One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, FLOOR!!!!


It is official......my cycle is CANCELLED.

Goddamnmotherfucking sonofabitch. Well shit.

Im so pissed and so sad.. and dissappointed.

My E2 numbers doubled nicely, and I've been having HORRENDOUS pain for the past 36hrs or so... Up on the Ultrasound table with my legs spread, Wand Monkey shoving the dildocam around my innards, and shaking his head. I said "there has to be something there. Im in AGONY!!" (and of course I can't look at the damn screen!)he says "Nuh-uh." and I said "nothin?????" in disbelief,,, and he shouts "NO NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (Well excuuuuuuuuse the fuck outta me if YOU"RE having a bad day Wand Monkey...... I don't really give a shit, you ASSHAT FROM HELL.) Then, when I went in his office, he was playing with a pencil. When I sat down in front of him he looked at me, said nothing , and scratched a thick No2 lead line through the empty days remaining on my cycle chart and scribbled "cancelled". I kinda wish he'd just slapped me instead. Honest. I was just staring, "deer in the headlights" style at my pitiful chart with that thick lead line across it. I said, I can't believe no eggs.. he said "well there are about 50 eggs, but all small, growing at the same rate.... too slow... not even one dominant follicle.. we are on day 10 of your cycle so cannot coddle them into growing... it would take another 7 days of stims at least to get them anywhere near trigger size... and anyway, that is extremely dangerous to your health at this stage of things. We would have to scrap the cycle due to OHSS anyway if they started growing." Ok, fine.

But THEN he suggests I see this German Professor who is coming, she is this great specialist apparently.. for a 2nd opinion. Fine I say. I'll go see her. Can I start at the end of June to try again though? He said,"Yes, but why don't you consider ovarian drilling?"

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! WHAT THE FUCK FOR??" Sorry, um. fuck no. Heeeeeellllllll no. I am in the mood for some testicle drilling though.... on HIM.

That is SO out of the question. And so unnecessary. For the past 13 years I have been EXTREMELY SENSITIVE to any and all types of infertility meds. Now he wants to take chunks out of my ovaries? That will grow back on their own in about 6-8 months?

Asshat must be on crack.

Sombody pass me a drink, QUICK. I think I prefer to be numb for a while....

2:10 am and guess who can't sleep?

Yup, me. I can't sleep. Again. Shit. I really hope my insomnia isn't coming back. That's ALL I need.

Maybe I can't sleep because my mind is frantically wondering if that tearing pain in the region of my left ovary a few times today is a good thing. I don't mind a little pain (or, in the case of the attack at 9:00pm in the middle of a PACKED grocery store.... a SHITLOAD of pain that almost had me doubled over) as long as I GET MY WAY IN THE END.

I have to go give blood at 8am... yea, in a few hours or so. Yes, I might just be having a little anxiety wondering if there is going to be a repeat of the blood draw disaster of Thursday. I'm not being silly or paranoid...... it's just WHERE THE FUCK IS LEFT, can I ask you? *stares at massive BLACK hematoma on left forearm and shakes head* Honestly? where? The only place I can think of is that lovely big, yet delicate vein across the top of my foot and I'll be goddamed if I let anyone near that one again... Ok, I'll be honest, I'm quite vain about my feet. I have pretty feet. I take care of them... I like my delicate highly arched feet...and I don't want a repeat of the lasttime some asshole came near them with a needle ,during my miscarriage/haemorrageing to death/pnumonia/blood transfusion in one arm, IV in the other, they tore the vein in my poor little foot and I ended up kicking the lab person doing it as I screamed in pain and fury "GET OUT OF MY ROOMMMMM!!"...Did I neglect to mention that I can leg press 230lbs? Told you my legs were sleek and muscled!) Yeah,basically I kick like a mule.

My E2 had better fucking be damn high. I don't want to give up so far into the cycle. (Gee, can you tell the tequila of last night has COMPLETELY worn off now?) Ooooh, Miss Scarlett is being extra potty mouthed today, isn't she?

About that hematoma from the blood draw fiasco..... In aforementioned grocerey store, before the wave of pain that didn't allow me to BREATHE for a minute.... and under the glaring flourescent lights.... I waved my arm in Z's direction and said "I bet people think YOU did this, cause I've seen about 6 look at it! (Look, it's 119 + about(according to amount of frizz in my hair) 75-85% humidity. I'll be dammned if I wear a long sleeve shirt!) He tried to be cute (fyi, it didn't work)and say, "Oh, they probably think it's a hickey!" followed by a snicker that would make ANYONE wanna give him a little slappy. After I stopped cracking up, I said,"Hickeys, in my experience (ahhhhhh memories....erm,GASP!! *slaps hand over mouth looking horrified*) do not turn BLACK. Purple yes, black, NO."

