Today's Hissyfit

Now this is more like it.

The "Holy shit I'm going to go through another cycle of IVF" is kicking in. I was kinda wondering when it would, ya know? Then the eternal "What if it doesn't work again?" and "Why the hell DIDN'T it work the last 3 times??" I'm trying to be positive, I truly am. But to be really honest, I'm not worried it won't work....... no. Uh-huh. I'm TERRIFIED out of my fucking mind.

Poor Z. He tries to be sooooooo optimistic. Well so do I. But. I KNOW he's it trying to keep my spirits up. He's a sweetie. But, I think it would work better if he wasn't giving me that pitiful look when he was doing it. It would also help if he didn't look like I told him to decapitate himself when he has to go pay for the IVF package.

I feel guilty. Cause the problem is me. I have to wonder exactly what the hell is going on inside me after these embryo transfers. I really do. I just can't understand why the hell it hasn't worked. So many of the ladies out there have much worse medical reasons for it not working, things they are up against, yet it works for them.

Me, I respond extremely well-I'm very sensitive to the meds at least-, I typically get about 30 follicles per stim cycle of injectibles. Usually about half are big enough on trigger day to give some hope. I don't necessarily get that many "viable" (I hate that damn word) eggs when they are all aspirated though. Beut HEY! something is better than nothing, right? They(it) fertilize. Great. The embryologist tells me, each time, that I have "excellent", "Perfect!" or "beautiful" embryos just waiting to be transferred on ET day. My uterus is absolutely fine. not tilted, bent, or whatever. It's fucking Fabulous. Transfer goes fine. I rest. I wait 1 week.... the 2 weeks..... I feel like absolute shit with severe OHSS pain during this time...and I wait..........then I find out that it was all for nothing. It didn't work. Again.

Why? I get the answer from my DOCTOR that he really, if he were THAT smart,would NEVER say to me.... I Don't Know. Well shit. shit. shit. Excuse me, but if he dosen't know, what the hell can I DO!? To give him credit, he looks just as stupefied as I do when I think about it. I mean, our expressions are identical. That's bad. I put my trust in him, give all the money I can scrape together....... and HE DOSN'T KNOW??? He tells me that "It should have worked." *Buzzer sounds* WRONG ANSWER! I could get violent.

Being surrounded by pregnant people or people that have just given birth doesn't help much. Especially when they are nagging. Especailly the one pregnant with triplets. HELLO! You have a maid AND a nanny and are getting ready for the 2nd nanny to come soon. SHUT THE FUCK UP. I would KILL to be in such a situation. Well, almost kill. You get the idea.

Cyn's having a bad day today......
The most accurate scientific study I've seen in a while....

A recent scientific study found that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

If she is menstruating, she is likely to prefer a man doused in gasoline and set on fire, with scissors shoved deep into his temple and a cricket stump jammed up his ass.

Further studies are expected.......

This isn't a real study, it's a joke (I think). But can you believe that a male friend sent it to me??? Have you all actually SEEN a cricket stump? Ouch. Yeah, its pretty accurate.

Do any of you have any other suggestions? *claps hands in glee* aw cumon, you know you do.


Scarlett's "Dumb-ass of the Week" Award

And the winner is........................................

The dumb ass in the US that stole a big-wheeler full of boxed cherries, drove it straight to his house, proceeded to post "Cherries for Sale" signs, and sell them straight from his backyard by the box. Then the idiot offered to sell "the whole truckload" for a mere $28,000.00!!!!!!!!!!

Police apprehended the fool by following the "Cherries for Sale" signs to his house where he was still in process of selling cherries from the back of the truck.

Question: What the hell would ANYONE do with a whole truckload of cherries???
I've often considered the whole human guinea pig thing with regards to my fertility problems. I mean, maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

Then I thought that those weasels that run the labs would do lots of poking and prodding and some particulary nasty tests as well. Nah. Don't sound too good. I'd rather end up flat broke, again,I think.With my luck they'd do some real freaky shit to me and I'd end up pregnant with some half-mutant like in X-Men or something. (Wouldn't necessarily mind being impregnated the old fashioned way by Hugh Jackman though! Woof Woof! He's charming, good looking, TALL, has a MIGHTY fine ass, AND can sing Show Tunes in a beautiful baritone... and he isn't gay even though he can and likes sing show tunes) Again.....woof woof. I mean,have you all seen the trailers for the film Van Helsing?????

Now before you all go feeling sorry for Z with all my panting over Hugh Jackman, please take this into consideration first. I have to put up with his pants and slack-jawed dazed drooling and "she's gorgeous/amazing/hot/sexy, etc" over the following: Rebecca Romajn-Stamos, Pam Anderson, Nicloe Kidman,Catherine Zeta-Jones, Kate Blanchette, Madonna,Giselle Bunchden (Model) Uma Thurman, Charlize Theron, Angeline Jolie.... shall I continue or is this enough for you?

Therefore, I must also add to my list of males I would happily roll in bed with (or where ever else we wound up. Well! I'm a creative and imaginative woman!) Ahem.....

