3/06/2005

Off My Chest- Finally.

It really is an apt title for this post, I promise. Because I really must get this off my chest once and for all. 'Cross Your Heart' my sweet ass.

I. Hate. Bras.

They are a necessary evil. If I could? I would go without one more often than not. But unfortunately? That is just a long denied fantasy. That and my other fantasy of wearing strapless, or spaghetti strap, or a one-shoulder top. Or even a halter top for that matter.

I think the last time I wore a halter top was in 3rd grade. Right about the time these suckers came in.

Mind you, they didn't come in THIS big right away, but big enough, dammit. (Thanks for that little bit of DNA, Nana. I look just like you did, which is fine by me, but did I HAVE to get the bosom too? *wail*)

Some of you may be wondering what brought on my rant at bras all of a sudden. Well, it isn't so all of a sudden so much as it is my voicing of my irritation.

What brought all this on is the pain. Today I'm having a bit of a hard time moving my left arm even the slightest little bit and it's grating on my last nerve. Well, that and while talking with one of my best friends about ripping around in the morning in your under things trying to get ready for work, I realize that I realize I neglected to mention that I usually wait till the last minute to put it on and really can't wait to get my gorgeous bras off.

Because they really are special, my bras. I make sure that I wear the prettiest bras I can find in a G cup, believe me! But even so, the pleasure I get from feeling the pretty things and seeing them against my skin does nothing whatsoever against the pain I incur that is really beginning to get to me. Ok. It has gotten to me. Period. For example, ever since last summer, I have been having the most mind numbing (but not numb enough, unfortunately) blinding pain that shoots from my left shoulder, up my neck and into my head with just about any movement at all and makes even ME gasp out loud with it. Me. The woman with the high pain threshold. The pain is so bad it feels like it is deep in my bone radiating through the muscle. I think I've got a pinched nerve or something.

If anyone touches my left shoulder (Which for some reason? EVERYONE seems to want to greet me with a smack to my left shoulder. WHY IN THE HELL IS THAT?) This presents another small problem. I like to sleep on my side, when I'm not sleeping semi-face down. My LEFT side in particular. That is pretty much impossible now. I just know my left boob is the cause of all the pain. Pain that feels like some damn Viking Berserker has just swung a sword into you and left the *$#^&&*% thing there. Pain killers and/or muscle relaxers don't work. I know what would help me.

A slight breast reduction and a lift.

Now before the men that read my blog start sobbing uncontrollably (and you know who you are. Don't make me name names, hmmm?) I'm not talking about drastic loss of mass here. But I would like to have something semi normal. Of course, to me, normal is a D cup. Hahaha.

I'm serious. Don't believe me?

Once upon a time when I was stuck in the exam room with a sleeping baby Arianna, I became bored out of my mind… which is when my curiosity got the better of me…. So I plopped first one, then the other on the baby weighing scale. Imagine my surprise (and the expletive muttered quietly under my breath) to discover that each one weighed around 12.5lbs. You do the math, because it frankly makes me look down at myself in wonder.

Anyway, that was then, and the suckers were slightly smaller-slightly- and that was 24lbs I was supporting on MY SHOULDERS. It's kind of like having a fat toddler sitting on your chest and hanging on by the shoulders all the time. I figure it's probably closer to 26 or so now.

So. My Good Samaritan deed for the month is this: if you have smaller breasts. If you have average sized breasts and have always wanted to have implants. I BEG you… don't do it sistah. Just say no, like the Nike commercial. I also have one itsy comment.

Are you out of your damn mind? They're more hassle than they are worth.

Cheryl b. Stop sobbing now. They aren't going anywhere for the time being.

I think I'll sign out now and go scrounge up a nice strong pain pill, pray for a little relief and go pass out in my bed.

Good night. *whimper*

PS: Get a question in y'all. I have a Inquisition/Confession post almost ready for posting. You've got 24 hours…… GO!

5 comments:

Catrina said...

Send a little love my way! Just a little though. I have a small 100 lb. frame and can't handle too much! I actually love bras because they give me a little s'thing s'thing. My sis got implants, then had a baby. Now she needs more work done because they are sagging again, and there's more stretch marks!

LĂ©onie, London said...

Totally know what you mean.. I'm also the not-so-proud bearer of Gs, and spend hours fantasising about halter tops and elegant strappy dresses. Also I understand the pain, although I'm not sure that I have ever experienced quite such Viking-related agony (and I suspect my pain threshold might not be quite as impressive as yours) I get back problems all the time as well.. ah poor us. I would definitely go for surgery if it was pain-free and, well, just free.

cheryl b. said...

Mmmmm, boobies.....I can't wait to get new ones, sigh, so expensive.

Indigo Wolf said...

Since I've had this extensive prosoriasis outbreak for the past few months, I don't care how small my boobs are anymore. I just want my skin to clear up! I hate looking like a freak with red spots all over me. It's horrible.

OK, my question: what does your favorite outfit look like and why is it your favorite? (an easy one for this week)
-Carrie Jo

Catrina said...

I. Wolfe, my daughter has a few patches of psoriasis which we are treating now with antibiotics, a special shampoo and a topical ointment. How often do you get your outbreaks and how long do they last? When did you first discover you had this and has it gotten worse as you got older? Sorry for all the ???'s!