Oscar-Worthy Moments

It has happened again. Yet another circumstance where I thought to myself: I should blog this. I have to blog THIS!!!

As my regular readers are aware, there is usually some serious drama in my house courtesey of my MIL, Monster. (By the way, that whole "Monster In Law" name? I thought of it. I should sue whomever made that film, dammit!) I'm just the cNN news service that reports it. Think of me as your occasional online news and drama reporter,hmmm?

Now where was I? Oh yes. Oscar-worthy moments.

You see, it would seem that, well, apparently,she is telling everyone that will listen that I'm trying to kill her crazy ass.

What a load of crap. She is not worth the price of my immortal soul, belive you me! Let me start from the beginning.

The other night I was at Az's (the triplets) house with Z visiting and chatting when his mobile rings. Az and Daddy J immediately say "Grandma" since she usually has complete hissyfits when we go ANYWHERE and calls with something or another shreiking and going basically bonkers till Z toddles on home like a good boy. Ugh. Anyway, they were close and half of a cigar. It's Arianna who is at home with Monster and Ari tells him "Grandma fell down in the hall, Siony picked her up from the floor.". So he says " Is anything broken? No. Ok. Good. She's back in her room? Ok, I'm coming". then jumps up saying "My mom fell down" and runs down the street to our house leaving the rest of us staring at each other.

Forgive me (and Az and Daddy J for that matter) for being highly skeptical here, okay?This is an almost nightly thing. She has called with such other Oscar Moments as "I'm seeing black... I'm dyiiiiiiiingggggg..... waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh*click*" etc... (Go on get creative. I'm sure you can all imagine the possibilities. Then again, perhaps not!)

So, left alone together, we are all staring at each other wondering, just what the hell she is up to this time when Az, monsters firstborn grandchild of 14, says looking at me and full of mirth:
" I've fallen,AND I CAN'T GET UPPPPPPPPPPPP" which makes all three of us burst out in laughter.

I just know you are all on edge waiting with baited breath to know if she is ok. So. Yeah. She's ok. Nothing wrong with her. (other than mentally, as usual)

So. Guess how she fell down! Guess where and on WHAT she tripped?

Go on.... guess....

Here, in the hallway where I sit and type to y'all emails and blog posts and do my blog surfing.

She tripped on the inet line that stretches across the hallway into my bedroom on the tile floor. The very same wire that has been here for ONE AND A HALF YEARS that no one else has managed to trip on (and this is with 6 preteen girls playing tag in my house, too!). It is tight to the floor and not something that can be 'tripped on' easily.

Funny thing is... if she tripped on the wire, which runs between and under my computer table and sofa(there is a 3 seater sofa here right next to my computer table and my hallway is not THAT wide-maybe 5ft 3in wide or so) so if she tripped on my end of the sofa, how, may I ask, did she end up on her ass at the far end of the hall at the other end of the sofa AND on the tile instead of tossing her ass on the big comfy sofa right next to her? This is a move worthy of a baseball player sliding in to Home if she's telling the truth, distance wise.

I don't. think. so.

So, basically she is sore and moaning a bit (Az went to go observe and return with a report) but nothing broken or swollen. Just a red mark on her upper arm. So, since her son stayed at home instead of coming back to us, she was generally happy. ie: she got her way.

The best thing is Monster's Oscar performance. Grabbing her hand and arm and limping around.... When Z is around. much moaning and groaning... limping and the like...
when he's not around? she is wandering around FINE.

Anyhow,next morning I wake up and as I exit my bedroom, I notice that MIL has taken my scotch tape and taped the wire to the tile...a really crap job.... putting long lengths of tape every 1/2 or 1/4 inch along the wire. ACROSS THE WIRE, not lengthwise even. HOW CREATIVE. (I should be happy that she didn't find my stash of duct tape, huh?That would look like absolute shit on my eggshell colored tile, now wouldn't it?)

SO, as I'm staring in disbelief at this bang up tape job, Angel the cat comes traipsing by. Yes, if you saw her walk, you would agree that 'traipsing' is the appropriate term, and now she is pregnant, so it's even MORE pronounced.

