? Giving the Cock a blow*job to inflate it, which made us laugh all the harder (pun SO not intended there) etc… and then Daddy J, 3 sheets to the wind and then some, looked at Z, and from out of nowhere slurred at him:"ya know? FUKKIT. I wanna buy a Santa suit next year and stick your ass in it." We all stared at him in shock... and then he continued " No? Well then,I'll dress your crazy mom up in it ( his grandmonster in law) and she can freaking play Santa." My reply? "Great. Arianna's gonna look at that and say "What the? Santa is a freaking midget and speaks Persian?" which got everyone laughing. (no dear, Santa isn't a midget, he's a TROLL!)

What came out of Z's mouth next had all of us screaming with laughter and me doubled over laughing uncontrollably. Z said "Noooo, not really a midget/Troll. You mean Santa is a TRANSVESTITE?" All of us ----- staring at Z----- "TRANSVESTITE????"

Me: "Santa's – gasp!!!-a drag – gaaaassssspppp!!!! - queen! Santa's a drag queen!!!!!"

I had a slight problem after that which had me still cracking up. Because now, I had the song "I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus" in my head.

I wish Santa would leave me a nice big bottle of Amaretto di Sarreno. I've been a good girl this year. Check your list. Come ON Santa! I didn't say that you're a tranny. My HUSBAND did. Leave his ass the coal, not me!

Christmas Eve Snark

Well dearlings. To all of you that celebrate, Merry Christmas. Also? You'd better have all your shopping done by now, because guess what? You are going to be cursed by EVERY SINGLE retail sales person you come across. Strike that. That works at every STORE you visit. Why?

I'll tell you.

Y'all come barging in and make a freaking WRECK of every single section of the store, that's why. You pick up crap and put it down in another department, and do you know what that means? That means, that poor little salesperson, who makes shit for salary, is gonna have to CLEAN UP THAT DAMN STORE BEFORE THEY CAN SIGN OUT FOR THE NIGHT AND GO HOME. This is usually around 3am for those of you that never worked retail before in your life. I have, once upon a time.

Then, there are those of you that decide to throw a complete hissyfit when you can't find the perfect gift on Christmas Eve, for Christssake. Or the ones that just can't begin to comprehend why this Season's "IT" gift has been out of stock since, oh, HALLOWEEN. No. Sorry if Jimmy or Suzie really want it. You shouldn't have waited, now should you? No. But still, there will be those that think as it just so happens, they are hiding one just for you.Not, sukah!

I won't get into what y'all do to Victoria's Secret, (yes, I worked there too!) cause that's JUST. MEAN. The bra room tho? They all have to be sized, sorted by color, and folded a particular way before anyone can leave. Panties too. It is NOT A PLEASANT TASK for basically minimum wage. And for the record, NO. You will NOT find what is in the catelog, generally speaking, in the store, so stop waving that focking VS Catelogue around in the salesgirls faces, allright? You want what's in the catelogue? Dial 1-800... blah blah blah, or order it online people.

To the male readers of my blog: When you walk into a store with that desperate look on your face on Christmas Eve, HELL, in the days leading up to Christmas, that makes the salespeople with sales targets (and that get-gasp!-comission) VERY HAPPY. Cause you? WILL BUY WHATEVER IS SUGGESTED TO SAVE YOUR LATE PRESENT BUYING BACKSIDE. Heh. Just walk in and prepare to hand over the plastic guys.It'll be a helluva lot less painful than what your loving partner will do to you if you have a truly crappy gift or, Heaven forbid!, nothing at all. To make your shopping experience less painful, I suggest that you have a drink at least before you attempt any puchasing expedition. Take a taxi and get tipsy beforehand if necessary.

I think I've done my duty to the poor retail people of the world for this year. If you think I'm being dramatic, I'm not. Only thing worse than Christmas Eve shift is, Day AFTER CHRISTMAS SALE/RETURNS.

*shudder at the memories*

Now then....

A trip to my neighborhood grocerey store usually gives me some interesting blog fodder and the other day was no exception!

