You Reap What You Sow

Ya’ll know about my unwanted house guests, right? No, I don’t mean my monster in law, I mean the lizards!!

Well… if you will kindly remember that I mentioned that Z refused to kill the lizards that are coming in more and more every day? Yeah, he keeps saying “oh, they are scared of you. They won’t come near you. Blah blah blah.” *Cyn recieves extremely dirty looks*

Never mind that last night one almost jumped on my damn head when I was closing the curtains in the living room. Nooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! (it was hiding behind the curtain and I didn’t know it!) Ugh, creepy.

So, this afternoon when he comes home from work, he tells me a little story about what happened to him this morning while the Sleeping Princess (that’s me!) was fast asleep…OKI WAS UNCONSCIOUS! Finally, after finally having passed out from exhaustion at around 5am. I was WIDE AWAKE until 5. Curses.

Apparently, after shaving, he was washing residual foam off his face, with the water running, still half asleep. After wiping water out of his eyes, he sees something jump at him from the drain. He rubs his eyes again… looks, and sees…….


Then, said lizard JUMPS AT HIM! Mind you, his face is really low over the sink! He jumps back from the sink, and only because the sink bowl is wet, does the lizard slip and slide while trying to jump on him! He - Z - was freaking out.

Remember when I said, “Kill a lizard with one good THUMP from a broom or something?” and he told me off and said NO! (ok, and I got called a few names here and there too, along with a few dirty looks). Well, personally, what he did next, I think is much more cruel than my suggestion.

He turned the water on so it slid back down into the sink drain…..the HOT water…… for like 15 minutes. The SCALDING HOT WATER.

Why? Just cause it dared to try and jump on him when he was still sleepy? If I was that lizard, I’d rather get my head quickly bashed in , but that’s just me.
Remember what my Daddy said about sharks not attacking people at Fla beaches from my Daddy's Day post? And then later I was vindicated when proven right?
Ditto for today. When will people start LISTENING TO ME?
Sigh. This woman's work is NEVER, EVAH done.

And How Was YOUR Day???

Hiya darlings!

Have you ever sat with a family member and begun what seemed at first to be a completely boring conversation? Then the next thing you know….. you are frantically scrambling mentally to commit ALL of what you just heard to memory thinking… “I have GOT to blog this!”? Yes? Good. Then welcome to my world.

Now I realize that Z’s family’s antics are deserving of their own blog at the very least. As is, I realize now how completely STUPID I was when I lived in LA, working at the top day spa & salon that was frequented by celebrities and industry people every day. Why stupid, you ask? Besides the fact that I was realizing, right about the time Z said “oh honey, I got a job offer on the other side of the planet, lets move, shall we?” that I should get back into the entertainment field, even if it meant becoming somebody’s bitch… erm, I mean, some celebrities Personal Assistant (aka: Slave), cause I had just found out how very much they get paid, and the perks. Yeah, I could handle that! I mean, just based on my daily dealing with these exact type of people, and my being a “people person” with generally patience in excess, that I could actually be happy in this field. Hell, before I was 17 I one of my very very good friends was a VP at Capitol/EMI Records in LA. Dumb dumb me. I moved. I had shitloads of contacts and ideas in my head, and I moved. Never mind that. I was Stoopid (yes, with a capital S) because my catch phrase for my MIL, ie: Monster-in-law, became so very popular. Imagine my surprise when I found out by watching E! Online (which depresses me, cause I could do so much better on that show!) to hear that Jennifer Lopez (aka, “The ass”) has been slated to play the much aggrieved Daughter-in-law to Jane Fonda’s MONSTER IN LAW character. Yes my lovlies, the name of the film is Monster In Law. It took this movie to get Jane Fonda’s butt out of retirement. I shoulda trademarked or patented that damn catch phrase. Hence, my stupidity.

But I digress…… (as usual, I know. Shut UP already! This is MY blog, and it’s ALL ABOUT MOI! )

Anyhoo, back to our scheduled program! So, Sitting on the sofa with Z’s niece “P” this evening. (Small background, um Z’s sisters daughter, 1 ½ MONTHS younger than me, and 2nd in line to my throne of people that Monster hates with a passion. Yup, her OWN granddaughter. In case you are wondering who’s first? DUH!!! It’s ME! Where you been? Go read the archives for the love of God!) I innocently ask P “how’s work?”

