The Inquisition Confession - Week 23 (or something)
It's that time of the week again. The time when I unleash the bits and pieces that make me, me at your request. Sometimes the questions are easy to answer, others? I have to reach back in my memory and dig out, and occasionally it takes a lot of nerve for me to post the answer at all. God help you all, it's a long one this week.

But I always do. So. To this week's questions:

Catrina asked me :

Have you ever bought something from the Home Shopping Network on television?

Nope honey, I sure haven't. Not that I haven't been tempted and come damn close several times.
I had a funny feeling someone might ask me what Wenchie did this week:

How did you and your husband meet?

We met on the way to a gay club.

I bet THAT got your attention, now didn't it?

Actually, in LA? At least back then, I'd found, the best music, least hassle, and most fun is in the gay clubs. You can let your hair down and have a good time dancing without worrying about feeling like you're in a meat market. (Back me up here, Cat! HELP!) Well, in my case, except for the odd lesbian that grabbed my ass once or twice, but that's neither here nor there.

Soooooo, anyway, I was very good friends in college with Z's younger brother for at least 8 months and I had heard a lot about this older brother, but had never met him, (who happened to be gay) and a bunch of friends were going out dancing that night, and I was invited to come along. At the time I was taking more than a full load of classes day and night, AND working full time as well and had just dragged my tired ass in from a night class. They kept insisting I come along, and I said "I'm really not in the mood to drive all that way" and they said oh, don't worry! C's brother is gonna drive us! So, I said "I finally get to meet the elusive "Z", huh? Well, ok, I'll come." I got ready and eventually they showed up.

He was driving his jeep, I hopped in the backseat with my pal Bonnie after a brief introduction to Z and off we all went, music blaring to go meet our friends at the club. Sitting behind Z, every now and then I caught him looking at me in the rearview mirror (which he still denies vehemently to this day!), but I didn't think much of it. So…….

It was really fun. A big group of us dancing, then later we all went to a huge booth and started talking. Z and I started talking, and we kind of 'clicked', even though he was going on and on about the breakup of his relationship and about the girl he had been seeing (he denies this too- SO delusional, poor schmuck). I distinctly remember thinking to myself, "What the hell am I? Dr. Ruth? Every single guy friend I've been talking to lately has been talking to me about his relationship problems!?UGH." On and on he went about the breakup of the relationship…yadda yadda yadda….but still and all, we got along really well. Like I said, we 'clicked'.

The next day in class, C told me "you know? I've NEVER seen my brother click like that with anyone before! I think he really likes you." After that, Z and I went from friendship to dating at light speed. There wasn't one day that we didn't see each other. It's all kind of a blur, honestly. I kept on dating him even after I found out he dragged me to his ex's work to show me off to make her jealous-which she WAS. (AFTER I ripped him a new orifice or two for using me like that). I can't even define when things changed between us from friend to more than that, but I know it was more than a month till he kissed me. (I remember thinking he must not like me that way-other than as a friend- since he hadn't made a move of any kind up to that point.). One night he told me how much he liked me and I said "you're kidding? I thought you didn't like me in that way!" and he said "Why on Earth would you think that?" I said "You haven't even tried to give me even the smallest kiss!". He told me he had decided to take it slow. Well, up until that point, anyway. Next thing I knew, I was being kissed out of my mind! Heh. So much for taking it slow. He went from not kissing me at all, to taking any opportunity to do so. More often than not, I would find myself backed against a wall being kissed senseless when no one was around.(which wasn't all that often at his house, people were always over and monster and brother living there too!) He loved those sneaky, blow-your-mind kisses. Ok, ok. So did I. I am still fond of them, whenever I get one. My favorite memory? We went down to the garage to go somewhere (it was a condo), I don't remember where, he looked at me, then in my eyes, and next thing I knew, he had me seated up on the jeep bonnet, standing between my knees, hands in my hair, and his mouth plastered to mine. When HE was done, he helped me down, and got me seated in the jeep somehow. Talk about blow-your-mind! Whooh.

Even after I found myself developing feelings for him, I recall devoutly praying he wouldn't turn out to be a jerk in the end like so many others. He tended to do sweet things that really appealed to me. He would come visit me at work, just because he missed me, with a rose in hand. Once he surprised me with a bottle of perfume 'because it smelled like you, to me". Ahhhh, those were the days.