I'm happily meandering down the aisles with my shopping cart listening to the Christmas music being played over the speakers quite loud when I turn the corner and surprise a totally Arab looking dude stocking shelves singing,dancing, and rocking out to Bruce Springsteen singing "Merry Christmas Baby!" Has anyone ever seen the look on a dog or cat's face when they have their temp taken at the vet rectally? That was the look on the guy's face when he saw ME. Heh. Priceless.

I was chuckling my head off for the next 5 minutes off and on. Ok, yeah, and I'm laughing now too!

Then this afternoon, early evening, Z and I are driving around looking at houses and listening to the Christmas Music on Radio Bahrain. DJ plays Elvis singing "White Christmas"... then plays something from the current charts, then plays a Christmas song, then a chart song, then.... Bing Crosby singing.....................

White Christmas.

What the? *Sigh. rolls eyes*

I mean, come ON dude. Pay attention, dammit. White Christmas isn't even the best Christmas song Elvis did man! Blue Christmas by Elvis is beautiful and, well, gets me choked up. And Bing Crosby. The man has sung a gizillion Christmas songs. UGH.

As is. I cannot STAND the new version of "Do They Know It's Christmas" 2004. Faugh. And it gets played.... A LOT y'all. Hello! It is No 1 on the British Charts and... well, we get mostly European charts here. Not all, but most. Somebody give me the original version from ... HOLY SHIT! 20 YEARS AGO.... PLEASE. And Last Christmas by Wham! also. Plus all the oldies. And? A Chipmunk Christmas. Put that on and I will sing EVERY SINGLE SONG FOR YOU AT THE TOP OF MY VOICE WITH A GRIN ON MY FACE.

Just no Mariah Carey Christmas versions please. (the dog whistle pitch makes me wince every time) Or, the new version of Band Aid, ok? I know it's for a good cause, the Band Aid one, just... easy on my ears.......... PLEASE!

The Inquisition Confession – Week 11

Thanks to my buddies for their questions this week. I know everyone is busy with their last minute shopping and wrapping of gifts. I will cut right to the answers!


Carrie Jo asked me an easy one this week. Bless you darling!

What's your earliest Christmas memory?

My earliest Christmas memory would have to be when I was either 4 months old or 1 yr 4 months. I don't know which. But I was tiny enough to be laying under the Christmas tree enthralled with the colored lights in the darkened room. I distinctly remember looking up in the tree. Then, I saw my mom coming towards me in her negligee, smiling and picked me up and that's the end of my memory. It was a feel good memory. It is crystal clear in my mind as if it was yesterday.

Must be why I still like to sit in the dark room and stare (ok, zone out on) at the Christmas tree lights even now. Yes, I'm probably going to go do that once this is posted.

I've always loved Christmas and had many good Christmases. That's my favorite time of the year and one reason that I wanted to get married in December.

Mare actually beat Carrie Jo to her original question and asked me:

What was your Christmas incident ie: All I ever wanted for Christmas was (present) and Santa didn't get it for me and I was so unhappy? And what age were you that you stopped believing in Santa?

Well, I was generally pretty lucky, and I am the type of person to be content with what I am given. But.

The only thing I could really come up with was when I was about 8 or so and I BADLY wanted a Barbie house & furniture. I was really REALLY big into Barbie, I tell you. (I mean, come on, I grew up as an only child cause my half brothers and sister were over 16 years older than me!) I took IMMACULATE care of my Barbies. The clothes, accessories, etc. I was disappointed that Santa didn't come through for me (but poor mama, she was divorced by that time, and things were pretty tight! Those houses were damn expensive. She worked really hard, but still!) "Santa" came through with a Kiss ME Barbie that you press a button in her back and she puckers and makes a kissing noise, which I thought was cool, and a Malibu Barbie (the one with the tan lines and turquoise bikini?) and some clothes, so, I was happy, really excited about that.

Santa screwed me over a year or so later about the Barbie Swimming pool. By that time, I decided to get him but good. I saved up my allowance and b-day money, etc… like a little packrat and had my eye on it at this one store mama liked to go. Every time we would go there, I would go and stare at it on the shelf and plot and plan in my head on how much more I needed to get it.

