Miss Congeniality

The above title would definetly NOT describe me today. Not by a long shot. Not even if you were drunk from a 3 day non-stop drinking binge and high on crack.

Today I am really, completely depressed. Even the little happy pills my doctor gave me aren't helping today. At least Amy isn't the only one taking 3 giant leaps backwards this week. See what a good pal I am? I'm keeping her company.

I've been fighting this for weeks now. I had been doing pretty good up to this point, but today? Absolute crap. Nothing in particular, just lots of things adding on to one another. I woke up feeling pretty bad as a matter of fact. I didn't want to get out of bed and the day didn't improve from there, either. Lunch was a nightmare-for me anyway. Arianna was acting up at the table, and like ANY responsible mother, I was trying to instruct her on proper behaviour. She decided to take issue and argue the point with me instead of just doing as instructed. It became a debate over table manners with no mediator. Rule No 1: Do not argue with Mom. Especially about ettiquite, cause I don't hold with an overly arguementative 10 year old, sorry. Instead of backing me up, Z told ME "Can you just shut up? I don't want to hear any talking during lunch."

Yes, go on, imagine my gaping look of shock. I'll wait for you.............. Done? Ok.

Before ANY of you say it, yes, he screwed up on a multitude of levels. 1: degraded me in front of the child when I was trying not only to teach her something but also to make a point. 2, by degrading me in front of her by asking ME to shut it and not talk, he took HER SIDE and that is just... WRONG.2.5: by dissing me in front of her, disrespecting me in front of Arianna, the child will wonder "Why should I respect her, even DAD doesn't". Trust me, MY kid will totally rationalize that. 3: For Chrissake, if she has poor tablemanners what will people say? They will say "her mother didn't teach her". HELLO?!!!!!!!! THIS IS MY DAMN JOB HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! So then Monster was running her mouth nonstop after I shut mine and stared at my plate and I finally said quietly and almost under my breath: "if you want peace and quiet during lunch, then you should tell EVERYONE TO SHUT UP, especially HER, not just me".

Of course he said nothing to his mom. Just me. Why just me? Cause I'm stupid, I swear.

Later, I got another version of "Just be quiet and don't say anything" for a totally different reason. I swear, growing up, my Dad was quite fond of the old adage "Children should be seen and not heard". Forgive me, I'm 33 years old and I'm getting it still. ARRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I don't hear about an interview or a job this week, I think I'll go completely over the deep end,dammit. Why my sudden desperation? Because darlings, this week the Holy Month of Ramadan starts. The month of fasting. Nothing gets done in Ramadan, I swear. Offices are only open for 6 hours a day so that people can go home to prepare to break their fast at sundown. Everyone is fasting and that equals some really CRAP moods. Can you imagine going to an interview with someone who is fasting (no, not even water from sunrise to sundown) so, hungry and cranky, and probably has no sleep, (cause people stay out till all hours all nights of the week going to gatherings and tents set up at the hotels to smoke shisha (hookah) and play cards and eat, eat, eat, eat and watch entertainment.)? Not bloody likely. In which case, that would mean perhaps a whole another month with no job.

Yesterday I discovered that my bank is, yet again, screwing my account up, those bastards. I just wanted to check and make sure they took the money Z gave me to make my loan payment and lo and behold, there was some very strange numbers and things on the mini statement I printed out at the then closed bank. I paid off and closed my Visa card back in December 2003, and guess what showed up? They are STILL charging me a shitload of fees. Then, for some stupid reason, they took money out of my account in the form of a Visa payment, you know, the Visa card that has been closed for 11 months now?????!!! Stupid British Bank Standard Chartered. YES. I put the name. Why? Because they are bastards and I hate them. Can I change my bank? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, not till I have a JOB, because why? I would have to transfer my loan to said new bank because me not being a local, I have to have a salary transfer direct to the bank I have my loan at. If not? They will do mean things to me, like drag me to court where I don't speak the language, put a hold on my passport, and generally harass the living shit out of me. HATE. THEM. ASSHATS.

You know how I know I'm really depressed? When Monster starts in on her shit at me and I am completely unable to hold my temper in. Yes darlings, you guessed it. I went apeshit on her ass tonight. I know you and I know you are all chomping at the bit for details, aren't you my lovlies?

