Wand Monkey Strikes Again
Scarlett sings: Where do I begin… to tell the story of what the wand monkey did to me…… a tale that seems as never-ending as the sea…… where do I staarrrrt????? (Did ya recognize the tune?? Huh? Didya?)
Ah, yet again, it was a case of, Wham! Bam! Get up now mam! But let me start at the beginning, shall I? Cause it’s a HOOT!
I was punctual, as usual. Wand Monkey as usual… wasn’t. I went roaming at will around the clinic. It was like a ghost town. I couldn’t find a damn person. I realize it was only 20 minutes after it reopened from lunch break, but Jeez! Wandered back to the front desk and chose a victim to go hunt down some IVF Clinic staff for me. Man am I stupid. I picked the girl I’d never seen before. Gave her a big… I mean BIG smile and then…………rolled my eyes heavenward, praying for patience as the new girl asked me my name……..8- yes EIGHT- times. Even with the other nurses from other departments saying “HI CYN!!!, get Doctor WAnd Monkey for her…” each of these times. Finally new girl comes back, says “doctor has a patient…. Have a seat on the sofa someone will be out to get you.” Ok. Fine. I sit. And sit….. and sit… and sit some more. Im getting damn irritated. I count the ceiling tiles. I watch with interest across the hall through a door the technicians playing with the new hospital beds that I probably helped pay for.(What??? They were nice!) But after a while… even that got boring… I could hear the muzac playing softly. Did I mention how comfy that sofa is I’m sitting on?? No? Bad Cyn. Its’ SOOOOOOOOOOO damn comfortable. In other circumstances that would be a good thing. Not when it’s hot, you’re bored,…there’s classical muzac playing softly…..and a comfy sofa underneath your butt. Did I mention the lighting is soft too? Not that harsh florescent lighting, Oh no! They left me on the sofa for half an hour.
You guessed it… I started getting drowsy. Real drowsy. I kept fighting it, but I am pretty sure that I dozed off once or twice, not positive, but I have a hunch. So FINALLY a nurse came to get me, and guess what?? It wasn’t Ditzy Lucy either! Wooo hooo! It is one of my favorites from the ward on loan for the week! (thank you God!)It's Nurse Lovely!Yaay! We walk in to Doc’s (aka wand monkey)office. He barely looks up, says hi,,, and keeps on typing on his computer. I sit. Wait for him to finish. Consider asking him if he would like to dictate to me and I will type it since I type 85wpm… so I can GET THE HELL ON WITH MY APPOINTMENT ALREADY. But I don’t. I stare at him intently. Nurse lovely puts my new chart on the desk. It has the blood work results on there from the other day. Still he keeps typing and says “just a minute”. I count to 10. Twice. AHA! I know. I ‘ll look at my chart. That will piss him off.. cause he HATES THAT! I snatch the chart off his desk and start looking at what’s scribbled down. His head whips up and I see him hit Enter…. HARD. Heh heh heh. He gives me “the” look and holds out his hand. I give it back cursing at him in my head and smile. He clears his throat a few times and mutters “mmmmm” “umm hmmmmm”. “Hmmmmm”. I say ”Well? Howz it?” “Fine” he says. Then he says “So, you’ve already started taking your Dostinex (for prolactin levels)” I said “No, how could I? It wasn’t prescribed.” “Yes it was” “No… It WASN”T. If you had prescribed it, Issac (pharmacist) would have given it to me and charged me for it. It wasn’t in the computer for him to give me.” “Oh. Ok. Well, I’ll give you now then.” (me,: sigh) He brightens up… “But you have your Gonal F?” I said “YUP! In the fridge here” and he continues to say: “Good, good. And you have your Decapeptrl also, hmmm?” I look to lovely nurse in shock like “is he FUCKING JOKING?” and then I look at him and say….”NOOOOOOOOOOOO. You said you weren’t using that this cycle! You were using whatchamacallit… the one that cuts the LH level like magic…” and he looks at the chart… “ah yes, it’s here, I didn’t see that at first”. I look deep in his eyes, serious as a heart attack and say quietly “you realize you are scaring the hell out of me, right?” He says “no, it’s fine… just go to the Ultrasound room now and I’ll be in a moment.” I get all excited (sad, isn’t it?) cause the machine is NEW and I tell him so. I shoot out of his office to go “assume the position”.
