Drawn and Quartered

Yes, I am apparently in the process of being disemboweled..... by my daughter. Or, maybe it's that I think that being disembowled would be infinetly less painful as opposed to what SHE is putting me through.

This infertility thing is REALLY beginnng to piss me off.

Picture me, getting ready to take her out for a day today... lunch.. Harry Potter Film.. a nice day, minding my own business... when she "attacked me" again. But this time.. well, this time was different.

Please don't ask me what the HELL brought this on, cause I haven't the foggiest idea. All I know is she comes and SHOUTS at me...furious... "I WANT A BABY BROTHER AND YOU WON"T GIVE ME ONE!!!" *Cyn reels from ambush* "Whaaaa??" So, since I'm obviously DEAF, she said it again... louder, more like a roar.

Once I regained my wits, I warned her in my deadliest tone to watch her tone of voice... as I wailed..."Im trying!!!" Conversation was as follows:

C: "IM TRYING!!! I REALLY AM!"
A: No! You obviously aren't trying hard enough!!!
C: "Yes, I am! You don't KNOW how hard Im trying!! "
A: "HAH!!! IF so then why aren't you having one yet??"
C: *sputtering*, "Um,I...don't.... know. I wish I knew"
A: (lethal tone) "Well, you obviously aren't trying hard enough, cause you still aren't gonna have a baby."
C: (trying to hold back tears)"I;m really trying hard. I don't know why it's not working.. I don't know why...."
A: "You just don't want another baby bad enough proabaly"
C: "Arianna! That is ENOUGH! I'm trying my hardest... no one could try harder than me! Why don't YOU pray to God, maybe he will listen to your prayers better."

Then I shut the bedroom door on her..devastated and feeling the tears start to overflow my eyes. She isn't asking me anything I haven't asked myself a thousand times over.

I don't know why it is bothering her more than usual... maybe because all her cousins are pregnant or having babies.. I know she is jealous of the fact that her cousin had THREE at ONCE. So I guess next to that, I must seem spectacularly incompitant. She is being extremely hostile towards me also lately. In public even. Yesterday in a bookstore, she verbally attacked me in a REALLY LOUD VOICE. The whole damn store got silent and all heads turned in my directon. Just my damn luck, an older American couple were standing next to me.. I was SO humilated... my hand itched to slap her, but I didn't... Instead I yanked her by the arm silently and drug her out of the store hissing at her "DON"T YOU DARE DISRESPECT ME LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN, DO YOU HEAR ME?". Z came out later and said, "everyone was commenting on it and staring.. and the American lady told her husband, "Oh SOMEONES GONNA GET IT NOW>". I just took her home. She acted up again in the Harry Potter movie today also. I suppose i've failed her.

But God how it hurts me. As if I don't feel like a big enough failure already. As if I don't constantly wonder why the first three times didn't work. As if Im really not wondering WHY THE HELL I didn't respond properly to the medicine on this last, 4th round?

I wish Arianna had the BALLS to say these things around her father. He so far refuses to talk much about anything with me about it. There are things we need to discuss .. to talk about for another cycle.. but.. nothing. It seems as though.. I don't know.. as if maybe he feels like it's not worth talking about, judging from the few comments he HAS made.

Since he isn't talking, communicating about trying again, since he hasn't even paid the clinic/hospital for the portion of the package we DID use before I got cancelled, how can I think about trying again?

So instead I plan on my private trip home in October.. which is the ONLY time he mentions another IVF, when I mention how excited I am to see my Mom and Dad and my friends. He says "Maybe you'll be pregant then and can't go". I said, "How? You don't seem to want to talk about another try." Then he becomes silent again.

Dammned if I do, and damned if I don't.