A Nice Way To Spend An Evening
Last night I spent a pleasant few hours at Z’s cousins house last night. She is my very favorite of all his MANY MANY relatives. All her 9 brothers and sisters are very loving and kind to me. Hell, I wish his immediate family was THIS great! I like spending time with them almost every Thursday evening. Last night was particularly nice though.
Last night I had 3 children hanging off me aged 4, 14 months, and 3 months(Girl. Boy. Girl.) . And I loved every cotton-pickin minute of it too!
The first two are brother and sister. The little one is their cousin. Brother and sister were stuck like glue to me. The little boy kept crawling in my lap, one hand on my breast and the other fisted gently in my hair, smiling at me making cooing noises. Typical male. Hair and boobs. Sometimes he would rest his head on my chest, hand still in my hair, patting my breast like a cat. Sorry honey, no milk there! He was just being happy though.
Meanwhile, his sister was almost surgically attached to my left hip playing with my hair, twisting and trying to braid it and brushing it back from my face with her hands and hugging me and kissing my face. I kept grabbing her to me and giving her kisses. She always tells me “I love you” in her little scratchy raspy Demi Moore voice. The baby girl was on her moms lap on my right staring transfixedly at me the whole time and grabbing my sleeve in her little chubby fist while drooling on her teething ring.
The whole time everyone kept remarking to each other-over and over: “Look at that! Look how children of all ages are with her!! Look how children love her. The baby doesn’t like ANYONE these days! Then my favorite cousin said, exasperated, “Of course they love her and are drawn to her. They sense that she loves them, and they love her right back! She draws children to her like bees to honey.” WOW! Thanks.
I wish I could draw one to my womb as easily.
When time came to leave, brother and sister were both not letting me go. After 5 minutes of hugs and kisses from me, they finally let me leave.
Truth be told, I was loath to go.
******************************************************
Happy Comfort
Today I passed some time in the comfort of a local bookstore.
Yeah, comfort. I love books. I love the smell of a bookstore. Have you ever paid attention to the smell of a bookstore lately? The new paper.. the ink.. the combination of it. They don’t have “proper” bookstores like back home in America that is for SURE, but still, I get my “fix”. So I wandered around the bookstore... looking through the different kinds.. just inhaling the familiar smells and enjoying myself.
Don’t believe me? Well, when I moved here.. I shipped over 350 of my favorite books here. This was after I had to force myself to sell about 200 of the ones I had before the move at a garage sale.
I am a voracious reader. I have been from as long as I can remember. Both my parents encouraged me to read from very early. This could also be due to the fact that at the time my Dad worked for Random House in the child products development division (which encompassed the textbooks section too) and some other things. I got the best of the freebies and I guess I was a guinea pig for some of his projects too. God, the memories of the damn school textbooks he used to make me work through still make me shudder! Anyway, I had loads of books even then.
As I got older my love of books grew. My reading was so advanced that when I was in second grade they put me in a special class.. for speed reading..
From the time I was around 10… particularly during the summer while mom was at work and I was at home, I would get on my bike with my hoarded allowance and ride to my favorite bookstore. I would buy 2 or 3 books to last me for the next couple of days. I would ride home as fast as I could pedal... long (then) golden blond hair streaming in the breeze, happy as anything. Into the house and PLOP! on my bed in front of the cooling breeze of the oscillating fan. I would read one 200+ page book a day, so engrossed I couldn’t put it down. Sometimes two. My Nana had recently gone and gotten me hooked on Nancy Drew books by giving me my first one. That summer I bought and read every single Nancy Drew book in print. All 68 of them! Even then and in the following years … I would read all sorts of things: encyclopedias, medical and health books… history books… you name it!
Even now as an adult, I have been known to spend a few hours happily wandering in a bookstore. Heh. And not just wandering, either; filling my shopping basket as well! And. I. Mean. Filling. Hardcover, paperback. All genres. Particularly fiction, History (All early history from Early Medieval through to the Victorian era) Castle and hill-fort construction, Autobiographies and historical romance. Well-written Fiction really appeals to me because a person created it from thin air, and that is some accomplishment in my book. It takes real creativity. I’m a sucker for nice cookbooks too.
When I read… I am completely immersed in the story. It is still one of my favorite ways to pass time. I will still drag books around with me. To the doctor for my typical long waiting room wait (except for wand monkey & IVF appointements, cause I’m too antsy). In an airport, on a plane. When I go pick up Arianna from school and know there will be a wait in the parking lot until the gates are opened. In the late night hours when my insomnia hits me full force… I have my books. When I’m hospitalized so very frequently… books save me from cabin fever. One of my favorite reading spots though has to be in a nice bubble bath. I love relaxing in a bubble bath with a good book.
I prefer to read than to watch TV actually. Don't get me wrong.. I like TV and movies as much as the next person and am easily hooked on a good program. But if given a choice... a book, anytime.
The best thing? My child loves books too. When she says the infernal "I'm bored!" I tell her.. "you can never be bored when you have a book to pick up. Go read if you are bored and have time on your hands".
And you know what? She does. It's a great feeling when I find her stretched out on her daybed reading a book.(Usually Harry Potter books)
My dream is to have a study... with a wall of floor to ceiling bookshelves. PACKED TO THE GILLS, naturally. One day I will have it.
See if I don't!
6/18/2004
6/15/2004
HEH. Wasn't I Something Else?
I finally confessed to my mom about my failed IVf's the other day in an email. WHAT?? I can't afford that kind of international phone call! She is so funny. I knew that she knew(sensed).. somehow.. cause she is like that (trust me, it was a pain in the ass when I would try and get away with stuff growing up and she knew already what I'd done!)
I know where Arianna gets her precociousness(now), but honestly, she has to make a lot of effort to reach MY level!!
I've already related how I undestand how Arianna feels about getting a baby brother or sister, cause I was the same if not worse because I would harp on it almost daily, I seem to remember, from the time I was about, oh, 3.
Mom related this story to me in her email reply today, and I thought you guys would enjoy it. I know I chuckled.(She was engaged to Thurman, an American Indian guy-see 100 things about me,the whole Indian Reservation thing- and we had a mutual dislike of each other):
"I remember you talked to me when you were about ten yrs of age and I was engaged, yet couldn't get past the shivers and nerves or picking out a gown, or a diamond- saw lots of bracelets I liked though!!!! ha ha. You wanted a real baby brother or sister and you suggested that I call your Dad to come to CA. from Fla. and "take care of business" and then he could go back home to Noemi (my stepmother) and everything would be fine. I couldn't believe a ten year old child could be thinking in "business terms" on such matters. (Yeah, knowing you, I could!) right......... ha ha ha."
Yeah, there are so many stories I could tell you guys... I was employing logic in my earliest theories and "discussions" with adults.. much in the same manner of Genuine's little Princess. (She's a hoot and so adorable!)I would frequently leave most adults in my vicinity gasping for air like a fish out of water, at a complete loss for words.
Come to think of it, I still do get that reaction sometimes. Oh good! Glad to know I haven't lost my touch! Heh. *Genuine shakes head and flinches..repeatedly* (yes, look what you are in for when Princess is grown!)
I could tell you things that would make you pee yourself, and make me turn twenty shades of red. My logic was astounding sometimes, although never intentionally cruel. Well shit.
For instance...
I was about.. 3 or 4, and I was in the grocery store with my Mom and apparently wanted some Entemann's pastries. Mom refused to get some. Did I resort to the whine of a small child? No. Instead I calmly asked the infernal "Well, why?" to which she responded..."Because it will make us fat." (Biiiig MISTAKE MAMA!) I looked at her (my Mom always had a killer figure.. she was so paranoid!)looked around, and, certain that I had a superior "argument" stated in a LOUD and CLEAR voice:
"Well, you aren't fat Mama! THOSE two big ladies aren't worried about it! Look how much Entemann's they are putting in THEIR cart??" Needless to say... she tossed the neares Entemann's box she could reach into the cart and ran!
Guileless, completely guileless.
Actually, this has come back to haunt me, proof that Karma can be a bitch. I can't even look at Entemann's without gaining weight! At the risk of sounding like a little politically incorrect kid, I will refrain from telling you my Monkey Jungle misadventure.
I finally confessed to my mom about my failed IVf's the other day in an email. WHAT?? I can't afford that kind of international phone call! She is so funny. I knew that she knew(sensed).. somehow.. cause she is like that (trust me, it was a pain in the ass when I would try and get away with stuff growing up and she knew already what I'd done!)
I know where Arianna gets her precociousness(now), but honestly, she has to make a lot of effort to reach MY level!!
I've already related how I undestand how Arianna feels about getting a baby brother or sister, cause I was the same if not worse because I would harp on it almost daily, I seem to remember, from the time I was about, oh, 3.
Mom related this story to me in her email reply today, and I thought you guys would enjoy it. I know I chuckled.(She was engaged to Thurman, an American Indian guy-see 100 things about me,the whole Indian Reservation thing- and we had a mutual dislike of each other):
"I remember you talked to me when you were about ten yrs of age and I was engaged, yet couldn't get past the shivers and nerves or picking out a gown, or a diamond- saw lots of bracelets I liked though!!!! ha ha. You wanted a real baby brother or sister and you suggested that I call your Dad to come to CA. from Fla. and "take care of business" and then he could go back home to Noemi (my stepmother) and everything would be fine. I couldn't believe a ten year old child could be thinking in "business terms" on such matters. (Yeah, knowing you, I could!) right......... ha ha ha."
Yeah, there are so many stories I could tell you guys... I was employing logic in my earliest theories and "discussions" with adults.. much in the same manner of Genuine's little Princess. (She's a hoot and so adorable!)I would frequently leave most adults in my vicinity gasping for air like a fish out of water, at a complete loss for words.
Come to think of it, I still do get that reaction sometimes. Oh good! Glad to know I haven't lost my touch! Heh. *Genuine shakes head and flinches..repeatedly* (yes, look what you are in for when Princess is grown!)
I could tell you things that would make you pee yourself, and make me turn twenty shades of red. My logic was astounding sometimes, although never intentionally cruel. Well shit.
For instance...
I was about.. 3 or 4, and I was in the grocery store with my Mom and apparently wanted some Entemann's pastries. Mom refused to get some. Did I resort to the whine of a small child? No. Instead I calmly asked the infernal "Well, why?" to which she responded..."Because it will make us fat." (Biiiig MISTAKE MAMA!) I looked at her (my Mom always had a killer figure.. she was so paranoid!)looked around, and, certain that I had a superior "argument" stated in a LOUD and CLEAR voice:
"Well, you aren't fat Mama! THOSE two big ladies aren't worried about it! Look how much Entemann's they are putting in THEIR cart??" Needless to say... she tossed the neares Entemann's box she could reach into the cart and ran!
