Cease Fire

Honestly, that is the most accurate way to describe it.

I had yet another talk with Arianna today. She was more... approachable. I explained to her, yet again, that I understand completely how she feels, that I felt the same way growing up.

I looked her straight in the eyes and explained that I am not a quitter, and that I'm not giving up, so for her not to give up also. That I will keep on trying until the day the doctors tell me that it is 100% impossible to try anymore because I want a baby as badly if not more so than she wants a little brother or sister. I told her that I need her support and faith. She understood that. Then I explained that I understand her frustration, that I too am frustrated, but that her lashing out at me and the snide comments doesn't help things any, and that it really hurts me. It doesn't accomplish anything and quite frankly, she knows that this kind of behaviour is and has always been unacceptable with me.

So, we have called a truce. Kissed and made up. She knows that she is my life... the very best thing I have done with my existance to date. But more importantly, she realizes that I have made my promise to her... given my word that I won't give up until there is no chance left for me. Arianna knows that I don't make promises lightly, that I don't lie once my word is given... so, it will just take her learning a bit of patience. And to my mind, that's all to the good for her.

To my dear friends from blogworld... your virtual hugs support and caring mean so very much to me. I just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart.


Hopefully I'll be able to repay you all with a funny post in the next few days to lighten all our moods.


Drawn and Quartered

Yes, I am apparently in the process of being disemboweled..... by my daughter. Or, maybe it's that I think that being disembowled would be infinetly less painful as opposed to what SHE is putting me through.

This infertility thing is REALLY beginnng to piss me off.

Picture me, getting ready to take her out for a day today... lunch.. Harry Potter Film.. a nice day, minding my own business... when she "attacked me" again. But this time.. well, this time was different.

Please don't ask me what the HELL brought this on, cause I haven't the foggiest idea. All I know is she comes and SHOUTS at me...furious... "I WANT A BABY BROTHER AND YOU WON"T GIVE ME ONE!!!" *Cyn reels from ambush* "Whaaaa??" So, since I'm obviously DEAF, she said it again... louder, more like a roar.

Once I regained my wits, I warned her in my deadliest tone to watch her tone of voice... as I wailed..."Im trying!!!" Conversation was as follows:

A: No! You obviously aren't trying hard enough!!!
C: "Yes, I am! You don't KNOW how hard Im trying!! "
A: "HAH!!! IF so then why aren't you having one yet??"
C: *sputtering*, "Um,I...don't.... know. I wish I knew"
A: (lethal tone) "Well, you obviously aren't trying hard enough, cause you still aren't gonna have a baby."
C: (trying to hold back tears)"I;m really trying hard. I don't know why it's not working.. I don't know why...."
A: "You just don't want another baby bad enough proabaly"
C: "Arianna! That is ENOUGH! I'm trying my hardest... no one could try harder than me! Why don't YOU pray to God, maybe he will listen to your prayers better."

Then I shut the bedroom door on her..devastated and feeling the tears start to overflow my eyes. She isn't asking me anything I haven't asked myself a thousand times over.

I don't know why it is bothering her more than usual... maybe because all her cousins are pregnant or having babies.. I know she is jealous of the fact that her cousin had THREE at ONCE. So I guess next to that, I must seem spectacularly incompitant. She is being extremely hostile towards me also lately. In public even. Yesterday in a bookstore, she verbally attacked me in a REALLY LOUD VOICE. The whole damn store got silent and all heads turned in my directon. Just my damn luck, an older American couple were standing next to me.. I was SO humilated... my hand itched to slap her, but I didn't... Instead I yanked her by the arm silently and drug her out of the store hissing at her "DON"T YOU DARE DISRESPECT ME LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN, DO YOU HEAR ME?". Z came out later and said, "everyone was commenting on it and staring.. and the American lady told her husband, "Oh SOMEONES GONNA GET IT NOW>". I just took her home. She acted up again in the Harry Potter movie today also. I suppose i've failed her.

But God how it hurts me. As if I don't feel like a big enough failure already. As if I don't constantly wonder why the first three times didn't work. As if Im really not wondering WHY THE HELL I didn't respond properly to the medicine on this last, 4th round?

I wish Arianna had the BALLS to say these things around her father. He so far refuses to talk much about anything with me about it. There are things we need to discuss .. to talk about for another cycle.. but.. nothing. It seems as though.. I don't know.. as if maybe he feels like it's not worth talking about, judging from the few comments he HAS made.

Since he isn't talking, communicating about trying again, since he hasn't even paid the clinic/hospital for the portion of the package we DID use before I got cancelled, how can I think about trying again?

So instead I plan on my private trip home in October.. which is the ONLY time he mentions another IVF, when I mention how excited I am to see my Mom and Dad and my friends. He says "Maybe you'll be pregant then and can't go". I said, "How? You don't seem to want to talk about another try." Then he becomes silent again.