Angel is pure white, very big, and has big beautiful butterscotch gold eyes and is one of the most intelligent cats I have ever seen. She is the cat I have nicknamed "Homeland Security" because if there is anything or anyone different in the house, she will inspect it in her rounds before she settles down. She is also highly protective of Arianna, much like a guard dog and shadows her incessantly.

Therefore on her rounds, she walks over said wire and past it. Then screeches to a dead halt with her ears cocked, looks back at the floor, turns around and goes STRAIGHT TO THE WIRE AND TAPE. She begins sniffing madly much like a coke addict trying to get a hit and stares at it like "what the HELL?????" looks at me whereupon I tell her "hell if I know!", back down again and then starts..............

TRYING TO RIP UP THE TAPE frantically. I SHIT YOU NOT!!!! (I also believe I told you she is a very intelligent animal, no?)

I collapsed ont the sofa laughing my butt off. (see? It's not that hard to aim for the sofa. I mean, it IS right next to you, not even 6 inches from your body!) I said in between gasping breaths watching Angel's continued efforts to rip the tape up "Even the cat knows that is fucked up and WRONG!WAAAAAAAhhhhhhaaaahahahahahahahahaha".

So, ever since that day, I have watched Monster literally run around the house and lift things and walk perfectly fine (all the while cursing me under her breath, or very loudly) but the nanosecond her son walks in the door? 'Ooyyyyyyyy!!!!! My ARM! MY LEG!!!! Owwwwwww!" with much limping and grabing of arm to hold it close to her body and wincing and whining. I watch this all with utter amazement. Not only I watch this, but Arianna watches it, but the live in Aupair -Siony-we have watches as well. (She is a wonderful lady we have to be here when I'm at work (Yeah, peanut gallery, WHEN I have a job!) or if we want to go out at nights or whatever so Monster is free to go and do what she wants when she wants since she doesn't like watching her grandaughter. The poor lady also helps out watching over Monster and gives her massages for her arthritis and cleans her room for her). So,we all watch this drama unfold in front of our eyes daily with gaping mouths and much shaking of heads. Siony saying quietly to me: "How she is around Z is completely different when he isn't here! I tell you! Neither Arianna nor myself saw her actually fall. And why she didn't land on the sofa? She just started moaning and telling Arianna to call her father."

Z home= Much acting and near death experiences
Z not home= not a damn thing wrong. Even dancing and singing (along with curses)

Siony is very bright and so funny. She also made an interesting observation. She said to me "It's funny, isn't it? She has many children and grandchildren, and they know she 'fell' and even before that, but NONE of them come by or call to see how she is. Even the grandaughter two doors down doesn't come. Only one daughter, N, will call every now and then. Hmmm. Odd." Yeah Siony, no kidding hon. Yeah, funny that.

Now? It has come to my attention that she has told pretty much everyone-yes, that includes Siony,the triplets nannies-all 3 of em!- the neighbors, their housemaids and cooks and gardners, her children- that it was deliberate on my part and that I'm trying to kill her. All this shit for some attention and sympathy that is NOT forthcoming? Sick.

(for the record, no, my spouse does nothing to dispell this rumor and says nothing to her of her incessant slandering of my reputation. He laughs. I even heard him tell one of his friends on the phone that said to him "so, I heard your wife shoved your mom on the floor" and he said 'heh. yeah probably". to which I became higly offended and appalled and said to him as he hung up "How can you let ANYONE joke about me that way? I was not even in the same freaking house when it happened!!!! I was WITH YOU!Why couldn't you just say that?" He just laughed and said "so what, let people think what they want." So, for the record and here on the internet for anyone to see, I say this: NO. I am not trying to off this crazy old bat. ok? I'll let her croak on her own and answer to God, or try to, and I think we all know where this evil thing will end up in the end anyway.)

Oh for Christssake! If I was going to do it:
a) I would have done it ages ago and
b) I would do it RIGHT.

Give me a little credit here, jeez!

So, without further ado, drumroll please!

And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to....................................................................................... MONSTER... for "I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!"


Inquisition Confession – Week 12

Hi everyone! I'm here with Miss Scarlett, my cat, keeping me company laying sprawled out on my computer and I'm STILL high on Dimetapp and now running a fever and my poor bod is achy. Ick.

