The above title would definetly NOT describe me today. Not by a long shot. Not even if you were drunk from a 3 day non-stop drinking binge and high on crack.
Today I am really, completely depressed. Even the little happy pills my doctor gave me aren't helping today. At least Amy isn't the only one taking 3 giant leaps backwards this week. See what a good pal I am? I'm keeping her company.
I've been fighting this for weeks now. I had been doing pretty good up to this point, but today? Absolute crap. Nothing in particular, just lots of things adding on to one another. I woke up feeling pretty bad as a matter of fact. I didn't want to get out of bed and the day didn't improve from there, either. Lunch was a nightmare-for me anyway. Arianna was acting up at the table, and like ANY responsible mother, I was trying to instruct her on proper behaviour. She decided to take issue and argue the point with me instead of just doing as instructed. It became a debate over table manners with no mediator. Rule No 1: Do not argue with Mom. Especially about ettiquite, cause I don't hold with an overly arguementative 10 year old, sorry. Instead of backing me up, Z told ME "Can you just shut up? I don't want to hear any talking during lunch."
Yes, go on, imagine my gaping look of shock. I'll wait for you.............. Done? Ok.
Before ANY of you say it, yes, he screwed up on a multitude of levels. 1: degraded me in front of the child when I was trying not only to teach her something but also to make a point. 2, by degrading me in front of her by asking ME to shut it and not talk, he took HER SIDE and that is just... WRONG.2.5: by dissing me in front of her, disrespecting me in front of Arianna, the child will wonder "Why should I respect her, even DAD doesn't". Trust me, MY kid will totally rationalize that. 3: For Chrissake, if she has poor tablemanners what will people say? They will say "her mother didn't teach her". HELLO?!!!!!!!! THIS IS MY DAMN JOB HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! So then Monster was running her mouth nonstop after I shut mine and stared at my plate and I finally said quietly and almost under my breath: "if you want peace and quiet during lunch, then you should tell EVERYONE TO SHUT UP, especially HER, not just me".
Of course he said nothing to his mom. Just me. Why just me? Cause I'm stupid, I swear.
Later, I got another version of "Just be quiet and don't say anything" for a totally different reason. I swear, growing up, my Dad was quite fond of the old adage "Children should be seen and not heard". Forgive me, I'm 33 years old and I'm getting it still. ARRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I don't hear about an interview or a job this week, I think I'll go completely over the deep end,dammit. Why my sudden desperation? Because darlings, this week the Holy Month of Ramadan starts. The month of fasting. Nothing gets done in Ramadan, I swear. Offices are only open for 6 hours a day so that people can go home to prepare to break their fast at sundown. Everyone is fasting and that equals some really CRAP moods. Can you imagine going to an interview with someone who is fasting (no, not even water from sunrise to sundown) so, hungry and cranky, and probably has no sleep, (cause people stay out till all hours all nights of the week going to gatherings and tents set up at the hotels to smoke shisha (hookah) and play cards and eat, eat, eat, eat and watch entertainment.)? Not bloody likely. In which case, that would mean perhaps a whole another month with no job.
Yesterday I discovered that my bank is, yet again, screwing my account up, those bastards. I just wanted to check and make sure they took the money Z gave me to make my loan payment and lo and behold, there was some very strange numbers and things on the mini statement I printed out at the then closed bank. I paid off and closed my Visa card back in December 2003, and guess what showed up? They are STILL charging me a shitload of fees. Then, for some stupid reason, they took money out of my account in the form of a Visa payment, you know, the Visa card that has been closed for 11 months now?????!!! Stupid British Bank Standard Chartered. YES. I put the name. Why? Because they are bastards and I hate them. Can I change my bank? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, not till I have a JOB, because why? I would have to transfer my loan to said new bank because me not being a local, I have to have a salary transfer direct to the bank I have my loan at. If not? They will do mean things to me, like drag me to court where I don't speak the language, put a hold on my passport, and generally harass the living shit out of me. HATE. THEM. ASSHATS.
You know how I know I'm really depressed? When Monster starts in on her shit at me and I am completely unable to hold my temper in. Yes darlings, you guessed it. I went apeshit on her ass tonight. I know you and I know you are all chomping at the bit for details, aren't you my lovlies?
It was over something so stupid really. But I wasn't gonna shut my mouth, nuh-uh. First off, some background. It was over a little water aquarium picture I have in my Guest bath on a shelf. (on a shelf, cause the whole thing is tiled floor to ceiling) Z bought it for arianna, but she didn't want it in her room, cause she knocked it off the wall one day. This thing looks like a hanging aquarium, does actually have water, and has 3 little fishies and is battery operated so that when you flip a switch, the fishies swim all over the place. It's cute. So, When ari exiled it from her room, I put it in the guest bath back in MAY, since this IS MY HOUSE, INNIT??? So, the fishy thing was there this afternoon but this evening, when I was checking my emails, Ari came and got all bitchy with me and giving me attitude as to WHY I PUT THE DAMN FISHY PICTURE BACK IN HER ROOM ON THE WALL CAN"T I GET IT IN MY HEAD SHE DOESN"T WANT IT IN THERE? (she yet breathes, don't worry) I said "First Missy, Watch your mouth and tone of voice with me!,Second, don't accuse me of moving something if you don't know I did it. and Thrid, STOP SHOUTING AT ME, I"M NOT DEAF!!!!!!!!!!" She said "Oh, sorry, I thought you did it. I don't want it in my room. I said , Ok then, put it somewhere." So she did. IN the bathroom, aparently, that she shares with Monster.