Guileless, completely guileless.
Actually, this has come back to haunt me, proof that Karma can be a bitch. I can't even look at Entemann's without gaining weight! At the risk of sounding like a little politically incorrect kid, I will refrain from telling you my Monkey Jungle misadventure.
6/14/2004
Curiosity Killed The Cat
Meoooooooooooooooowwwwww!!!!
I have an appointment tomorrow with that IVF specialist Professor woman from Germany I mentioned earlier (when the IVF cycle was cancelled). Tomorrow at 3:30.
Why the hell am I so bloody nervous?
Maybe I'm afraid of what she will say. I'm seeing her at the advice of Wand Monkey and while I know his main reasons for suggesting the consultation with her:1: For me to get YET another opinion 2:To make some extra money for the hospital and IVF Clinic and 3: To shut me the hell up. BTW, for #3?? Yeaaah, RIGHT it will shut me up! Heh. Bottom line is, I'm going to see her because to me, Wand Monkey's explaination of "I don't know why it didn't work" combined with a shrug of his shoulders doesn't fly with me. It's unacceptable. Hell, I would have been happy with an educated guess, a theory, a hunch, a vision he had in a dream on his lunch break... ANYTHING but him shaking his damn head at me looking just as confused as I was (am).
I'm hoping for some answers. Suggestions-ok, other than ovarian drilling- cause that freaks me way the hell out. Uh, no. Drill? Inside? Me? Taking out pieces of my reproductive organs? Uh, HELL NO. For it to come back in 6 months? Awwww HELLLLLL NO. That piece of brilliance was Wand Monkey's suggestion... again, I get the feeling just to shut me up. Asshat.
You know what I'm REALLY hoping she will say (in front of Wand Monkey)?? That the suggestions I made were right. You know, the suggestions, simple things really, that he blew off, were worthy of at least minute consideration, because to my mind, obviously, something is being overlooked round here. For the record, I asked repeatedly the following of him .. you know, what do you think? or Do you think I should??"
1: Take Metformin (Glucophage) for a few months before trying another cycle (I mean, all the damn studies I've read have found this to be highly beneficial particulary in women with PCOS, like me.) Also, there is the TEENSY little fact that I GOT PREGNANT in 1999 by doing this and only taking some Clomid tablets orally (Ok, mega doses of 250mg a day for 5 days, but still!)only, no IVF,erm. just... nookie and lots of it on the right day of the cycle. So considering that it worked in the past for me... WHY THE HELL NOT??? Fine.
2: Take Folic Acid in the months leading up to a cycle. (He said NO. Actually, not even during the IVF cycle...which was weird to me.)
If she says any of these things to me tomorrow, you just KNOW I'm gonna smirk at him and say, "Well, I suggested this to HIM several times, but HE said no." Think I won't say it?
The HELL I won't!
Don't worry, I'll make a report to you all tomorrow.
Meoooooooooooooooowwwwww!!!!
I have an appointment tomorrow with that IVF specialist Professor woman from Germany I mentioned earlier (when the IVF cycle was cancelled). Tomorrow at 3:30.
Why the hell am I so bloody nervous?
Maybe I'm afraid of what she will say. I'm seeing her at the advice of Wand Monkey and while I know his main reasons for suggesting the consultation with her:1: For me to get YET another opinion 2:To make some extra money for the hospital and IVF Clinic and 3: To shut me the hell up. BTW, for #3?? Yeaaah, RIGHT it will shut me up! Heh. Bottom line is, I'm going to see her because to me, Wand Monkey's explaination of "I don't know why it didn't work" combined with a shrug of his shoulders doesn't fly with me. It's unacceptable. Hell, I would have been happy with an educated guess, a theory, a hunch, a vision he had in a dream on his lunch break... ANYTHING but him shaking his damn head at me looking just as confused as I was (am).
I'm hoping for some answers. Suggestions-ok, other than ovarian drilling- cause that freaks me way the hell out. Uh, no. Drill? Inside? Me? Taking out pieces of my reproductive organs? Uh, HELL NO. For it to come back in 6 months? Awwww HELLLLLL NO. That piece of brilliance was Wand Monkey's suggestion... again, I get the feeling just to shut me up. Asshat.
You know what I'm REALLY hoping she will say (in front of Wand Monkey)?? That the suggestions I made were right. You know, the suggestions, simple things really, that he blew off, were worthy of at least minute consideration, because to my mind, obviously, something is being overlooked round here. For the record, I asked repeatedly the following of him .. you know, what do you think? or Do you think I should??"
1: Take Metformin (Glucophage) for a few months before trying another cycle (I mean, all the damn studies I've read have found this to be highly beneficial particulary in women with PCOS, like me.) Also, there is the TEENSY little fact that I GOT PREGNANT in 1999 by doing this and only taking some Clomid tablets orally (Ok, mega doses of 250mg a day for 5 days, but still!)only, no IVF,erm. just... nookie and lots of it on the right day of the cycle. So considering that it worked in the past for me... WHY THE HELL NOT??? Fine.
2: Take Folic Acid in the months leading up to a cycle. (He said NO. Actually, not even during the IVF cycle...which was weird to me.)
If she says any of these things to me tomorrow, you just KNOW I'm gonna smirk at him and say, "Well, I suggested this to HIM several times, but HE said no." Think I won't say it?
The HELL I won't!
Don't worry, I'll make a report to you all tomorrow.
Think It's Accurate??
Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com
Luscious? Heh. I love that. Cool. Luscious............ heh.....
| S | Spiritual |
| C | Comical |
| A | Astonishing |
| R | Raw |
| L | Luscious |
| E | Exquisite |
| T | Trustworthy |
| T | Talented |
| C | Charming |
| Y | Young |
| N | Neglected |
Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com
Luscious? Heh. I love that. Cool. Luscious............ heh.....
6/13/2004
So Damn Typical!!
OM MY GOD!!!!!
This is so hilarious! Z and I were just sitting on the sofa JUST NOW... and he was talking to his mother..the conversation lapsed into silence, and then, very quietly, very seriously, he looked at her and said:
"Cyn is going home to America. By herself." Just like that. For once I was looking straight at her face when he said it.
Lordy!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE JOY SUFFUSE HER FACE!!!!!!!!! She looked so.... HAPPY!!!shocked. Like someone just said to her, "oh, and by the way, here is 10 million dollars TAX FREE". She said "REALLY????????? When?"" with a big ole ear to ear grin. She kept smiling and saying "You're going? Really? Really?" So I said simply, "Yes."
Of course my evil husband made her wait a few minutes,watching her do her little jumping in place. Quite frankly, I was surprised that he announced it. I had no warning. Then he said.. " She's only going for a visit to her parents for a few weeks."
Heh. Then I got to watch her face fall. (Psyche! I'll just take that 10 million back now!) She got all happy for nothing. YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER TRY TO HIDE HER disappointment..DISAPPOINTMENT THAT I WAS COMING BACK."
Then guess what doofus... I mean my darling husband said to his mama? "You wanna fly back with her?" WTF????????? (He MUST be smoking crack!)I looked at him and said "I'M FLYING TO MIAMI FIRST TO SEE MY DAD!" (ie: nowhere NEAR where she has family)
She left the room... and I was sitting there... Z looked at me, I looked at him.... and we both started cracking up. He said "DID you see her FACE???" BWAAAAAHAAAAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA I said "you got her hopes up! She looked like her dream just came true!" We both collapsed into hysterical laughter...and he looked at me and said "you are going to post this on your blog now, aren't you?"
You bet your ass I am!! *Cyn runs from the living room*
But apparently she is STILL happy she's getting rid of my butt for a while.. cause as I sit here typing... I can hear her on the phone down the hall spreading the joy to her offspring.
**************************
~Update~
I'm Not Laughing Now.
Ok, NOW I'M PISSED!!!
Apparently while I was occupied writing the above post, Monster snuck back in the living room to start her usual crap. FORTUNATELY I didn't hear it myself.
It seems she slithered up to her son, my husband, and asked... "Is she REALLY going to America?" and he said "Yes." Now get THIS: Next thing past the forked tongue was: "She isn't taking Arianna with her, is she? You aren't letting her?" (WTF???? LETTING HER?) *steam starts boiling and shooting from my ears* Z said " Arianna is staying here because Cyn doesn't want her to miss so much school , plus it's the beginning of the year." Monster:" Well, you shouldn't let her take her..., you know.. she might..." He repeated the school reason again.
*Head spins with flames shooting out of my ears and nostrils* At this point, my Irish temper, which doesn't all that often really pop out... is near release.
Wisely, he recounted this to me, in the car... where I proceded to inform him that this time I'm not taking her.. but next time I AM.
Unfortunately he told me in the car. Because I would have really liked to make the following comments where she could hear them clearly.
1) If I wanted to take my daughter anywhere with me, there is NOTHING she can do to get in my way. Cumon, try me. I'd really like to see her try.
2) But the hell out, it isn't your concern.
3) What makes her insinuate that I might run off with her? Trust me, if I was leaving... I'd throw a damn farewell party, and ship ALL my belongings.. not scurry off in the middle of the night.
4) LET ME TAKE HER?? HAH! LET ME TAKE HER? If I wanted to "take off" with her, there is a lovely Blue American passport for Arianna in MY POSESSION and all I would have to do is take a nice 10 minute drive to the embassy, park my car, and walk through the gate. Any questions?
But you know what pissed me off the most? That he didn't say ANYTHING in my defense. Not one damn word.
Figures.
OM MY GOD!!!!!
This is so hilarious! Z and I were just sitting on the sofa JUST NOW... and he was talking to his mother..the conversation lapsed into silence, and then, very quietly, very seriously, he looked at her and said:
"Cyn is going home to America. By herself." Just like that. For once I was looking straight at her face when he said it.
Lordy!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE JOY SUFFUSE HER FACE!!!!!!!!! She looked so.... HAPPY!!!shocked. Like someone just said to her, "oh, and by the way, here is 10 million dollars TAX FREE". She said "REALLY????????? When?"" with a big ole ear to ear grin. She kept smiling and saying "You're going? Really? Really?" So I said simply, "Yes."
Of course my evil husband made her wait a few minutes,watching her do her little jumping in place. Quite frankly, I was surprised that he announced it. I had no warning. Then he said.. " She's only going for a visit to her parents for a few weeks."
Heh. Then I got to watch her face fall. (Psyche! I'll just take that 10 million back now!) She got all happy for nothing. YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER TRY TO HIDE HER disappointment..DISAPPOINTMENT THAT I WAS COMING BACK."