I know for a fact I have a few male readers, but for the life of me, I have no idea why they won't come out to play with us ladies! Oh well. I'm ready to answer your questions darlings while I still can.

I had just swigged my Dimetapp fix before I read this from Cheryl B. She cracks me up! I absolutely adore her Castle (p*rn shop) stories! I just HAD to share!

My question will follow, but first, to cheer you up....When I worked at Castle there was this guy who worked at 24 hour fitness and he had to put little boxes in all the local businesses for monthly drawings for free trial memberships. So he came in about once a week to collect them. He was very nice and we talked a lot (I thought he was gay!), and he had a big crush on me. I found out that he stripped in his spare time for extra money (like at bachelorette parties). Did I mention that he was wicked hot! So he comes in one day and wants me to help him pick out something new to ware to his stripping gigs. I gave him a black leather thong and a pair of chaps. He asked me to wait by the dressing room to make sure it looked good, I was more then happy to oblige. When he was done he opened the door and WAS ONLY WEARING THE CHAPS! I'm telling you, no matter how many pictures and recreations of cocks you see there nothing so shocking as the unexpected sight of one waggling at you.

Question time.....What is your funniest penis story?

My funniest penis story involves a rock star. Is that cheesy? Well, the fact remains that this has to be best penis story I can come up with.

It was the summer of 1996. My then friend (I thought) Kathy was seeing a guitarist who, at the time, was a member of Duran Dur*n and touring with them, but had previously been a member of Missing Per*ons, named Warren.

Before I go any further, I would like to say that with the exception of this one incident, he was always kind, considerate and such a sweetheart to me when I was around. So he slipped up once. Maybe he was testing me, I don't know and don't care really, cause he is such a darling.

Anyway, we, Kathy, Rebecca and I were up in his hotel room visiting him and watching a movie. He was on tour and honestly, wanted some friendly faces around and some chit chat. I thought it was nice of him to include Rebecca and I when he could have dumped our asses just to be with Kathy, you know? (Mind you, Kathy was the one trying to dump us!)

Anyway, Kathy got it into her head to take a shower and left the three of us sitting around talking and what not. I was sitting closest to Warren, literally not even a foot away, in a chair, Rebecca to my left and Warren sitting on the bed.

Becca was preoccupied with channel surfing and Warren and I were talking about God knows what when I noticed he had a naughty grin on his face and was looking into my eyes. I still don't know why I glanced down, but I did and….

I almost fell out of my seat. He was fondling himself right in front of me! He had whipped out the BIGGEST PENIS I've ever seen in person or on film (even till now). I kid you not! (If you ask me all pretty like, I will tell you how big he is. Well enquiring minds?)

I guess my eyes must have bugged out and I'm damn sure I blushed and looked over at Becca (who NATURALLY happened to look over right at that moment) and then, naturally back down to his lap and back up to his grinning face as I said "Warrennn!!" and he immediately apologized to me and put himself away. He mumbled something about keeping his hands limber and occupied when not playing guitar and asked me with a big wink "Sorry hon. Forgive me?" and I did.

He never did it again and thankfully Kathy never found out. Becca and I both swore not to tell her so as not to hurt her feelings. She would have had a hissyfit and a half too.

I have to say, thinking back on it, I'm still extremely impressed with Warrens endowments. According to Kathy, he knew how to use it too!


Now we get to Carrie Jo's tamer question:

How much of a bitch does one have to be to get their money back from a company that took it when they weren't supposed to? And a bonus question of: I wonder if you put some vodka in the Dimetapp if it would have the same effect as Nyquil?

Well Carrie since I don’t know details I'll speak in general terms, all right? At first, hold back the bitch. Save the bitch for a later stage if being nice doesn't work or if staff you are dealing with get shitty with you and you need to go to management. I would file, politely, an official complaint with the management in person and also in writing (proof). Then, do follow up's if they didn't refund the money right then. Take notes of who you spoke to, and when (day, time,etc.) and any promises made if any. If after, say, a couple of days you hear nothing after your follow ups, then ask for a manager higher up , name names after explaining the problem. At this point, get bitchy if you have to.

