Quitters Never Win

On the bright side, my blood work results were actually ready. Considereing what I went through this morning to give the goddamn sample they better have been ready. I was bruised, poked repeatedly until 20 minutes of hell later, with the nurse literally sobbing and saying Hail Mary's under her breath, we got 2 big fat ml of blood.My arms and hands are all black and blue. Have you ever seen a 2 year-old that got into a box of band aids? Yeah, well, that's what my arms and hands look like.

Just so you know, I'm probably going to start cussing up a storm now. OK?

I had marginal movement in my hormone levels. I knew what he was going to say even before he came at me with the wand. Fuck. fuck. fuck. He gave me two options when the ultrasound was over. (goddammit)

1) Cancel the cycle as of today. OR

2) Take my injections at same high levels today and tomorrow, blood again on Sat. If numbers do good, then we continue, If not a good jump, then cycle is CANCELLED definitely.

You know me. I don't give up that easy. Fuck that. No way. Im gonna keep fighting till he tells me to piss off. So, Obviously, I took option 2. I made the decision on my own, because I WAS on my own. Now get this....

I asked him WHY??? WHY???WHY??? He said "Honestly? Hell if I know. It doesn't make ANY SENSE. Your hormone levels otherwise are fine-normal, the prolactin came down majorly, everything is fine. Ovaries look fine, Excecpt that there isn't much of any eggs growing. But there aren't even the usual cysts on there... everything is.............GENUINE!" I swear to God he said Genuine. (I can hear Our Genuine now..."Yaay, oh SHIT!Booo")I almost fell out of my chair. Of course, then I broke down, tried SO very hard not to cry, not to lose my composure, because I HATE THAT, but dammit, then he looked at me and said "You're a strong woman, don't let it get you down" (WTF???)and then, the damn broke. The tears just started pouring down my face. I was frozen and stuck in my chair. Then I told him. easy to say. I keep fighting... for years. You aren't the only doctor I've seen here. IVF isn't easy. It isn't the cost, it's the pain, the mental strain it puts on you, what it does to you physically its everything. You haven’t physically experienced it, so don't look me in the face and expect it to "not get me down". Of course Im devastated. Im not giving up yet, but I don't wanna get my hopes any goddamn higher than they were already. (you asshat)

So. All I can do is pray that today and tomorrow something starts happening in there. That when they take my blood from God knows where on saturday cause there isn't many places left... that Wand Monkey gets a number result that makes him sing.

Cause otherwise......Im SO fucked.

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