Then guess what doofus... I mean my darling husband said to his mama? "You wanna fly back with her?" WTF????????? (He MUST be smoking crack!)I looked at him and said "I'M FLYING TO MIAMI FIRST TO SEE MY DAD!" (ie: nowhere NEAR where she has family)
She left the room... and I was sitting there... Z looked at me, I looked at him.... and we both started cracking up. He said "DID you see her FACE???" BWAAAAAHAAAAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA I said "you got her hopes up! She looked like her dream just came true!" We both collapsed into hysterical laughter...and he looked at me and said "you are going to post this on your blog now, aren't you?"
You bet your ass I am!! *Cyn runs from the living room*
But apparently she is STILL happy she's getting rid of my butt for a while.. cause as I sit here typing... I can hear her on the phone down the hall spreading the joy to her offspring.
**************************
~Update~
I'm Not Laughing Now.
Ok, NOW I'M PISSED!!!
Apparently while I was occupied writing the above post, Monster snuck back in the living room to start her usual crap. FORTUNATELY I didn't hear it myself.
It seems she slithered up to her son, my husband, and asked... "Is she REALLY going to America?" and he said "Yes." Now get THIS: Next thing past the forked tongue was: "She isn't taking Arianna with her, is she? You aren't letting her?" (WTF???? LETTING HER?) *steam starts boiling and shooting from my ears* Z said " Arianna is staying here because Cyn doesn't want her to miss so much school , plus it's the beginning of the year." Monster:" Well, you shouldn't let her take her..., you know.. she might..." He repeated the school reason again.
*Head spins with flames shooting out of my ears and nostrils* At this point, my Irish temper, which doesn't all that often really pop out... is near release.
Wisely, he recounted this to me, in the car... where I proceded to inform him that this time I'm not taking her.. but next time I AM.
Unfortunately he told me in the car. Because I would have really liked to make the following comments where she could hear them clearly.
1) If I wanted to take my daughter anywhere with me, there is NOTHING she can do to get in my way. Cumon, try me. I'd really like to see her try.
2) But the hell out, it isn't your concern.
3) What makes her insinuate that I might run off with her? Trust me, if I was leaving... I'd throw a damn farewell party, and ship ALL my belongings.. not scurry off in the middle of the night.
4) LET ME TAKE HER?? HAH! LET ME TAKE HER? If I wanted to "take off" with her, there is a lovely Blue American passport for Arianna in MY POSESSION and all I would have to do is take a nice 10 minute drive to the embassy, park my car, and walk through the gate. Any questions?
But you know what pissed me off the most? That he didn't say ANYTHING in my defense. Not one damn word.
Figures.
Just Call Me Aphrodite!!
Aphrodite/Eros
?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
Yeah, this is SO me. Goddess of LOOOOOVE!!!!!!!!!
Who loves ya baby?? MWAH!!
Aphrodite/Eros
?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
Yeah, this is SO me. Goddess of LOOOOOVE!!!!!!!!!
Who loves ya baby?? MWAH!!
6/12/2004
Cease Fire
Honestly, that is the most accurate way to describe it.
I had yet another talk with Arianna today. She was more... approachable. I explained to her, yet again, that I understand completely how she feels, that I felt the same way growing up.
I looked her straight in the eyes and explained that I am not a quitter, and that I'm not giving up, so for her not to give up also. That I will keep on trying until the day the doctors tell me that it is 100% impossible to try anymore because I want a baby as badly if not more so than she wants a little brother or sister. I told her that I need her support and faith. She understood that. Then I explained that I understand her frustration, that I too am frustrated, but that her lashing out at me and the snide comments doesn't help things any, and that it really hurts me. It doesn't accomplish anything and quite frankly, she knows that this kind of behaviour is and has always been unacceptable with me.
So, we have called a truce. Kissed and made up. She knows that she is my life... the very best thing I have done with my existance to date. But more importantly, she realizes that I have made my promise to her... given my word that I won't give up until there is no chance left for me. Arianna knows that I don't make promises lightly, that I don't lie once my word is given... so, it will just take her learning a bit of patience. And to my mind, that's all to the good for her.
To my dear friends from blogworld... your virtual hugs support and caring mean so very much to me. I just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart.
MWAAAH!
Hopefully I'll be able to repay you all with a funny post in the next few days to lighten all our moods.
Honestly, that is the most accurate way to describe it.
I had yet another talk with Arianna today. She was more... approachable. I explained to her, yet again, that I understand completely how she feels, that I felt the same way growing up.
I looked her straight in the eyes and explained that I am not a quitter, and that I'm not giving up, so for her not to give up also. That I will keep on trying until the day the doctors tell me that it is 100% impossible to try anymore because I want a baby as badly if not more so than she wants a little brother or sister. I told her that I need her support and faith. She understood that. Then I explained that I understand her frustration, that I too am frustrated, but that her lashing out at me and the snide comments doesn't help things any, and that it really hurts me. It doesn't accomplish anything and quite frankly, she knows that this kind of behaviour is and has always been unacceptable with me.
So, we have called a truce. Kissed and made up. She knows that she is my life... the very best thing I have done with my existance to date. But more importantly, she realizes that I have made my promise to her... given my word that I won't give up until there is no chance left for me. Arianna knows that I don't make promises lightly, that I don't lie once my word is given... so, it will just take her learning a bit of patience. And to my mind, that's all to the good for her.
To my dear friends from blogworld... your virtual hugs support and caring mean so very much to me. I just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart.
MWAAAH!
Hopefully I'll be able to repay you all with a funny post in the next few days to lighten all our moods.
6/11/2004
Drawn and Quartered
Yes, I am apparently in the process of being disemboweled..... by my daughter. Or, maybe it's that I think that being disembowled would be infinetly less painful as opposed to what SHE is putting me through.
This infertility thing is REALLY beginnng to piss me off.
Picture me, getting ready to take her out for a day today... lunch.. Harry Potter Film.. a nice day, minding my own business... when she "attacked me" again. But this time.. well, this time was different.
Please don't ask me what the HELL brought this on, cause I haven't the foggiest idea. All I know is she comes and SHOUTS at me...furious... "I WANT A BABY BROTHER AND YOU WON"T GIVE ME ONE!!!" *Cyn reels from ambush* "Whaaaa??" So, since I'm obviously DEAF, she said it again... louder, more like a roar.
Once I regained my wits, I warned her in my deadliest tone to watch her tone of voice... as I wailed..."Im trying!!!" Conversation was as follows:
C: "IM TRYING!!! I REALLY AM!"
A: No! You obviously aren't trying hard enough!!!
C: "Yes, I am! You don't KNOW how hard Im trying!! "
A: "HAH!!! IF so then why aren't you having one yet??"
C: *sputtering*, "Um,I...don't.... know. I wish I knew"
A: (lethal tone) "Well, you obviously aren't trying hard enough, cause you still aren't gonna have a baby."
C: (trying to hold back tears)"I;m really trying hard. I don't know why it's not working.. I don't know why...."
A: "You just don't want another baby bad enough proabaly"
C: "Arianna! That is ENOUGH! I'm trying my hardest... no one could try harder than me! Why don't YOU pray to God, maybe he will listen to your prayers better."
Then I shut the bedroom door on her..devastated and feeling the tears start to overflow my eyes. She isn't asking me anything I haven't asked myself a thousand times over.
I don't know why it is bothering her more than usual... maybe because all her cousins are pregnant or having babies.. I know she is jealous of the fact that her cousin had THREE at ONCE. So I guess next to that, I must seem spectacularly incompitant. She is being extremely hostile towards me also lately. In public even. Yesterday in a bookstore, she verbally attacked me in a REALLY LOUD VOICE. The whole damn store got silent and all heads turned in my directon. Just my damn luck, an older American couple were standing next to me.. I was SO humilated... my hand itched to slap her, but I didn't... Instead I yanked her by the arm silently and drug her out of the store hissing at her "DON"T YOU DARE DISRESPECT ME LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN, DO YOU HEAR ME?". Z came out later and said, "everyone was commenting on it and staring.. and the American lady told her husband, "Oh SOMEONES GONNA GET IT NOW>". I just took her home. She acted up again in the Harry Potter movie today also. I suppose i've failed her.
But God how it hurts me. As if I don't feel like a big enough failure already. As if I don't constantly wonder why the first three times didn't work. As if Im really not wondering WHY THE HELL I didn't respond properly to the medicine on this last, 4th round?
I wish Arianna had the BALLS to say these things around her father. He so far refuses to talk much about anything with me about it. There are things we need to discuss .. to talk about for another cycle.. but.. nothing. It seems as though.. I don't know.. as if maybe he feels like it's not worth talking about, judging from the few comments he HAS made.
Since he isn't talking, communicating about trying again, since he hasn't even paid the clinic/hospital for the portion of the package we DID use before I got cancelled, how can I think about trying again?
So instead I plan on my private trip home in October.. which is the ONLY time he mentions another IVF, when I mention how excited I am to see my Mom and Dad and my friends. He says "Maybe you'll be pregant then and can't go". I said, "How? You don't seem to want to talk about another try." Then he becomes silent again.
Dammned if I do, and damned if I don't.
Yes, I am apparently in the process of being disemboweled..... by my daughter. Or, maybe it's that I think that being disembowled would be infinetly less painful as opposed to what SHE is putting me through.
This infertility thing is REALLY beginnng to piss me off.
Picture me, getting ready to take her out for a day today... lunch.. Harry Potter Film.. a nice day, minding my own business... when she "attacked me" again. But this time.. well, this time was different.
Please don't ask me what the HELL brought this on, cause I haven't the foggiest idea. All I know is she comes and SHOUTS at me...furious... "I WANT A BABY BROTHER AND YOU WON"T GIVE ME ONE!!!" *Cyn reels from ambush* "Whaaaa??" So, since I'm obviously DEAF, she said it again... louder, more like a roar.
Once I regained my wits, I warned her in my deadliest tone to watch her tone of voice... as I wailed..."Im trying!!!" Conversation was as follows:
C: "IM TRYING!!! I REALLY AM!"
A: No! You obviously aren't trying hard enough!!!
C: "Yes, I am! You don't KNOW how hard Im trying!! "
A: "HAH!!! IF so then why aren't you having one yet??"
C: *sputtering*, "Um,I...don't.... know. I wish I knew"
A: (lethal tone) "Well, you obviously aren't trying hard enough, cause you still aren't gonna have a baby."
C: (trying to hold back tears)"I;m really trying hard. I don't know why it's not working.. I don't know why...."