I had promised myself I would NEVER be the first one to say the words "I love you" ever again. The death-knell with most men, those 3 little words. Then one night he dropped me off at Bonnie's to get my car, and as I hopped out of the passenger seat, those very words exploded from his mouth: "Good night! I love you.". I froze, then slowly turned around to look at him, not sure I'd heard correctly. He looked horrified like he wanted to bang his head against the steering wheel or something in disbelief.

One thing that made me look at him as more than a friend was something he told me late one night when we were talking. (That was one thing I liked. We could talk about anything back then.) He told me about his eldest sister and her husband and how much he HATED him for fucking around on his wife (Z's sis). I said "Are you sure?" He said "from a very young age, I saw him with his hand up my other sister's SIL's (got that?) skirt working her with a fervor. I was about all of 9 years old. He tried to blackmail me with money and candy to keep my mouth shut. Even then I wouldn't have told her. Later as I got older, when I moved here to the States, he got me jobs where he worked under the condition I not say we're family. So, my co-workers not knowing that this dork is my brother-in-law, were talking about him screwing this co worker and that, Male and female. Anything he could get INTO he would do. I hate him for screwing around on my sister. The whole family does. But we can never tell my sister, because it would kill her. And she's in denial about him besides." I looked at him in a totally different light from that moment on. I'd been cheated on in the past, and, emotional baggage and all, was really afraid of getting hurt again. I figured that someone that was that incensed over infidelity would probably never cheat on me. (His ex had cheated on him too, btw, and that's why he broke up with her.) I thought, I could marry a person like this.

We met March 21. He asked me to marry him June 21. We were engaged for about a year and a half. So, basically, it's all my BIL C's (Shayda's) doing, my marriage, when you get right down to it. He was even our best man.

What's funny is that most everyone that knew us, all the people he worked with too, we're all betting it wouldn't last more than 1 year. (The ex and her friends gave us 6 months, actually.) That I would get fed up with his shit-cause, well, he CAN be a real bastard when he wants to and likes to mind fuck with people and push every last button (although at the time, he really didn't do that with me)- and we'd divorce. C still talks to z's ex every now and then, and her ass is still burning. She STILL asks "are they STILL married?" all snide like. Even with his mother's daily OUT LOUD chanting prayers that he divorce me (even telling Ari this) and doing her best to make it happen I was determined to show them all…….

And here I sit over 14 years later, somewhat worse for wear, tortured by a truly evil woman, emotionally worn out more often than not, but still here. But, I've worked my ass off in this marriage to make it last as long as it has, to make it work. No one can ever say I didn't, cause they would be lying through their teeth Damn me, but I'm a stubborn, determined, obstinate wench. Stubborn, stupid, whichever way you want to look at it, I suppose.

It'll probably be my undoing eventually, you know?

Next question. Last question.

Ah, Cheryl b.; I love her. I really do. Sometimes she's so predictable. (Once upon a time she worked in a s*x shop, you understand?) SO that is why I say she is 'predictable', so to speak. Don't believe me? Check out what she asked me *snicker* :

Do you own a vibrator? If so, what kind?

I could have sworn I had this conversation on IM with someone, and I mistakenly thought in my muddy memory it was Cheryl, but now, on further consideration, I remember it was …. Carrie Jo.

No Cheryl honey, *sobs* I don't own one. *whimper, sob, sniffle* They don't sell them here where I live and customs goes through the packages IN FRONT OF YOU at the post office. *waaaaaaaaaaaah* Can you just imagine if they whipped one of those out of a box at the PO? Sweet Lord.

*Stomps feet like 2-year old* (hee heee) I don't. I don't. I don't.have.one… more's the pity. Unlike SOMEONE I know that received FOUR for Christmas last year. Look babe, you have got to get ME in good - or put in the good word for me at least woman! - with Santa for this year! Hook me up, yo!

But hey, I'm not against a 'care' package!

Well, thanks one and all for the questions this week. Sorry I didn't get my replies up sooner. Work was a tad bit hectic this week. I'll do better next week, I promise.


Entertainment and Stuff....

Lets see now, I've been requested -very politely, I might add-to post something entertaining. Let me think.....

*blank stare....crickets chirping*

Entertaining.... could that be the instantaneous onset of a migrane right after a big-ass sneeze about an hour ago? No. I don't think that's particulary entertaining.