I shouldn’t have ought to have done that. Nope. No sireeee Bob! I got waaaaaaaay more than I bargained for. Gather round my lovelies while I share the joy with you.

I expected one of two answers, to be honest. Either “Ok” or “crap, as usual”. Instead, I heard “It’s ok, except when I came into work this morning, I discovered my hamsters were missing.”

“Did I hear you correctly? You lost your hamsters? At work? ” P replied, “yes. Well, not lost, really. The broke out of their cage in the night.” With a sad, sad face. “But we eventually found them!”

WELL FUCK ME. Hamsters at work.

Maybe you are all thinking, so, maybe she works in a pet shop. You are ALL ON CRACK! She works for a Mobile Telecommunications company. A very well known one in all parts of the world, except maybe North America. I had to ask.. cause, well, I’m a nosey bitch, and that’s why you all LOVE ME SO! Sigh. Yeah, apparently she told a guy she was bored, Being the only woman in the office full of men, and was a little lonely and needed to perk up her work cubicle. The guy bought her hamsters. In a cage. With a wheel (a habitrail?) and, apparently a little hamster house also, which ties in to the story later. Trust me. She kept them at work. (Now I’m sure you all realize that by this point I’ve completely given up trying NOT to laugh and am laughing like hell right in her face) There are two. A boy and a girl. This ALSO ties into my story later. There will be a pop quiz at the end, so pay attention! YES! YOU IN THE BACK! I see you. Stop passing notes!

So. Apparently her hamsters that she had hidden so well that most of the people on her floor had no idea she even had there decided to take a stroll in the middle of the night and forgot the way back home. Smart little furry bastards. Anyway, P sounded the alarm to a few of the guys that knew about her little pets and rounded up Ricky and Lucy (yes, I’ve named them since P never did) and dropped them back in their cage. I said, “well, it’s a girl and a boy, so soon you should have a whole bunch of hamsters at work!” I thought her story over.

I should have known better, and quite frankly, so should you!

Just as my laughter was dying down and I began to catch my breath… she started on about her hamsters.

P: “Yeah, I sure will have a ton of baby hamsters. Know why? Ricky, my boy hamster, he has HUGE BALLS. I don’t know how he can even walk, much less how he broke out.”
Me:------- blank stare, gaping mouth, gasping for air.
P: “Yeah, they are as big as his head! It’s like he has two heads. And he has no shame! He lays in his little hamster house on his back….”
Me: --------- blank stare, still open mouthed,
P: “ On his back with everything inside the house except his bottom half, with his HUGE BALLS in everyone’s face that walks by. It’s so embarrassing. He lays like that all day.”
Me: *mutters* “maybe needs ventilation…”
P: “Well except for the few times I’ve caught him and Lucy in the 69 position! (And she makes the hand gesture to illustrate her point, as if I NEEDED ANY HELP!?????)
Me: -----??---- sputters out “69??? Huge? Hamster? Balls? OHMIGOD!” and there begins my asthma attack for the evening in the middle of my hysterical laughter. I’m feeling lightheaded from lack of oxygen, but I’m thinking to myself “MUST…. REMEMBER….THIS… FOR…MY…READERS….!!!” And she continues….

P: “And the guys in the office come by to talk at me, and I see they are distracted by his balls. They call other guys to come and look, then they sit and snicker behind their hands like that!”

Hey y’all…. Sorry to interrupt…. But, I bet you thought it couldn’t get any worse than this, didn’t ya? Guess what? YOU’RE SOOOOOOOO WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cause NOW she talks about the two guys inspecting Ricky’s privates and once they got over the size of his testicles…or maybe not… one of them, the one with an IQ of about 39 I think, says… “Oh look! I didn’t know hamsters had belly buttons! Would ya look at that!?”

Except it wasn’t Ricky’s belly button (and P, at this point, smacks her forehead in disgust and shakes her head)… I look at her in horror, knowing what is coming next, but hoping I’m wrong..

I wasn’t wrong.