A: "You just don't want another baby bad enough proabaly"
C: "Arianna! That is ENOUGH! I'm trying my hardest... no one could try harder than me! Why don't YOU pray to God, maybe he will listen to your prayers better."
Then I shut the bedroom door on her..devastated and feeling the tears start to overflow my eyes. She isn't asking me anything I haven't asked myself a thousand times over.
I don't know why it is bothering her more than usual... maybe because all her cousins are pregnant or having babies.. I know she is jealous of the fact that her cousin had THREE at ONCE. So I guess next to that, I must seem spectacularly incompitant. She is being extremely hostile towards me also lately. In public even. Yesterday in a bookstore, she verbally attacked me in a REALLY LOUD VOICE. The whole damn store got silent and all heads turned in my directon. Just my damn luck, an older American couple were standing next to me.. I was SO humilated... my hand itched to slap her, but I didn't... Instead I yanked her by the arm silently and drug her out of the store hissing at her "DON"T YOU DARE DISRESPECT ME LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN, DO YOU HEAR ME?". Z came out later and said, "everyone was commenting on it and staring.. and the American lady told her husband, "Oh SOMEONES GONNA GET IT NOW>". I just took her home. She acted up again in the Harry Potter movie today also. I suppose i've failed her.
But God how it hurts me. As if I don't feel like a big enough failure already. As if I don't constantly wonder why the first three times didn't work. As if Im really not wondering WHY THE HELL I didn't respond properly to the medicine on this last, 4th round?
I wish Arianna had the BALLS to say these things around her father. He so far refuses to talk much about anything with me about it. There are things we need to discuss .. to talk about for another cycle.. but.. nothing. It seems as though.. I don't know.. as if maybe he feels like it's not worth talking about, judging from the few comments he HAS made.
Since he isn't talking, communicating about trying again, since he hasn't even paid the clinic/hospital for the portion of the package we DID use before I got cancelled, how can I think about trying again?
So instead I plan on my private trip home in October.. which is the ONLY time he mentions another IVF, when I mention how excited I am to see my Mom and Dad and my friends. He says "Maybe you'll be pregant then and can't go". I said, "How? You don't seem to want to talk about another try." Then he becomes silent again.
Dammned if I do, and damned if I don't.
6/10/2004
Arianna Strikes Again!
Me and my big mouth!
I read in the paper today that Jennifer Lopez is pregnant. Well hot damn, good for her. So, on the phone just now with Arianna, I mentioned it to her in passing, since she loves all things J.Lo. Stupid, stupid, STUPID Me. Sigh. Damn my girl has a quick intellect. (chip off the ole block!)heh. First thing out of her mouth was:
"WOW!!! That was fast.." and then, in a pitying voice "Some ladies are lucky that way, huh mom? They just - BAM!!- get pregnant in like, under 3 weeks. Lucky......" Me: "yeah, some ladies are very lucky that way."
Oh yeah, you just KNOW I feel about 3 inches tall right now, don't you? There was... PITY in her voice. For me. Pity... coming from an almost 10 year-old. There is no worse feeling than to be found somehow lacking by your own child. Not only have I been well and truly "dirked", but now, the knife twists.
Well, shit.
Me and my big mouth!
I read in the paper today that Jennifer Lopez is pregnant. Well hot damn, good for her. So, on the phone just now with Arianna, I mentioned it to her in passing, since she loves all things J.Lo. Stupid, stupid, STUPID Me. Sigh. Damn my girl has a quick intellect. (chip off the ole block!)heh. First thing out of her mouth was:
"WOW!!! That was fast.." and then, in a pitying voice "Some ladies are lucky that way, huh mom? They just - BAM!!- get pregnant in like, under 3 weeks. Lucky......" Me: "yeah, some ladies are very lucky that way."
Oh yeah, you just KNOW I feel about 3 inches tall right now, don't you? There was... PITY in her voice. For me. Pity... coming from an almost 10 year-old. There is no worse feeling than to be found somehow lacking by your own child. Not only have I been well and truly "dirked", but now, the knife twists.
Well, shit.
6/09/2004
Love At First Sight
You can't take me ANYWHERE, apparently.
Nope, Not even to the grocery store. Barely 3 minutes after I walked in I noticed him watching me.. his big blue eyes fixated on me. I turned away and went down an aisle. When I look up again, there he is...staring at me. I look at him and continue on down the aisle.... a few minutes later.... he moves past me.. still staring at my face with those big huge clear sky blue eyes... He smiles a little at me. It is such an infectious smile.. I can't help but smile in return. I continue on with my shopping.
Finally, on the bread aisle, we meet head on. He just stares at me, smiling and flirting.... I melt.. he IS so gorgeous... just look at him! I can't control myself.. I just want to jump on him! Look at that smile! That beautiful head of hair. Kind of deep blond with a copper undertone.. and... oh god, my undoing... DIMPLES!!!!Those EYES. Sigh. Dimples get me every time. I give up, smile a big smile at him and say.... "Well hello handsome! You've been following me all over haven't you, flirting with me??" He smiles and laughs at me, reaching out a hand to me....
When his mom notices him half hanging out of his stroller to get at me, gurgling.
GOTCHA! Yes, my new love is a 7 month old (thereabouts)HUGE baby boy named Tom. I love Tom, and boy does he love me.
His mom was flabbergasted, actually. She said Tom doesn't really take to strangers. (This said as she is staring at him with her mouth gaping open in shock as he is still flirting with me..) She says to him "What Tom, you cheeky boy! Do you want to go home with this nice lady?" He looks at me, then starts reaching for me with both arms. His mom is still stunned... she goes on to tell me that he has been a total terror and completely grumpy all day cause he is so sick....but, now... here he sits flirting with me. Giggling and looking at me slyly from the corners of his eyes. His mom keeps threatening him "ok, how about I leave you with her and Mummy will finish her shopping, hmmm?" God bless my little Tom's heart.. he clapped his hands. I was TOTALLY willing. Sick little guy or not. Actually, the mom was nice, If I hadn't been sick myself, I would have grabbed him and hugged him. She said to him again.. "wanna go home with her?" he just kept smiling and gurgling at me.
I want a little boy JUST LIKE THAT! Sigh.
Unfortunately.... Arianna heard me telling her dad about my new boyfriend Tom... and she said in that pre-teen borderline smartass tone: "And what you would have wanted to bring him home??" I looked at her and said "OH YEAH! IN A HEARTBEAT!!!! I would love to have a little boy just like him." Then she got serious after pondering that and said quietly, in a sad little quiet voice as her dad left the room, something that was like a dagger to my heart....
"IF so Mom, then why, oh WHY don't you bring me a little brother or sister to love??? I want one SO BAD. WHY MOM??!!! I'm so alone...everyone has at least ONE brother or sister, and I have NONE."
Oh God. That hurts. So very deep in my soul.
My mind races for something to say in reply.. even as my heart aches.... I know how she feels..exactly. Didn't I always used to say this to my own Mama, almost daily it seems? So I told her that. I took my big girl in my arms,held her close like I used to when she was little and much easier to hold, and with tears in my eyes told her that I completely understand how she feels. That if it were up to me, she would have at least a brother and sister to boss around and love by now.. but that it isn't up to me. Not completely. "But I'm trying baby. I'm trying.I haven't given up." She wiped the tears from her own eyes and looked me full in the face with her beautiful hazel eyes and said "You haven't? You're gonna keep trying? The needle medicine?" I said, "Yes.. just like how I tried and tried for you all those years ago and I didn't give up till I got you. We'll still try honey. Pray to God, maybe he will hear your prayers better." She nodded and kissed me and, pulling her pre-teen dignity around her almost like a cloak, left me...
In a heap.
You can't take me ANYWHERE, apparently.
Nope, Not even to the grocery store. Barely 3 minutes after I walked in I noticed him watching me.. his big blue eyes fixated on me. I turned away and went down an aisle. When I look up again, there he is...staring at me. I look at him and continue on down the aisle.... a few minutes later.... he moves past me.. still staring at my face with those big huge clear sky blue eyes... He smiles a little at me. It is such an infectious smile.. I can't help but smile in return. I continue on with my shopping.
Finally, on the bread aisle, we meet head on. He just stares at me, smiling and flirting.... I melt.. he IS so gorgeous... just look at him! I can't control myself.. I just want to jump on him! Look at that smile! That beautiful head of hair. Kind of deep blond with a copper undertone.. and... oh god, my undoing... DIMPLES!!!!Those EYES. Sigh. Dimples get me every time. I give up, smile a big smile at him and say.... "Well hello handsome! You've been following me all over haven't you, flirting with me??" He smiles and laughs at me, reaching out a hand to me....
When his mom notices him half hanging out of his stroller to get at me, gurgling.
GOTCHA! Yes, my new love is a 7 month old (thereabouts)HUGE baby boy named Tom. I love Tom, and boy does he love me.
His mom was flabbergasted, actually. She said Tom doesn't really take to strangers. (This said as she is staring at him with her mouth gaping open in shock as he is still flirting with me..) She says to him "What Tom, you cheeky boy! Do you want to go home with this nice lady?" He looks at me, then starts reaching for me with both arms. His mom is still stunned... she goes on to tell me that he has been a total terror and completely grumpy all day cause he is so sick....but, now... here he sits flirting with me. Giggling and looking at me slyly from the corners of his eyes. His mom keeps threatening him "ok, how about I leave you with her and Mummy will finish her shopping, hmmm?" God bless my little Tom's heart.. he clapped his hands. I was TOTALLY willing. Sick little guy or not. Actually, the mom was nice, If I hadn't been sick myself, I would have grabbed him and hugged him. She said to him again.. "wanna go home with her?" he just kept smiling and gurgling at me.
I want a little boy JUST LIKE THAT! Sigh.
Unfortunately.... Arianna heard me telling her dad about my new boyfriend Tom... and she said in that pre-teen borderline smartass tone: "And what you would have wanted to bring him home??" I looked at her and said "OH YEAH! IN A HEARTBEAT!!!! I would love to have a little boy just like him." Then she got serious after pondering that and said quietly, in a sad little quiet voice as her dad left the room, something that was like a dagger to my heart....
"IF so Mom, then why, oh WHY don't you bring me a little brother or sister to love??? I want one SO BAD. WHY MOM??!!! I'm so alone...everyone has at least ONE brother or sister, and I have NONE."
Oh God. That hurts. So very deep in my soul.
