1/07/2005

Oscar-Worthy Moments

It has happened again. Yet another circumstance where I thought to myself: I should blog this. I have to blog THIS!!!

As my regular readers are aware, there is usually some serious drama in my house courtesey of my MIL, Monster. (By the way, that whole "Monster In Law" name? I thought of it. I should sue whomever made that film, dammit!) I'm just the cNN news service that reports it. Think of me as your occasional online news and drama reporter,hmmm?

Now where was I? Oh yes. Oscar-worthy moments.

You see, it would seem that, well, apparently,she is telling everyone that will listen that I'm trying to kill her crazy ass.

What a load of crap. She is not worth the price of my immortal soul, belive you me! Let me start from the beginning.

The other night I was at Az's (the triplets) house with Z visiting and chatting when his mobile rings. Az and Daddy J immediately say "Grandma" since she usually has complete hissyfits when we go ANYWHERE and calls with something or another shreiking and going basically bonkers till Z toddles on home like a good boy. Ugh. Anyway, they were close and half of a cigar. It's Arianna who is at home with Monster and Ari tells him "Grandma fell down in the hall, Siony picked her up from the floor.". So he says " Is anything broken? No. Ok. Good. She's back in her room? Ok, I'm coming". then jumps up saying "My mom fell down" and runs down the street to our house leaving the rest of us staring at each other.

Forgive me (and Az and Daddy J for that matter) for being highly skeptical here, okay?This is an almost nightly thing. She has called with such other Oscar Moments as "I'm seeing black... I'm dyiiiiiiiingggggg..... waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh*click*" etc... (Go on get creative. I'm sure you can all imagine the possibilities. Then again, perhaps not!)

So, left alone together, we are all staring at each other wondering, just what the hell she is up to this time when Az, monsters firstborn grandchild of 14, says looking at me and full of mirth:
" I've fallen,AND I CAN'T GET UPPPPPPPPPPPP" which makes all three of us burst out in laughter.

I just know you are all on edge waiting with baited breath to know if she is ok. So. Yeah. She's ok. Nothing wrong with her. (other than mentally, as usual)

So. Guess how she fell down! Guess where and on WHAT she tripped?

Go on.... guess....

Here, in the hallway where I sit and type to y'all emails and blog posts and do my blog surfing.

She tripped on the inet line that stretches across the hallway into my bedroom on the tile floor. The very same wire that has been here for ONE AND A HALF YEARS that no one else has managed to trip on (and this is with 6 preteen girls playing tag in my house, too!). It is tight to the floor and not something that can be 'tripped on' easily.

Funny thing is... if she tripped on the wire, which runs between and under my computer table and sofa(there is a 3 seater sofa here right next to my computer table and my hallway is not THAT wide-maybe 5ft 3in wide or so) so if she tripped on my end of the sofa, how, may I ask, did she end up on her ass at the far end of the hall at the other end of the sofa AND on the tile instead of tossing her ass on the big comfy sofa right next to her? This is a move worthy of a baseball player sliding in to Home if she's telling the truth, distance wise.

I don't. think. so.

So, basically she is sore and moaning a bit (Az went to go observe and return with a report) but nothing broken or swollen. Just a red mark on her upper arm. So, since her son stayed at home instead of coming back to us, she was generally happy. ie: she got her way.

The best thing is Monster's Oscar performance. Grabbing her hand and arm and limping around.... When Z is around. much moaning and groaning... limping and the like...
when he's not around? she is wandering around FINE.

Anyhow,next morning I wake up and as I exit my bedroom, I notice that MIL has taken my scotch tape and taped the wire to the tile...a really crap job.... putting long lengths of tape every 1/2 or 1/4 inch along the wire. ACROSS THE WIRE, not lengthwise even. HOW CREATIVE. (I should be happy that she didn't find my stash of duct tape, huh?That would look like absolute shit on my eggshell colored tile, now wouldn't it?)

SO, as I'm staring in disbelief at this bang up tape job, Angel the cat comes traipsing by. Yes, if you saw her walk, you would agree that 'traipsing' is the appropriate term, and now she is pregnant, so it's even MORE pronounced.

Angel is pure white, very big, and has big beautiful butterscotch gold eyes and is one of the most intelligent cats I have ever seen. She is the cat I have nicknamed "Homeland Security" because if there is anything or anyone different in the house, she will inspect it in her rounds before she settles down. She is also highly protective of Arianna, much like a guard dog and shadows her incessantly.