Me: -----------
P: “ The stupid guy kept saying ‘Lookie that! HIS BELLYBUTTON!’ But it was cold I guess or something, and the little furry bastard was back on his back with his ass hanging out again and what stooped thought was his belly button was his penis. It had gone in and it kinda looked like an innie, sort of, except that it was right where a DICK SHOULD BE in relation to the testicles and all… and how did this guy not know this? He just kept saying “didn’t know hamsters had belly buttons” over and over again.”
Me: gasping…….sputtering…
P: “and no fuckin WAY I was gonna tell him “Oh, that’s his penis, ya know?”
Me: “um, Yeah, Uh-huh”.

Then, a flash of my genius, my utter brilliance floats to the top of my consciousness… (Modest little thing, ain’t I??)

Me: “Well, look on the bright side, at least he didn’t get aroused while the guys were there and start humping Lucy!”

*Cyn takes bow*

Now who would have EVAH thought I would have such a story to relate for your reading pleasure simply by asking “how’s work?”? I know I never did.

(By the way, there isn’t any Pop Quiz.)



Hey y'all.... came across this joke today and you know I just HAD to share it with you! Enjoy.

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:



For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied with a smile...……… "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

By Request & My OCD Confession

A couple of people requested a VS story.

I’m feeling generous. You’ll get a couple today. How’s that? I hope you like them.

My favorite customers when I was working at VS were the men. They would come in and look totally lost. Happy, but lost! You have to approach them much like you would a strange animal. Slowly and tentatively. The best is when we had to ask their wife/girlfriend/significant other’s size.

The poor thing would start looking around at the women in the shop, sizing up their backsides and breasts, and attempt to describe them. With hand gestures. Hahaha. “Oh, her breasts are like that woman there, and her hips are like the women two people over from the breasts…. And, she’s about your height…” etc…

Better than this? Um, once I got an obviously gay man coming in to buy a bunch of things for himself. He looked more like a she, if you get my drift. I get on quite well with most gay men, fortunately, which is good for me, cause I made a KILLER sale that day! (we didn’t get commission, but had sales targets!)

Another time, I got one man who was obviously very ,um, manly, and he wanted women’s underwear… for himself. (Aren’t I the lucky sales person?)

A friend of mine, Carol, who was probably the most outrageous person I have EVER known in my entire life, worked with me. We would make each other laugh by just looking at the expressions on the other’s face. When we were both scheduled in the bra room, during slow periods during the day, we would have to put out stock. Sometimes the bras would come without size tags on them, Carol would put a cup on her head, and say, OH LOOK! THIS ONE WILL FIT YOU!!!!!!!!! And then laugh like a madwoman, slapping her thigh.

Speaking of bras and organization and all these good things, brings me to another sort of related subject.

During a discussion with a very good friend today, discussing, of all things, my anally retentive organized underwear drawer, this friend said “OOOH, OCD meets Victoria’s Secret!”. It has been said by this friend that I might just have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder!) Could be. Could be.

Actually, upon further reflection, I realized this friend is right (as usual). Sigh.

~ For the men that are weak of heart (or are afraid of TMI) please stop reading here and cut down to the comments and leave one. (Although, knowing the men that read MY blog, I bet they will keep on reading, won't ya fellas?!)

Cheryl b. is fascinated with my whole bra situation, as witnessed in her comment on yesterdays post. I sent her an email answer as to where I buy my bras. As of late, since there is no VS here, and I’ve outgrown (hahahahaha) their sizing structure anyway, I buy at a British Department Store Chain called Marks & Spencer. There is one here, although, when I lived in the States, I would stock up like HELL each trip to the UK I would make. Z would say, you want to go shopping X, Y,Z place, and I would be like, I don’t care what we do in London, just let me stock up on my bras at Marks! (insert loud whimpering and whining by Husband here) They have really well made bras and merchandise in general. I occasionally mail order some bras also. But not so much anymore, now that Marks has opened here. All that said, I do have some really rather nice ones, seeing as I’m so picky when it comes down to it.