My mind races for something to say in reply.. even as my heart aches.... I know how she feels..exactly. Didn't I always used to say this to my own Mama, almost daily it seems? So I told her that. I took my big girl in my arms,held her close like I used to when she was little and much easier to hold, and with tears in my eyes told her that I completely understand how she feels. That if it were up to me, she would have at least a brother and sister to boss around and love by now.. but that it isn't up to me. Not completely. "But I'm trying baby. I'm trying.I haven't given up." She wiped the tears from her own eyes and looked me full in the face with her beautiful hazel eyes and said "You haven't? You're gonna keep trying? The needle medicine?" I said, "Yes.. just like how I tried and tried for you all those years ago and I didn't give up till I got you. We'll still try honey. Pray to God, maybe he will hear your prayers better." She nodded and kissed me and, pulling her pre-teen dignity around her almost like a cloak, left me...
In a heap.
I've Got A Bone To Pick
Yes, I surely do y'all.
Warning: This is not for the faint of heart, ie: Some MEN. Don't say I didn't warn you.. cause I JUST DID.
See, now I just KNOW that somewhere at Bayer Pharmaceuticals some MAN is sitting and laughing his ass off...daily. Asshat. But one day, a woman far braver and more irritated than I will stomp into Bayer and scream, shotgun in hand..... "Where's the sonofabitch that crated the Canestan pessary????!!!!" Wanna know WHY? I'll tell you, oh yes, I surely will!
Lets start at what triggered today's hissyfit of mine, shall we?
Well, you all know about my damn illness that's dragging on for the past week +, right? Well.... what you DON'T know is that somehow.. cause Im SO GODDAMN talented... my lymph nodes (glands) in my neck got infected. ie: each one swelled up the size of a big fat PLUM and became hard as a rock. So attractive and pleasant. NOT!! (Actuallym It hurts like a MO-FO) And NO, don't ask me how the hell I managed that, cause even my ENT has no damn IDEA. (Although he was really impressed with me)Talent, I guess. Anyhooo..... he (Doc) ordered a particulary nasty antibiotic injeciton to kick start me, and followed by SOME BIG HORSE TABS OF AMOXCILLIN (or for those of you in the UK, Augmentin). To head off ANY chance of an infection-you know, just to be safe-, ahem, in my nether regions..... Doctor Feelgood (cause he ALSO gave me some killer pain pills!heh.)prescribed me a one time dose of CANESTAN.. to be applied..well, INSERTED.. well, YOU KNOW! In my hoo hah. which is produced by BAYER Pharmetiuticals. Great. Fucking great. I've used this ONCE before.. many years ago. I was pissed then. I'm amazed now to think that some woman hasn't written to bitch at them to do a design alteration by now. Ok, the thing - the medicine -is in a tablet form. You know.. a PILL. It's HARD. Like candy. but that I could handle, maybe. My problem is this.....
THE GODAMN THING HAS SHARP EDGES. Of course it's small compared to OTHER things that go in there.. but... IF one has the slightest infection.. well, did you know that you swell ? No? Well trust me, you do. and this sharp thingie to put in? well.. use your imagination. Oh.. and it has to be put in exactly right. Would you care to know WHY? Cause if you don't, it could flip. sideways. Now both times I've used this I've thought "No way in HELL a woman created this. NO."
So, I've decided to send a little love letter to the ASSHATS at BAYER and see if I can't help my fellow woman.
Anyone want to join me?
Yes, I surely do y'all.
Warning: This is not for the faint of heart, ie: Some MEN. Don't say I didn't warn you.. cause I JUST DID.
See, now I just KNOW that somewhere at Bayer Pharmaceuticals some MAN is sitting and laughing his ass off...daily. Asshat. But one day, a woman far braver and more irritated than I will stomp into Bayer and scream, shotgun in hand..... "Where's the sonofabitch that crated the Canestan pessary????!!!!" Wanna know WHY? I'll tell you, oh yes, I surely will!
Lets start at what triggered today's hissyfit of mine, shall we?
Well, you all know about my damn illness that's dragging on for the past week +, right? Well.... what you DON'T know is that somehow.. cause Im SO GODDAMN talented... my lymph nodes (glands) in my neck got infected. ie: each one swelled up the size of a big fat PLUM and became hard as a rock. So attractive and pleasant. NOT!! (Actuallym It hurts like a MO-FO) And NO, don't ask me how the hell I managed that, cause even my ENT has no damn IDEA. (Although he was really impressed with me)Talent, I guess. Anyhooo..... he (Doc) ordered a particulary nasty antibiotic injeciton to kick start me, and followed by SOME BIG HORSE TABS OF AMOXCILLIN (or for those of you in the UK, Augmentin). To head off ANY chance of an infection-you know, just to be safe-, ahem, in my nether regions..... Doctor Feelgood (cause he ALSO gave me some killer pain pills!heh.)prescribed me a one time dose of CANESTAN.. to be applied..well, INSERTED.. well, YOU KNOW! In my hoo hah. which is produced by BAYER Pharmetiuticals. Great. Fucking great. I've used this ONCE before.. many years ago. I was pissed then. I'm amazed now to think that some woman hasn't written to bitch at them to do a design alteration by now. Ok, the thing - the medicine -is in a tablet form. You know.. a PILL. It's HARD. Like candy. but that I could handle, maybe. My problem is this.....
THE GODAMN THING HAS SHARP EDGES. Of course it's small compared to OTHER things that go in there.. but... IF one has the slightest infection.. well, did you know that you swell ? No? Well trust me, you do. and this sharp thingie to put in? well.. use your imagination. Oh.. and it has to be put in exactly right. Would you care to know WHY? Cause if you don't, it could flip. sideways. Now both times I've used this I've thought "No way in HELL a woman created this. NO."
So, I've decided to send a little love letter to the ASSHATS at BAYER and see if I can't help my fellow woman.
Anyone want to join me?
6/06/2004
This Inquiring Mind Wants To Know.........
This idea has been rolling around for some time in my head now. I have stolen the basic idea from Ted at E! Online, but added my own little twisted slant to it. Therefore, my question is this:
If you were gay, what 5 celebrites of the opposite sex would you want to have sex with (in order)? And for the LAST time Genuine... this is for free, not for cash!
Just to be nice, I'll go first!
1. Angelina Jolie
2. Kate Blanchett (yes, from Elizabeth)
3. Michelle Pfeiffer
4. Vivica A. Fox
5. Britney Spears (she looks like a damn good kisser!!)
Please post your answers in the comments section.
This idea has been rolling around for some time in my head now. I have stolen the basic idea from Ted at E! Online, but added my own little twisted slant to it. Therefore, my question is this:
If you were gay, what 5 celebrites of the opposite sex would you want to have sex with (in order)? And for the LAST time Genuine... this is for free, not for cash!
Just to be nice, I'll go first!
1. Angelina Jolie
2. Kate Blanchett (yes, from Elizabeth)
3. Michelle Pfeiffer
4. Vivica A. Fox
5. Britney Spears (she looks like a damn good kisser!!)
Please post your answers in the comments section.
Sorting Myself Out
Since I love Harry Potter as much as Arianna does... and in the sprirt of the release of "The Prisoner of Azkaban", i've decided to get myself sorted.....
Sorting Hat SAYS:
be sorted @ nimbo.net
Congratulations on making Gryffindor!
Basically, you're brave, daring, chivalrous, and pretty much.. an all around good person. Of course, some see you as a goodie-two-shoes. But hey, it's true! You're really good at winning, and normally always come out as the hero. Everybody likes you.. except, maybe, the Slytherins. You're too perfect. No, really.. You're too perfect. It's annoying to watch you win, repeatedly. Oh well. Be proud anyway.
Since I love Harry Potter as much as Arianna does... and in the sprirt of the release of "The Prisoner of Azkaban", i've decided to get myself sorted.....
Sorting Hat SAYS:
be sorted @ nimbo.net
Congratulations on making Gryffindor!
Basically, you're brave, daring, chivalrous, and pretty much.. an all around good person. Of course, some see you as a goodie-two-shoes. But hey, it's true! You're really good at winning, and normally always come out as the hero. Everybody likes you.. except, maybe, the Slytherins. You're too perfect. No, really.. You're too perfect. It's annoying to watch you win, repeatedly. Oh well. Be proud anyway.
This is TOOO Good NOT to share!
Look, it is 1am... Z went to sleep.. but on the way to bed, he came by and handed me some notes he wanted "checked" and a disc.. he actually wanted the majority of it typed... for tomorrow morning. Not like I have to wake up at 5:30am for WORK or anything!??NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
So, cussing fluently in my head, I type the notes handwritten by his boss. Until I reach one sentence. Now get this:
Instead of writing "General Sales Agent" guess what dumbass wrote??? Hmmmm?
GENETAL SALES AGENT. Well shit. This set me off into a complete fit of laughter. Foot stomping, knee slappin, hand over the mouth don't wake the daughter laughter.
Shit, I can't breathe still. So, of course, because I love you all dearly.. I had to share this with you.
My dear Genuine suggested I leave it as is, and you know what? I'm half tempted to!
HEH.
PS: I know that you spell it genital... but...phonetically speaking
Look, it is 1am... Z went to sleep.. but on the way to bed, he came by and handed me some notes he wanted "checked" and a disc.. he actually wanted the majority of it typed... for tomorrow morning. Not like I have to wake up at 5:30am for WORK or anything!??NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
So, cussing fluently in my head, I type the notes handwritten by his boss. Until I reach one sentence. Now get this:
Instead of writing "General Sales Agent" guess what dumbass wrote??? Hmmmm?
GENETAL SALES AGENT. Well shit. This set me off into a complete fit of laughter. Foot stomping, knee slappin, hand over the mouth don't wake the daughter laughter.
Shit, I can't breathe still. So, of course, because I love you all dearly.. I had to share this with you.
My dear Genuine suggested I leave it as is, and you know what? I'm half tempted to!
HEH.
PS: I know that you spell it genital... but...phonetically speaking
6/05/2004
Awwwww!!
Let me know, what's your heart made of?? Mine is:
Heart of Gold
What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
brought to you by Quizilla
Let me know, what's your heart made of?? Mine is:
Heart of Gold
What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
brought to you by Quizilla
EUREKA!
Well, I think I figured out at least part of it.
She keeps working herself up into hissyfits, then she SAYS that her blood pressure goes up. Except that she has been taken to 3 separate cardiologists in the past 10 days or so.. and all of them say the same thing... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH HER. General concensus is she's doing it for attention. Thing is, i think she IS working herself up into like a panic attack, which the symptoms sort of mimic. Trust me, I know... I've had them and been afraid to go to sleep at night.