Sean Connerey, Mel Gibson (becasue he could make me laugh AND scream!), Aidan Quinn, Pierce Brosnan, Tom Selleck (ditto for Mel's comment),Ewan MacGregor (he's a naughty laddie) Jude Law (he's sooo intense & sensual),a slightly younger Simon le Bon (Duran Duran), Simon's younger brother Jonathan (cause I met him and we had this "connection", but nothing came of it ever,dammit. He sings better than Simon and is..... H.O.T. TRUST ME.sigh.) Definetly Hugh Jackman (Ditto on the Mel comment, AND we could sing Show Tunes)

Ah.... I'd better stop, my mind is on overdrive and I don't want y'all to think I'm slutty or anything. It isn't as if I said "all of them at once" or any such nonsense. I did notice that I seem to have this thing for Tall men with dark hair and light blue or green eyes. Hmmmmm. Goodness gracious. The only one without an accent is Tom Selleck! At least I'm fairly consistent!!!

Please feel free to add your celebrity fantasies!*wink wink* And MINDY, I KNOW we'd have to take turns with Sean, but I love you, so I don't mind sharing!!!!

Wow, I started out talking about freaky infertility test trials and ended up delving into my fantasies. Actually, I'm happily numb after this, so I suppose it was a good thing!


Are you feeling lucky?

Well yes actually, I am. But it's a little bit frightening. Fine, so I LIED! It's a LOT frightening. Things are going along quite well. So well in fact, that I'm waiting with baited breath....... for the shit to hit the fan cause to be honest, this is NOT NORMAL.

I'm feeling quite positive about the next round of IVF next month. That will probably wear off, oh, I'd say in about 2 weeks or so. (maybe sooner, I'm getting freak out pangs already) My job is going well.I mean, so far, so good. *knocks...POUNDS on wood*. Ditto for Z's new job.*more wood knocking*. Evil MIL keeping her yap shut for the past 2 days (which TERRIFIES Me, cause that is SO not normal. She must be up to something. I'm not paranoid, I'm realistic! There IS a difference.) Actually looks like I've lost some weight. Daughter being nice to mama (me) (ie: no pre-teen psycho hormone surges) for days now. Very odd. As a matter of fact, I don't remember a time in my life that so many things were going well for me at once. See why I'M SCARED??? THIS IS NOT NORMAL.

I thought it was just me, so I kept my terror to myself. But then,what really scared me was that the other day, Z said the same thing. Well great, just when I was doing a good job at ignoring my mild fits of terror. Thanks honey. No, really. THANK YOU.

No, the IVF has to work this time. Cause otherwise....... I might throw a complete hissyfit, and that just wouldn't be pretty.

Jeez, I hope I make it home in one piece.


It's probably in my DNA

Yup, I've come to this conclusion that this twisted apeshit sense of humor HAS to be genetic. Well, I mean, it's not as if I wasn't sure before or anything, cause both sides of my family are pretty much a blast, but still. I think my first hint should have been when I was an infant. My Dad used to sit in his recliner after work,let me lay on his chest on my back, and allow me to wiggle my toes in his handlebar moustache.This I did until I got too big, but at least till I was about 2 1/2, as far as I can remember. 2nd hint should have been Dad and Brother Joey speaking to me with a Donald Duck voice whenever the mood struck. Yup, that really should have done it. Dad is silly. Brother is silly. Mama is a crack up too! Actually, Mama does so many things (we are SOOOO ALIKE) I don't know where to begin. But she is a blast. Even now, she does hilarious things, like when she came to vist for Christmas 2002. She was copying Michael Jackson dancing and grabbing his crotch for Arianna making the "tee-heee heeeee, WHOOOOOO!!!" noise along with it. Arianna STILL thinks about it and collapses into hysterics. Between Mama and Dad, I don't know who is worse. I think maybe it's a tie. Everyone in my family is pretty funny. Well, I was worried about my Dad's sister, cause her sense of humor was, well, different if non-existant. I thought maybe it was sucked out of her over the last 30 years she's been an astro-physicist for NASA. I mean, why would you need a sense of humor to work at NASA? It's all *shudder* NUMBERS and stuff.*gag, retch*(can you tell I hate math?) I was worried actually cause my NANA,(her mom) God rest her soul, was the queen of funny, and such a smart ass too! (In my family, we call that intelligence,not sarcasam-get it??). Yup, I was concerned.

Well, at least until I got my email today. I just had to share this with y'all. I've been there, done that and some more. Now I know she's just as wacked as the rest of us. Check out my Aunt's genius. Oh, she is a cat-person too.(I love all animals excecpt reptiles and incects) I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes.

How to Give a Cat a Pill:
(1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

(2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in right arm (to avoid wound on left arm) and repeat process.

(3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

(4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in best arm, holding rear paws tightly with hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

(5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

(6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill, put down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

(7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

(8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow through straw.

(9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

(10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

(11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

(12) Call fire department to retrieve the fucking cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

(13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

(14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

(15) Call local pet shop to see if they have any guinea pigs.

How to Give a Dog a Pill:
(1) Wrap it in bacon. Drop on the floor

It would be even funnier if it all wasn't so true.