Then the day came that I had enough. I went to a sales person and asked him to get it down for me. Then I carried it over to Mama. She said "Now Friss, we can't get that today." And I replied "Oh, it's ok, I've got my allowance with me!" So, I got my Barbie pool! Mama was so impressed that I was that determined to get it that I saved so well that she let me get it.

I still have that trait today. If I really want something, I'm just stubborn enough to wait and be patient and find the best way to get what I want. (Which is why this whole infertility thing pisses me off, because so much of it is not in my control) That's how I got Arianna. My stubborn determination. My wedding dress. (Don't ask how much it cost. It cost a ton. Was from Italy Y'all! Hand beaded and made for my measurements. It IS freaking GORGEOUS. Cathedral length train. Ahhhhhh, I love my wedding dress. And yes, Mama said Arianna and her daughter, and any daughter MY granddaughter might have has to wear it. Yes, it is here in Bahrain with me) Mama was muttering under her breath so often during the wedding planning "I should have known when she was addicted to reading Cinderella all the time!"

In fact. I waited, plotted and planned to have my car that I drive now for Two and a half years. Heh. The house I'm in love with and want to buy with the government loan Z got? It's still for sale. See if we don't end up with it. Heh.

About Mare's question when I stopped believing in Santa. I was 10. It was very traumatizing, and this knock down drag out happened between my mom and dad over the phone when I was on my Christmas visitation with him in Florida and Mom called me to see what Santa brought me. It was so traumatizing (ie: dad got REALLY REALLY pissed off at ME) that I blocked out most of it.

It was my last Christmas with him in fact. That next Summer vacation was the last visit I made to him. I didn't see him again until about four years later or so. (way long story)

There you go.

I hope all of you that celebrate it have a wonderful and very merry Christmas!

Love, hugs, and kisses,

Scarlett Cyn

Christmas Hysteria!

Got my box of Christmas Pressies from mama!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! JACKPOT!

Also? I got entirely insane happy about the enclosed candy canes. Yes people, I'm a SUCKER for candy canes. Fortunately for me, two broke en route so, a annual 'fix' for me while the rest went on the tree.

Don't believe me? There I sat on the cold-ass tile floor in front of the Christmas tree next to a big ole box of presents and surrounded by them too from Mama. I did indeed turn into a 4 year old at the sight of Christmas candy. I admit it. Then there was the little incident with the jacket Mama sent for Arianna.

Um, Z walks in and finds with my face buried in something royal blue clutched in my arms.

Z: "What on EARTH are you doing?"
Me: "Sniffing!"
Z: ------- blank stare-------
Me: "Sniffing" *inhales deeply*
Me: "Mama sent Arianna a polar fleece jacket unwrapped and it smells like Mama! Come and SNIFF!!!!!!" (did y'all know I'm part bloodhound?NOW you do!)
Z: *sniffs* "Yeah! It does!"
Me: (look of bliss on face) "yeaaaahhhh" *continued inhaling*

That high lasted until I found two things at the bottom of the box. One was the afore- mentioned candy canes. I squealed "CANDY CANES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and wiggled around in a strange dance of joy on my bottom. Second discovery? One of my 60 books Amazon shipped to mom's last year. Yes, I'm serious. It's at least 60. At mom's. Long story. Couldn’t' ship through customs here, cause they are bastards and take EVERYTHING. No contact to send to on base at a lesser rate, until now. YAY!. Except. I need to wire Mom money to do it. Sigh. Waiting for JOB. Sh*t. So, she tossed one in the box. And?

I got ALL HAPPY! Another bottom dance of joy. Then, I clutched it to my chest like a little kitten or newborn puppy. Yes. Books are that dear to me. I immediately started digging to see if there was another stuffed in the carton somewhere. No such luck. Anyway, it's one by one of my very favorite authors, so, I can't wait to get started.

Until then………. There are two broken candy canes calling me….