How about Miss Scarlett, my hussy cat having kittens today? (for the record 1 solid black boy who has already been named Merlin and a black&white... girl, I think) That's mildly entertaining. Also the fascination all the other cats have with the whole birthing box thing. They are all taking turns hanging over the side and looking in, then looking at me like "What the hell?".

Still, only mildly enteratining.

What was a wee bit entertaining was the wedding reception party I attended last night. It was a bit entertaining and a wee bit sad when this older woman (early 50's) tripped on the hem of her evening gown and fell down-backwards!- in the middle of the dance floor directly in front of where I was sitting. 3 people tried to help her up but she almost took them down with her in the process. Did I mention that it was all on video? Good lord, better her than me!

Now that was actually a bit amusing.

What I find highly amusing is that when I was driving home at about 2:15am, my Mama called my mobile phone and we had a lovely chat for well over an hour. I got home about 2:35 and, since the reception is horrid in my house AND Monster likes to try and eavesdrop even though she knows next-to-nil English, so I sat in the car talking in peace, quiet, and relative privacy. What's amusing about that?

Monster spying on me from the windows, is what! And then? When I thought Mama was winding down and gonna hang up, I got out and started towards the front door from the garage with the strong wind whipping my floor length Carribbean blue organza gown and my almost waist length hair around me, still chatting. I stood at the little wrought iron gate with its arch of fuschia bourganvilia that opens onto the walkway to my front door, enoying the night, enjoying just hearing my Mom's voice when I see it, a movement at the window.

Monster's window. Once........ Twice.............. and again 10 minutes later, thrice.

Nosy old bat. I knew what she was going to do. Silly old nosy bitch.

and boy did she.

She snitched to Z this morning. Gave her typical report.. with her own evil, insuinating slant to things. Can you guess?

"Yeah, Z, "C"came home at 2:35 and then she sat in the car talking on the phone until3:00, then she got out and stood at the gate talking on the phone until about 3:15-3:20. What was she doing? Who do you think she was talking to? Hmmmm????"

This much I know she said. I don't know what else she said, because Z said to me "So, did Mom call you last night? And I said "Yeah. She said hi and sent you her love. She mailed a big summer care package of stuff for Arianna." He said "oH, what time?"

My reply? "The same time your mom told you, I'm sure, give or take 10-15 minutes." Stupid, y'all, I'm not.

I said "And the reason I stayed outside was so that I could talk to my Mother in privacy and peace without some nosey thing trying to eavesdrop and figure out what I was saying and who I was talking to." To which I recieved a simple nod.

Well darlin, that's about as entertaining as I'm gonna get this post. What can I say? It's been a slow week. But anything could happen, you know? Next post will be.......answers to the inquisition, and SOON!


A Good One! Or Two.

What I love about these "reality" talk shows like Jerry Springer, for instance, are the comments from the audience.

I just HAD to share this one with you all because, well, it still has me chuckling.

Comment made to a transvestite (and an U.G.L.Y. one too, not one of those gorgeous ones!) by a really pretty female audience member:

"Honey, I know you got hit with an ugly stick, but DAYUM, did you have to hit every single branch on the way down the tree?"

bwahahahahahahaha. That IS good. I've never heard that before.

And a comment said to me today on the phone by someone (a male) trying to spell a company name to me...

Him: "P-T-D. P for Paul. T for Tree. D for... Degenerate."

Me: ------------blank look------"uhh"---------


Him: "Yeah. Degenerate. WHAT?"

Me: "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhaaaa NO YOU DIDN"T! HAHAHAHAH DEGENERATE!??!!"
" Oh my God. Off the top of your head? "

Him: *laughing with me*"Well, what would you suggest Cyn?"

Me: "Oh I don't know, how about..... D for DOG?"

Him: "Well, I guess there is that."

Then both of us proceeded to laugh our buts off for a while longer until I eventually subsided into little giggles. Yeah. Giggles. Good thing I know him pretty well, huh? Extremely professional of me, isn't it?

As if I could control myself? As is, today, not much later, I heard one of the Sr. bosses say loudly to a manager in his office "well, your 5 minutes you asked for is up. Thanks!" to which he got up and walked out of his office leaving them sitting there.

