It's probably in my DNA
Yup, I've come to this conclusion that this twisted apeshit sense of humor HAS to be genetic. Well, I mean, it's not as if I wasn't sure before or anything, cause both sides of my family are pretty much a blast, but still. I think my first hint should have been when I was an infant. My Dad used to sit in his recliner after work,let me lay on his chest on my back, and allow me to wiggle my toes in his handlebar moustache.This I did until I got too big, but at least till I was about 2 1/2, as far as I can remember. 2nd hint should have been Dad and Brother Joey speaking to me with a Donald Duck voice whenever the mood struck. Yup, that really should have done it. Dad is silly. Brother is silly. Mama is a crack up too! Actually, Mama does so many things (we are SOOOO ALIKE) I don't know where to begin. But she is a blast. Even now, she does hilarious things, like when she came to vist for Christmas 2002. She was copying Michael Jackson dancing and grabbing his crotch for Arianna making the "tee-heee heeeee, WHOOOOOO!!!" noise along with it. Arianna STILL thinks about it and collapses into hysterics. Between Mama and Dad, I don't know who is worse. I think maybe it's a tie. Everyone in my family is pretty funny. Well, I was worried about my Dad's sister, cause her sense of humor was, well, different if non-existant. I thought maybe it was sucked out of her over the last 30 years she's been an astro-physicist for NASA. I mean, why would you need a sense of humor to work at NASA? It's all *shudder* NUMBERS and stuff.*gag, retch*(can you tell I hate math?) I was worried actually cause my NANA,(her mom) God rest her soul, was the queen of funny, and such a smart ass too! (In my family, we call that intelligence,not sarcasam-get it??). Yup, I was concerned.
Well, at least until I got my email today. I just had to share this with y'all. I've been there, done that and some more. Now I know she's just as wacked as the rest of us. Check out my Aunt's genius. Oh, she is a cat-person too.(I love all animals excecpt reptiles and incects) I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes.
How to Give a Cat a Pill:
(1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
(2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in right arm (to avoid wound on left arm) and repeat process.
(3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
(4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in best arm, holding rear paws tightly with hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
(5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
(6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill, put down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
(7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
(8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow through straw.
(9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
(10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
(11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
(12) Call fire department to retrieve the fucking cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
(13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
(14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
(15) Call local pet shop to see if they have any guinea pigs.
How to Give a Dog a Pill:
(1) Wrap it in bacon. Drop on the floor
It would be even funnier if it all wasn't so true.