I'm DONE!

I am officially done with my Christmas shopping. Presents wrapped (well, excecpt for the Santa Claus ones, cause those don't get wrapped in my house in order to differentuate), tagged and under the tree. Stocking stuffers HIDDEN.

I'm proud of myself. I'm usually dragging around Z on Christmas Eve to find Santa gifts, but I was more organized this year.

Ok, also considerably more strapped for cash and a s*itload of time on my hands since I'm not WORKING or anything... But stilllllll. I'm DONE. Apparently miracles DO happen. Heh.

I would like to take this opportunity to wish all my readers a very happy holiday season, whatever your religious denomination.

I would also like to mention that I NEED QUESTIONS FOR THE INQUISITION THIS WEEK!! HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!????????? Come on! It's Christmas! Jeez.

*drumming fingers on desk*

Asshole Moments

And I am pretty sure I'm having one as I type. Let me check....... yeah, I am having an asshole moment.

In case you aren't sure what an 'asshole moment' is, it's when a overall loving, kind, understanding, caring, helpful and generous person (in this case, that would be ME) is having 'asshole' thoughts, or otherwise wrapped up in their own things so much that when they hear someone's good news, they realize that they couldn't really give a rat's ass, or find it in them, at that moment, to be the slightest bit happy for them.

Today I found myself DEEP, D.E.E.P. in an asshole moment at the dinner table. It is so unlike me to feel the way I found myself feeling when Z dropped his suspicions on me like a Nuke.

Sitting at dinner, he was telling me "I think Suz is pregnant. Az, her sister almost told me something, and she was talking to her infertility specialist (that would be Dr. Indifferent/Smartass that dumped my ass on Wand Monkey 2 yrs ago, for the record) on the phone, all whispering, and Az started to say something to me, but then shut up when she got 'the look' from her sister. " That would be his neice. The sister of the one that had TRIPLETS this year. And also the sister of the one that had the little baby boy a month after the triplets were born, that stole the name I had planned to use for my as-yet-unconcieved-son. I tend to trust Z's instincts when it concerns women he thinks are pregnant. Why? He hasn't been wrong yet.

Excecpt in MY case, that is.

Well, FUCK.

Like I wasn't in a bad enough funk as is? Like that physically painful desire for another baby isn't ripping my guts apart again, much like the pain of the ovarian cysts, goddamn them ALL, that are ringing my ovaries like "perfectly matched twin pearl necklaces". (For the record, the Doc that made THAT statement to me yet lives, for some strange reason.) That, while I have been taking care of my very sick triplet neices and nephew, whom I love to distraction, even Maya, the firstborn moody grumpy one, and while holding my admittidly favorite, Talya, and Khalid screaming cause he is jealous of the attention his sister is getting from me, I realise yet again just how much I adore babies and little children, and taking care of them, even when they are so badly sick. When I realize that only blogging and writing makes me as happy as sitting in that room with 3 6 1/2 month olds, an almost 3 year old, and my own 10-year old daughter and ME, on the floor in the middle of it all, playing and entertaining all of them. When I see the joy on their little faces when I walk in to the room to see them and they smile that baby gummy smile at me, my heart just melts.

I was holding Talya close to me, massaging her back to ease her breathing (lungs badly infected) and she was nestled so close to me, with one hand FULL of my hair and the other resting on my breast, and she would occasionally lift her head back to look in my eyes, smile, and then put her head back down. I found myself rocking her, humming a song and kissing her sweet head. She, and the other two, are such good babies, even as sick as they all are, bless them.

I love children. I think you get the hint, right?

So there I sat at the dinner table apparently with a funny look on my face that was somewhat dazed. So much so that EVEN Z noticed it and said "um, what's with that look?" I said "you know? I just can't bring myself to be happy for her if you're right. At least not right now. And that makes me even sadder. Cause I can't. I just can't." Then I got quiet (another shocker, that) and continued to gaze unfocused at some vague thing on the table.