Therefore on her rounds, she walks over said wire and past it. Then screeches to a dead halt with her ears cocked, looks back at the floor, turns around and goes STRAIGHT TO THE WIRE AND TAPE. She begins sniffing madly much like a coke addict trying to get a hit and stares at it like "what the HELL?????" looks at me whereupon I tell her "hell if I know!", back down again and then starts..............

TRYING TO RIP UP THE TAPE frantically. I SHIT YOU NOT!!!! (I also believe I told you she is a very intelligent animal, no?)

I collapsed ont the sofa laughing my butt off. (see? It's not that hard to aim for the sofa. I mean, it IS right next to you, not even 6 inches from your body!) I said in between gasping breaths watching Angel's continued efforts to rip the tape up "Even the cat knows that is fucked up and WRONG!WAAAAAAAhhhhhhaaaahahahahahahahahaha".

So, ever since that day, I have watched Monster literally run around the house and lift things and walk perfectly fine (all the while cursing me under her breath, or very loudly) but the nanosecond her son walks in the door? 'Ooyyyyyyyy!!!!! My ARM! MY LEG!!!! Owwwwwww!" with much limping and grabing of arm to hold it close to her body and wincing and whining. I watch this all with utter amazement. Not only I watch this, but Arianna watches it, but the live in Aupair -Siony-we have watches as well. (She is a wonderful lady we have to be here when I'm at work (Yeah, peanut gallery, WHEN I have a job!) or if we want to go out at nights or whatever so Monster is free to go and do what she wants when she wants since she doesn't like watching her grandaughter. The poor lady also helps out watching over Monster and gives her massages for her arthritis and cleans her room for her). So,we all watch this drama unfold in front of our eyes daily with gaping mouths and much shaking of heads. Siony saying quietly to me: "How she is around Z is completely different when he isn't here! I tell you! Neither Arianna nor myself saw her actually fall. And why she didn't land on the sofa? She just started moaning and telling Arianna to call her father."

Z home= Much acting and near death experiences
Z not home= not a damn thing wrong. Even dancing and singing (along with curses)

Siony is very bright and so funny. She also made an interesting observation. She said to me "It's funny, isn't it? She has many children and grandchildren, and they know she 'fell' and even before that, but NONE of them come by or call to see how she is. Even the grandaughter two doors down doesn't come. Only one daughter, N, will call every now and then. Hmmm. Odd." Yeah Siony, no kidding hon. Yeah, funny that.

Now? It has come to my attention that she has told pretty much everyone-yes, that includes Siony,the triplets nannies-all 3 of em!- the neighbors, their housemaids and cooks and gardners, her children- that it was deliberate on my part and that I'm trying to kill her. All this shit for some attention and sympathy that is NOT forthcoming? Sick.

(for the record, no, my spouse does nothing to dispell this rumor and says nothing to her of her incessant slandering of my reputation. He laughs. I even heard him tell one of his friends on the phone that said to him "so, I heard your wife shoved your mom on the floor" and he said 'heh. yeah probably". to which I became higly offended and appalled and said to him as he hung up "How can you let ANYONE joke about me that way? I was not even in the same freaking house when it happened!!!! I was WITH YOU!Why couldn't you just say that?" He just laughed and said "so what, let people think what they want." So, for the record and here on the internet for anyone to see, I say this: NO. I am not trying to off this crazy old bat. ok? I'll let her croak on her own and answer to God, or try to, and I think we all know where this evil thing will end up in the end anyway.)

Oh for Christssake! If I was going to do it:
a) I would have done it ages ago and
b) I would do it RIGHT.

Give me a little credit here, jeez!

So, without further ado, drumroll please!



And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to....................................................................................... MONSTER... for "I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!"


4 comments:

Indigo Wolf said...

Do you have a video camera? If you do, it's time for you to catch her on tape moving around dancing, cursing you, and lifting things and then show it to Z. Not that it will make much of a difference, but maybe someday he'll realize that she's playing him for a fool. Or not.
-Carrie Jo

Catrina said...

OOOOOORRRRRRRRRRR run a bunch of wires from your room and just PRAY that one of the wires has the magic touch!

Anonymous said...

Damn I thought for sure it was a lizard she tripped on!!!!

Scarlett Cyn said...

Just one problem with adding even more wires......

IMAGINE THE AMOUNT OF SCOTCH TAPE ON THE FLOOR THEN!!??!! That would really be too cruel to my hugely, heavily pregnant puddytat Angel, aka "homeland security".

Shit. That's a whole lotta tape.

And the lizard? Don't I wish? Cause that would cause a coronary! heh. She hates em more than I do.