8/23/2004

The Betrayal –part 2 & 3

I don’t know whether to be hurt or pissed as hell. So far I’m about 50/50.

He’s’ still asking about surrogacy as recently as the day or two ago… right after I talked to him about how his last suggestion a month ago to his niece hurt and upset me. The same night that… oh wait… I didn’t tell you that part yet!

This is a doozy. Y’all really won’t believe this crap. I don’t think. But then, maybe you will….

The other evening Z, from out of the blue, said “How about adopting a cute baby from Russia? Those babies are cute!” (oh, yeah, that’s a reason to adopt a kid, cause they are cute) I looked at him and said as cally as my shock would allow: “I don’t suppose you knew that it costs loads to adopt a child from anywhere, do you?” and then I added, since emotionally, the whole adoption thing was a bit TOO much for me “and besides, I STILL haven’t told you how upset I am about you going behind my back and asking “A” (his niece with triplets) to be a surrogate for us, when you know how I feel about the whole surrogate issue.”

You could have heard a pin drop my friends. The look on his face was “deer caught in the headlights of an out of control Semi-truck”. Heh. He didn’t know she had told me and I caught him off guard…. Ie: no time whatsoever to think up a plausible lie.

Me: “didn’t know she told me, did you?”
Z: “no. But I didn’t say that!”
Me: “ yes, you did. Several times in fact. Even after I told you the reasons that honestly, surrogacy is not an intelligent option for us and how I felt about it besides.”
Z: “Oh, I was just kidding…ha ha”
Me: “Look at me when you say that please.” He couldn’t. “No, you weren’t joking, cause you got into details. She told me. And looked at me, woman-to-woman, friend-to-friend with PITY Am, I laughing? And NOW you bring up adoption! Like you think it’s free? Or cheap? It’s not. None of your alternatives are cheap. Or easier. The fact is, I CAN be pregnant, (as my two pregnancies can attest to… 1 full term, and 1 miscarriage) and I WANT to be pregnant. I just have to fight like hell to GET pregnant is all! I am weird, I know, cause I LIKE being pregnant. Even as horribly ill as I get, I like the whole pregnancy thing. And you want to take that away from me. You keep making comments about using someone with a ‘good’ uterus, cause mine must be screwed since the embryos didn’t stick 3 times. Like I’ve said before hon, this really hurts me, my feelings when you say and do these things.”
Z: “You’re oversensitive.”
ME: -------?---?----?----?----?

Then he got in a huff at ME(!) for calling him on it.

I could be a bitch here if I wanted, and hurt him like he keeps hurting me, but I didn’t do it. I could have said any number of things. Like, maybe my uterus doesn’t like his DNA anymore. Like, maybe the severe STRESS that the IVF specialist said I shouldn’t be UNDER when trying to get pregnant- the stress I deal with daily from my MIL, her screaming and cursing me, throwing things around,stealing, troublemaking and HUGE problems, taking verbal shots at me to and in front of Arianna, the stress that he is ADDING to (by getting verbally shitty and abusive and being generally mean to me in the days leading up to my “trigger” shot (example, "you're mean, that's why you can't get pregnant, you should worship my mother she is so innocent! but deal with her, cause I won't ever let her leave me." (Me, gaping in disgusted shock- ME? Worship? HER? But, I"m NOT gonna worship the devil's daughter! NO WAY! - I didn't say it, but boy did I think it!) and leaving me in tears in the ultrasound room before Dr. Wand Monkey even walks in, then sees me-alone- trying to wipe/will them away, and he asks me what’s wrong and I say “I don’t know, maybe I’m tired or it’s all these hormones you’re giving me,” but he looks in my face and KNOWS it’s not that, and then shakes his head at me, looking at me all sad.
He wants me to kiss MIL's ass? Honey, those days are LOOOOONGGGGGGG gone. Been there, done that. Been burned waaaaay too many times and to continue only makes me look and FEEL stupid. And stupid I'm not.
Bloody hell. In my ENTIRE LIFE, no one, not ONE person in my recollection, has EVER called ME mean. Till now. How fucked is that? I've been told I'm TOO NICE and forgiving quite a few times. But mean? uh, no.

Does Z not realize that for surrogacy, I would STILL have to go through the whole IVF procedure (ie, for his clarification, have to pay the COST of meds and IVF package) except that 3 days after egg collection, they would transfer my embryos to another woman instead of my uterus (which works ok, is healthy and normal, thank God)?? I mean, for people that have problems with their uterus this is a completely necessary plan. It is reasonable. But for me? My uterus is NOT the problem. I have PCOS. My ovaries are fucked, stubborn, etc… whatever . My tubes, clear. Both of em.