It was over something so stupid really. But I wasn't gonna shut my mouth, nuh-uh. First off, some background. It was over a little water aquarium picture I have in my Guest bath on a shelf. (on a shelf, cause the whole thing is tiled floor to ceiling) Z bought it for arianna, but she didn't want it in her room, cause she knocked it off the wall one day. This thing looks like a hanging aquarium, does actually have water, and has 3 little fishies and is battery operated so that when you flip a switch, the fishies swim all over the place. It's cute. So, When ari exiled it from her room, I put it in the guest bath back in MAY, since this IS MY HOUSE, INNIT??? So, the fishy thing was there this afternoon but this evening, when I was checking my emails, Ari came and got all bitchy with me and giving me attitude as to WHY I PUT THE DAMN FISHY PICTURE BACK IN HER ROOM ON THE WALL CAN"T I GET IT IN MY HEAD SHE DOESN"T WANT IT IN THERE? (she yet breathes, don't worry) I said "First Missy, Watch your mouth and tone of voice with me!,Second, don't accuse me of moving something if you don't know I did it. and Thrid, STOP SHOUTING AT ME, I"M NOT DEAF!!!!!!!!!!" She said "Oh, sorry, I thought you did it. I don't want it in my room. I said , Ok then, put it somewhere." So she did. IN the bathroom, aparently, that she shares with Monster.

Got all this? Good. Fast forward 2-3 hours. I'm in the kitchen making Z a snack. Ok, one of my famous sandwiches. My kitchen has 3 doors. 1 goes outside. 1 opens and is always open onto the L-shape hallway that leads to the bedrooms and eventually, after a left turn, out my front door or to an alternative door for entering the Living room. Kitchen door 3 opens onto the living room. Directly opposite door 2 is Ari and monster's bathrom at the end of the hall.

There I stand, minding my own business and making Z his snack. Monster comes out of the bathroom and starts SCREAMING AT ME with the most horrible "DIE YOU FUCKING BITCH" look on her face and shaking this stupid fishy picutre at me screeching "Why did you take this down from the wall? Isn't it Arianna's? I put it there, how dare you.... why did you put it in here..........shreik, scream.... " with me just staring at her. and that dear readers is when I just. fucking. snapped.

I think I recall that I had one damn sharp knife in my hand at the time also. I stuck my head in the living room and said to her son "DO YOU HEAR THIS BULLSHIT THAT IS BEING SCREAMED AT ME? IF YOU DON'T SAY SOMETHING THEN I WILL AND YOU REALLY DON"T WANT THAT, NOW DO YOU?" Yes, I was loud, but he listens to the TV with the surround sound on and I was pissed. So sue me. He goes "WHAT?" and I said "Listen to this shit! I DIDN"T DO ANYTHING and I'm getting screamed at for nothing and being accused and she's runnig her mouth at me like this? She should ask first dammit! IM SICK OF THIS FFING BULLSHIT!" (erm, can you tell I'm mad? I may cuss like a sailor on my blog, but in real life? Not so much.) He finally heard and asked what her problem was (notice I didn't say anything to her directly?Good.) then asked me why I moved it around, etc... About this time Arianna came out of her room like "oooh, fight!" and I said "Why do you assume I did it? Why not ask your daughter, Z, what happened and why it was moved and WHO did it?" Monster kept screaming on and on about me, shreiking and shaking that damn picture and Arianna finally said to her, I took it off the wall to her dad." Then Z said to his mom " Who moved it?" she said ""Your damn wife, that..... Cyn"(she refers to me usually as that or It.) He said "Arianna just told me SHE did it." and she said "Oh, I figured It did it as usual". He said to her "before you accuse,scream, and shout, you should ASK instead of opening your mouth next time, hmmmmm? Wouldn't that be a good idea?" and to Ari he said " And you speak up next time!". Then I went and handed him his sandwich, not saying much of anything.

Good Lord, but I want to tear my hair out.

Oh yeah, the other day, she was hearing voices and she saw someone that wasn't there. Arianna actually. Ari awas playing at her cousin's house and monster said she woke up and saw Arianna creeping towards her in the doorway with pillows to come at her, then when she got up and called to her, and looked around, no one was home. I said "It couldn't be Ari, and the door was locked when I just came in. hahaha. you seeing devils too?" She said "Only the one right in front of me, YOU." Well damn. Then I had to tell her that HERE, if I get her admitted to the Psych ward, they will pay ME 200 bucks. She better HOPE I don't get desperate enough. Seeing shit that isn't there and hearing things? walking around talking to herself?

DO I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE SCARED? I THINK I DO. You should have seen her face when she was screaming at me tonight. E-V-I-L. A friend of mine dreamt that when she shook monster's hand, that when monster took her had away, there were maggots on her own hand. That is some traumatizing shit to hear, you know that?