Got all this? Good. Fast forward 2-3 hours. I'm in the kitchen making Z a snack. Ok, one of my famous sandwiches. My kitchen has 3 doors. 1 goes outside. 1 opens and is always open onto the L-shape hallway that leads to the bedrooms and eventually, after a left turn, out my front door or to an alternative door for entering the Living room. Kitchen door 3 opens onto the living room. Directly opposite door 2 is Ari and monster's bathrom at the end of the hall.
There I stand, minding my own business and making Z his snack. Monster comes out of the bathroom and starts SCREAMING AT ME with the most horrible "DIE YOU FUCKING BITCH" look on her face and shaking this stupid fishy picutre at me screeching "Why did you take this down from the wall? Isn't it Arianna's? I put it there, how dare you.... why did you put it in here..........shreik, scream.... " with me just staring at her. and that dear readers is when I just. fucking. snapped.
I think I recall that I had one damn sharp knife in my hand at the time also. I stuck my head in the living room and said to her son "DO YOU HEAR THIS BULLSHIT THAT IS BEING SCREAMED AT ME? IF YOU DON'T SAY SOMETHING THEN I WILL AND YOU REALLY DON"T WANT THAT, NOW DO YOU?" Yes, I was loud, but he listens to the TV with the surround sound on and I was pissed. So sue me. He goes "WHAT?" and I said "Listen to this shit! I DIDN"T DO ANYTHING and I'm getting screamed at for nothing and being accused and she's runnig her mouth at me like this? She should ask first dammit! IM SICK OF THIS FFING BULLSHIT!" (erm, can you tell I'm mad? I may cuss like a sailor on my blog, but in real life? Not so much.) He finally heard and asked what her problem was (notice I didn't say anything to her directly?Good.) then asked me why I moved it around, etc... About this time Arianna came out of her room like "oooh, fight!" and I said "Why do you assume I did it? Why not ask your daughter, Z, what happened and why it was moved and WHO did it?" Monster kept screaming on and on about me, shreiking and shaking that damn picture and Arianna finally said to her, I took it off the wall to her dad." Then Z said to his mom " Who moved it?" she said ""Your damn wife, that..... Cyn"(she refers to me usually as that or It.) He said "Arianna just told me SHE did it." and she said "Oh, I figured It did it as usual". He said to her "before you accuse,scream, and shout, you should ASK instead of opening your mouth next time, hmmmmm? Wouldn't that be a good idea?" and to Ari he said " And you speak up next time!". Then I went and handed him his sandwich, not saying much of anything.
Good Lord, but I want to tear my hair out.
Oh yeah, the other day, she was hearing voices and she saw someone that wasn't there. Arianna actually. Ari awas playing at her cousin's house and monster said she woke up and saw Arianna creeping towards her in the doorway with pillows to come at her, then when she got up and called to her, and looked around, no one was home. I said "It couldn't be Ari, and the door was locked when I just came in. hahaha. you seeing devils too?" She said "Only the one right in front of me, YOU." Well damn. Then I had to tell her that HERE, if I get her admitted to the Psych ward, they will pay ME 200 bucks. She better HOPE I don't get desperate enough. Seeing shit that isn't there and hearing things? walking around talking to herself?
DO I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE SCARED? I THINK I DO. You should have seen her face when she was screaming at me tonight. E-V-I-L. A friend of mine dreamt that when she shook monster's hand, that when monster took her had away, there were maggots on her own hand. That is some traumatizing shit to hear, you know that?
Anyway, I got out for a bit directly after to go pick up N,( the hamster owner, remember?) from the airport. She told me a very funny story about her trip. She and her boyfriend went on a business trip together and I have a very funny story to tell, hilarious actually, but I can't post it here, cause once in a blue moon, Z might read my blog and I promised NOT to tell him, so. If you want to know it, email me or post request me real nicely and I will email it to you. (Make sure I have your email, babies!)
There are a few other things on my head at the moment, and shoulders too actually, but I won't actually go into them here. Just trust me when I say, they are big weights dragging me down.
Icing on my cake tonight? I had a record (for me) of 783 Bulk Mail in my yahoo account. Do you have any idea houw tedious it is to delete all that? Cause sometimes? A real email gets in by mistake, so I have to check before deleting. That is a LOT of SPAM, I swear. and then? On Survivor? They voted out my FAVORITE Player. The hot one, the smart one, the gorgeous one. Waaaaaaaah.
*And for the record? Z has told me (Cause I know what some of you will say) that he will NEVER EVER get his mom out. (ie I don't like it, take my own options or deal.)So basically, if I stay, I'm stuck till she kicks it.