The Bird

Well dear readers, it seems we have a new take on an old favorite, courtesy of my Monster-In-Law.

It seems that I can't even go to the grocery store without some Sh*t going down at my house.

Today was a day off from school for Arianna and so she was having loads of fun with the live-in au pair I've arranged since I went back to work. Arianna really, REALLY likes her, and she is one picky kid, let me tell you! (For my peace of mind, you understand? Monster does NOT like to look after her granddaughter and throws it up in our face if she looked after her when I went to an interview or something so I said "F-her!" and arranged for the au pair, Shony. There are not babysitters like you find back home in the States, or in the West for that matter, so here? It's live-in nannies. Bless her heart, she does the laundry too!

Anyway, beyond MIL being an odd grandmonster for not liking to look after the kid, Ari doesn't like it either and it is a lot less hassle all the way around. It's worth every penny, since I have the aforementioned peace of mind. So.

You think you're safe going to the grocery store for a few items (literally), wouldn't you think? Yeah, I thought so too!


I came back 30-40 minutes later and heard the following:

1) Shony caught Monster throwing my SHOES across the (BIG) kitchen at the wall........ AGAIN. Usually she gets set off if a pair of my shoes is sitting next to Z's shoes. For some ffed up reason, this sets her off. Don't ask. Hell if I know why. Then again, if any of you have theories WHY, I'd LOVE to hear them. And speaking of clothes, personal effects, this leads me to….

2) MIL rummaging through the RUNNING washing machine-yet again- while I was away and taking MY STUFF ONLY out and tossing it EVERYWHERE. (Everywhere constitutes the following locations for your enlightenment: Behind the washer & drier and/or, on the floor wherever they may land and/or, (my personal WTF?? favorite) on top of the bowl of fruit in the middle of my kitchen table. Now me? All whites (me, Z, Ari) together to make up a load. Ditto for colors. Ditto for darks, you know to get optimum performance out of the machine and proper water useage. This drives MIL up the G.D. wall, seeing our clothes together. (No, not the kitchen one. Just in general) It would seem that the thought of my clothes being in the same wash cycle (much like the shoe situation) with her son's- you know, my husband!- is intolerable. Shony is completely baffled by this. Join the club honey. I mean, jeez. I'm MARRIED to the guy. You're freaking the hell out about my shoes sitting next to his or my clothes in the same washer? She must go completely APESHIT at the thought of he and I sleeping in the same bed together. And sweet lord, sometimes… you know, every once in a while, when we-gasp!- you know, do what most married couples do and have sex…his body is actually inside mine. You know, whenever THAT is. No wonder she freaks the f*ck out every time the door is shut and we are in there, nookie or not. By the way, did I ever tell y'all that one day she walked past Shony in my room and proceeded to take all of Z's work clothes (yeah, suits, dress shirts, ties, and belts) out of our closet and take them to her room? (Before ANY of you ask, NO, he said nothing about this even though I bitched my head off about it,(ok, I'm paranoid about her being near my closet, she has VERY STICKY FINGERS, if you get my drift) so he now has to go to MOMMY'S room to get dressed for work). I was so pissed, I told him "why don't you go sleep in her room too?" My bad. But it felt goooood.

So yeah, again with my laundry thrown all over the damn place. I really hate when she waits till they are clean AND dry and THEN dumps the clothes all over the damn floor. Best part? She lies about it. Now she tries to blame Shony. One teensy problem about this theory of hers…… she's been doing this crap for YEARS. Ie: waaaaay before Shony was ever in the picture. Liar liar pants on fire.

3) Now for the oddest and truly funny-in a sad sort of way- thing that happened while I was gone. Monster, pissed that Shony and Ari were having fun playing playstation or some such together, cursed them BOTH out pretty badly in Persian and then proceeded to flip them the bird. Or try to. Now this sent both Ari and Shony into bouts of hysterical laughter because instead of using the middle finger like the majority of the planet? She used her INDEX FINGER and wiggled it about. (I know about 75% of you made the motion with your own hand just to see the visual effect. Don't be embarrassed about it. I did it too. It's a hoot, no?) Arianna apparently laughed in her face, figuring out what she meant and said "Oh, you mean this?" and , well, did it properly and then, just to confuse her… made up her own version which entails doing the whole 'wiggle the finger thing" with your pinkie.

Now before any appalled people get all affronted about Ari doing the 'bird" properly, she knows what it is, but that she isn't allowed to use it (particularly around me!) Secondly, if anyone is offended that I don't reprimand her about being disrespectful to her evil grandmonster? I used to jump her tail about it every single time. But then? Monster was cussing me out and staring an all out war IN THE WHOLE DAMN FAMILY that I tell Ari off for nothing and punish her for nothing. (When what I was doing was admonishing her to treat elders with respect, don't talk to/ hit/yell at/ fill-in-the-blank, grandma like that) Basically, I'm fed up, so, I figure, Ari is just as big, physically, as monster, she can fight her own battles, especially if her Dad isn't going to involve himself in this. Kid has a lot of repressed anger towards G-ma because of all the stuff she's seen me go through- as a helpless spectator- all these years and the stuff she hears about me daily. Well, formally repressed anger. She doesn't take any crap anymore and gives as good as she gets.

So come on y'all, wiggle that index finger with me on the count of 3!!





Wenchie said...

Okay, I'm new here, but I gather that your COMPLETELY PSYCHOTIC monster-in-law lives with you guys?

You are a goddam SAINT.

And kudos to you for letting Ali flip off her grandmonster. I'm serious! That bitch totally crosses the line, and I think it's important that Ali learns that she doesn't have to take shit from someone like that.

Man, now I'm all pissed on your behalf and feeling the urge to deliever The Smackdown, Pirate Wench Style!

Scarlett Cyn said...

Is everyone in agreement with me that Pirate Wench needs to read my archives? All in agreement say AYE!!!!!!!


I must say tho, see how quick she is? Wenchie has only read the one entry and doesn't even know about the tree abuse post and she got her all figured out.

You know Wenchie? I'll drink rum drinks with you ANY DAY. (Say it with me.... Bahama. Mama.yum.)

Catrina said...

You have to read the archives. This is the TIP of the iceberg. When I first read everything I was in tears because, well, I sort of grew up with Scarlett and I know this Monster who lives with her. EVERYTHING is true! Personally, I think she should poison the bitch. Lord knows I never could have lasted this long! I would be in jail by now!