Threaten to sue (God, but I love America! "I'll sue your ass!"), if it was taken from a credit card, before you do anything, REPORT THE MISSCHARGE. Then, take steps to have it reversed and tell the management. Tell them you will file a complaint with the Business Bureau, etc… That should get some asses in gear. Just don't cuss. If you cuss, you put them immediately on the defensive. But get loud if necessary, show you are upset, as is your right. Fight them with logic. "Calm down? Tell me, if you were in my place, after trying to take care of this mistake and dealing with Mr. XYZ, would you BE CALM? I don't think so!"

If this doesn't work? Give me details…. And I'll give you detailed responses. Asshats. I hate when this happens.

Carrie Jo asked me the vodka and Dimetapp question cause I told her Ny Quill isn't sold here because it has alcohol in it so therefore cannot be sold over the counter in drugstores. A pity that. Honestly. (and I am a walking/blogging NyQuill commercial here people!)

Frankly darling, I haven't the foggiest idea. Anyone out there know? Man but I miss NyQuill.

Here comes my long time friend Catrina with this entry. I am posting most of the whole freaking entry for two reasons. 1) Because some of you may NOT have seen her comment on the previous post and 2) because some of you DID see it, and, well, Cat, bless her (reeeeoooowwww pfffft!) probably got you all itching to ask me more questions as a result. I aim to please.

Anyhoo, Cat asked:

Hey Cyn, remember when I was pregnant (and no one knew) and we went to that gay bar with the male dancer and I put cash in his g-string? AAAAHHH.....the good 'ol days. And then that lezbiana asked if I would put money in her panties? Sorry this comment is so gross. Hope it made you smile.

Question: What colors are your walls, or what color do you want to paint them...or are you a wall paper girl?

First things first. Yes Catrina, you not only made me smile, but you made me laugh my ass off! (how can I be congested AND have a runny nose? I don't get it)

In the omitted part, she recounted some of her penis stories. I just have to mention that my Mom's friend, who is also a nurse, told her this funny story of a big guy that came into the ER back in the 70's.

They rolled the guy in on the gurney and then the nursing staff had to cut his pants off to get at the injury.

Now please remember, this is back in the late 70's when all the dudes wore tight polyester pants so you could see their package. Well, it would appear that this particular guy looked SUPER endowed. Then once the pants were cut off, everyone started sniggering to themselves. This guy had strapped a big sausage to his leg so it looked like he was big! Isn't that funny?hahahahahaaaaaaa.

Yes Cat, I DO indeed remember our trip to the gay club that had male dancers on a stage in g-strings.

Talk about a can of worms. Readers, Cat and I went to the gay club with my BIL, whos gay and Z was with me-us- as well. A bunch of friends went together. What can I say? It had the best music. The DJ was amazing! A very non-threatening atmosphere if you just want to dance and have a good time, really and not worry about getting hit on. Usually. Cause, well, a different lesbian grabbed my ass that night. Cat and I must have been on a roll or something! Heh. On to Cat's real question for the day…..

What colors are your walls, or what color do you want to paint them...or are you a wall paper girl?

I paint them actually. Never been much of a wallpaper girl. (Runners are nice though) Can't really have wallpaper here with all the humidity that we have most of the year. I also am really super anal about wallpaper and I hate to see improperly installed wallpaper, and also how it tends to peel and bubble later on. I much prefer paint.

Lets see. Most of my walls are painted Magnolia. It is not white and not cream. More of a beautiful off white. It is not stark like pure white and I find cream to look dirty, really and it darkens the house also. Magnolia is very welcoming and goes with pretty much all color schemes.

I said most of my walls. In my living room, which is a rectangle. I have two walls in an L-shape with two window apiece. On those windows I have beautiful turquoise drapes hanging. On the walls with windows, I have Magnolia, a nice neutral color. On the walls opposite, they are painted a very pale salmon color. I mean PALE and sheer. (trick for this later) In this room is a huge custom made sofa set of a 4 seater (but we've had 5 on it comfortably) and 2 jumbo loveseats in cream brocade with throw pillows the same color as the curtains. Opposite is a single seater in a deeper shade of turquoise set against one of the salmon walls. I've been told the room effect is soothing and welcoming at the same time.

