Um, a clarification

I realize thanks to a good friend, that my "Date with a Wand Monkey" post could have a double meaning. Apparently the first paragraph was all full of double-entendre's, so please allow me to clarify, hmmmm?


A wand monkey is a (derogatory) nickname for the person that gives you an ultrasound. Particularly the vaginal kind, but it also goes for rectal too. For the men out there, I've heard a rumor that there is also one they do by inserting one up the penis. Sounds like a blast, no? (Ok, I suppose not)But, hey! Turnabout is fair play, although it DOES sound painful.

Anyhow, I hope this clears up the fact that I had a date with an ULTRASOUND MACHINE and NOT a vibrator.

Any questions?


I'm a patient of Dr. Jeckyl and Mr.Hyde, it seems

Well damn me if I didn't come out of my wand monkey date all upside down? ( and SO not in a good way!)

First off. I ended up NOT having an ultrasound. He changed his mind and didn't want to do one. Fine. No dildo cam for me this time. Okeedokee.

Apparently my hormones are good enough (well, for me) to go ahead with this cycle. Good. Good.

My Prolactin is damn high, but that can be taken care of with 2 pills. No prob.

Generally speaking, it takes quite a lot to get me confused and discombobulated... im a pretty smart woman.... but HE managed to do it. Now get a load of this.

He changed his damn mind...... again. Remember I said he was going to give me Puregon this time around? Nuh-uh. Changed his DAMN MIND.... AGAIN. Then I made the mistake of asking "Why is that?" Mistake. He got all huffy. THEN he started doing math calculations (big damn mistake on HIS part-he KNOWS I HATE THIS- cause math IS GUARANTEED to make me zone out and get confused...Guaranteed!- he might as well have started speaking Sanscrit or Armaic like in the Passion of Christ) At least the movie had subtitles when you are lost and confused.Sigh. I threw HIS OWN DAMN ARGUEMENT FOR THE PUREGON BACK AT HIM WORD-FOR-WORD. He said "not necessarily".(bastard)*Cyn sitting with gaping mouth starting at him in complete shock, sputtering* "But, but.... but... you said..... and then you said... but.... huh????" and THEN he ROLLED HIS EYES.(sonofabitch)His last word on the meds..... cumon.... GUESS! He said.........

"Fine. Use whatever medicine you want.. they are both rFSH... just make up your mind and let me know so I can write the prescription." (Well F-you too!)

Wait, it gets better (if you can imagine that!)THEN he ASKED me... (with my 3 previous charts in front of him)

Doc: "What Down reg protocol have you done?"
ME: (WTF?????)"1st cycle w/ Puregon... None. 2nd cycle..gonal F,,, short protocol from day 1 of cycle till HCG trigger, 3rd time (last time) Gonal F, Long protocol starting 15 days before Af show up to HCG triger on cycle day 20."
Doc: "So, what do you want to do this time? Long protcol again?"
ME: "It's up to me??Isn't it a little LATE in my cycle for that now?" (dufus)
Doc: "Oh yeah, it is, huh?"
Me: silent
Doc: "Well......."
ME: "You said there was an injection that I only need IF my LH starts moving in the wrong direction.....
Doc: "Oh no, I can do this one.... yeah, that will be good... hmmmmmmmm"
DOC: "Oh, its an injection from day 8 or so every day in addition to the stim."
ME: (tired and dizzy) "OK, fine. Thats good."(never mind that each one is an additional 80 bucks- whatever.)

He wore me out. I tell you. Makes me wonder what he will do when the cycle actually starts!


Date With A Wand Monkey

Yup. You read right! I've got a date today with a wand monkey at 4:30. He has new equipment, so at least there will be something interesting for me to investigate this visit.

I started off my morning at 7am - fuuuuuck(!)- getting a blood draw. Well hello Mary Fucking Sunshine. NOT! That woke me the hell up, but fast. looks like I'm going to have a beautiful bruise the size of a big ole plum on the inside of my right elbow. Well shit.shit. shit!

3 pills of Progluyton to go... (yes, I miss counted the other night.)Countdown is about to begin for AF. I am extremely curious about my appt with the Wand Monkey today.

