Well, this is yet another amazing Monster story I have to regale you all with. But first, a reminder to get your Inquisition questions in before 12:01 Pacific Time Tuesday (which happens to be my anniversary, too)

Now, on to the absurdity of my day to day life things that make you wonder WHAT THE HELL?

Proof is what I'm offering you all today. Proof that I am totally justified in my fear of what Monster is capable of. Ok, that or that she is totally out of her f-fing mind.

I also happen to have a witness.

The other day, for NO GOOD REASON, I looked out Arianna's bedroom window and saw the strangest sight.

Monster in the garden with the big broom I use to sweep the front porch and walkways beating the hell out of a tree.

Yes, I said a TREE.

She had that broom in her hands, in the middle of the day, whacking the tree trunk with all her strength for about 5 minutes that I saw with a scary look on her face-yes, scarier than her USUAL look. (Isn't this some scary shit, y'all???) Nooshi is the witness to this insane shit.

She bear the crap out of the tree, kept right on swinging until she got tired, I suppose, cause she tossed the broom on the grass and stood there heaving for breath and shaking.


I told her son –you know, the one I'm married to?-about the tree abuse and he shrugged his shoulders and laughed. Am I alone in thinking this really isn't all that amusing? I mean, perhaps- OK… MOST LIKELY- I WAS THE DAMN TREE.

Today I was looking at my poor abused tree and at all the scars on the trunk as a result of her –is ass whoopin appropriate here?- abuse the other day. The tree is seriously fucked up people. It's sad. Shitload of gouges and scars and abuse. Why the tree? Hell if I know what brought that attack on.

No wonder I have nightmares every now and then of her stabbing me in my sleep repeatedly and smearing my blood on the walls, writing stuff, which is interesting in itself in that… she can't read or write.

It would seem that anything is possible, as I've always suspected. If anything ever happens to me, I expect you ALL to testify, dammit!

Hold me, I'm skeered.


Just DO IT, willya?!

In case you haven't heard, there is the upcoming BOB's, or Best of Blogs Awards 2004 coming up hosted by BlogMechanics.com. . *hint hint*

If any of you are new to blogging or just plain clueless (like me half of the time), I highly recommend you check out this site for any and all assistance and it is the result of two really fantastic bloggers putting their blogging genuis together! (Could I really pimp them any more than this? Time will tell, now won't it?) Back to work bitches!

Anyhoo, back to the awards! It's a great thing, since there was a previous awards thingie but they were all asshats and only really considered political blogs, and doesn't that sound BORING AS HELL? Why read a political blog when you can read something infintely more interesting? (If you actually had to move your cursor over that, then you don't know me very well, do you?)

Check it out and don't forget, there is still time to NOMINATE your favorite blog before December 24! (you did it again with the cursor, didn't you?) You could really make a blogger's day by nominating them. Like, say, MINE FOR INSTANCE! So again, with the Gwen Stefani quote because it is really so appropriate: WHAT YOU WAITING FOR?

I'm a shameless thing, aren't I with all this self-promotion and pimping of blogs, aren't I? I must say, I learned from the best!


Disgusted Beyond Belief

While doing my usual visit to my 'sister' networks website- CNN, not cNN (cyn News Network, as I've been affectionately dubbed- I stumbled across yet another story worthy of mention here on my blog.

As I read the article headed "Wife wishes spouse never won lottery" or some such, after which I thought "What a load of crap! Must read!" I found myself with my ass on fire. Read: pissed off.

Was I pissed and, quite frankly disgusted not that his wife said she wishes he never won the money (Although that sounds like a load of malarkey. I'd LOVE to know what she bought herself with his windfall!)? No. Was I irritated that the dude has become a complete wastrel? Um. No.

What got me all bent out of shape was the cut the government took of his winnings, the 'poor' bastard. Prepare yourselves……. Of his $314.9 million dollars, the government taxed him………. $201.9 million. That is 64% (give or take a half a point) of his winnings and yes, as much as I hate math, I was agitated enough to do the math to figure it out. 64% of his lottery winnings went to the GOVERNMENT? That is just excessive in the extreme, dammit.

And while I realize that a take home of $113.million is nothing to sneeze at, and more than most of us will ever see in our lifetimes unfortunately, it sure as hell isn't $314.9 million, now is it?