This sent me in to fresh guffaws doubled over on my desk trying to muffle the almost shrieks escaping me.

At least my bosses like it when they make me laugh. This added to the fact that I picked up a pepsi from a fast food rest that was sitting on my desk, and the second I got the straw near me for a sip, the whole damn thing overflowed like a volcano... on my blouse, on my lap DOWN MY BLOUSE. It was like a puddle in my cleavage of Pepsi. Thank heavens my blouse was shades of brown and beige today. Poor H, my assistant, she was sitting in front of me and went into hysterics. I can't say I blame her. She told me "You should have seen your FACE!".... really, my week wanted only something like this.

Now then.

Any one have questions?

Carrie Jo? Ollie? ANYONE? Helloooooooooooooooo? Whasamatter? Yer fingers broken? Careful now, I've got a Pirate Wench friend now who'll make ya walk the plank!

I'm waitin. *twirls a lock of hair between fingers*
The Brain Fart

That phrase, my friends, is the best thing to ever come out of Britney Spears' mouth. (Notice I said come out of, not go in? Heh heeeeee, I'm bad)

Anyhoo, it's the best thing Britney did because I had one, obviously,which Wenchie so adorably reminded me of. It seems I forgot - GASP!!!- to ask y'all to hit me with your Inquisition questions this week. My bad. (Why am I tempted to do a Dobby-like punishment of myself?) (for those of you with a blank look on your face, Dobby, the house elf from Harry Potter? Bashes the shit out of himself when he does something wrong with the nearest wall, or piece of furniture? Sigh. Go watch a H.P. movie, willya?)

So. QUESTIONS. BRING. THEM. ON.EVERYONE. I'm ready. (I think) Yes Wenchie, this means YOU!


Now WHY Did I Do That?

I'm sure many of you have had people joke with you about putting your mobile phone on 'vibrate' and sticking it in your pocket, right? haha. Something along the lines of "the phone company will be running a test during which your cell phone will be vibrating for 10 minutes, sit on it and enjoy." or something like that. Yeah. Lord knows I have had it said to me and SMS'd it in return. I mean, it's a joke. Who the hell would actually do such a thing, right? Do you know anyone that would do such a thing? No?

Well now you do.

But I did not, I repeat DID NOT do it on purpose!!

I was at work and as a rule, I switch my mobile phone to silent. Now, whatever mode my phone may be in, it's always on "vibrate" as well, just so that I can notice it jumping around when it rings. Problem is that on this day I forgot to switch it to "silent" so it was on the usual MAX ringing volume 5 when I was talking to my assistant in my office. It started ringing loud and as there were lots of people around, including bosses, and I didn't want to get nailed for the phone ringing, I snatched up the phone with every intention of muffling the sound as best and as quickly as I could.

So I sat on it.

And then promptly jumped about a foot in my chair ("WOoooOH!") because I remembered about the whole vibration alert thing a little late. Like when it was under my buttcheek. My assistant was chuckling her head off (who could blame her, really?) and in the end I was laughing too. But hey! At least the sound was muffled and the phone didn't ring very long.

You know something? Those phones have quite a lot of kick in them!

I pray ONE of you at least can tell me they've done something almost as dumb as this. I feel like such an....ass. And a vibrating one at that!


A Good Friend

Do you know what the sign of a really good friend is?

When you are feeling absolutely rotten, sad and down, moping and brooding all over the place and feeling a million miles away from the people that know and love you best. (Homesick x 100)

The phone rings, and it is your friend that lives in a completely different country on the other end of the line whose dear voice you haven't heard in ages calling for no specific reason other than to tell you how much they miss you and love you and when-oh-WHEN are you going to get around to bringing your ass over for a visit? (I'm trying honey, really, I'll be there before, oh, the end of the decade? Haha!)

That phone call is just what I needed, right when I needed it most. Never mind the fact that I was choked up by the end of the call, even as I laughed my tail off. How absolutely contradictory of me. It's amazing how much we crammed into such a short phone call particulary considering the fact that we speak in our own weird abbreviated code and double-time. .

So thanks, Breezie Lee, for the phone call. It and YOU was just what the proverbial Doctor ordered. You're a true-blue buddy and I love you for it. I was still in my funk, but feelin the love, long-distance style!

* Note to self : Must learn some Italian before visiting Breezie in Italy... whenever that will be.