But why doing a 360 on me?? Then last night, I figured it out when she came and was grabbing my arm in a vise-like grip saying "IM SCARED IM SCARED!!" (you should be honey, you have some serious Karma coming your way)
See, last week, they brought the copy of her various checks on her heart and all... but between Z and his sisters.. it was like reading greek.. and MIL kept swearing that they were lying to her. The only thing they could all make out was the work NORMAL all through it..I got so fed up, that Dr.Cyn (yes me) got up and swiped the medical report and started reading... then I started explaining it in easy terms.. see, Im used to reading these reports because of my mom's heart problem and plus... I really enjoyed science and biology class in school and also reading... medical books when I was younger. I am fascinated by the way the body works. I just kinda like to know whats going on. Sooooo.... I started explaining the test results of the flow from one ventricle into a chamber of the heart, the aeortic valve blah blah blah... and explaining to all of them. That everything was perfectly normal. She is 75, heart is fine, cholestorol is perfect, and no diabetes or anything else for that matter other than a little arthritis. She doesn't know how lucky she is and I said it to the whole room when I finally ended up reading. My final comment of that evening was said nicely but firmly: "She is sitting here DEPRESSED that there is nothing wrong with her. She'd rather be dying!The she says that she IS dying and you are all lying about it. Instead of her sitting here screaming and yelling at the top of her voice that she is dying and no one is telling her the truth, she should get on her knees and thank her maker that she has reached the age she is with the excellent health she has. I wish MY parents could be so healthy!" and I walked out. So ...yet again.. the Oscar goes to..........my MIL. I swear, she will probably outlive me.
Also, I am the ONLY one that is excellent in an emergency situation. I am calm cool and focused. I may very well pass out after the fact, but during an actual situation, Im the one you want around. Z's older sister DOES have high blood pressure and when they took her to emergency... Im the one she wanted with her the whole time.
MIL also knows that I know CPR and no one else does... since she watched me perform it both on her grandaughter and on my baby kitten, which would explain why she was literally hangning off me reciting what the doctor last night told her thing by thing.. asking does it make sense or does it sound like they are lying to her. So yeah, she's being nice (for her) to me thinking that I may be the one to save her life.
Heh. Even deep in her gut, as much as she hates me, she knows that if she wants the TRUTH, Im the one to tell it.
Now isn't THAT ironic?
Well, I think I figured out at least part of it.
She keeps working herself up into hissyfits, then she SAYS that her blood pressure goes up. Except that she has been taken to 3 separate cardiologists in the past 10 days or so.. and all of them say the same thing... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH HER. General concensus is she's doing it for attention. Thing is, i think she IS working herself up into like a panic attack, which the symptoms sort of mimic. Trust me, I know... I've had them and been afraid to go to sleep at night.
But why doing a 360 on me?? Then last night, I figured it out when she came and was grabbing my arm in a vise-like grip saying "IM SCARED IM SCARED!!" (you should be honey, you have some serious Karma coming your way)
See, last week, they brought the copy of her various checks on her heart and all... but between Z and his sisters.. it was like reading greek.. and MIL kept swearing that they were lying to her. The only thing they could all make out was the work NORMAL all through it..I got so fed up, that Dr.Cyn (yes me) got up and swiped the medical report and started reading... then I started explaining it in easy terms.. see, Im used to reading these reports because of my mom's heart problem and plus... I really enjoyed science and biology class in school and also reading... medical books when I was younger. I am fascinated by the way the body works. I just kinda like to know whats going on. Sooooo.... I started explaining the test results of the flow from one ventricle into a chamber of the heart, the aeortic valve blah blah blah... and explaining to all of them. That everything was perfectly normal. She is 75, heart is fine, cholestorol is perfect, and no diabetes or anything else for that matter other than a little arthritis. She doesn't know how lucky she is and I said it to the whole room when I finally ended up reading. My final comment of that evening was said nicely but firmly: "She is sitting here DEPRESSED that there is nothing wrong with her. She'd rather be dying!The she says that she IS dying and you are all lying about it. Instead of her sitting here screaming and yelling at the top of her voice that she is dying and no one is telling her the truth, she should get on her knees and thank her maker that she has reached the age she is with the excellent health she has. I wish MY parents could be so healthy!" and I walked out. So ...yet again.. the Oscar goes to..........my MIL. I swear, she will probably outlive me.
Also, I am the ONLY one that is excellent in an emergency situation. I am calm cool and focused. I may very well pass out after the fact, but during an actual situation, Im the one you want around. Z's older sister DOES have high blood pressure and when they took her to emergency... Im the one she wanted with her the whole time.
MIL also knows that I know CPR and no one else does... since she watched me perform it both on her grandaughter and on my baby kitten, which would explain why she was literally hangning off me reciting what the doctor last night told her thing by thing.. asking does it make sense or does it sound like they are lying to her. So yeah, she's being nice (for her) to me thinking that I may be the one to save her life.
Heh. Even deep in her gut, as much as she hates me, she knows that if she wants the TRUTH, Im the one to tell it.
Now isn't THAT ironic?
6/04/2004
In The Twilight Zone
Something is up. My gut instinct's warning bells are SCREAMING at maximum volume and I feel that I should state it "for the record".
Monster is being..... "nice" (well, for her) to me. All of a sudden. She is even SPEAKING to me.(With me tentatively answering-problem is.. I have to be EXTREMELY wary of what I say, even the most banal reply will become twisted around. Example: I say "What a beautiful sunny day today Not a cloud in the blue sky!" It becomes: "Can you BELIEVE she said how black the sky is and it's probably going to pour for 3 days??!!!) Get the idea? So understand my alarm when,for no apparent reason,she just started talking this morning. This is SO not normal.
She's got something up her sleeve, definetly. What terrifies me is that no matter how I rack my brain, I can't imagine what it might be.
I'm not being mean. I'm speaking from first-hand experience of 15 years day in and day out with her. When she is like this there is ALWAYS an ulterior motive. Once Upon A Time, I used to think it was my imagination... but now... nuh-uh. Sadly, I just face the bald fact that: It means one of TWO things.... she is up to something, plotting and planning... OR - Heaven help me- she has done something.. in which case, I will have to wait for the proverbial shit to hit the fan and find out. God knows how long it will take too. Sometimes the plans are long-range, others.... immediate and lethal.
Either way, I'm SOOOOOOOO screwed.
Something is up. My gut instinct's warning bells are SCREAMING at maximum volume and I feel that I should state it "for the record".
Monster is being..... "nice" (well, for her) to me. All of a sudden. She is even SPEAKING to me.(With me tentatively answering-problem is.. I have to be EXTREMELY wary of what I say, even the most banal reply will become twisted around. Example: I say "What a beautiful sunny day today Not a cloud in the blue sky!" It becomes: "Can you BELIEVE she said how black the sky is and it's probably going to pour for 3 days??!!!) Get the idea? So understand my alarm when,for no apparent reason,she just started talking this morning. This is SO not normal.
She's got something up her sleeve, definetly. What terrifies me is that no matter how I rack my brain, I can't imagine what it might be.
I'm not being mean. I'm speaking from first-hand experience of 15 years day in and day out with her. When she is like this there is ALWAYS an ulterior motive. Once Upon A Time, I used to think it was my imagination... but now... nuh-uh. Sadly, I just face the bald fact that: It means one of TWO things.... she is up to something, plotting and planning... OR - Heaven help me- she has done something.. in which case, I will have to wait for the proverbial shit to hit the fan and find out. God knows how long it will take too. Sometimes the plans are long-range, others.... immediate and lethal.
Either way, I'm SOOOOOOOO screwed.
I'm Still Laughing!!
You know, I really am still snickering over this. It is one of my favorite Homer Simpson "DUH!" moments. Allow me to explain.
It cracks me up when men get so flabbergasted that they start to eat their foot and end up with the whole leg. Makes me wanna say: "So, would you like fries with that??" Bwahahahah. A prime example happened to me today.
Went to the hospital for a doctor appointement, (OK, to weasel my way OUT of a hospital stay) and since I was there, I thought I'd go literally pop my head in the neice's room that deliverd the triplets (3 stooges)and say congrats, since I'm so damn sick with this "camel hacking up a lung" cough I have. Don't want anyone getting my cooties! Now then...
I went in. Made my congrats, Hellos and Sorry I can't stay Im sick just wanted to say hello. babies are beautiful thank God they are breathing on their own..etc...blah blah, blah. Her cousin is sitting there with his wife and their 3 month old. This cousin has only seen me hanging out at his cousins house at around midnight in clothes that were 2 steps up from my pj's. SO today, when I was all gussied up, I guess he didn't recognize me right off. because he said, LOUD in front of the whole room:
"OHHHHH! That's YOU!!! I saw you downstairs... um, yeah I saw you, Hi, but I didn't think I knew you! Um, I ...um.." Then he got this OH SHIT! Look on his face and clammed up. By then everyone in the room everyone stared at him and the other men just gave him pitiful looks.. DUH! Would you like fries with that pal?
Dork. ie: I was checking you out downstairs but didn't realize I actually knew you. Typical, just typical. If he had not stumbled around the sentence, it would have been considered pretty vague... but, he didn't. But I must say it made my day, considering how sick I was feeling. made me snicker my head off all the way to the car.
Just what a woman needs every now and then...
You know, I really am still snickering over this. It is one of my favorite Homer Simpson "DUH!" moments. Allow me to explain.
It cracks me up when men get so flabbergasted that they start to eat their foot and end up with the whole leg. Makes me wanna say: "So, would you like fries with that??" Bwahahahah. A prime example happened to me today.
Went to the hospital for a doctor appointement, (OK, to weasel my way OUT of a hospital stay) and since I was there, I thought I'd go literally pop my head in the neice's room that deliverd the triplets (3 stooges)and say congrats, since I'm so damn sick with this "camel hacking up a lung" cough I have. Don't want anyone getting my cooties! Now then...
I went in. Made my congrats, Hellos and Sorry I can't stay Im sick just wanted to say hello. babies are beautiful thank God they are breathing on their own..etc...blah blah, blah. Her cousin is sitting there with his wife and their 3 month old. This cousin has only seen me hanging out at his cousins house at around midnight in clothes that were 2 steps up from my pj's. SO today, when I was all gussied up, I guess he didn't recognize me right off. because he said, LOUD in front of the whole room:
"OHHHHH! That's YOU!!! I saw you downstairs... um, yeah I saw you, Hi, but I didn't think I knew you! Um, I ...um.." Then he got this OH SHIT! Look on his face and clammed up. By then everyone in the room everyone stared at him and the other men just gave him pitiful looks.. DUH! Would you like fries with that pal?
Dork. ie: I was checking you out downstairs but didn't realize I actually knew you. Typical, just typical. If he had not stumbled around the sentence, it would have been considered pretty vague... but, he didn't. But I must say it made my day, considering how sick I was feeling. made me snicker my head off all the way to the car.
