This post will be in response to a comment I received from Mare the other day. It might just possibly get some reader's panties in a bunch. Actually, it probably will. But Mare touched on a topic that I've actually considered writing about for a while now and I really want to reply to it. I was actually flattered that Mare was wondering what I would think about this situation that has obviously gotten her irritated and wanting to comment to the person concerned. So, I'll give my two cents worth.

Besides, it's my blog and I can write whatever the hell I want! La la la la la la la la la. See above? Under the blog name? It says I've got an opinion and I'm going to share it. Because sharing is caring. Heh.

So then. This is Mare's comment regarding a 17 year old friend of her little sister's who has gotten herself knocked up.

"…I'd just love to tell her that babies aren't fun, babies are work, and that being special when you're pregnant just makes it all the sadder when nobody gives a damn about you after the baby's born (I've heard young girls like that will get pregnant for the attention), but then I figure, it's too late for her so why say anything. Then I was wondering what you'd think about it, but I really don't know why."

Well Mare, I couldn't agree with everything you said more; perhaps the only difference is I think babies are also fun.

They are amazing, although you are totally right about them being work, and lots of it, but they are also oh so much fun. I adore babies. They are not fun in the way that a baby doll is fun and I really don't think that the majority of 17 year olds are ready enough or mature enough or responsible enough to become parents. There is ONE very special exception to this rule that I have seen with my own two eyes and that would be my friend Catrina who posts here on my blog. Cat got pregnant when she was 18 and I must say, she really was/is the most amazing, dedicated and wonderful mother. I am so very proud of her and the beautiful daughter she has raised who is now 13! But Cat is a rare exception to the rule. Then again, she was very mature for her age and always very responsible too. Her younger sister also got pregnant young and at the time, she was not an ideal mother. I know for a fact that her irresponsibility for her child drove Catrina bonkers a big part of the time. Now then.

I have KNOWN young girls that want to get pregnant just for the attention or thinking that it would trap a boyfriend into staying with them. *shakes head* and that is just plain ridiculous. I had a friend throughout High School that thought this way and half the time I wanted to shake her senseless. After graduation, she did end up getting pregnant and was a very dedicated mother to her 3-4 kids (last I saw) but I was extremely thankful that she didn't get pregnant in school. She wanted the attention. Craved it. And was forever caressing her abdomen wishing for a baby. (Ok, never mind that I do that whole caressing/wishing thing sometimes now- I’m 33 and infertile! HELLO! Slight difference, no? Yeah!) She even had phantom pregnancies. Yes, my slapping urge was still strong.

Actually, my slapping urge is still strong… in particular for the mom of the triplets I mention so often, for instance.

Those babies are more of something to brag about and get attention for, it seems, and not only to me, either. Neither the mom or father spend much time with them. Minutes at a time is all. I've never seen them spend more than 5 minutes with their triplets and I'm over there a LOT. Half the time when I go over, I say hello and go straight to their room and end up playing with the babies for 30-40 minutes at least. She has 3 nannies/maids and the babies cry for the nannies when their mom holds them, whenever that is. Yet she brags about being Supermom all the time, having triplets and a 3 year old. "I'm a Supermom!" (me: *gagging*)When I see only the 3 year old getting any attention at all. She only bathes the triplets, and that is about it excecpt for telling anyone who will listen that she has triplets and a 3 year old blah blah blah. She leaves work at 3 in the afternoon and has loads of time to spend with them but doesn't. My hand itches frequently. When they were sick, I would take care of them. And when the youngest of them developed a chest infection, even the nannies commented on the fact that I noticed it and insisted on the doctor's visit, not the child's mother. I'm sorry, but a supermom is a woman that works, does laundry, cleans the house, cooks, and takes care of the kids. Especially a supermom of 4 kids under 3. Not someone with 3 nannies/maids to cook, clean, do laundry, stay up with the kids when they are sick and crying all night, dress them, bathe them usually, play with them and feed them and make fresh baby food daily and keep them on a strict time schedule. I've heard her, on the few times she takes them out, come back from an excursion to the mall and say "wow, I feel like such a celebrity!". This is someone that craves attention normally. *sits on hand*

Attention and bragging rights. Talk about being pregnant for the wrong reason. I've seen women get pregnant for some very screwed up reasons.

