So, my birthday is tomorrow. I’ll officially be 33 at 7:41am EST. (Like the way I drag out turning a year older?) woo. hoo.
What am I doing for my birthday? Nothing much really. Well, Z’s friend Ameen-who he’s known since childhood (who, shortly after meeting me and a few times since said “Divorce this asshole and marry ME instead! He doesn’t deserve you! Haaaaaaaaa!)ALWAYS remembers my birthday and so, for the last month has been planning to take me out for my birthday to dinner , like he does every year since I moved here, and said to Z “Yeah, you can come too.” Since when he asked what we are doing, Z replied with a shrug “I dunno”. So, Ameen will take me out for my birthday a day earlier (tonight) since he has family obligations on my actual birthday. So yes, I am going out to dinner for my birthday, but no, my husband is not involved in the planning-by his own choice- in any way.
Arianna came in and jumped in my face the other morning in bed, then got all snuggly then said in a sing-song voice “Who’s birthday is this weeeeeeeeek, hmmmmm??????” about 10 times with a goofy smile on her face. I love this kid, I swear.
What is it about birthdays that turn us all introspective? With each passing year it gets worse and worse, it seems. At least to me it does.
I find myself thinking about what I’ve done with and in my life so far and what I plan to do. Or perhaps I should say HOPE to do. Or what I maybe SHOULD have done. Or should be doing……Ugh, it’s enough to give anyone a panic attack, I swear! *Scrambles for that “emergency” xanax*
I look at what goals I set for my adulthood I have reached and which ones I haven’t, and which ones are just unrealistic. I find myself being more concerned about my older years now and stability for the future. I’m a planner by nature, so I can’t help myself.
This whole infertility thing really gets to me with each year I add on too. Talk about a biological clock ticking! Damn! Except it’s more like a clock attached to a B*mb. Tick-tock-tick-tock and I don’t know which damn wire to snip to get the clock to stop ticking away. I’ve been thinking about this since I was first diagnosed with PCOS at 15. You do the damn math honey! That’s a heck of a lot of years. I think that is the most frustrating thing for me getting older…. I know my eggs have a general expiration date, except I don’t know exactly when that is… and THAT is kinda scary.
I had really hoped to have a couple of kids (3) by this age. 1 down, 2 to go. I’d be happy with one more, but if by some fluke of science or God’s graciousness I were to have twins, I’d be a happy camper…. And DONE. Of all my goals I’ve set for myself, this is the one thing that really sticks in my craw that I haven’t accomplished yet. Notice I said “yet”. Cause I am a stubborn and determined thing. But damn me it’s frustrating.
I’d also planned that Monster would NOT be living with us still. You ALL know where I am on that goal. That is the UNREACHABLE GOAL. The impossible, short of me leaving, goal. When I got engaged, I mentioned this, and I was promised “a couple of years”. Y’all, I define a “Couple” as 2 or 3 years. NOT 14. It was just a hush up comment. Boy am I a sucker. Hindsight is a bitch, no?
I’d like to have my own home. A house. I don’t really care where. It looks like that MIGHT maybe be a possibility in the next year, fingers crossed. (Long story) But I don’t want to get my hopes all up and all, you know? Yeah, I thought you might. Counting chickens and whatnot.
It pisses me off that I’m gonna be 33 and jobless. This is SO unacceptable. I’ve been working since I was 14 years old, dammit. Z told me a few weeks ago “I bet you will have a nice job by your birthday”. Well honey, unless a miracle happens in the next 24 hours or so, it don’t look like it.
Lets see, that book I always wanted to write? There are about 12 good solid chapters written (with a S*hitload of ideas rolling in my head so fast I can’t get them down fast enough, but there are some misc. notes also). So that is something, no? YEAH!
This blog. Do you know, I never, ever would have thought I would do something like this, but I find that I love it, and I am quite proud of it. Blogging makes me happy. This blog is very close to my heart. Many people in my “real” life don’t know about it. The only person in my family that knows about it is my Mom. NO ONE is Z’s family know about it. (Can you just imagine?? *shudder*) A few old friends (Cat, RoseAnn, Haifa) know, but not many. I am very open on my blog. I don’t hold much of anything back at all. Pretty much what you see is what you get. I’m serious, introspective, funny, SILLY as HELL, cuss a bit, am loving and caring and awfully playful. All the different sides of me come out here. When I’m sad, you know it. When I’m depressed you know it. When I’m happy you know it. When I’m mad… it’s real obvious. When I’m playful… you sure as hell know it! This is my haven. It isn’t all fancy schmancy like I would like it to be….yet. My next plan? (cause you know I HAVE to plan) To move on up to TypePad eventually with my own domain name (Like, once I’m again gainfully employed). Blogger.com sometimes really pisses me off. Ok, frequently pisses me off. Who knows, maybe one day I will end up turning this into a book. I would have to change the names to protect the not-so-innocent, but hey, you never know!
My birthdays cause me to miss my Nana greatly. The only thing worse than my birthday? Christmas. But I know she’s watching over me.
On the upside, and most importantly, I’m relatively healthy with nothing SERIOUSLY wrong (that I know of). Well, excecpt for this dang infection and hacking cough that just won't bugger off!! For a while, I didn’t think I would make it to 30, so to be sitting here almost 33 is quite an accomplishment. I had a rough patch there for a while. But I figure that God must have SOME plan for me, so I’ll know what it is when He is good and ready to let me know.
I have some amazing friends in my life. Old and new. Some that I didn’t have last year. Amazingly some genuinely wonderful people I’ve met by blogging, so my life is richer by having known you. Amalah, Genuiune, Mindy, Chris, Ollie, Hula, Kim, Cheryl b., Saz, Lee, Carrie Jo, Martha, and Leigh. To the rest of you that I might have forgotten to mention, you know who you are! Y’all are “All that AND a bag of chips!!” *triple Zorro snap* Aw what the hell, dip too!
So here I am, alive and kicking in 2004. Please God 2005 is better tho!
I have a feeling that Costrina might just serenade me with the special "Birthday Song" we created when we worked together with Molly. Heheheheheheeeeeee. Did you all know that I can sing "Happy Birthday" in 4 langueages PLUS a very vulgar made-up version too?
Is it too much to want a Pinata? I feel like smacking the crap out of something with a bat. I'll share the candy!