Just what a woman needs every now and then...
6/02/2004
Somebody STILL Loves Me!!!!
Ahhhh, rotten as I am feeling still *lungs wheezing and heaving* I got the most WONDERFUL surprise in my Inbox this morning that just made my day. An email from Rose, my bestest friend in Los Angeles, where I used to live up until six years ago. I thought that she too, like me, had dropped off the face of the Earth, but no! She sent me an email! Wooooooohoooo!!! Yaaaaaaaaaaay! My heart is happy.
Rose and I worked together. But it was more than that. We were/are like sisters. Close sisters! We spent loads of time outside of work together...getting into various mischief. We would connive at work to weasel our lunches at the same time so we could "escape". We were always snickering between ourselves. Giggling. (Grrrrrrrrrllllll!!!) After work... we'd either go shopping... or hit the mexican restaurant up the street for drinks and just kill time until the weekly staff meeting at 7pm, then go back to the meeting and try to not act inebriated! Heh. I have missed her so much for so many reasons. The hardest part of my moving away from L.A. was not so much leaving the state/country, no. It was leaving my mom and.... my friends...like Rose. In particluar my Mom and Rose.
She came to the house that last day, when I didn't know which way was up. She came into the middle of a war zone, actually. It wasn't pretty. The whole time is still a daze to me...even now.But Rose came, and sat down with me for just a few minutes and said "breathe." She brought me a little going away gift (that I still have and guard jealously) and one for Arianna,and a bit of calm to the storm. The saddest thing was watching her leave my house that day, and not knowing when I'd see her again.
So anyway, her timing now couldn't have been more strange.But then again, maybe not so strange.
Just yesterday, I was telling Z that I want to go home for a visit in October if "the planets align properly" cause.. well shit happens, you know? I mean, IF my work doesn't mind... etc..The night before that, I was thinking of Rose so much.... Rose, if you're reading this... I had cooked your FAVORITE PERSIAN FOOD! I was looking at it, remembering how I used to bring you some for lunch to work.
So now, I really hope, and wish that this trip works out for me.Well isn't this interesting? Sometimes wishes DO come true.
I IM'd Z and told him about my email surprise and he too agreed how coincedental it all was. Then he said to me a Persian quote: "Del beh Del raah dareh." Which basically means that "Two hearts joined walk together[regardless of distance between them]".
And you know, I liked the thought of that. Thanks hon.
Ahhhh, rotten as I am feeling still *lungs wheezing and heaving* I got the most WONDERFUL surprise in my Inbox this morning that just made my day. An email from Rose, my bestest friend in Los Angeles, where I used to live up until six years ago. I thought that she too, like me, had dropped off the face of the Earth, but no! She sent me an email! Wooooooohoooo!!! Yaaaaaaaaaaay! My heart is happy.
Rose and I worked together. But it was more than that. We were/are like sisters. Close sisters! We spent loads of time outside of work together...getting into various mischief. We would connive at work to weasel our lunches at the same time so we could "escape". We were always snickering between ourselves. Giggling. (Grrrrrrrrrllllll!!!) After work... we'd either go shopping... or hit the mexican restaurant up the street for drinks and just kill time until the weekly staff meeting at 7pm, then go back to the meeting and try to not act inebriated! Heh. I have missed her so much for so many reasons. The hardest part of my moving away from L.A. was not so much leaving the state/country, no. It was leaving my mom and.... my friends...like Rose. In particluar my Mom and Rose.
She came to the house that last day, when I didn't know which way was up. She came into the middle of a war zone, actually. It wasn't pretty. The whole time is still a daze to me...even now.But Rose came, and sat down with me for just a few minutes and said "breathe." She brought me a little going away gift (that I still have and guard jealously) and one for Arianna,and a bit of calm to the storm. The saddest thing was watching her leave my house that day, and not knowing when I'd see her again.
So anyway, her timing now couldn't have been more strange.But then again, maybe not so strange.
Just yesterday, I was telling Z that I want to go home for a visit in October if "the planets align properly" cause.. well shit happens, you know? I mean, IF my work doesn't mind... etc..The night before that, I was thinking of Rose so much.... Rose, if you're reading this... I had cooked your FAVORITE PERSIAN FOOD! I was looking at it, remembering how I used to bring you some for lunch to work.
So now, I really hope, and wish that this trip works out for me.Well isn't this interesting? Sometimes wishes DO come true.
I IM'd Z and told him about my email surprise and he too agreed how coincedental it all was. Then he said to me a Persian quote: "Del beh Del raah dareh." Which basically means that "Two hearts joined walk together[regardless of distance between them]".
And you know, I liked the thought of that. Thanks hon.
6/01/2004
Strangely Enough,I'd Rather Be At Work!
Yes, you read right. I'd rather be at work. Im sick as hell. But I'd rather be at work. But NOOOOOOOO. Doctor made me PROMISE, damn his eyes, that I would sit my ass at home for the next 2 days and try and get better.
He is right of course. Last time I got sick like this, was last September in the hellish crappy year of 2003. I went to work. It was a new job... ie: i'd just been working 2 weeks. So, sick as hell - and looking it- I would dutifully show up to work UNABLE to BREATHE. I had been out of work due to the damn war for 8 months... and I'd be DAMMNED if I lost this job. My boss, who was a sweetie, told me to go home. I felt guilty though. So I would stay. I couldn't afford to lose this job. Doctor kept trying to admit me to the hospital. I refused. I told him why. He understood. He still wanted me in the ward, but he understood.
At least he understood until the day I showed up in his office unable to talk, and unable to get any air into my lungs. My airways had almost swollen shut. Into the ward I went... onto an almost constant oxygen/nebulizer with an IV shoved in my arm pumping in heavy antibiotics into me. 8 days later I was released, ON MY BIRTHDAY. I begged him... please, don't make me spend my birthday here! So I got to go home. Boss gave me get well/Happy birthday flowers. NICE ONES.He told me "we miss you around here, but YOU TAKE AS LONG AS YOU NEED. I JUST WANT YOU WELL, OK??" Sweetheart, ain't he?
So now I find myself in an almost identical position. Excecpt, that this time, I didn't fuck around and wait until I was REALLY bad to go to the doctor. SO. I have this on my side. Pray for me, will ya? But BOY have I digressed. I was saying WHY I hate staying home, now wasn't I?
My MIL. I'm home alone with my MIL. (Mindy, I know you are shuddering right now!)This is not a good thing by a long shot.Do you know what MIL stands for? MONSTER-IN-LAW. Now wait, before you get all huffy on me. Even Z calls her that. My mom is the one that thought up the nickname for her after a two month visit and first-hand experience. You think I'm gonna argue with my MAMA?? Um, NO!
See, she hates my GUTS. Literally. NO, Im SERIOUS. She daily curses me... for breathing. For eating, for sleeping.For not divorcing her son.For being on the computer.For cooking. SHE KICKS MY CATS. For... aw hell, you name it. Im serious. When I sneeze, instead of "Bless you" I get "God willing, you die". No shit!(Did I mention i've been sneezing a helluva lot lately? no?)I swear she says that. She frequently tells me "I will shit in your grave". How pleasant. I get called every cuss word in the PERSIAN langueage (and the few English ones she's managed to learn). It is quite an eloquent langeage too. Have I mentioned they have at least 15 words for bowel movements, for example? No? Well now I have. Anyway, when I'm home and her son isn't around to hear, she SCREAMS and SHREIKS CURSES AT ME.For nothing. Just for existing. Even with my bedroom door shut. Even with the music or TV loud.All day long. Doc wants me to stay home and REST? Yeah, sure.
I'm a very forgiving person. I put up with a lot. She steals from me. (from going through my purse taking money- and YES I saw that with my own eyes!- to makeup, to perfume, to.. to.. to...you name it!) she makes oodles of trouble for me wherever and whenever she can,talks shit about me as much as possible to neighbors, family.. strangers....etc.)My favorite freak out is when she got pissed that we had gone out to dinner on the way home from work, and she had cooked and we didn't know it. We were both too stuffed to eat again just to please her. She ranted and raved. When we went to bed, I heard a THUNK on the closed bedroom door. I was too scared, honestly to stick my head out, cause she was still shreiking. next morning, guess what it was? Hmmm? The CURRY SHE HAD MADE. She threw the WHOLE GODDAMN POT AT MY BEDROOM DOOR.At my WHITE bedroom door. It-was-everywhere! I have tried EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN TO GET HER TO LIKE ME. Tried to bribe her out of desperation with gifts, lunches, clothing,take her shopping, money,etc.. you name it.(cause she's shallow that way) I even learned HER language so we could communicate. (BIG FUCKING MISTAKE) No go. Hell, I even smuggled in booze and cigs AND helped her hide them from Z! I kept her boyfriend from next door a secret who used to sneak over after Z and his brother toddled off to work. OOPS! Well, not anymore. Oh well, that was 12 years ago. I did things for her that her own CHILDREN DONT DO. Driving her 2 hours on the freeway to a doctor when I was 9 months pregnant and so violently ill that I couldn't be in a moving car without pulling over to heave every 15 minutes. But even like that, I took her.Just to be kind. She doesn't refer to me by name, she refers to me as "it", or "this" or "that". How...pleasant.
Then came the day that she did something I will NEVER EVER forgive. If you think I'm a bitch for being so hard-ass about this, so be it.
Back in 1999, a year after we moved here, and after fertility meds,I became pregnant. Almost by accident really. Unfortunately, I became pregnant when I was severely ill with walking pnumonia that was misdiagnosed as "bronchitis". For FOUR months.Asshats. anyhoo... turns out I also came down with contagious mono as well. I was so damn sick. I was hospitalized for almost a month. I was in Quarantine... people had to wear gloves and masks to visit me. Fun eh? And you know what's interesing? As sick to death, (nearly) as I was... and during all those chest x-rays.... Not one person asked me if I might be pregnant. If I wasn't so sick and vomiting constantly, (I lost 25lbs in 13 days and was severely dehydrated also)watching the MIL looking happier and happier the sicker I got, hearing her thanking God...LOUD... I might have rememberd that I had swallowed those damn Clomid pills. That there could have been a snowballs chance in hell I was pregnant.But no. Actually, I almost died they told me. So. I was in the hospital. I got better. I went home. I went back to work. Then, then. My period started. Or what I thought was my period. But it kept on. and on. and on.Now this might startle some. But to me, not really. I've had this happen before. It's one of the little side effects of my infertility. Either you don't get the damn thing at all..... you force it by taking medications..... or it comes in a deluge for about a month.straight.so... things were getting bad. I was still working. The abdominal pain was crippling, again I thought it was just bad cramps. after a month of this.. I bought the pill my doctor in the US had told me to take to make it stop. I took as told. IT.DIDN"T.STOP. You know, I remember thinking, "if I didn't know better, I'd say I was miscarrying! yeah right!" Freaked, I went to a Gynae. He did a hemoglobin test. Guess what? I was bleeding to death.for almost two months.There was hardly any blood left in my body. My hemoglobin was 4.2. It should have been 14., folks.I'd fainted-blacked out actually-more times than I care to remember.. coming to... alone with my cat franticlly meowing in my face, terrified and running in circles around my prone body. I used to have to prop myself up on the wall in order to walk. During this time... I was working as a KINDERGARDEN teacher. I was going to work everyday, wrangling 2 sets of 24 4-year-olds for six hours. I was making lesson plans. Arranging curriculum. And this school sent home homework folks. Every week.