The entrance hall and hallway are Magnolia. Ari's room has pale yellow walls which pick up the color in her matching drapes and bed clothes. The bed clothes and drapes are this vibrant Crayola blue-green (yes, like the crayon) with big flowers in Fuchsia ,Lavender and Bright yellow on it. (fuchsia jersey sheets!) The yellow walls balance it out tremendously. My room? Pale, very sheer lavender walls. The drapes and comforter at present are called African Violet, but I don't think that is perhaps the best description of the color. It is a beautiful medium violet color. but I have a few different comforters/ duvet covers that I alternate that all go well with this. Don't forget my new jersey sheets that I adore!!!! Popcorn yellow. Ahhhhh. There is a cream loveseat in my room too and the furniture is white, so the room is bright and airy.

Now, my painting tip. Most people I know (back home) slap paint straight on the walls from the can. Um, no.I know I used to. But here, I learned something easy that is really nice.

This works well on matte or semi-matte finishes for INTERIOR water based painting. Add water to the paint and mix well.

Yes, I'm serious. Not a lot of water, mind you, but a bit, a little at a time. By a bit, I mean a maximum of a couple of cups. It will give you a lovely finish to the paint and enable you to get a lovely sheer color on your walls. Also? Dries in about half the time!

Another hint when buying paint. (I miss Home Depot too!) When looking at paint swatches (you know the strips with about 5 colors on 'em from light to dark.) if say you like the second color down on the swatch? Tell the paint guy to give you No 1. Why? Cause the paint in the can is always…. ALWAYS a couple of shades darker or brighter than the swatch you're in love with. (ie, option 3 or 4) If you like Color 1, the top color on the swatch, then tell paint guy to adjust the mix ratio in the paint drum. (you know, the enter a number in the computer, put it in, and the computer drops color into white paint and shakes the hell out of it) They CAN and will adjust it. Alternately… buy some pure white paint to lighten it with if it's truly hideous when you get home.

On that note, I want to run an idea by you all…

I've been toying with the idea of an 'attached" blog of Scarlett's Haven for advice. An offshoot if you will where I give advice. I'm curious what you all think about it.

It could cover a wide range of subjects even something like, well, painting. But with a disclaimer of course, since I don't want any Jenny Jones episodes due to my advice and I think I'm a lot NICER than Dr. Laura (who I DO listen to, btw). It's just that I find myself asked for advice often about all sorts of things from tricks for bringing up baby, to romantic things, (It's a joke that I'm like Dr. Ruth) or, well, anything. When to be a bitch and when NOT to be. Etc…. like so.

Drop me a comment below or email (Scarlett.Cyn@gmail.com) and let me know what you think or any ideas you might have.

Until my next post, adios my darlings!


Elixir of the Gods

Look I think that used to be what they called wine or sommat back in the day, you know, during the Roman Empire or some such.

But today?(tonight) my Elixir appears to be Dimetapp... and in copious amounts.

I am rapidly feeling like absolute shit, my friends, burning runny nose, itchy watery eyes, sneezing like HELL, runny nose (did I mention that? well, it's bad) burning tight throat.... and... feeling a bit achy and warm.

I broke down and opened the new box of Dimetapp Elixir. I haven't taken this in ages. So. I like a good responsible person, read the doseage instructions... and then stare at them like I'm seeing things for a good 3 minutes. Check it out.

Adults and children 12 years and over: 4tsp every 4 hours

4 tsp? Every 4 hrs? Aw HELL YA! But with a 4oz bottle, how long will this actually last me? another thing. I just read the fine print.....

*do not take more than 4 does in a 24 hour period.

Is my math wrong, or did they just fuck with their own instructions? cause, to me, every 4 hrs = 6 doses a day ie: a helluva lot of Dimetapp. Right?

Whatever, I'm just waiting to feel better.

Think on the possibilites of the crazy ass answers you could get from me while I'm high on this stuff and writing my Confession!

If that doesn't tempt you, I don't know what will.

Ta for now darlings... I'm waiting to feel loopy!Cheers! *chugs*



Hiya! Wanted to remind anyone that wants to play, cut off is tomorrow for the Inquisiton questions. I have to say, I'm awfully curious as to what y'all will come up with for this first Inquisition of 2005.