I'll keep y'all posted!
Miss Scarlett's Dumb-Ass of the Week Award

Hello y'all! It's that time again! Yup. I found another dumbshit for your viewing pleasure. Read on my friends, read on.........

From today's paper (GDN): A Dubai court has jailed for one year a 26-year old eeast Indian man caought breaking into a house wearing only shoes and a backpack. Police saw the naked man, identified only as A.T., scaling a wall of a villa in an exclusive area back in October 2003. He was found to be carrying several stolen digital cameras which he used "to shoot pictures of nude women in compromising positions", as well as jewellery, mobile phones and cash. The burgular was found guilty of theft and breaking and entering and wil be deported after serviing his sentence.

WTF?? What about indecent exposure? What a dumb ass. Breaking in to a house butt nekkid cept for a backpack and shoes? Damn. He got beat with the stoopid stick one too many times, now didn't he?
"A Little Smut Never Hurt Anybody"

Got an email with pictures from my Mom this morning. (I'll add a pic on here as soon as I figure out HOW TO!)

She's so cute. Really adorable. She's gorgeous too! Men just stop and stare at her, even with her pushing 60(I am SO dead for saying that). I'm not just saying that. She really is. She has taken good care of herself and looks much younger than she is, would look even more so if she didn't have such dammed health problems.

Z says she looks like a slightly older Sharon Stone (how Sharon looks now), and there is something about her that does, although I can't put my finger on it exactly. She has such a big heart, my Mama. Solid 24k!I'm not just saying that either. She does. Z's family that HATE ME, LOVE My Mama. So there(even when she called them all assholes to their faces for mistreating her baby-that would be ME!!)! I don't think I look much of anytthing like her. I look like my Dad's mother... my Nana.... right down to the bosom... exactly. Only difference is that I have bright clear green eyes and hers were swimming pool blue and her temper, from what I've heard, was worse than mine. Oh yeah, gotta love that Irish temper!

Anyway, Mama mentioned that she will send a care package for Arianna full of Summer goodies and clothes, etc.. and included are some of the novels I ordered and had sent to her address. Ok, they are historical romance novels for my Calgon moments when I just need to be mentally somewhere else for a while. Get off my ass. They make me happy.

Now. Ahem.

I love my Nana. Still do even though she passed away 9 years ago. She was my Dad's mother... (and didn't take no-ones shit, especially not HIS!), me not having ever known my maternal grandparents who passed way before I was born.

Anyway, Mama, who was always real close with Nana and said she was the best.. ABSOLUTE BEST mother in law ANYONE could EVER HAVE, mentioned that my Nana always used to read romances too...voraciously (aw... I LOVE my Nana. Miss her something fierce) Nana always used to say, apparently, "a little smut never did anyone any harm". Also when she would go to the movies with her friends and they would be having hissyfits about the sex and language she would say "Shut the hell up!! I can't hear anything!! A little smut isnt going to kill you!" Isn't that just the cutest? I can TOTALLY picture her face when she said it too. Quite expressive she was.

I just get a warm fuzzy feeling when I get little insights into my family like this. Especially things about my immediate family, since I can make sense out of things about myself.

Think I'll go and read a book. This one's for you Nana!


Dazed and Confused

Last night I was staring at my little blisterpac of Progluyton. (For those of you that don't know what that is, it's a little pill I have to take every day to keep my cycle regular. Kind of like a birth control pill, but NOT!)I've got 5 more pills left,including today's, then followed by 6-7 days of waiting for AF to show up. That's when the "fun" begins.

Heh. Heh. Uh-huh.

I am not as psychotically obsessed with this IVF cycle as with the previous three. At least so far I'm not.There is still a good week to go. I mean, next week should be a blast with my PMS well and truly kicking in, no?

But for right now... I am, well, kind of numb about it all. It strikes me as damn odd, but, I can't seem to get worked up about it. I'm numb in a way like when you are at the Dentist (one of my most hated places to be BTW) and they give you the blocking shots to have a really nasty cavity filled. You get numb, and can't feel much of anything, but are still distantly aware of the pressure of the drill,, well that and the horrid sound of it and the smell of the tooth being dug out.*gag,heave* Anyhoo, that's kind of how I feel.