Lets see now, a really pretty half sheer/half satin blush pink embroidered one (bra), I liked it so much, I bought it in cream also... a pretty pale yellow one... it's all sheer net with flowers embroidered in the same baby yellow color thread, (are you figuring out that I love bras with embroidery and lace on them? Good on you!) I hate plain bras. I have a few, but, those are for when I have to wear them. I've a pretty lavender one too. Funny, I don't have a red one. (bright red clashes with my hair... I can wear either Cherry red or burgundy red) MY FAVORITE bra right now? White shimmery satin, bridal glaring white with a beautiful design along the top of the cup all the way across each , ahem, cup..... with a pretty little bow where the strap meets the cup... I LOVE THIS BRA! I have begged the store-in writing!!- to bring more in other colors, or preferably black. I love it in general. So comfortable and pretty. I had a beautiful black cotton bra, which sounds totally boring... but... it had vibrant purple flowers and bright red rosebuds- with stems- embroidered all over it. It finally died, that bra. I was sad. I have a bad habit of killing bras. Sad but true. I can't believe I just wrote that long ass para about my bras. Oh well.

Now about my OCD….

Old habits die hard.... have you ever looked in those drawers in the Victoria's Secret Bra room before? If you have, then you know what my undie drawer looks like. All folded a certain way, standing up,(curved part up),in order of color, dark to light. (Actually, come to think of it, my undies are like that too..... by color, cotton's all together, then cotton with lace edging, then straight lace , then "the special ones".
My heavens that makes me sound anal retentive, doesn't it? I'm just Organized is all. It makes my life easier this way.(Arianna's clothes and stuff is like this too. My friend “A” is the same. Exactly the same as I am. When I saw her drawers one day when she was gathering some clothes to change into... I cracked up and fell over on her bed laughing my ass off.)

Yeah,I guess it kinda IS OCD meets Good Housekeeping & Victoria's Secret, when it comes to me, innit? Now that I think about it, I'm pretty anal about clothes being hung up too.

There is a store I shop at, and I love seriously LOAVE their hangers like crazy, so I ask for extra hangers! They give me now without my asking. Pant hangers and shirt hangers. They are thin, sleek, charcoal grey and have rubber stuff on the edges of the shirt hangers so that they don't slip off! Well hell. Holy Shit. Um, my closet is similar. yup. Casual tops-together, all similar colors together, then work shirts/blouses similar colors together....slacks, by color.... suits together.... OMG! OK! OK! SO I worked a lot of years in retail, so sue me.

Upon continued reflection, kitchen drawers kept in order (ie: can opener, peeler, accessories, and related stuff... rubber spatulas (for baking) metal spatulas for icing cakes, etc.. together. All cooking utensils in one drawer- separately... blah blah blah blah and so on.
· serving platters all together, pyrex stuff together, baking pans , etc....
· canned goods... like products together....
· I don't like things scattered all over the kitchen counters either. (call me silly, I like to actually SEE them)
· linen closet.... yuup, u guessed it, all towels together, by color... ditto for sheet sets. All blankets together. (Not by color, for some stupid reason but by THICKNESS!)

I'm actually pretty particular about the house. I like things in their place, pretty much. Not TOO anal about that, just like it to look neat. Maybe it's just the Libra in me, but I like things to look pretty and nice and aesthetically pleasing. Because of my asthma (ok and the cats) I'm so anti-dust it's hilarious. But it's for health reasons. I wasn't this bad till I moved here. (I clean the A/C filters every 2 weeks and disinfect them now, 10 months out of the year)

DID I neglect to mention that Arianna is not like me in this respect at all, despite all my very best efforts? Lets hope she grows into it, shall we?

In fact, she can rip apart a room in under 5 minutes. When I saw the state of her dresser drawers and closet, ok, and room in general, I almost had a breakdown. We ended up with a knock down drag out, with, in the end, me, physically and emotionally exhausted, supervising her re-doing everything that I had done..... I didn't touch NOTHING 2nd time around. They aren't in “order”, but at least they don't look like a litter of puppies got at them and strew them around her room.

*shudder, twitch*

Maybe the only person other than my friend "A" that would understand is Mindy. (from what I read on her blog about her childrens toy organization)
Yes, I know there is a cure for OCD, but the question is, do I really want to cure it?


I'll Show You Mine.......Show Me Yours!!

I got to thinking... (frightening, I know) and was thinking about my first ever job.