Perhaps he is a drunk and a brawler, but hell, the dude gave 20 million to CHARITY y'all, so he isn't a complete asshat. To be honest, if I had been taxed that much, I'd probably look for solace in drink also!

I hope that he at least put most of his money in a Swiss bank account or in an offshore account in Bermuda so he doesn't have to pay so much annually to the tax man on top of the money they took from him initially.

Born free and taxed to death. Yeah, no kidding!


Inquisition Confession – Week 10

I am a happy woman today, regardless of the mind blowing (literally) migrane I woke up with this morning. Honestly, I'm still waiting for my head to expl*de, but it hasn't happened yet. I figured I'd better get this confession posted before it does. So,why so happy you may ask?

Because this week I have Inquisition QUESTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wooohoooo! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!!

Let's get right to it, shall we my darlings?

Cheryl b., whom I missed dreadfully last week, made up for lost time with her question this week, I do believe. Seriously, I love Cheryl to bits. Check out what she nailed me with this week:

So at work today there was this really hot guy, and he was really really nice (to me and his son) and I would totally have asked him out, right. He was 4 foot tall. Which makes no difference to me at all. Would it have made a difference to you? (My bet is "no") And as a side question, have you ever seen (or wanted to see) midget porn? Love ya!

Cheryl darling, I love ya babe! You win your bet, sweetcheeks! You are right, his being short, ok, DAMN SHORT wouldn't bother me at all, especially if he was such a hottie as you say. ROWRRR. For me, its really all about personality and looks don't hurt either. Like this guy Albert in my college French class. Sweet Lord was he hot. Okay, he was sexy as hell. And, well, short, but he had the most beautiful smile, turquoise eyes, and golden skin. He also happened to be all of about 5'1-maybe. But he was HOT and charming and intelligent. Did I EVER have a thing for him. We were good friends, and, well, were united in irritating the professor out of her mind, and had many secret looks between us to instigate ultimate irritation for Mme. *sigh*. Now that I think on it, and him, he had a mighty fine caboose too!

As to your side question about midget porn. Did you mean to say TROLL porn?Waahhhhhhhahahahahahahaha. Troll. Heh. Troll! Porn! Hah. Ok. Um, no, I've never seen it, and never really thought on it before. I don't think I would. Z is probably a different thing altogether, since he was all surprised about them reproducing and stuff after that damn Oprah show, bless Oprah's heart! For the record, he says it freaks him out. Me? Well, unless.. naw. Not really. Have you? (Dumb question, I know, you having worked in a s*x shop before… but I had to ask!)

That question answered, it's time to move on to my new friend Mare Imbrium, who has tapped into my fantasy and that of most of the people that showed up to my house tonight. Mare asked:

Oh, here's my question. I had a couple of good ideas but I'm going to go with this one: If there were no consequences, what kind of a trick/practical joke would you like to play on Monster? I thought that would be a fun little imagination exercise for you. :)

Well Mare, you were absolutely right. It was a fun imagination exercise. And marginally depressing also.

The general consensus for the evening by everyone who's last damn nerve she was getting on was…...... Sleeping pills, and a lot of them at once. I swear, everyone kept saying "Anyone got sleeping pills to slip her in quantity? She doesn't shut up, is nagging incessantly and making cracks and remarks about Cyn!"

If you think I haven't seriously considered keeping her medicated secretly (so much for the secret NOW, huh?) day in and day out, you are out of your head. I've thought of it, and it was suggested to me by MORE than one of my physicians. It would seem that there is a medication for psychotic individuals that makes Lithium look like M&M's I could give her that is clear and a liquid and tasteless that would keep her silent and sweet as a baby lamb. A few drops a day in her morning tea and I'd be set. Baaaaa baaaaaa. Ok. She would be stoned to the gills. The only thing stopping me is….

If anything happened to the old witch, I would get blamed and probably all sorts of scary shit done to me by the children that would suddenly decide to give a damn, hence, the daily load of crap I have to deal with which has left Nooshi, my houseguest of almost 2 months who is leaving on Friday (SOB! Waaaaaaaaaaaah) ready to attack her ass….. DAILY. So, I guess Mare, I'd medicate her with this stuff daily. I've got THREE doctors ready and willing to give it to me, all I need do is ask.