Maybe I'm just, sub-conciously afraid to get all "into it" again. That as long as I don't get my hopes up, I won't get my heart broken as badly if/when it doesn't work. Maybe I'm hoping that I won't have to get so depressed when my daughter looks at me, all almost 10 years old, and says so sad looking "Mama, why can't you bring me a brother or...SISTER? I really want a sister. A little sister is what I really want!", looking at me because, for another month,yet again, I've let her down.

This really gets to me more than you can imagine. I remember feeling exactly the same way. Saying the exact same thing to my Mom. Almost daily, like a routine. My poor Mama. More than anything I wanted a little sister.Innocently I would harass her again and again, not knowing that my Dad forced her to have 2 abortions saying "I don't want any more kids!! I have 4 already!" (3 from his first wife, who are all 17 +yrs older than me and I barely knew them...their Mom was being nasty...so I only knew the middle one, Joey, cause he lived with us when I was a baby/toddler..he was more trouble than his mother could handle, so my mom took him on so he could be under the firm, hard-ass hand of Dad.)No matter that my Mom told him "but I just have one." No. It had to be Dad's way and no one could have it any other way than his. It wasn't that they couldn't afford another child. My parents were pretty well off. Not so-filthy-you-fart-money-rich, but a helluva lot more than comfortable. Dad just didn't want any more. My Mom has regretted this her whole life. I see how my mom suffers with me, her only child, all the way over on the other side of the world, along with her only grandchild. I still wish that I had a little sister, or brother somewhere on the planet, but I don't. I don't want to think of Arianna feeling like I have my whole life, so I suppose this IVF is as much for her as it is for me. I know I'm blessed to have her. But I am a stubborn little shit, and when I put my moind to something, I don't give up until it is 100% mine or 100% beyond hope of ever achieving.

Don't get me wrong, I'm trying to be positive and psych myself out for this upcoming attempt.... but, that fear is lurking. What is even more worrying.... maybe it's becoming some weird type of NORMAL to me.

Now THAT is some freaky shit right there, isn't it?

Hopefully I'll be better tomorrow.


Why Me?

I've been better, definetly.

Hello all. Sorry I've been a bit quiet (well for me anyway!) lately. I've been sick as a dawg with what I'm pretty sure is the worst sinus infection I have EVER had in my life. Couldn't take it anymore and went to the ENT on Thursday, he said "WHOA! Thats some serious infection!BED REST and take all these meds!!" He didn't have much arguement from me, I tell you. As it was, I barely dragged myself to go see him. I figured my head was going to explode.

Then I thought: Hmmm, better get myself straightend out, cause AF should show up in about 11 days and then three days after that, I begin stims for IVF#4. And if I have an infection, Doc might just tell me to piss off till I'm better... and that would mean I have to wait another month. Sounds like fun, no? (not)

Just one small, teensy weensy probelm.........

I got a thrush infection of my throat/mouth from the stupid fucking antibiotics!!!! I knew this would happen, and I told him too. It isn't pretty and is awfully painful. True, it could have been worse....ie: (for the slow) it could have manifested someplace more SOUTH if you get my drift? So all in all, I guess I'm a lot better off than I could be, right?

As is, I'm wondering what my IVF Doc will say when he does an ultrasound for me either tomorrow or the next day. Ok, fine. I'm terrified. I've been in horrible pain (left ovary area, thank you for asking) off and on and I"m hoping that it is a cyst dissolving. I hope. I was in such pain at 4am yesterday hiding in the bathroom, that Z must have heard my whimpers of pain cause I saw a blur at the door (I tried to be quiet, I really did) looked at him through slitted eyes and saw the look of PURE TERROR on his face.

Then I watched him turn and run...... in the opposite directon. Chickenshit. I was in so much pain, I couldn't even bother to eek out a small curse, even silently. You know I'm bad if I can't toss out a curse. Maybe my half asleep brain was too busy cursing and ranting at my ovary to "calm the fuck down and cut that shit out" to function in any other way. That could be it.

Shit if I know.