And How Was YOUR Day???
Have you ever sat with a family member and begun what seemed at first to be a completely boring conversation? Then the next thing you know….. you are frantically scrambling mentally to commit ALL of what you just heard to memory thinking… “I have GOT to blog this!”? Yes? Good. Then welcome to my world.
Now I realize that Z’s family’s antics are deserving of their own blog at the very least. As is, I realize now how completely STUPID I was when I lived in LA, working at the top day spa & salon that was frequented by celebrities and industry people every day. Why stupid, you ask? Besides the fact that I was realizing, right about the time Z said “oh honey, I got a job offer on the other side of the planet, lets move, shall we?” that I should get back into the entertainment field, even if it meant becoming somebody’s bitch… erm, I mean, some celebrities Personal Assistant (aka: Slave), cause I had just found out how very much they get paid, and the perks. Yeah, I could handle that! I mean, just based on my daily dealing with these exact type of people, and my being a “people person” with generally patience in excess, that I could actually be happy in this field. Hell, before I was 17 I one of my very very good friends was a VP at Capitol/EMI Records in LA. Dumb dumb me. I moved. I had shitloads of contacts and ideas in my head, and I moved. Never mind that. I was Stoopid (yes, with a capital S) because my catch phrase for my MIL, ie: Monster-in-law, became so very popular. Imagine my surprise when I found out by watching E! Online (which depresses me, cause I could do so much better on that show!) to hear that Jennifer Lopez (aka, “The ass”) has been slated to play the much aggrieved Daughter-in-law to Jane Fonda’s MONSTER IN LAW character. Yes my lovlies, the name of the film is Monster In Law. It took this movie to get Jane Fonda’s butt out of retirement. I shoulda trademarked or patented that damn catch phrase. Hence, my stupidity.
But I digress…… (as usual, I know. Shut UP already! This is MY blog, and it’s ALL ABOUT MOI! )
Anyhoo, back to our scheduled program! So, Sitting on the sofa with Z’s niece “P” this evening. (Small background, um Z’s sisters daughter, 1 ½ MONTHS younger than me, and 2nd in line to my throne of people that Monster hates with a passion. Yup, her OWN granddaughter. In case you are wondering who’s first? DUH!!! It’s ME! Where you been? Go read the archives for the love of God!) I innocently ask P “how’s work?”
I shouldn’t have ought to have done that. Nope. No sireeee Bob! I got waaaaaaaay more than I bargained for. Gather round my lovelies while I share the joy with you.
I expected one of two answers, to be honest. Either “Ok” or “crap, as usual”. Instead, I heard “It’s ok, except when I came into work this morning, I discovered my hamsters were missing.”
*WHAT THE FUCK????*
“Did I hear you correctly? You lost your hamsters? At work? ” P replied, “yes. Well, not lost, really. The broke out of their cage in the night.” With a sad, sad face. “But we eventually found them!”
WELL FUCK ME. Hamsters at work.
Maybe you are all thinking, so, maybe she works in a pet shop. You are ALL ON CRACK! She works for a Mobile Telecommunications company. A very well known one in all parts of the world, except maybe North America. I had to ask.. cause, well, I’m a nosey bitch, and that’s why you all LOVE ME SO! Sigh. Yeah, apparently she told a guy she was bored, Being the only woman in the office full of men, and was a little lonely and needed to perk up her work cubicle. The guy bought her hamsters. In a cage. With a wheel (a habitrail?) and, apparently a little hamster house also, which ties in to the story later. Trust me. She kept them at work. (Now I’m sure you all realize that by this point I’ve completely given up trying NOT to laugh and am laughing like hell right in her face) There are two. A boy and a girl. This ALSO ties into my story later. There will be a pop quiz at the end, so pay attention! YES! YOU IN THE BACK! I see you. Stop passing notes!
So. Apparently her hamsters that she had hidden so well that most of the people on her floor had no idea she even had there decided to take a stroll in the middle of the night and forgot the way back home. Smart little furry bastards. Anyway, P sounded the alarm to a few of the guys that knew about her little pets and rounded up Ricky and Lucy (yes, I’ve named them since P never did) and dropped them back in their cage. I said, “well, it’s a girl and a boy, so soon you should have a whole bunch of hamsters at work!” I thought her story over.
I should have known better, and quite frankly, so should you!
Just as my laughter was dying down and I began to catch my breath… she started on about her hamsters.
P: “Yeah, I sure will have a ton of baby hamsters. Know why? Ricky, my boy hamster, he has HUGE BALLS. I don’t know how he can even walk, much less how he broke out.”
Me:------- blank stare, gaping mouth, gasping for air.
P: “Yeah, they are as big as his head! It’s like he has two heads. And he has no shame! He lays in his little hamster house on his back….”
Me: --------- blank stare, still open mouthed,
P: “ On his back with everything inside the house except his bottom half, with his HUGE BALLS in everyone’s face that walks by. It’s so embarrassing. He lays like that all day.”
Me: *mutters* “maybe needs ventilation…”
P: “Well except for the few times I’ve caught him and Lucy in the 69 position! (And she makes the hand gesture to illustrate her point, as if I NEEDED ANY HELP!?????)
Me: -----??---- sputters out “69??? Huge? Hamster? Balls? OHMIGOD!” and there begins my asthma attack for the evening in the middle of my hysterical laughter. I’m feeling lightheaded from lack of oxygen, but I’m thinking to myself “MUST…. REMEMBER….THIS… FOR…MY…READERS….!!!” And she continues….
P: “And the guys in the office come by to talk at me, and I see they are distracted by his balls. They call other guys to come and look, then they sit and snicker behind their hands like that!”
Hey y’all…. Sorry to interrupt…. But, I bet you thought it couldn’t get any worse than this, didn’t ya? Guess what? YOU’RE SOOOOOOOO WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cause NOW she talks about the two guys inspecting Ricky’s privates and once they got over the size of his testicles…or maybe not… one of them, the one with an IQ of about 39 I think, says… “Oh look! I didn’t know hamsters had belly buttons! Would ya look at that!?”
Except it wasn’t Ricky’s belly button (and P, at this point, smacks her forehead in disgust and shakes her head)… I look at her in horror, knowing what is coming next, but hoping I’m wrong..
I wasn’t wrong.
P: “ The stupid guy kept saying ‘Lookie that! HIS BELLYBUTTON!’ But it was cold I guess or something, and the little furry bastard was back on his back with his ass hanging out again and what stooped thought was his belly button was his penis. It had gone in and it kinda looked like an innie, sort of, except that it was right where a DICK SHOULD BE in relation to the testicles and all… and how did this guy not know this? He just kept saying “didn’t know hamsters had belly buttons” over and over again.”
P: “and no fuckin WAY I was gonna tell him “Oh, that’s his penis, ya know?”
Me: “um, Yeah, Uh-huh”.
Then, a flash of my genius, my utter brilliance floats to the top of my consciousness… (Modest little thing, ain’t I??)
Me: “Well, look on the bright side, at least he didn’t get aroused while the guys were there and start humping Lucy!”
*Cyn takes bow*
Now who would have EVAH thought I would have such a story to relate for your reading pleasure simply by asking “how’s work?”? I know I never did.
(By the way, there isn’t any Pop Quiz.)