Last but not least is my darling Carrie Jo who asked me the hardest question of all:

What should I get my 13-year-old sister for Christmas? I haven't a clue...

Isn't Carrie Jo cute? Here I'm sitting wracking my own brain for a gift for my 10 year old and coming up with zilch, really.

Join the club babycakes! So far, I've gotten Arianna CD's, cassettes, and DVD's, cause, well, that's her kind of thing, ya know? My plan was for a stereo from Santa, so that ties in well. She is quite into electronics. She was hinting for PS2 games too. And for some squirrelly reason, she wants a water gun.

When I was 13, I was into electronics like cameras and such. Music, makeup and, honestly boys. And books. I was also into jewelry at a young age. Perhaps a bracelet? Nothing waaaay expensive. Just a nice bracelet? Or necklace with a pendant? She will treasure it always.

Did I wimp out on you Carrie Jo? Sorry babe. Best I can do with the exploding brain of today.

Thanks to my lovely lady friends for their questions. Until my next post, I bid you all adieu!


From The Mouths Of Babes

I got a good chuckle from my almost 3 year old niece today that I just have to share with you all.

Today, while doing my daily nursing/doctoring duties with my triplet nieces and nephew down the street who are really so very sick with lung and sinus infections and then playing with them so they don't hate me for being the "bad guy" for giving meds and doing mean things like flushing out their noses, suctioning all the "boogies" and saline used to flush said nostrils followed by nose drops, temperature taking and administration of Tylenol infant and nebulisers as needed. Yes, I was in the doghouse with three 6 1/2 month olds and had to atone for my sins by playing, kissing, hugging, singing and entertaining them afterwards. God but it felt good to hold babies close in my arms and kiss their sweet heads, sick or not. I love children THAT much!

Their big sister, Leya, is my little pal, but my-oh-my is she a character! Herein lies my story.

After my medical/entertainer duties, it was Leya's turn with Auntie. Fine. After that, I left her in charge of watching over her sisters and brother (since she already has the 3 nannies firmly in control). She answered with a serious: "Yes Auntie. I'll take care of them!" but before I could leave the front door, she came running after me and insisted on showing me her new array of Christmas presents under the tree. I then worked her up about Santa Claus's upcoming visit. Next, was the eternal question from me since her mother had been racking her brain the night before wondering……

"What do you want Santa to leave for you under the tree Christmas Morning sweetie? Shall I send an email to Santa for you?"

You will never believe the answer I received in a million years.

Leya: " YES! SEND SANTA AN EMAIL FOR ME PLEASE! Well…… I want a really pretty dress!"
Me: "Ok. A pretty dress, and what else?"
Leya: "yeah, a pretty dress….. and……………………………. A bra."
Me: ------- *blank stare*----------
Leya: "I said I want a bra, Auntie Cyn! haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"
Me: (Sounding strangled)"You really want a BRA for Christmas from Santa?"
Leya: "YES! A BRA A BRA! And I want panties too!"
Me: (weakly) "Let me check now. A pretty dress, a bra and panties? Is that everything?"
Leya:" Ummm…….also tell Santa I want LOTS of SWEETS in my stocking, ok?"
Me: (laughing my butt off)"So, let me tell you what I will put to Santa in my email, and if it's ok, I'll send it, allright?"
Me: "Ok. How's this? 'Dear Santa, I have been a very good girl this year and a very good big sister to my new sisters and brothers. Could you please leave a pretty dress for me, a bra and panties, and lots of sweets for me on Christmas Morning? I will leave milk and cookies out for you to eat! I love you Santa. Love, Leya'. "
Leya: "Yeah, that's good Auntie Cyn! Send it just like THAT!"

I blackmailed her for my goodbye kiss and left the house laughing my ass off all the way on the walk home while dialing her mother's mobile phone no. I told her about her daughter's wish list for Santa and she, who was having a little snack at work, promptly started laughing so hard mid chew that she sprayed quite a bit out saying "OH MY GOD! ARE YOU SERIOUS??WAAAAAAHAAAA". Lovely, no?

God but I love children.