Oh no she didn't!!??(I'm afraid, yes, she did!)
Last night I was in the process of mentally constructing a lovely post on my blog. It was going to be really funny, a clever little anecdote, I seem to remember. But all that changed while reading the “tickertape” news at the bottom of the screen on CNN. What I read made my blog entry completely erase from my brain, which really sucks monkey butt (baboon variety to be precise). Guess what I read? Can you? Are you equally FLOORED and laughing hysterically like me? I bet you are. I read this:
“OSCAR WINNING ACTRESS GWENNETH PALTROW GIVES BIRTH TO BABY GIRL NAMED APPLE BLYTHE ALLISON MARTIN”.
Huh?WTF??!!?? Apple? Like, as in APPLE PIE apple? As in the fruit????? OH-MY-GOD! That poor little baby Apple. I’d love to know what the HELL possessed Gwen to name her poor kid Apple. Nice little Jewish girl like Gwen names her kid THAT?? Blythe is nice, after Gwen’s mama, Allison is pretty too….. Why not Allison Blythe Apple Martin? Oh Lord is that kid in for HELL for the next…… 20 years at least! Can you imagine her in Kindergarten? Primary School? I mean, kids can be EVIL. All your mama and daddy’s millions isn’t going to save you from the wagging tongues of the vicious little kids at school, little Apple.
Gee Gwen, why not Pear? Banana? Grape? Melon? Cherry? Guava? Mango? Plum? *shudder*. Maybe she is saving those for future children. Then she can have a fruit salad. (hardee har har)
That is just…. Sad. Yes, with a capital “S”. Typically I don’t comment on what anyone names their child… unless it is truly horrid…..like, oh, lets give an example here……… APPLE! or Hurricane. (Dave Stewart from Eurythmics- remember them?- named his son Hurricane Joe ages ago.)
I promise you ALL right here & now….. that when I get pregnant (notice not “if” but “when”.. I’m trying to be positive here!) I SWEAR to you ALL that I will not name my child some godforsaken name like APPLE. I have pretty normal names picked out. Promise. Names like Aidan and Connor for boy’s names. Anya (Aine- Gaelic spelling) for a girl. (Yes, Irish names this time around!) See? No fruit names. That there is some freaky shit, fruit names.
You can say I’m overreacting if you want, but I defy you to tell me you weren’t shocked when you heard it too.
Go on, try and lie to me.