Ok, I sound pissed, don’t I? Well I am. And I’m very hurt too.

Know why? Huh? Cause, when I was talking this over with N (hamster owning niece) tonight and mentioning his surrogate comments… she got confused… and told me, Oh, I thought you were talking about him saying it the other night. Me: “WHA? The other night?” She said, “yeah, I was at “A’s” house and he was asking her “be a surrogate for us. Come on!” He said it twice, and she said “Oh be quiet!” and turned her back on him and changed the subject. I didn’t know he had said it to her before also!”

Gee, that would be the day after the conversation I related above about surrogacy and adoption.

Well, shit.

Shouldn’t I sound pissed? I really AM so pissed. Hurt. Pissed. Angry. I can’t make up my mind. Shouldn’t I be hurt? Angry? I don’t THINK I’m being oversensitive here.
Am I?

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Nope just mean ;)

~Genuine

Scarlett Cyn said...

Genuine sweetie..... come over here..... no hon, closer.... even closer.. that's not close enough... ahhhh, that's better! Now let me give you..................

a big SMACK on your BAD, INJURED LEFT SHOULDER!*THUMP, WHACK!!!*

Now THAT's mean. See the difference? I thought you might.

cheryl b. said...

I'm telling you, we should really look into that whole commune thing. I don't think you're being oversensitive at all.

Scarlett Cyn said...

In case I've forgotten to tell you Cheryl b., I love ya woman! *Smooch*

Yeah, the commune thing is looking better by the day, isn't it?? (People that don't read Mindy's blog-BAD! BAD ON THEM!- are SO lost right now!)

MittenNKim said...

If you're honestly asking if you're being oversensitive, you've got bigger problems than what we can see.

NO, you're not being overly sensitive. You have an asshole for a husband who doesn't respect you whatsoever. To go behind your back numerous times, despite what you have told him, is disgusting and repulsive. Further, to not understand how much ALL of this hurts you... well, there are really no ajectives to describe him. Why you stay is beyond me. He must offer you a whole hell of a lot that you don't talk about on this blog.

Because, honey, if he actually knew that the MIL put you under so much stress -- and I mean REALLY KNEW -- she'd be gone. But she's not. He doesn't get it, doesn't see it, doesn't understand it.

But this begs the question: you just said yourself that your body is under stress because of the MIL. Then why do YOU allow her to stay? You want this baby more than anything, yet you've just acknowledged in this post that she could, possibly be part of the problem due to the stress she causes... but she's still there. I fail to understand why you haven't gotten rid of her. What if the release of that stress is what you need to conceive????

I'm sure people are going to bitch at me for saying all of that (maybe *you* will, who knows), but it's what I honestly feel. I actually feel a knot in my stomach when I read your posts because *I* am powerless to help. I just sit here and read the trash that gets dealt to you, and there's nothing I can do at all. It's very hard, because you have such a stunning personality and you deserve so much goodness.

So to answer your question: you should be hurt AND pissed, because the way Z is acting is dead wrong. Period.

Scarlett Cyn said...

Thanks Kim. I know you care. And NO, I'm not gonna bitch at you for your comment.

He sees it all actually. He chooses to do nothing about it. I have literally told her to get out, but, she comes back with the interesting comment "It's my SONS house,and HE wants me here". Hmmm. Well, what to say? She's right.

I agree with all that you've said. (oooh, especially my "Stunning personality!" kidding. but TKS!) If you feel frustrated, imagine how I feel? Even about the conception problems and the stress. But, he just shrugs and looks sad. The way he sees it, he has no choice. The bottom line is, frankly, no one else will take her. NO. wait. Her oldest daughter, the one in the states will take her,has asked her to come, but she won't go. SHE WONT GO.

I guess my blog is my vent space. I purposly have told only a few people in my real life about it. I've got enough noseyness to deal with. I can get all these things out and whomever wants to read them can. (as evidenced by my very first NASTY comment on the next post! Poor thing totally missed my point. Sigh.) There is a lot more than I have posted on my blog. There are just some things that I can't put "out there", for some reason. Maybe because they cut even deeper than this.

Who knows, maybe one day I'll just say "hell with it" and post IT ALL!!! But it's nice to know there ARE friends out there that care.

My love to you all. Thank you for your support.