Dazed and Confused

Last night I was staring at my little blisterpac of Progluyton. (For those of you that don't know what that is, it's a little pill I have to take every day to keep my cycle regular. Kind of like a birth control pill, but NOT!)I've got 5 more pills left,including today's, then followed by 6-7 days of waiting for AF to show up. That's when the "fun" begins.

Heh. Heh. Uh-huh.

I am not as psychotically obsessed with this IVF cycle as with the previous three. At least so far I'm not.There is still a good week to go. I mean, next week should be a blast with my PMS well and truly kicking in, no?

But for right now... I am, well, kind of numb about it all. It strikes me as damn odd, but, I can't seem to get worked up about it. I'm numb in a way like when you are at the Dentist (one of my most hated places to be BTW) and they give you the blocking shots to have a really nasty cavity filled. You get numb, and can't feel much of anything, but are still distantly aware of the pressure of the drill,, well that and the horrid sound of it and the smell of the tooth being dug out.*gag,heave* Anyhoo, that's kind of how I feel.

Maybe I'm just, sub-conciously afraid to get all "into it" again. That as long as I don't get my hopes up, I won't get my heart broken as badly if/when it doesn't work. Maybe I'm hoping that I won't have to get so depressed when my daughter looks at me, all almost 10 years old, and says so sad looking "Mama, why can't you bring me a brother or...SISTER? I really want a sister. A little sister is what I really want!", looking at me because, for another month,yet again, I've let her down.

This really gets to me more than you can imagine. I remember feeling exactly the same way. Saying the exact same thing to my Mom. Almost daily, like a routine. My poor Mama. More than anything I wanted a little sister.Innocently I would harass her again and again, not knowing that my Dad forced her to have 2 abortions saying "I don't want any more kids!! I have 4 already!" (3 from his first wife, who are all 17 +yrs older than me and I barely knew them...their Mom was being nasty...so I only knew the middle one, Joey, cause he lived with us when I was a baby/toddler..he was more trouble than his mother could handle, so my mom took him on so he could be under the firm, hard-ass hand of Dad.)No matter that my Mom told him "but I just have one." No. It had to be Dad's way and no one could have it any other way than his. It wasn't that they couldn't afford another child. My parents were pretty well off. Not so-filthy-you-fart-money-rich, but a helluva lot more than comfortable. Dad just didn't want any more. My Mom has regretted this her whole life. I see how my mom suffers with me, her only child, all the way over on the other side of the world, along with her only grandchild. I still wish that I had a little sister, or brother somewhere on the planet, but I don't. I don't want to think of Arianna feeling like I have my whole life, so I suppose this IVF is as much for her as it is for me. I know I'm blessed to have her. But I am a stubborn little shit, and when I put my moind to something, I don't give up until it is 100% mine or 100% beyond hope of ever achieving.

Don't get me wrong, I'm trying to be positive and psych myself out for this upcoming attempt.... but, that fear is lurking. What is even more worrying.... maybe it's becoming some weird type of NORMAL to me.

Now THAT is some freaky shit right there, isn't it?

Hopefully I'll be better tomorrow.