Now for my–probably- very controversial comments, as if what I've already said wasn't bad enough. I am speaking my mind, and from the view of a woman that adores children, is a very dedicated mother, and a woman that has suffered reproductive problems for her whole adult life and cannot get pregnant without medical intervention. Is everyone ready? God I hope so.

Now I am speaking generally, and, before anyone pipes up, religious beliefs aside.

Teenagers should not be getting pregnant at all. If they are going to have intercourse, they should ALWAYS use a condom. Not just to prevent pregnancy, but for other STD's as well. For their health. Both of them.

I do not believe there is any such thing as an 'accidental' or unplanned pregnancy. Not. At. All. The only real 'oopsy' accidental pregnancy is ONLY, ONLY, ONLY!(!) in the case of rape victims. Seriously, here's a newsflash: If you are having sex, unprotected on either side-male or female- there is no accident. You had sex and guess what? You COULD get pregnant. Funny how that works, huh? Duhhhhh. If you don't want a (or another) baby? Figure something out, pronto. Before you get horizontal and all aroused and mindless, hmmmm? Or just. don't. do. it.

I think I've mentioned it before. I worked with a newlywed here for a few years. Within 2 months she was pregnant and WHINING CONSTANTLY. I mean incessantly. But up until her pregnancy, she was regaling us all with how much sex they were having. ALL THE DAMN TIME. I'm serious. She would stroll in late to work and say "sorry I 'm late. We were having sex…. Again". (gee, thanks for sharing honey.) Then she kept saying after she was preggers, "How can I be pregnant? I don't want to be pregnant! It's too soon!!!!!! I'm not READY TO BE A MOM!" over and over again. Finally one day, I had heard enough of this and I kind of snapped and said "Look N, if you didn't want to be pregnant, then you should have kept your legs shut! You're pregnant now because you were doing it like rabbits and not using anything to prevent it and you are obviously fertile. Of COURSE YOU GOT PREGNANT!" She looked at me and said "yeah, huh?". Now granted, this was during one of my IVF trials that failed, and she knew it, but still! Jeez.


Now for my next comment, please remember that I have fertility issues, ok?

Regarding sterilization. Lots of people have children and then decide they don't want any more. I envy people like this, I really do. People that get pregnant practically by breathing on each other. Ok, perfectly understandable. They are married (or not. whatever) and decide enough is enough. The woman just doesn't want to carry any more children. Fine. I have seen it time and again. My question is this? Why is it they insist on the MAN getting fixed? I personally don't agree with this. This is why.

If a woman really doesn't want to carry any more children and would really like to be getting it on with no protection, then why not tie her tubes? In the long run, this is much easier should people change their minds later on. How so you may wonder? Believe me, I've thought this out. Pay attention now.

If a man ties his tubes, this really affects his sperm amount and quality and motility. Forever. Say later he and his wife change their minds and want to have one last child or he remarries? Can you say nightmare? There is not a shit lot the doctors can do with poor quality, sluggish low count sperm. Sure it only takes one, but….. (I have seen a couple I know here going through this. It's her first marriage, but late in life, and she has reproductive issues, on top of this, it is his SECOND marriage, he has children by the first wife, and he got fixed. Now he wants a child with this second wife, but they have a double problem now. His sperm count, which was amazing before, is almost non-existent now. Very low count, low motility, low quality. Just. LOW.) They keep trying, doing IVF, but his sperm count is really not helping things at all. He told Z that he really regrets his decision those years ago. It seemed like the right one at the time, but now? Not so much.