On the bright side.... it goes nicely with the haematoma I got last September that is STILL faintly showing pink on my left calf from falling down the back kitchen CEMENT stairs. Heh. No one believed I had actually fallen down the stairs. They thought I was covering up spousal abuse. "You SURE you fell down the kitchen stairs??" YES! I REALLY FELL DOWN THE STAIRS! JEEZ! Well, yes, right after Monster in law just got finished placing one of her usual curses for my iminent death on my head.... literally, as soon as she shut up, down I went.Personally, I think I blacked out, since at the time i had a severe lung infection and couldn't breathe... so much so that I was hospitalized the next day for 8 days!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
K Y Jelly

HAH! Got your attention, didn't I???

Apparently I'm a nosey bitch. With a truly dirty mind. (You love it, don't you?)I'll tell you what brought on that bit of bald-faced honesty.

In the grocerey store mentioned in the post above, well, this thing is more like those wharehouse stores... so you know it was PACKED! Anyhoooo..... I'll be honest.... I was minding my own business, hot, and well, trying to tune out Arianna nagging me to death for something that "I JUST GOTTTTTTTA HAVE MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM" of which she already has a gizillion at home and not turning into the poltergeist.*head begins spinning* So, after giving in as usualsince obviousl the look of death wasn't working AT ALL......this guy ahead of us in line's girlfriend is trying to toss some towels at him from BEHIND ME. (Quiet Genunine, Mindy and Lee! BTW: they were baby blue and waaaaaay too small to cover even my bosom! Heh.) Z takes them from her and passes them to her man unit in front of him. Helpful guy, Z. So that's when I notice that he throws the towels ON TOP OF THE BIGGEST BOX OF K Y JELLY I've EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. You know... trying to hide the box under the towels. TOO LATE SUCKER! My eagle eyes already saw..... so, mind deep in the gutter, I lean forward to Z over the cart and whisper, laughing my ass off..."HEY! Look, not right now, look slowly!..under the towels you just passed him..... KY! JUMBO SIZE." *mad snickering* Z, unobtrousive as usual... whips his head around trying to see. *me smacking his arm.... "BE SUBTLE!" *more snickering* Z turns around and says "well........ maybe it's for something else!" Me, (gaping at him in open mouthed in shock.) *sputtering in disbelief* Then I start whispering at him madly in Persian: "Look! It's LUBE. It's either for front or back. Then again, He's 6'4 and she's 5', so maybe he's HUGE and needs the help! Either way....... it's LUBE and it's the biggest tube I've seen ever! Hey, can you see any delay spray there? Bwaahahahahahahahaaa." Hah! Made Z look! I guess he kept thinking about it, cause he was laughing off and on the whole way home.

Yeah, I know, can't take me anywhere, can you? Case in point:

This story is ALMOST as good as the Saudi guy I was in front of at the checkout counter of yet another grocery store a couple of years ago. Me, minding me own bloody business watching the stuff get rung up and I look at the belt as this big Saudi guy plunks down on the belt behind my purchses the following items:
1) A box of x-lg condoms (size of box and size of condoms) Yeah, those Magnum ones.
2) A jar of Vaseline
3) Breath mints

Now, I ask you, how the hell am I supposed to keep a straight face? Hmmmm? I just happened to be on the phone with my recently divorced SIL.... and-again in persian to save my ass-(oops!)related the purchases to her. Never mind that her answer was "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! Magnums? Get his phone number for me willya?!" Um, no dear.Sorry.

But the helpful person that I am.... I wanted to tell him that the vaseline, being a petroleum product, breaks down the composition of the condoms. So, he might want to try.erm, KY or something.Or if he is really in love with the Vaseline, then , don't bother with the condoms! Then I thought "what the FUCK are you thinking Cyn?" and I kept my mouth shut.

Why the hell didn't these people just buy this shit from a pharmacy? I mean hell,they are making an effort to be subtle with their purchase...so you go to a grocerey store? Hell the pharmacy is next to the checkout in the same shopping center! I'm here in the middle of this Middle East country and in the Pharmacy, right next to the Band Aid's and stuff was the condoms and other such things. Needed some band aids.. and I noticed the pretty differnt colored bottles next to them on the shelf and wondered what they were. Well fuck me! They were bottles of FLAVORED LUBE!!!!!!! Yes, Flavored Lube. (Yes, I am SO waiting for all your brilliant comments. Please don't hold back at all. I know you're all chomping at the bit!!)Gowan... I know you won't be satisfied *snicker, guffaw* until you make your commments!

