Today's Hissyfit

Now this is more like it.

The "Holy shit I'm going to go through another cycle of IVF" is kicking in. I was kinda wondering when it would, ya know? Then the eternal "What if it doesn't work again?" and "Why the hell DIDN'T it work the last 3 times??" I'm trying to be positive, I truly am. But to be really honest, I'm not worried it won't work....... no. Uh-huh. I'm TERRIFIED out of my fucking mind.

Poor Z. He tries to be sooooooo optimistic. Well so do I. But. I KNOW he's it trying to keep my spirits up. He's a sweetie. But, I think it would work better if he wasn't giving me that pitiful look when he was doing it. It would also help if he didn't look like I told him to decapitate himself when he has to go pay for the IVF package.

I feel guilty. Cause the problem is me. I have to wonder exactly what the hell is going on inside me after these embryo transfers. I really do. I just can't understand why the hell it hasn't worked. So many of the ladies out there have much worse medical reasons for it not working, things they are up against, yet it works for them.

Me, I respond extremely well-I'm very sensitive to the meds at least-, I typically get about 30 follicles per stim cycle of injectibles. Usually about half are big enough on trigger day to give some hope. I don't necessarily get that many "viable" (I hate that damn word) eggs when they are all aspirated though. Beut HEY! something is better than nothing, right? They(it) fertilize. Great. The embryologist tells me, each time, that I have "excellent", "Perfect!" or "beautiful" embryos just waiting to be transferred on ET day. My uterus is absolutely fine. not tilted, bent, or whatever. It's fucking Fabulous. Transfer goes fine. I rest. I wait 1 week.... the 2 weeks..... I feel like absolute shit with severe OHSS pain during this time...and I wait..........then I find out that it was all for nothing. It didn't work. Again.

Why? I get the answer from my DOCTOR that he really, if he were THAT smart,would NEVER say to me.... I Don't Know. Well shit. shit. shit. Excuse me, but if he dosen't know, what the hell can I DO!? To give him credit, he looks just as stupefied as I do when I think about it. I mean, our expressions are identical. That's bad. I put my trust in him, give all the money I can scrape together....... and HE DOSN'T KNOW??? He tells me that "It should have worked." *Buzzer sounds* WRONG ANSWER! I could get violent.

Being surrounded by pregnant people or people that have just given birth doesn't help much. Especially when they are nagging. Especailly the one pregnant with triplets. HELLO! You have a maid AND a nanny and are getting ready for the 2nd nanny to come soon. SHUT THE FUCK UP. I would KILL to be in such a situation. Well, almost kill. You get the idea.

Cyn's having a bad day today......