Lets put the tied tubes on the other foot, shall we?

If the woman tied her tubes, it would essentially make her reproductive tract like MINE! Ie: no babies unless you worked your ass off for it and paid through the teeth to get one. Lots of nookie and no baby to show for it. Isn't that basically what they want? Lots of sex with no consequences? La la la la la la la mmmmmm. A woman who is of childbearing age could always do IVF if she wanted another baby at a later time. That way the fallopian tubes don't come into play at all and are totally unnecessary. Plus, you would REALLY have to want another baby to go the whole IVF route anyway, and it would therefore be a very planned, very wanted pregnancy.

I'm speaking as a woman with fertility issues, but who has a child. So it is not bitter barrenness speaking so much.

So I say this: If a couple doesn't want any more children than the ones they have, the woman should seriously consider tying her tubes. (I'm probably going to get serious hate mail for this one, I swear!) It really is the easiest one to undo successfully…. Just in case, because… well, you never know what the future holds in store for you, now do you? Now doesn't that make sense?

Now. For those women who whine (within my earshot, anyway) about getting pregnant so easily "oh, my husband just LOOKS at me and I'm pregnant! I hate it" I have one last thing to say to them.

Shut. The. Hell. Up. You. Lucky. Goddamn. Cow. It is a blessing to be able to get pregnant and that you are be able to do so easily. There are lots and LOTS of women out there just like me who would LOVE to be able to get pregnant and who go through holy hell to just try. Mental and physical hell, over and over again.

Well Mare, how is that for a reply honey? God help anyone that wants to pick my brain, huh?


Mare_Imbrium said...

Wow, I'm flattered too. A whole post about a comment of mine! :)

Let me clarify about babies and work: I agree that babies are fun. Well, maybe I agree that babies can be fun. But in between that fun and even during it, babies are work. I like how Tertia described it as the relentlessness of responsibility. You're always "on." That takes getting used to and I'm sure is especially difficult for teenagers, who are in a part of life that is pretty darn responsibility free.

Which is why, to comment on something you said further along, I would never begrudge any woman who was frightened that she wasn't ready to be a mother. I wanted my baby very much and I know I thought about it more than once while I was pregnant. I had a lot of guilt about it too, like I shouldn't be at all frightened or nervous because I had chosen for this to happen. I don't think all my guilt was warranted. Having a baby is big life change, one of those that you won't understand how it will change you until it has happened, no matter how many people you ask or how much you read about it. So I think if anybody (even if they worked their asses off for it like so many of the brave women in this blogging community) feels at all scared about the prospect, well, it's to be expected.

But I agree that I have no patience for anybody who wonders "how did this happen?"

Also, to the contrary to your bracing yourself for flame-y comments referring to sterilization, I never thought about it that way. I always sort of assumed, when we were finished, that my husband would "get snipped" because I'd heard it was a much easier procedure with less hospital time. I never considered the differences to future fertility with the different procedures. I assumed each was the same level of irreversible. Also, my thinking was before my son was born by cesarean section. I mean, they've alreayd opened me up once, right? =P So anyway, thank you for that part, because you've given me something to think about when the day comes.

I pretty much agree with everything you said. If that wasn't already clear.

I think this reply is long enough now.

bre said...

oh ya, i completely agree. when i was in high school a girl that lived down the street from me got preggers.... SHE WAS 13!!!!!!! it wasn't for the attention, she claimed oopsy, condom broke... i gave her a look and she told me yea yea, ok, no condom. i said not an oopsy then. she asked what do you mean, and i told her, you want the pleasure, you'd better be ready for the pain... three yrs later, i had graduated and was looking thru the paper one morning..... and guess who i seen in the birth announcements... yup. yes she didn't learn her lesson, and had two kids by age 16. grr... such unresponsibility makes me angry. and to think, wonderful ppl like you are having such problems!!! that truly, blows hard.