He looked surprised because honestly! I am always happy for others when I find out they are pregnant and he knows it. Even when I had cycle buddies during my IVF trials (all 4 of em), and I didn't get pregnant, but some of my cycle buddies did, I was genuinely happy for them. I mean it. I felt joy that at least, if not for me, it worked for someone.

I feel, quite frankly, cursed. I'm frustrated beyond belief. And if Suz is pregnant, it is yet another failure on my part. Why? Cause, she has infertility issues ALSO, like her big sister Az. Because, she has had 10 frozen embryo's in cryo-freeze for 4 years or so. Her son is going to be 3 in February.

I'm fed up with the pitiful looks I get when people hear about another family member being pregnant, but not me. I'm particulary pissed with the comments that flow my way from Monster when another of her grandaughters ends up announcing a pregnancy, yet another pregnancy, and she makes her remarks about me and my womb being useless and lacking. That bitch. When she tells her son, "Yeah, don't hold your breath for that one (that would be ME) to give you another child. She's useless.". (Screw that old broad and the broom she rode in on.) If that comment didn't really hit so close to the truth, and hurt not quite as much as it does every time she says it, I'd probably rip her a new as*hole, but I don't.

I want a baby. So very badly. For me. And for Arianna most importantly. That biological clock you hear so much about, that I have scoffed at as a complete load of crap for years? Well, its ticking deafeningly loud in my head now.

But most of all? I'm dissappointed in myself and ashamed for my asshole moment.

I should be insanely happy. Why? I forgot to tell you all the good news from Dec 16th, which is National Day here in Bahrain.

Six years ago Z and I applied for a housing loan from the Government. They give you a big chunk of money to do a) buy a newly bulit house b) buy a piece of land c) build a house on land you already own or d) give you a piece of crap govt home or apt. We chose option A for a number of reasons.

1) they give you the most cash that way. 2) you get the approval quicker than the other options 3) we don't own any land, so option c was kinda moot, don't you think? 4) some other reasons. 5) doesn't Option d explain itself well enough? Yeah, I thought so.

The beauty is, the loans are peanuts in repayment amounts and interest on money borrowed. Also? Every now and then, His Most Gracious Majesty gets it in his head to 'forgive' 50% of the amount owed and with the snap of his fingers, half of your loan, and thus your monthly payment, is cut in half, which is hardly anything to begin with.

Now, mind you, the money they give is based on male salary income and is nowhere near enough to buy a house outright, but still, in our case, the government part is literally HALF of the cost of a house. So, we would need to take a loan for the remainder from a normal or Commercial bank to pay the rest of the purchase price.

The catch? You have THREE months to find a place. If you beg nicely, you can get an additional 3 month extension for a total of SIX months to find a place. If at that time, you don't have anything, they take the money alloted for you and give to someone else.

So yeah, for slightly more than we are paying in rent, we can be paying a mortgage payment! Yeah, a home of our own is within arms reach. (Yes, the day of the announcement in the paper, later that afternoon, I was out looking for houses driving around in the rain, wandering around construction sites) If I'm anything, I'm proactive. Heh.

So yeah, you would think the excitement of the house would overshadow the lack of figuring out which room could be a baby nursery, wouldn't you? Yeah, you'd think so.

My other problem comes into play here. Monster, it is a given, will be coming WITH US. SO HOW can I get all 'into' the idea of a new home? Of our first home? He knows I don't want this. Can't take this really, but still, each empty home we walk around, he's mumbling/commenting about which room should be his mom's and there goes my pleasure in it out the window. There is one house I fell in love with when it was being built 6 years ago and the whole top floor (its multi-level) is a Master Suite. I keep thinking defensively about that house. Why defensively? Cause that Master Suite is on the whole top floor of the house and is big. I could barricade myself up there concieveably. And that is defineltly a selling point. Well, that and the fact that it is across the street from the sea and all the windows face the water. But every mention of "Mom would probably be scared to live here, or Oh this could be Mom's room" gets another asshole moment starting up with me.

More house hunting tomorrow. I think I'll do this one on my own.

Faugh. I'm not a bitch. I promise you. Really I'm not.