Ari was sick and vomiting over the phone in my ear yesterday. This is NOT what a mother wants to hear over the phone when she is out of the house for 40 minutes. Jeez. Then she slept for about 14 hours and didn't go to school today and is fine now. WTF?

Me? My throat kind of burns and my sinuses are being funny too. I'm a grumpy butt and kind of down today. Z set my mood off yesterday by reiterating that I should be kissing Monsters ass and that I'm a jerk for not doing so and that all my bad luck is deserved for not being an asslicker for her. Asshat. (Gee, and how was YOUR day?)

I'm so OVER that crap. No more of the asskisssing for her. Nuh-uh. My reaction was to stare at him in shock with my mouth gaping open. *shakes head in disgust* Mood is still shit. (mine)

So go on, make my day. Cheer me up. Ask me something good, will ya?


One Day In.....

Well, here where I live, January 1, 2005 is a memory. One day down, 364 to go. Or has that changed as a result of the earthquake last week too? What with the Earth wobbling on its axis and all that stuff, one might wonder. Yes, one might.

Oh my! It's been a while since 'we' have referred to 'ourself' in the second person. 'We' kinda like it. It's all Regal and shiiiiit. *heh, snicker, guffaw* (perhaps the snicker, guffaw wasn't so regal. Tough.)

Was thinking about making New Year's Resolutions on Dec 31st, but then decided against it. I have too much real stuff I need to concentrate on, you know?

Like finding a job, perhaps. (Ok. So, I'm dragging that one over. I'm trying!) Or, working on the whole house thing. *shudder* Then there is my other little project called having another baby. Yes, this project is getting on my last damn nerve, I tell you! Can't do diddly about it until I have a job.... and finish new slave, erm, employee probabation period of 3 mos. My bloody biological clock is ticking so loud in my ears it's almost deafening.

Perhaps that clock is ticking louder than usual because my ovarian cysts have been acting up lately. Loosly translated, that means hurting like a motherfucker. Pain so sudden and severe that you think you are going to pass out. This is exceptionally unpleasant and requires extreme amounts of self control not to drop to the floor in the grocery store you happen to be in and assume the fetal position whimpering like a kicked puppy until the pain abates.

Hell if I know why they started acting up again. That's the thing with PCOS. Sometimes, no pain at all.. others? Hellish agony. It hasn't been this bad in quite a while. I take back that "hell if I know" remark. Perhaps my ovaries and their resident 'pearl neckalce" of cysts are taking vengence on me because I have started taking my Metformin/Glucophage again. Well! It's only two tablets a day for now! Wait till I up the dose in a week! That will really piss em off I bet!

The Metformin somehow works in my case, I think, to suppress the screwy hormones said pearl necklace of painful little focking cysts produce and send to my adrenal glands that generally fock me up in a myriad of ways. Metformin/Glucophage is usually taken to control blood sugar levels, but apparently it is also good for PCOS suffers as well.

What I would LOVE to know is why in the hell after 17 years of having Grade 1 PCOS, a year ago it bumped up to a damn Grade 4, or MAX levels. In Homeland Security terms, this would be a code RED people. But of course, NO EXPLANATION or reasons why. Just scratching of Wand Monkey heads and any assistants.

I hate that.

Now then. In a way, it's a good thing I can't do another IVF baby try right now anyway. See, I found out that the embryologist (the 'baker" as I like to call him that watches over my eggs/embryos when he has them) quit. The hospital has NO EMBRYOLOGIST. That makes me sad. See. He and I were kinda friends now. He also told me often that he thinks I have lovely embryos "PERFECT!" such lovely $^*I^)($*^%(#&$(*&%$(Medical terms for embryo parts) and all. And he's gone!

Now that's a pity. No Embryologist and Wand Monkey quit and moved to another hospital without a by your leave. Well, I am keenly interested to make the acquaintence of his replacement, who, coincendentally, has the same first name, RARE first name, as the doctor that got me pregnant with Arianna.

If that isn't a sign heck if I know what is.

So, New Years Resolutions, I haven't made, technically. Its just a rollover of my prior goals from 2004. To my girlfriends ( and my dear male friend and his wife too!) who are trying and hoping to get pregnant this year, I pray we are all holding our new children by this time in 2006 or that they are at least on the way!