The Unwelcome Visitor

Slight problem.  I HAVE A DAMN LIZARD IN MY ROOM RIGHT THIS MINUTE and I don't know where the hell it has hidden itself, dammit. If you will kindly remember, I hate, loathe, and despise lizards almost as much as I do snakes.

Last night we were alerted to its presence by the shrieks of Arianna from the living room. "EEEeeeeeeekkkkkk!! LIZARRRRRRRRRDDDDD!!!".  I was blog surfing as usual in the hallway. No way in HELL I was going in there.  Z was supposed to kill it while it was in the L Room, but NOOOOOOO, he decided to use the broom he was supposed to smoosh it with to shoo it back out the front door. Arianna and I are saying KILL IT! KILL IT! No, poor little thing.  He wasn't gonna kill it.  He insisted on tossing it back outside.  I said "Why, so it can come back inside??"  Z says, "No, I'm going to put it outside."  One tiny problem.  Little bastard was running from the broom so fast  he fell off the ceiling near the front door and made a break for it.....  

While I was sitting here IN THE HALLWAY!!  Lizard, with Z CHASING HIM -broom smacking up and down-went running past ME like a bat out of hell on the floor, running as fast as his little legs would go (which, BTW, is GODDAMN FAST).... straight into my bedroom, up onto the wall and between the freestanding closet and the wall... and Z shrugged and left it there.  AHHHHHHHHHH!!!  Me: "Did you get it?" Z: "no. It went behind the closet"  ME: "WELL GET IT OUT!!!!Ewwww!" Z: "I'm outta here" and he walked out the house leaving his daughter and I staring at each other with gaping mouths.  How the hell can I sleep thinking it might CRAWL ON ME in my sleep?? EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Gross.  I went hunting it, but hell if I know where it hid itself.  I gave up, prayed it didn't slip in my closet somehow, and took off after Z. Hung out at the triplets' house for a bit and came home.  Z left before us, had crawled in bed and was fast asleep.  With the lizard in there.  I did a cursory check of the bedroom walls before attempting sleep, and guess what?  There he sat, the little sonofabitch. STARING. AT. ME. from up near the ceiling.  Little reptile asshat. 

On the bright side, at least it pays attention when I curse it out.  He even raised his little head off the wall and stared at me with its beady little eyes as I did so. How is it possible for a lizard to look 'hurt"? He did laps around the room, contemplated running back down the wall to run about on the tile floor, and then my cussing at him started in earnest. He ran back UP the wall. Then when he couldn't take my verbal abuse anymore, he ran and hid behind the curtain.  Bastard. How the hell I slept in that room is beyond me.

Yes, I know I have a load of cats in my house. But. They are Persian cats. High maintenance, purebread,Lazy buggers. I love them , but they are lazy as hell. The most reaction I get is Isis, the pure white one with big blue eyes, the Mama and Boss, IF she notices one, she stares at it transfixedly for a while, as if willing it to do something, then when it moves, Isis takes flying leaps and  proceeds to fling herself against the wall.  Repeatedly.  It's kind of comical to watch, actually. But seriously, like what? She's gonna knock it off that way?  I mean, she's hitting the wall WAAAAAY too low. then IF a lizard ends up on the floor, the silly cat PLAYS WITH IT.  She doesn't kill it, she plays with it.  The others cannot be bothered to bestir themselves. Sigh.

Damn lizards. Useless cats.

Lizard update:   I still have no idea where the hell the lizard is.  Arianna is freaked and spent most of the morinng over at her friends house.

Shudder.  I'm open to suggestions. Raid kills them, but I have asthma, so the raid murder will trigger an attack. Dammed if I do, dammed if I don't. Husband is saying "oh give the poor thing a break". I say the poor things carry disease and I don't want em in the house. gag.

2nd Update 10:10pm: 

JUST FOUND ANOTHER DAMN LIZARD IN MY ROOM WHEN WE MOVED THE SOFA. A BIG S.O.B. Looked PREGNANT and very very dark green.  (A lovely dark moss green one which contrasted in a very bad way against the pale lavender of my bedroom walls) It IS freaking HUGE.  I mean, As long as your hand! yes, yours. And about 2 inches wide. Ewwwwwwwww.    Z chased it..... BEHIND our $&*$^*)($&*&$#0 headboard, then decided he was tired of looking for it after 5 minutes. He sprayed half a can of Raid, so it sent me into an asthma attack, and I can't breathe. Then he was rolling his eyes at me. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Oh shit, I just realized my purse is on the floor next to my side of the bed....open... oh GAWD......

This freaks me out y'all. You don't understand. When I was very little... about 4 I'd say,  in Florida where we have tiny lizards that look like baby gators, I was walking past the wall of the house and one of the little bastards fell on my head and got in my hair. In my then pretty long wavy platinum blonde hair.  I had a major freak out, I don't even remember how we got it out, I was so freaked.  I guess I mentally blocked that part out. I've had a problem with them ever since.  Understand NOW???

You should see me, I walk in my bedroom, well, run through the door actually, looking up and around at the perimiter of the ceiling.... looking for them.  I must look like a damn mental case. I'm still  paranoid one of these lizards will fall on me. (especiallt that little fast stupid one) Before I go to the bathroom, I cautiously lift up the lid AND seat then bang them a few times in warning,  before sitting down. Would YOU want to be sitting doing your business and have one crawl across your ass? I THINK NOT!

By the way? Did I ever tell you that they grow Big-ass FLYING cockroaches here also? One flew on me, on my bare arm, walked UP my bare arm- in my sleep!- about 6 months after I moved to Bahrain, obviously  woke me up, and I screamed the damn house down flapping my arm like a crazywoman and slapping at it. I could see it in the moonlit room, big and dark.

*shudder, twitch*


cheryl b. said...

Oh!!! Don't kill them!!!! I have always loved lizards and snakes and such. I lived in California 'till I was 10, then we moved to this shithole-lizardless place. When I was little I would play with them all day, my favorite were the horny-toads. They are soooo cute!(unless they get mad, then they squirt blood out of their eyes)

Risa said...

OMG how gross kill the damn things!! I can understand how you feel!

Hula Doula said...


bre said...

omg omg omg omg that would be freaky. I grew up in florida myself, and i know for a fact the lizards and bugs in general a friggin HUGE! i don't liike roaches myself.... **gag shudder** lizards i like only cuz i was a tomboy growing up. letting them bite my ears and then letting them hang like earrings was fun heehee.

Pache said...

I've got lizards in my house and in the garage right now as I type. I have used the raid but got fed up and got some of those sticky things for rodents. They work. They catch the lizards and they're frozen there and they DIE! I just found one in the laundry room so I won't be doing laundry until the Raid kicks in and I know for sure it did.