I just read something on the internet. Again. Where I usually go, on CNN.com, bless their informative hearts. About rats being bilingual.
What the hell?
Rats? Bilingual? There are HUMANS that can't manage to be bilingual, but rats are? That.is.just. wrong.
But beyond my shock at this amazing find is the thought that rolled through my head next….
What genius decided to SEE IF RATS COULD BE BILINGUAL? Well, His name is Juan, for starters. Imagine the lab conversation between two scientists, hmmm? Juan says: "Hey Jorge! I've been thinking…. I wonder if Mickey, this little rat here, or Speedy, the other one, could possibly be bilingual. I've got 62 other male rats we could play with right over here! Why don't we actually DO A STUDY? Wouldn't that be so damn cool?"
Jorge replies: "Yes Juan, just as soon as I take another hit of CRACK, lets do a study to see if they communicate in different languages. I mean, who needs to find a cure for AIDS or Cancer anyway? Let's check out the rats communication skills! YEEAH!"
Juan: "How about we try, oh say, Dutch and Japanese?"
Jorge: "Muy Bien AMIGO!"
And they went on to do scientific studies of the male rats. (Why no females, fellas?) Look at what they did:
The rats were trained to respond to either Dutch or Japanese using food as a reward
Well, DUH! HELLO???????????? These were ADULT MALE RATS. OF course you could get them to respond for food as a reward. It probably would have worked just as well if you had also showed them rat porn or PLAYRAT as a reward. Give me a break.
Next they will probably check the females and reward them with, oh I don't know, shoes? Pretty jewelry? Very expensive handbags? (Hee heee)
Isn't it nice to know that rats are ranked right up there with humans and monkeys?
Actually, it's kind of depressing.
I suppose next they will say Lizards are bilingual too. Ugh.