Anyway, I got out for a bit directly after to go pick up N,( the hamster owner, remember?) from the airport. She told me a very funny story about her trip. She and her boyfriend went on a business trip together and I have a very funny story to tell, hilarious actually, but I can't post it here, cause once in a blue moon, Z might read my blog and I promised NOT to tell him, so. If you want to know it, email me or post request me real nicely and I will email it to you. (Make sure I have your email, babies!)

There are a few other things on my head at the moment, and shoulders too actually, but I won't actually go into them here. Just trust me when I say, they are big weights dragging me down.

Icing on my cake tonight? I had a record (for me) of 783 Bulk Mail in my yahoo account. Do you have any idea houw tedious it is to delete all that? Cause sometimes? A real email gets in by mistake, so I have to check before deleting. That is a LOT of SPAM, I swear. and then? On Survivor? They voted out my FAVORITE Player. The hot one, the smart one, the gorgeous one. Waaaaaaaah.

*And for the record? Z has told me (Cause I know what some of you will say) that he will NEVER EVER get his mom out. (ie I don't like it, take my own options or deal.)So basically, if I stay, I'm stuck till she kicks it.



I guess I’m on a roll about my cats lately but to be honest? I just couldn’t NOT post this little bit of funny. No way. Y’all would NEVER forgive me.

So, without further ado……..

Z and I were washing and grooming the 2 boys and Big Mama Isis. (actually she’s tiny as hell, but lots of attitude) It was bath time. I have to help because, well, if I don’t, he might end up killing one of em. He’s awfully heavy handed and rough with them unless they sit still… yeah, cats sitting still in a bath. Well, Max, my big lug, who, for the record is a flame point Himalayan Persian cat. He is a very big boy. I kid you not. He’s about the size of a partially grown cocker spaniel and damn heavy. His head is HUGE. Big ass cat. Anyway, Maximus, the big dork, snuck out of the house and flopped in the garden. My Persian cats are housecats y’all. These are pedigree, longhaired cats and cats like that and the yard? Make for a tangled mess that I have no patience to try and fix normal again. Anyway, if Max had flopped in the grass it wouldn’t have been such a big deal but where did he flop? In the newly empty flowerbed that is nothing but dirt and manure, the stupid bastard. I think he did this little outing right after he had bathed himself cause he was well, covered in the dirt and it was stuck to his fur. Sigh.

So, into the bath he went. He is generally pretty good. Usually just sits and meows a lot, particlary at ME and it sounds just like “Moooooommmm, oooooowwwwwwww,moooooooooooooooom”. Really. So, Z was soaping him down real good, 3rd shampoo and I was holding him and petting him and keeping him calm. Max, not Z! So then Z is soaping Max’s tummy and then he shouts out ………

Are you ready for this?

Are you SURE????????????????

Z shouts out “Ohhhhhhh Shitttttttttttttttttt!!!! Ewwwwwwww yeck! Shit I touched his penis! Fuuuuuuuuuuccccckkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!*gag, retch, heave, shudder* Damn… gross…ewwwwww…. I touched it….*more gagging and choking*”

This statement, shouted out loud, sent me in to absolute FITS of laughter. While I was laughing very loud and quite hysterically at him and the look on his face… his gagging and retching noises making me laugh even harder he jumped up and started scrubbing his hands with soap to wash them and , oh, I don’t know, perhaps scrub the skin off them? This made me laugh even harder and I started telling Max, “Hey big boy, I bet this is the BEST bath you EVER got, huh baby?” and he was just looking at me with those huge big blue eyes while I laughed in his little furry kitty face and hearing Z say “oh SHUT UP, will you? *Gag*” . I couldn’t stop though, I just couldn’t.

Come on, do you really blame me?


Testing, Testing……..

I was kind of worried there for a while. I keep finding myself checking to make sure my phone is working. It is getting extremely ridiculous how I drag my mobile (cell phone) around with me. Bathroom tinkle trip? Yup, there. Shower? Yup, close to hand. Kitchen for a glass of something? Yeah, there too. But I was really beginning to wonder if the damn thing was working……

Then Z called. Whew! At least it works.

You know the old saying “A watched pot never boils”? Well, the same goes for the damn phone too! Of course, when it does ring and it’s the employment agency…. I get ALL HAPPY. For a while. Although they haven't called me in 2 weeks exactly. Sigh. So.....

As you might imagine, no, still no job. !@&*(^%%$*^%$^%&

On the bright side though, I got in one of my cleaning fits the other day.

