1/23/2005

Rain and Rambling

I find that suddenly, sitting here in front of my monitor, hands in position on the keyboard (yes, I type properly!), I have completely forgotten what I had planned on writing about. It was actually going to be a good post. It just kind of… went on vacation I suppose. Wish I could go on vacation. Heh.

Well, when I am at 'War' with life, or trying to work out the best strategy regardless of the particularly crappy hand I've been dealt, whatever the case may be, I tend to do that every now and then. You know, misplace my thoughts. Stress does effect my concentration in the worst way sometimes which really irritates me more than you can imagine. I usually have a frightfully sharp memory; so much so that a number of very dear people that know me very well say my mind is like a steel trap. Even taking that into consideration, why I am surprised about my brilliant (ha!) posts' departure from my mind is completely beyond me. Things are kind of messed up at present.

Perhaps it is the soothing sound of rain falling outside that made my thoughts drift away. The rain is a bit heavy tonight and it is so nice to hear. I've always loved the sound of rain and, well moving water in general. We don't usually get a great deal of rain here- not more than four or five days a year- so this year is a real exception to the 'rule', so to speak and I'm enjoying it for what it's worth.

I was over at the triplets' house when it started. Thankfully I had a big scarf with me to throw over my head, but to be honest? I didn't drape it all that carefully on the way back to my house walking. It was kind of nice feeling the fat raindrops hitting my nose, wetting my lips and eyelashes. I was frankly more concerned about slipping and falling flat on my backside than getting a little wet in the rain the length of time it would take me to walk down the street two houses. Scarlett fall go boom! No. Not if I can help it.

To think that this time last year I had such hope and a bright outlook for the future. I was trying to get over yet another IVF failure, yet busily planning another try, try number 3. I was busily praying to God above that it would work THIS time. Little did I know it wouldn't and IVF 4 would be cancelled after weeks of hell and hope! In the back of my mind, I plan for IVF 5 when better days arrive and things are more stable. Well, I suppose I am nothing if not tenacious. It helps me survive to go on. Well that and, I suppose, the ticking of my biological clock.

Its funny that Z and I both started new jobs, GOOD jobs with great salaries, benefits and excellent potential (or so we thought) within a month or so of each other last year. Both offers were dropped unexpectedly in our laps. I wasn't looking for a job, I was quite content where I was. The salary could have been better, but it was balanced out by a fantastic boss. The new job offer for me was a 62% salary increase with benefits and annual guaranteed bonus with great working hours. I mean make a pro & con list… its pretty obvious I should give it a shot, and so I did. The new boss was a friend of my fantastic boss and literally stole me from him. Six months later they decided to phase out my position entirely in order to cut corners due to upcoming complete privatization. As an expatriate worker (and the only westerner), I was completely expendable, obviously.

What is funny is that that was almost the exact same reason Z has lost his 'new' job.

I've been looking for jobs ever since. The market for Western women in my field is up and down. I have worked my ass off for the last 13 years or so to reach the senior level and gain the experience I have. Now? Now I hear I'm OVERQUALIFIED. *gag, retch* Give a girl a damn break, willya?

Even so, I figured with a little time (hopefully not TOO MUCH) and patience I would find a good job for myself. Thankfully Z was working and had a good job. I didn't have to worry about a roof over my head or food for my child too much. We could manage and squeeze by even without my salary somehow for the time being.

Then on December 16 we found out about the government loan for the house. WOW! I thought perhaps this was the sign I was waiting for. Even without me working, we could still find and get a house. A house was a real goal for both of us. It is one of the many reasons we moved here. For a fresh start.

Three weeks later I find out Z has been given 30 days notice at work and for basically the same reason I had been let go! Talk about feeling like your world is crashing down! Ok, maybe despair is more like it.

We will get back on our feet again, eventually. I'm like a cat that way. Hopefully sooner than later. But sometimes I feel like I've used up waaaaay too many of my 9 lives!