Mmmm, new machine is nicccce. Cool. I look around for a place to “remove everything from waist down”. This room is small. Damn small. So small in fact that with the U/S machine and the bed side by side I had to turn sideways and inch along the wall to get to the stripping area. No curtain. Just great. I put my purse down. Look around to see if I have a hook to hang things or a chair to place them. No hook. No chair. Well damn. Shit shit shit. I take them off at light speed, fold them as quick as possible and dump them on my purse. Turn around bare assed and, with thighs clamped together to prevent any spillage, sidle on past the lovely new machine. Nurse lovely is giggling like a loon by this point, and quite frankly I don’t blame her. I hop up on the table and the stirrups are different now too! Oh how exciting! It’s the ones that support the back of your thighs as your ass hangs off the edge of the table. I like these kind! Nurse lovely says “you want a sheet?” and I look at the door opposite my spread legs and say “yes, that would be nice, thank you” and she proceeds to place a sheet a little bigger than a kitchen towel over my nether regions. Ah, yes, that makes SUCH a difference. Then she looks and says :”move a little lower down… yes, that’s it.” I tell her “honey, any lower and I’ll be on the floor.” Then… I lay there. For. A. while. I swing my legs in gentle circles in the stirrups, and look down at my brightly pedicured toes idly swinging in the air from time to time. I stare at the ceiling.. and tell Nurse L “you know, we need some posters up here” I say pointing up. She said what do you mean? I said, “You know, Sean Connery, Mel Gibson, Hugh Jackman… Some hot men to stare at while on here. She agrees with my idea and makes a few suggestions. We decide on a collage. I think she has a thing for Hugh Grant. Anyhoooo…. Suddenly I hear the door, and feel a hand on my foot. OH NO! It’s Nurse Lucy (the ditzy one!). She scared the shit out of me. She said something to N. Lovely and lifted the ‘Sheet” looked at me, and put it down, then walked out. But something is wrong this time. I feel a draft. I peer through my open knees and notice that……….
SHE LEFT THE FUCKING DOOR OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, the door that is DIRECTLY. Opposite. The. Table. I start stuttering… “um, Nurse L, um, uh uh uh uh Ddddddoooorrrrr. Cccloseitttt….” She gasps “OH!” and runs over to shut it. 2 minutes later… dum dum returns.. and leaves the door open again…. “SHUT IT!” I squeak out. She shuts it. Nurse lovely starts playing with my hair, stroking it.. and I get sleepy again… Lucy the dingbat is checking out my toe polish color. We are all waiting for the Wand Monkey. He comes flying in through a side door (all 6’5 and a half of him making the room seem even smaller that it is.) I didn’t know existed and scares 5 years off my life. I almost fall off the table.
In true wand monkey style, he takes up the wand, jamms it home as I curse silently and fluently at him in my head and proceeds to: Shift it into 1st gear. Then straight to 4th. Down and over into reverse (im yelping “HEY! WATCH IT!!!” by this time)and back up to 2nd. Then he yanks it out and says “FINISHED!” I ask cause Im obviously begging for it…”So, how does everything look? All OK?” and he says on the way out. “Fine. Same as usual” and leaves. I look at Lucy and Lovely and say “now what the hell is that supposed to mean? He can’t even remember what drugs he’s giving me this time!?” Well shit. I turn to see that Lovely is holding my pants that were folded with my pretty black lace edged panties and requisite equipage attached and they are not folded nicely anymore. F. U. C. K- M.E. They are all twisted around. dammit. Sigh.
On the bright side, by this time I realized that Nurse Lovely is one of my favorite injection givers, all things considered. She is relatively painless and has a gentle touch. As she gave me my injection (right cheek, thank you very much) I told her over and over how much I love her for not hurting me. See, Nurse Lucy likes to pretend my lily-white ass is a DARTBOARD. Then guess what I find out as I leave to go pick up the medicine that he THOUGHT I had already started? I say “see you tomorrow for my injection” and she gives me a sad smile and says “I’m off for the next two days”.