Typically, when I get "down" - okay, depressed- this uncontrollable urge to clean posesses me and then I will, for instance, yank EVERYTHING out of the closet, so that it is BARE, scrub and clean everything, including the walls and the shelves, and then put everything back in all neat and OCD arranged-more so than before even. I do this with the kitchen cabinets also from time to time. But the usual recipient of my cleaning fit? The floors. A big-ass bottle of Clorox Clean-Up, a huge stiff brustle broom, and a bucket of clean hot water and a mop. Most of the house is tile excecpt for monster and Arianna's bedrooms, so, you can imagine the extent of my endeavors, no? Z will typically walk in after one of these fits and say "Oh, Cleaning Fairy visited again, did she?" To the ladies that read my blog, yes, he has survived that smart-ass comment to say it another time.

And where are my cats during all this furious floor cleaning? I've stuffed them all in the guest bathroom with litter, food and water until I'm done and ready to do that floor-last. Why? Do you think I want paw prints on my spotless floors before they are dry? HELL NO! They would do it just to spite me. Well, maybe not Miss Scarlett, my GORGEOUS little mostly red Calico-tabby girl. Fluffball. Scarlett purrs like a Harley Davidson, has big butterscotch colored eyes and likes being carried like a baby. She obeys me like a trained dog. I swear. I call her, she comes. She is on something she shouldn't be, I tell her "Scarlett, DOWN!" and down she comes. She also likes to swing under my wrought iron glass topped coffetable. Yes, on the iron bars, the loon. I love her to pieces. The other day, she had to go potty and the door to the litter box was closed. I was on the computer and she came, meowed at me I asked her "WHAT missy?" and she turned, walked a few steps, looked back at me and meowed. I got up and followed her and she walked right to the door, looked up at me and meowed again, then stood up on her hind legs with her front paws pushing on the door. I'm not stupid, I took the hint.

She also has a Cheetos & a french bread habit, but that's another story. (What? She is also a sucker for peach yogurt. My cats junk vs healthy food pecadilios is well balanced!) To the cat haters out there...... shut up. I love her and her big daddy Maximus (Max) too. It isn't as if I don't like dogs too for chrissake! I LOVE dogs. Remember, I love most ALL critters. (excecptions:reptiles of any sort, insects except ladybugs and butterfilies, and rodents.)

Yeah yeah, I know, just call me Ellie May.



Remember my post last week about Wand Monkey leaving on sabbatical in December? Well guess what?

He’s gone. For good. Bye bye. Finito. Arevadercci. Adios Bendeho (yeah, I meant that). Aloha. Masalammeh you shithead. Don’t let the door hit you on the ass…. Wait, scratch that, I hope it DOES hit you on the ass on the way out, ya big FREAK.

Ahhhhhhhhhh, that’s better. Do I sound irritated? Good, cause I am!

He left without a word. Sneaky so and so. He just took off. And guess who is taking over his patients? His mentor. The very conservative one. The Dr. I started out with in the first place, and then when he decided he was leaving, he dumped me on Wand Monkey. So. I will name names just so we can keep things straight, shall I? The Disappearing Wand Monkey’s name is Dr. Hatem. Sarcastic Wand Monkey is Dr. Raouf. Actually, I bet if he looks at my file, Raouf will say “You’re STILL not pregnant?”followed by “Why did he do that? And why did you take _____ and what about______???” and I will just end up whimpering in his face. He is older, and honestly? Adorable. His hair is like cotton it is so white and fluffy. He is the doc that did the hellish Laprascopy on me 2 years ago exactly.

One good thing about Sarcastic Wand Monkey….. he is gentle, bless him. I STILL remember the internal exam he gave me when I was in pain, he was apologizing left, right and center and calling me ‘poor darling’ and saying ‘I know dear, I’m sorry, I know it hurts. Im done now’. Yes my dears, I’m trying to find a silver lining in all this.

You know? I can’t WAIT to tell him the specialist asked why he didn’t suggest ovarian drilling *shudder, retch, gag* 2 years ago and was questioning his choices. THAT will piss him off. Heh.

Well, I’m not gonna see him till I have an INCOME, that’s for sure. I still can’t believe Wand Monkey #1 took off. He lives around the corner, the schmuck. Feaking asswipe. I’ve been through a hell of a lot with him. Couldn’t even say BYE?

Now that, my friends, is an Asshat with a capital “A”!

In the meanwhile, I’m off to go googlesearch how to make a voodoo doll of that little gap toothed wand monkey schmuck. Now where did I put those stickpins?????