Not that I don't have hopes. I do. If you lose all of your hope, you die. If you don't have dreams, you have nothing. Even if you attain dreams and goals, they need to be replaced by others. I also know that friends – true friends - are as valuable as pure gold or the most flawless and rare of diamonds. Perhaps worth even more. You also find out who your real friends are when you are down, at your lowest point.

I have found this out – painfully – the hard way… several times.

There are people I truly believed to be genuine friends that, when the chips were down, were incommunicado quicker than you could blink. This is doubly painful for me as I pride myself on being a very good and accurate judge of character and the few times I misjudge really bothers me.

It pisses me off too. I don't give my true friendship so easily. I do make friends easily or acquaintances, but true friends? It depends on what I see of the person because when I give my love and loyalty to someone and they are my friend, they are in my heart, and that is IT. I am always there for them if they need me, even if only to make them smile for a minute or two. If I don't come through for someone when they need me, then it was physically impossible for me to do so. I am never too busy for someone if they truly need me, even if only for a little chat or they need someone to listen or advice. I make the time.

In my book friends are friends through thick and thin, through good and bad, rich or poor. A friendship is like a marriage. It is give and take. Not all give on one side and take on the other. It's a damn shame not everyone believes that.

It bothers me when I am judged based on what others might say (same is true for my whole Monster situation when she talks also!) about me without knowing the truth, or at least both sides of things. I tend to confront. I like to get to the bottom of things. And I know when I've been backstabbed, also. I can feel it. If I hear that someone has said this or that, I tend to go to the person and ask why they felt the need to say that. It is interesting to watch people try and squirm and lie their way out of their troublemaking and compounding their lies when confronted with the proof of their actions. I've been accused every now and then of not being genuine in my actions because of how I am by people that are not like me at all. That is just.... lame.

Z tells me sometimes that my problem is expecting of others what I expect of myself. I hate to admit it, but maybe he is right. He also says I forgive too easily, I'm way too nice and giving and I give second chances when they are probably not deserved.

He is probably right about that too. But I just can't bring myself to be a cold asshole. It isn't who I am. I am loyal to those I love and am extremely protective of the people that fall into that category. If you hurt someone I care for, you have just made an enemy of me for life. I'm a helper. I'm a giver. I forgive. But I'm NOT a doormat. I do have my limits.

It doesn't make it hurt any less though.

Perhaps he says that because that is the code he lives by. If someone burns him, watch out. (Catrina knows him and can vouch for what I say!) He doesn't believe in second chances (unless it's giving his blood family a 300th chance. But that's neither here nor there) On his enemy list is a place I would never want to be. He can be devious and vicious in the extreme when he is out for revenge. Hence my nickname for him of Stealth Bomber. He comes in under the radar when you least expect it, and you don't even realize he's dropped the bomb of his revenge on you till it's on your head!

But that is not me. Perhaps my Mama said it best: "My girl is happiest when she is making others around her happy, and she has been that way ever since she was a little child. If she cares for you, you can expect 200% all the time from her and she is happy to give it, gladly. Because if you are happy, she is happy."

That's not such a bad way to be, is it?

I think I'll go listen to the rain a little more and let it hopefully lull me to sleep. I could use some proper sleep.

Good Night.

2 comments:

Catrina said...

This may sound corny, but I don't think I ever told you this, Cyn. When we were in high school, we didn't really know each other, but I knew that I wanted to be your friend because you had a certain radiance about you. I especially noticed it when we were in the play Oklahoma together, and you played one of the leads and I was in the ensemble. You put EVERYTHING into your role. I really looked up to you. You always carried yourself so well. Such great posture! Then I got the job at the restaurant and there you were! You made me feel so welcomed when I started there...Like we had been friends for years! (And you know girls aren't usually like that) Well thanks Cyn! I really miss you a lot. I don't think a day goes by where I don't think of you guys. I hope that you'll be able to visit very soon.

Haifa said...

Hey Goozy

Thanks for being a friend, I know I haven't been there when you needed one but I'm sure you know my reasons (work/uni).

Once I finish my diploma I'll have more free time.

I always think about how nice would it have been if we both worked for BSE together ;o)

But everything happens for a reason.

Thanks for being a friend Keeny

Love, Haifa