"It Is Beyond My Control"

First, I'd like to wish a very Happy Memorial Day Weekend to my fellow Americans. I hope you get loads of rest, enjoy the barbeques, etc... et al. Oh yeah, and don't forget to pray that Kerry wins in November!

Now, back to ME!!

I'm....hanging in there. All things considered. I think I'm doing ok, but then I have my moments. My hellish moments. There is a question I can't help but keep asking myself: Since I had about 50 eggs growing.. I get the sinking feeling that they end up in the "trash". you know, as in... wasted.. and well, that bothers me... A LOT. I mean, lets do the math *shudder*, shall we? say 48 eggs? The average woman ovulates 1 (yes, ONE) egg a month, every month. So, keeping that in mind.... in the space of 8 days..... I LOST 4 YEARS WORTH OF EGGS FROM MY OVARIES. *acknowledges panic attack setting in* Why do I let this get to me? I don't want it to. Trust me. I even hate math.But still I find myself tallying numbers. Add that to the 30 or so eggs wasted per previous IVF cycle... and who could blame me? But, I can't help but think that that is FOUR Reproductive YEARS OF EGGS from my ovaries!!! I honestly try not to think about this, but in the immortal words of John Malkovitch in Dangerous Liasons..."It is beyond my control"

Oh, I almost forgot....there is the little matter of:

THE RETURN OF THE RAGING SINUS/THROAT INFECTION!!!!!

Yes, that's right folks.... it's BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!! Feels worse this time though. Wanna know just how crappy I feel? When I went to the ENT (A truly LOVELY man who actually gives me some credit for owning a semblance of intelligence)he said... "You are right... it's the same thing... Sinuses infected... spread to your throat...bad this time.Well, I could give you a shot, but I know.." (very very quietly) and I said "OK!!!!! GIMMIE!" Now THAT'S what I call sick. I still feel like shit tho. It was a cortosteroid... and Im pretty damn sure it's worn off now. Drat. I keep thinking that MAYBE if I just hurry up and cough up a lung... I'll be better soon. I just don't want to end up in the hospital (yet again!)in Ward 1. Sigh.I mean, they do have a FAB cook... but-hey!- Im serious about the cook! Best hospital food you'll ever eat. Fever is BAD. Methinks I need to go beg for another shot.... of antibiotic this time. I'll go tomorrow. I promise. I must be at least marginally insane... I came home from work half-dead and cooked a HUGE dinner. Anyway, for now, I'll go crawl into bed and curl up in a ball.

I want my Mama. Now!!!!!!!