So, back into the hospital I go. This time... BLOOD TRANSFUSION AND IV.One in each arm. I would like to point out that watching strangers blood going into my arm freaked the shit out of me. As soon as my blood levels were pumped back up to more normal levels, I had an emergency D&C AND a laprascopy. Heh. They almost lost me while I was under the anesthesia. Fucking great. I went home. Weak, worn out, and half dead. I could not walk. So I was crawling to the bathroom on my hands and knees after trying to yell for help, because well, I couldn't hold it anymore. No resoponse from anywhere in the house. So I crawl, crying, so slowly and in such horrific pain.. then I hear the most evil sound I have EVER heard in my life and it sent chills up my spine. I stopped crawling and looked behind me. MIL was there, laughing, and saying "Get up you bitch! there's nothing wrong with you! GET UP! Why don't you die? I keep praying for you to die, but you keep surviving time and time again. You're stronger than you should be.You're supposed to be dead". I was just there on the floor, crying and so terrified.What blood there was was like ice in my veins. Then she left. I continued my crawl to the bathroom.
Tissue from the D&C was sent to UK for analysis. 2 weeks later, once I was home and the results were in that I had in fact miscarried, and after her son told her that I had lost a baby that I had wanted for so long and walked out of the room , I heard her say... "Thank you God! Thank you for not letting her have another child! Thank you for answering my prayer!" In that moment, I decided that I would never, ever make another effort for her... for anything.
Now I ask you: Would YOU want to be sick, weak, and alone in a house with her?
I thought not.
Yes, you read right. I'd rather be at work. Im sick as hell. But I'd rather be at work. But NOOOOOOOO. Doctor made me PROMISE, damn his eyes, that I would sit my ass at home for the next 2 days and try and get better.
He is right of course. Last time I got sick like this, was last September in the hellish crappy year of 2003. I went to work. It was a new job... ie: i'd just been working 2 weeks. So, sick as hell - and looking it- I would dutifully show up to work UNABLE to BREATHE. I had been out of work due to the damn war for 8 months... and I'd be DAMMNED if I lost this job. My boss, who was a sweetie, told me to go home. I felt guilty though. So I would stay. I couldn't afford to lose this job. Doctor kept trying to admit me to the hospital. I refused. I told him why. He understood. He still wanted me in the ward, but he understood.
At least he understood until the day I showed up in his office unable to talk, and unable to get any air into my lungs. My airways had almost swollen shut. Into the ward I went... onto an almost constant oxygen/nebulizer with an IV shoved in my arm pumping in heavy antibiotics into me. 8 days later I was released, ON MY BIRTHDAY. I begged him... please, don't make me spend my birthday here! So I got to go home. Boss gave me get well/Happy birthday flowers. NICE ONES.He told me "we miss you around here, but YOU TAKE AS LONG AS YOU NEED. I JUST WANT YOU WELL, OK??" Sweetheart, ain't he?
So now I find myself in an almost identical position. Excecpt, that this time, I didn't fuck around and wait until I was REALLY bad to go to the doctor. SO. I have this on my side. Pray for me, will ya? But BOY have I digressed. I was saying WHY I hate staying home, now wasn't I?
My MIL. I'm home alone with my MIL. (Mindy, I know you are shuddering right now!)This is not a good thing by a long shot.Do you know what MIL stands for? MONSTER-IN-LAW. Now wait, before you get all huffy on me. Even Z calls her that. My mom is the one that thought up the nickname for her after a two month visit and first-hand experience. You think I'm gonna argue with my MAMA?? Um, NO!
See, she hates my GUTS. Literally. NO, Im SERIOUS. She daily curses me... for breathing. For eating, for sleeping.For not divorcing her son.For being on the computer.For cooking. SHE KICKS MY CATS. For... aw hell, you name it. Im serious. When I sneeze, instead of "Bless you" I get "God willing, you die". No shit!(Did I mention i've been sneezing a helluva lot lately? no?)I swear she says that. She frequently tells me "I will shit in your grave". How pleasant. I get called every cuss word in the PERSIAN langueage (and the few English ones she's managed to learn). It is quite an eloquent langeage too. Have I mentioned they have at least 15 words for bowel movements, for example? No? Well now I have. Anyway, when I'm home and her son isn't around to hear, she SCREAMS and SHREIKS CURSES AT ME.For nothing. Just for existing. Even with my bedroom door shut. Even with the music or TV loud.All day long. Doc wants me to stay home and REST? Yeah, sure.
I'm a very forgiving person. I put up with a lot. She steals from me. (from going through my purse taking money- and YES I saw that with my own eyes!- to makeup, to perfume, to.. to.. to...you name it!) she makes oodles of trouble for me wherever and whenever she can,talks shit about me as much as possible to neighbors, family.. strangers....etc.)My favorite freak out is when she got pissed that we had gone out to dinner on the way home from work, and she had cooked and we didn't know it. We were both too stuffed to eat again just to please her. She ranted and raved. When we went to bed, I heard a THUNK on the closed bedroom door. I was too scared, honestly to stick my head out, cause she was still shreiking. next morning, guess what it was? Hmmm? The CURRY SHE HAD MADE. She threw the WHOLE GODDAMN POT AT MY BEDROOM DOOR.At my WHITE bedroom door. It-was-everywhere! I have tried EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN TO GET HER TO LIKE ME. Tried to bribe her out of desperation with gifts, lunches, clothing,take her shopping, money,etc.. you name it.(cause she's shallow that way) I even learned HER language so we could communicate. (BIG FUCKING MISTAKE) No go. Hell, I even smuggled in booze and cigs AND helped her hide them from Z! I kept her boyfriend from next door a secret who used to sneak over after Z and his brother toddled off to work. OOPS! Well, not anymore. Oh well, that was 12 years ago. I did things for her that her own CHILDREN DONT DO. Driving her 2 hours on the freeway to a doctor when I was 9 months pregnant and so violently ill that I couldn't be in a moving car without pulling over to heave every 15 minutes. But even like that, I took her.Just to be kind. She doesn't refer to me by name, she refers to me as "it", or "this" or "that". How...pleasant.
Then came the day that she did something I will NEVER EVER forgive. If you think I'm a bitch for being so hard-ass about this, so be it.
Back in 1999, a year after we moved here, and after fertility meds,I became pregnant. Almost by accident really. Unfortunately, I became pregnant when I was severely ill with walking pnumonia that was misdiagnosed as "bronchitis". For FOUR months.Asshats. anyhoo... turns out I also came down with contagious mono as well. I was so damn sick. I was hospitalized for almost a month. I was in Quarantine... people had to wear gloves and masks to visit me. Fun eh? And you know what's interesing? As sick to death, (nearly) as I was... and during all those chest x-rays.... Not one person asked me if I might be pregnant. If I wasn't so sick and vomiting constantly, (I lost 25lbs in 13 days and was severely dehydrated also)watching the MIL looking happier and happier the sicker I got, hearing her thanking God...LOUD... I might have rememberd that I had swallowed those damn Clomid pills. That there could have been a snowballs chance in hell I was pregnant.But no. Actually, I almost died they told me. So. I was in the hospital. I got better. I went home. I went back to work. Then, then. My period started. Or what I thought was my period. But it kept on. and on. and on.Now this might startle some. But to me, not really. I've had this happen before. It's one of the little side effects of my infertility. Either you don't get the damn thing at all..... you force it by taking medications..... or it comes in a deluge for about a month.straight.so... things were getting bad. I was still working. The abdominal pain was crippling, again I thought it was just bad cramps. after a month of this.. I bought the pill my doctor in the US had told me to take to make it stop. I took as told. IT.DIDN"T.STOP. You know, I remember thinking, "if I didn't know better, I'd say I was miscarrying! yeah right!" Freaked, I went to a Gynae. He did a hemoglobin test. Guess what? I was bleeding to death.for almost two months.There was hardly any blood left in my body. My hemoglobin was 4.2. It should have been 14., folks.I'd fainted-blacked out actually-more times than I care to remember.. coming to... alone with my cat franticlly meowing in my face, terrified and running in circles around my prone body. I used to have to prop myself up on the wall in order to walk. During this time... I was working as a KINDERGARDEN teacher. I was going to work everyday, wrangling 2 sets of 24 4-year-olds for six hours. I was making lesson plans. Arranging curriculum. And this school sent home homework folks. Every week.
So, back into the hospital I go. This time... BLOOD TRANSFUSION AND IV.One in each arm. I would like to point out that watching strangers blood going into my arm freaked the shit out of me. As soon as my blood levels were pumped back up to more normal levels, I had an emergency D&C AND a laprascopy. Heh. They almost lost me while I was under the anesthesia. Fucking great. I went home. Weak, worn out, and half dead. I could not walk. So I was crawling to the bathroom on my hands and knees after trying to yell for help, because well, I couldn't hold it anymore. No resoponse from anywhere in the house. So I crawl, crying, so slowly and in such horrific pain.. then I hear the most evil sound I have EVER heard in my life and it sent chills up my spine. I stopped crawling and looked behind me. MIL was there, laughing, and saying "Get up you bitch! there's nothing wrong with you! GET UP! Why don't you die? I keep praying for you to die, but you keep surviving time and time again. You're stronger than you should be.You're supposed to be dead". I was just there on the floor, crying and so terrified.What blood there was was like ice in my veins. Then she left. I continued my crawl to the bathroom.
Tissue from the D&C was sent to UK for analysis. 2 weeks later, once I was home and the results were in that I had in fact miscarried, and after her son told her that I had lost a baby that I had wanted for so long and walked out of the room , I heard her say... "Thank you God! Thank you for not letting her have another child! Thank you for answering my prayer!" In that moment, I decided that I would never, ever make another effort for her... for anything.
Now I ask you: Would YOU want to be sick, weak, and alone in a house with her?
I thought not.
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