The Betrayal

 Not to interrupt my party over on the previous post.... (keep posting on there for the party, BTW!) But, well, I hust have to vent.  I read over on Chez Miscarriage the following just now, and ,well, I just can't keep quiet, because it struck something deep in me that I've been dealing with for a while now. 

 From Chez Miscarriage:
Dr. Love said, You use a gestational surrogate when there's no uterus, not when there's a damaged uterus. You don't use a surrogate to increase your chances of having a baby. You use a surrogate when you have no other options, when there's no hope, when you're at the end of the line.
How interesting, I said the very same thing to Z last week, and a few weeks before that. And a month ago and two months ago when my 4th IVF cycle got cancelled. And the 3 times before that he has mentioned it… in 2004.

A couple of  nights ago, his niece, the mother of the triplets and I went to the movies. Fortunately I am and have always been very close with her. She is one year older than me. On the way there, she confided to me that her Uncle, my husband, asked her to be a surrogate for us. I don’t know how I continued to keep driving the car, actually. That hurt me so very much. I replied the most flippant as I could. “Has he lost his fucking mind? You just delivered triplets! What kind of nutcase would ask that of a woman that just delivered triplets?” She said that’s what she told him also.

He had mentioned it to me.  Several times. I thought he was just running the idea past me. Kinda like how he was buttering me up for the idea of a second wife last year. (a really rich one, so he could “take care of me”) )hes' muslim) I guess I was wrong. Bullshit then, and bullshit now. I told him what I thought of his suggestion about a surrogate. “Why? My damn uterus is fine. Then I went on to basically state verbatim what Dr. Love said above.” Glad to have a doctor backing me up on that one. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. There is other crap in my reproductive system that is messed up-ovaries- but my poor uterus is just fine, thank heavens. I can’t believe that after I told him how against the whole idea I was all those times he mentioned it, he STILL went to her and asked her. She said he was very serious about it.  Maybe I’m a bitch, but I’d really like to scratch his eyes out. I haven’t confronted him about it yet. and I heard about it from someone else. He didn't even tell me he is approaching people about it. And if you think that she is the only one he has asked or will ask, I've got a lovely piece of land in Siberia I'd like to sell you that is PERFECT for winter holidays.

He asked me if when Aunt Flo starts if I want to take Clomid this time. I looked at him, with his comments in the back of my head and said, “No. Not now. Be reasonable. I just lost my job. I have to have a job.” Right now you guys, I’m so hurt, I really hate him. I feel betrayed. He went behind my back knowing how I felt on the subject, like everything else, and it kinda makes me wonder…

What else has he gone behind my back about?


cheryl b. said...

I'm so sorry baby, that's a lot of shit. I can't understand why he would do such a shitty thing to you, it's not like you don't have enough to deal with already.

Ollie said...

I am stunned. Muslim or not, that is NOT NICE. You do not hurt your wife's feelings over this. I understand that Islam carries different traditions, but just like you adjusted to his customs, he needs to adjust to yours. And hiring an alternate uterus, suggesting a second wife... NOT. I do hope the two of you can talk through this and work it out, but I believe you are definitely right to be upset.

I am trying to see his side of it, but I guess I am way too biased on this issue, being a woman, being fertility-challenged, being your friend.

Hula Doula said...

Oh sweetie I am so so so so sorry. I don't think you want to know what else he has done or said behind your back. It's better left unknown. It will be ok. I'm so so sorry

Katie said...

So sorry. :( This has not been easy on either of you. Even though it doesn't make what he did right, maybe he was trying to help. But since he knew your thoughts on this, he deserves a frying pan to the head. Take care of yourself!

MittenNKim said...

Baby, that bites so hard. I can't even think of the words, other than offering you myself as a hit-woman.

Who'd suspect me? I have a kitten.

Sorry, truly I am. First the MIL, then this.