Monster-in-Law vs. The Electrician
It is common knowledge that my husband has a WIDE evil streak in him. It is also common knowledge that my MIL hates my guts and is evil incarnate. I’m not just saying that. Her own blood says it too! But what he did last night? To his own mother? Genius, pure genius! It was so good; I just HAVE to share it with you all!
The electrician for the compound was supposed to be coming over to fix whatever it was she was bitching about, (I didn’t really pay attention, cause her voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me, if you must know!) Now the electrician’s English isn’t all that great. And my MIL’s is almost non-existent (although she does manage enough to talk shit about me whenever the opportunity arises and she knows the necessary words, like BITCH and f**k you!) So, she was asking her precious son what she should say to the electrician. This is what he taught her:
“I give you blowjob”
She dutifully repeated it over and over, very carefully. (Me, turning my face to the wall trying not to laugh my ass off.) After a few minutes, she said it was a bit hard for her to say, how about another way? Ok, sure!
“Lick me please?” and “Do me hard!”
Again with the repeating and learning. (This is killing me, honestly!) Then she said there was something else she wanted fixed, so, he taught her:
“Please screw me”
At this point, I was shaking with laughter, and she got suspicious. Well, I couldn’t help it! He said, “No, Cyn is laughing at the TV, aren’t you?” And I nodded and said “yeah…. *snicker*… TV, funny!” Then he said to her: “Try this mom:”
“I want your dick”
At this point, I looked at him and said quietly, “I’m sure she will know that one! You screwed up!” As she repeated, she realized she did know what DICK is… and started freaking out. I looked at him and said, “See, I told you!” You forgot about that neighbor that used to sneak over after you and your brother went to work when we were engaged! They would sit and drink and smoke and Lord knows what else! Hahahahahahahah!” Then I proceeded to give in to my bout of uncontrollable hysterical laughter, convulsing on the sofa!
On the off chance that you are offended that I find this so very amusing, or that I’m retelling this on my blog? Tough shit. I actually have permission to retell this from Z! Z even went over to her granddaughter’s house right after and told a roomful of her 30-something grandkids and their husbands and they all proceeded to have similar reactions to me. In fact, the mom of the triplets was laughing so hard, she called her MOM (MIL’s daughter) and told her, and she promptly laughed her ass off too!
This is almost as good, as when we were all in Las Vegas and she noticed there are these HUGE, I mean really huge margarita glasses people are drinking from. So there she sits on the slot machine stool, jealous and thirsty for booze. She shouts to a passing cocktail waiter “”HEY MISTER, YOU HAVE BIG ONE?? GIVE ME BIG ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” and kept right on yelling it at him until he figured it out after she finally pointed at one that someone was drinking from, right as a highly unnatural lull in the casino noise happened. Stares aplenty!! My SIL wanted to die right there. But she still laughs about it to this day!
But honestly, the blowjob one? Killed me.
Ok, I know you want to comment. Go ahead.