Dammned if I do, and damned if I don't.


Arianna Strikes Again!

Me and my big mouth!

I read in the paper today that Jennifer Lopez is pregnant. Well hot damn, good for her. So, on the phone just now with Arianna, I mentioned it to her in passing, since she loves all things J.Lo. Stupid, stupid, STUPID Me. Sigh. Damn my girl has a quick intellect. (chip off the ole block!)heh. First thing out of her mouth was:

"WOW!!! That was fast.." and then, in a pitying voice "Some ladies are lucky that way, huh mom? They just - BAM!!- get pregnant in like, under 3 weeks. Lucky......" Me: "yeah, some ladies are very lucky that way."

Oh yeah, you just KNOW I feel about 3 inches tall right now, don't you? There was... PITY in her voice. For me. Pity... coming from an almost 10 year-old. There is no worse feeling than to be found somehow lacking by your own child. Not only have I been well and truly "dirked", but now, the knife twists.

Well, shit.


Love At First Sight

You can't take me ANYWHERE, apparently.

Nope, Not even to the grocery store. Barely 3 minutes after I walked in I noticed him watching me.. his big blue eyes fixated on me. I turned away and went down an aisle. When I look up again, there he is...staring at me. I look at him and continue on down the aisle.... a few minutes later.... he moves past me.. still staring at my face with those big huge clear sky blue eyes... He smiles a little at me. It is such an infectious smile.. I can't help but smile in return. I continue on with my shopping.

Finally, on the bread aisle, we meet head on. He just stares at me, smiling and flirting.... I melt.. he IS so gorgeous... just look at him! I can't control myself.. I just want to jump on him! Look at that smile! That beautiful head of hair. Kind of deep blond with a copper undertone.. and... oh god, my undoing... DIMPLES!!!!Those EYES. Sigh. Dimples get me every time. I give up, smile a big smile at him and say.... "Well hello handsome! You've been following me all over haven't you, flirting with me??" He smiles and laughs at me, reaching out a hand to me....

When his mom notices him half hanging out of his stroller to get at me, gurgling.

GOTCHA! Yes, my new love is a 7 month old (thereabouts)HUGE baby boy named Tom. I love Tom, and boy does he love me.

His mom was flabbergasted, actually. She said Tom doesn't really take to strangers. (This said as she is staring at him with her mouth gaping open in shock as he is still flirting with me..) She says to him "What Tom, you cheeky boy! Do you want to go home with this nice lady?" He looks at me, then starts reaching for me with both arms. His mom is still stunned... she goes on to tell me that he has been a total terror and completely grumpy all day cause he is so sick....but, now... here he sits flirting with me. Giggling and looking at me slyly from the corners of his eyes. His mom keeps threatening him "ok, how about I leave you with her and Mummy will finish her shopping, hmmm?" God bless my little Tom's heart.. he clapped his hands. I was TOTALLY willing. Sick little guy or not. Actually, the mom was nice, If I hadn't been sick myself, I would have grabbed him and hugged him. She said to him again.. "wanna go home with her?" he just kept smiling and gurgling at me.

I want a little boy JUST LIKE THAT! Sigh.

Unfortunately.... Arianna heard me telling her dad about my new boyfriend Tom... and she said in that pre-teen borderline smartass tone: "And what you would have wanted to bring him home??" I looked at her and said "OH YEAH! IN A HEARTBEAT!!!! I would love to have a little boy just like him." Then she got serious after pondering that and said quietly, in a sad little quiet voice as her dad left the room, something that was like a dagger to my heart....

"IF so Mom, then why, oh WHY don't you bring me a little brother or sister to love??? I want one SO BAD. WHY MOM??!!! I'm so alone...everyone has at least ONE brother or sister, and I have NONE."

Oh God. That hurts. So very deep in my soul.

My mind races for something to say in reply.. even as my heart aches.... I know how she feels..exactly. Didn't I always used to say this to my own Mama, almost daily it seems? So I told her that. I took my big girl in my arms,held her close like I used to when she was little and much easier to hold, and with tears in my eyes told her that I completely understand how she feels. That if it were up to me, she would have at least a brother and sister to boss around and love by now.. but that it isn't up to me. Not completely. "But I'm trying baby. I'm trying.I haven't given up." She wiped the tears from her own eyes and looked me full in the face with her beautiful hazel eyes and said "You haven't? You're gonna keep trying? The needle medicine?" I said, "Yes.. just like how I tried and tried for you all those years ago and I didn't give up till I got you. We'll still try honey. Pray to God, maybe he will hear your prayers better." She nodded and kissed me and, pulling her pre-teen dignity around her almost like a cloak, left me...