I started working when I was 14 1/2 at a store that had an ice cream counter. Due to certain circumstances, I really needed to get a job. So, while it wasn't rocket science by any means (and since my Aunt was ALREADY a rocket scientist Project Manager for NASA, I figured one of those in the family was plenty!), it was a little extra money, and it helped out. I worked about 25 hours a week during the school year, and 40 hours a week in the Summer. It was kinda fun. The counter was next to the electronics and Photo developing section, so, sometimes, I got to cover for that dept also.

One of the guys I worked with, he was a blast! He used to mess with me by cranking up the temperature (or down, whichever way you want to look at it) so that the freezer we had to scoop from had the ice cream almost like a solid rock. I ended up spraining the tendon between my thumb and forefinger 3 times on my right hand (and my right wrist twice!). The storage freezer in back was kept at 5 below zero. You had to put on a big ski parka to go in there and get the stock when it ran low out in front! Do you have any idea how heavy 10 gallon drums of ice cream is? Lets put it this way..... my biceps looked AMAZING!

The best thing about that job was that I could get things for the house with my employee discount. Now, that was a perk.

The store manager was .... weird. Mr. Kort. I have to try and describe him for you. He was about 5'6, slightly balding in the front on top, but tons of salt and pepper hair, he would do this freaky thing with what hair he had left by moussing it or something, on top and swiriling it around. It was a crack up. He had these big bullfrog eyes that popped out of his head with thick bushy eyebrows that arched like he was perpetually in shock. Really really big lips and on top of that? A pencil thin moustache like Boris from Bullwinkle. Add to this one of the most massive potbellies I've ever seen. His voice was exactly like... oh whats his name? The character Tim Conway played on The Carol Burnett Show that said "MRS.. WWWWWWHHIIIIIGGGENSSSS"
? Just like that! It used to crack my mom up whenever she heard him talk. He was awfully weird but nice. And he talked...real. slowwww. I always wanted to tell him "hurry up!!!", but I never did. Come to think of it, he shuffled around real slow too.

I did this for about a year until I moved into proper retail. Actually, I met a store manager from a retail chain during some fashion merchandising classes I was taking in High School and he liked me and thought I had good natural sales ability, so he offered me a job. Cool, no? Ooh, I moved up from minimum wage!

I worked there for a couple of years, moved into bigger retail chains when I entered college, including..... working 2 retail jobs AND a full college schedule to pay for college! I eventually had to admit that I couldn't work like that one full time, one part time, and a full class schedule, so, I got a waitressing job instead. (I still have nightmares about it) It was 4-5 hours a day, but more money than I made (tip wise+ paycheck) than I was making in retail!

Guess where my second retail, part time job was? Victoria's Secret. Maybe if y'all ask me real sweet, I will tell you a few stories about my days working there.

And to you ladies that shop there? When you are in the bra room? Please have mercy on the staff, don't go pawing through the damn drawers. That is back stock for WHAT IS HANGING ABOVE IT! OK? Y'all make a goddamn mess and a nightmare from hell for the poor staff that has extremely anal retentive managers that check those drawers to make sure they are color coded, by size, and folded a specific way... ALL THROUGH OUT THE DAY. So please be nice to the overworked and underpaid staff of your local Victoria's Secret.

Now, I'd love it if you all would share with me what your first jobs were. Fair is fair, I showed you mine, now show me yours!

Patience, Grasshopper

Easier said than done, Master. So, oh wise one, put a sock in it! *ah SO*

Well, Ms. Perky-I-like-to-psychoanalyze-everyone-cause- I-have-a-degree-in-psychatry-but- didnt-manage-to-do-anything-with-it (also known as the recuritment agent Eliz*beth from the employment agency) called me today. The second interview, (last minute, migrane, middle of nowhere, remember?) the guy was yo-yoing back and forth between myself and another lady...... she won. I think he was so indecisive and confused between both of us, he proabably flipped a damn coin. Dammit. He really LOVED me, but, hey, not enough. Back to the drawing board.

Big time suckage, my friends. Big time. This is reallllllly frustrating. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't AUGUST HERE IN BAHRAIN. sigh. Well, I hope my pal Carrie Jo is having better luck than I am.

I hope I'll have a better report for you sooner, as opposed to later.

Bugger em' all!