In a heap.
I've Got A Bone To Pick

Yes, I surely do y'all.

Warning: This is not for the faint of heart, ie: Some MEN. Don't say I didn't warn you.. cause I JUST DID.

See, now I just KNOW that somewhere at Bayer Pharmaceuticals some MAN is sitting and laughing his ass off...daily. Asshat. But one day, a woman far braver and more irritated than I will stomp into Bayer and scream, shotgun in hand..... "Where's the sonofabitch that crated the Canestan pessary????!!!!" Wanna know WHY? I'll tell you, oh yes, I surely will!

Lets start at what triggered today's hissyfit of mine, shall we?

Well, you all know about my damn illness that's dragging on for the past week +, right? Well.... what you DON'T know is that somehow.. cause Im SO GODDAMN talented... my lymph nodes (glands) in my neck got infected. ie: each one swelled up the size of a big fat PLUM and became hard as a rock. So attractive and pleasant. NOT!! (Actuallym It hurts like a MO-FO) And NO, don't ask me how the hell I managed that, cause even my ENT has no damn IDEA. (Although he was really impressed with me)Talent, I guess. Anyhooo..... he (Doc) ordered a particulary nasty antibiotic injeciton to kick start me, and followed by SOME BIG HORSE TABS OF AMOXCILLIN (or for those of you in the UK, Augmentin). To head off ANY chance of an infection-you know, just to be safe-, ahem, in my nether regions..... Doctor Feelgood (cause he ALSO gave me some killer pain pills!heh.)prescribed me a one time dose of CANESTAN.. to be applied..well, INSERTED.. well, YOU KNOW! In my hoo hah. which is produced by BAYER Pharmetiuticals. Great. Fucking great. I've used this ONCE before.. many years ago. I was pissed then. I'm amazed now to think that some woman hasn't written to bitch at them to do a design alteration by now. Ok, the thing - the medicine -is in a tablet form. You know.. a PILL. It's HARD. Like candy. but that I could handle, maybe. My problem is this.....

THE GODAMN THING HAS SHARP EDGES. Of course it's small compared to OTHER things that go in there.. but... IF one has the slightest infection.. well, did you know that you swell ? No? Well trust me, you do. and this sharp thingie to put in? well.. use your imagination. Oh.. and it has to be put in exactly right. Would you care to know WHY? Cause if you don't, it could flip. sideways. Now both times I've used this I've thought "No way in HELL a woman created this. NO."

So, I've decided to send a little love letter to the ASSHATS at BAYER and see if I can't help my fellow woman.

Anyone want to join me?


This Inquiring Mind Wants To Know.........

This idea has been rolling around for some time in my head now. I have stolen the basic idea from Ted at E! Online, but added my own little twisted slant to it. Therefore, my question is this:

If you were gay, what 5 celebrites of the opposite sex would you want to have sex with (in order)? And for the LAST time Genuine... this is for free, not for cash!

Just to be nice, I'll go first!

1. Angelina Jolie

2. Kate Blanchett (yes, from Elizabeth)

3. Michelle Pfeiffer

4. Vivica A. Fox

5. Britney Spears (she looks like a damn good kisser!!)

Please post your answers in the comments section.

Sorting Myself Out

Since I love Harry Potter as much as Arianna does... and in the sprirt of the release of "The Prisoner of Azkaban", i've decided to get myself sorted.....

Sorting Hat SAYS:

i'm in gryffindor!

be sorted @ nimbo.net

Congratulations on making Gryffindor!

Basically, you're brave, daring, chivalrous, and pretty much.. an all around good person. Of course, some see you as a goodie-two-shoes. But hey, it's true! You're really good at winning, and normally always come out as the hero. Everybody likes you.. except, maybe, the Slytherins. You're too perfect. No, really.. You're too perfect. It's annoying to watch you win, repeatedly. Oh well. Be proud anyway.

This is TOOO Good NOT to share!

Look, it is 1am... Z went to sleep.. but on the way to bed, he came by and handed me some notes he wanted "checked" and a disc.. he actually wanted the majority of it typed... for tomorrow morning. Not like I have to wake up at 5:30am for WORK or anything!??NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

So, cussing fluently in my head, I type the notes handwritten by his boss. Until I reach one sentence. Now get this:

Instead of writing "General Sales Agent" guess what dumbass wrote??? Hmmmm?

GENETAL SALES AGENT. Well shit. This set me off into a complete fit of laughter. Foot stomping, knee slappin, hand over the mouth don't wake the daughter laughter.

Shit, I can't breathe still. So, of course, because I love you all dearly.. I had to share this with you.

My dear Genuine suggested I leave it as is, and you know what? I'm half tempted to!


PS: I know that you spell it genital... but...phonetically speaking