AMEN SISTAH!!


My physicist rocket scientist Aunt sent me some lovely quotes by women, for women and the one below was just such wonderful timing and ties in well with my previous post and what I'm going through these days.

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-

Im POSITIVE that the few men that do read my blog -and you know who you are sweetums!- are intelligent and honest enough to admit that..... ITS DAMN ACCURATE!(Isn't it fellas?)

Don't think Im cheered up. Im not.Im pretty sure that I have a snowball's chance in hell of my cycle continuing after Sat am. SO,Im NOT cheered up. Im tipsy.(A wee bit cause HEY, Im Irish! I can hold my liquor.)Got dragged to a sortof business dinner thingie-that I wasn't previously informed about-after all the crap of today,didn't wanna go, but had to. Made a new Irish friend tonight.She's great. Pitcher of Margheritas made by a heavy handed bartender.And I now have a place to stay in Ireland. ANY QUESTIONS?? I thought not.

Get off my ass.I haven't touched alchol in about 3 years. SO SHHHHHH! Actually, Z hasn't seen me drink since 1992 at my 21st Birthday. Heh. He told Irish girls' fiancee "Oh,I don't drink and neither does Cyn...." and Fiancee says "huh?She doesn't? She's on her 3rd glass!!" HEH.Im so fucked when this wears off tomorrow. I guess me tipsy is better than me sobbing.....

Quitters Never Win

On the bright side, my blood work results were actually ready. Considereing what I went through this morning to give the goddamn sample they better have been ready. I was bruised, poked repeatedly until 20 minutes of hell later, with the nurse literally sobbing and saying Hail Mary's under her breath, we got 2 big fat ml of blood.My arms and hands are all black and blue. Have you ever seen a 2 year-old that got into a box of band aids? Yeah, well, that's what my arms and hands look like.

Just so you know, I'm probably going to start cussing up a storm now. OK?

I had marginal movement in my hormone levels. I knew what he was going to say even before he came at me with the wand. Fuck. fuck. fuck. He gave me two options when the ultrasound was over. (goddammit)

1) Cancel the cycle as of today. OR

2) Take my injections at same high levels today and tomorrow, blood again on Sat. If numbers do good, then we continue, If not a good jump, then cycle is CANCELLED definitely.

You know me. I don't give up that easy. Fuck that. No way. Im gonna keep fighting till he tells me to piss off. So, Obviously, I took option 2. I made the decision on my own, because I WAS on my own. Now get this....

I asked him WHY??? WHY???WHY??? He said "Honestly? Hell if I know. It doesn't make ANY SENSE. Your hormone levels otherwise are fine-normal, the prolactin came down majorly, everything is fine. Ovaries look fine, Excecpt that there isn't much of any eggs growing. But there aren't even the usual cysts on there... everything is.............GENUINE!" I swear to God he said Genuine. (I can hear Our Genuine now..."Yaay, oh SHIT!Booo")I almost fell out of my chair. Of course, then I broke down, tried SO very hard not to cry, not to lose my composure, because I HATE THAT, but dammit, then he looked at me and said "You're a strong woman, don't let it get you down" (WTF???)and then, the damn broke. The tears just started pouring down my face. I was frozen and stuck in my chair. Then I told him. easy to say. I keep fighting... for years. You aren't the only doctor I've seen here. IVF isn't easy. It isn't the cost, it's the pain, the mental strain it puts on you, what it does to you physically its everything. You haven’t physically experienced it, so don't look me in the face and expect it to "not get me down". Of course Im devastated. Im not giving up yet, but I don't wanna get my hopes any goddamn higher than they were already. (you asshat)

So. All I can do is pray that today and tomorrow something starts happening in there. That when they take my blood from God knows where on saturday cause there isn't many places left... that Wand Monkey gets a number result that makes him sing.

Cause otherwise......Im SO fucked.

"The Hissyfit"

I seem to have been surrounded by a number of Asshats yesterday.

BEWARE: SEVERELY HORMONAL WOMAN AHEAD

Generally speaking, things could have gone better yesterday. They couldn't have been much worse. Well, they could, but not by much. I had originally planned to post on here when I got back from my wand monkey appointment, but I was so, well, furious still that even when I stopped to bring Arianna something on my way home, my regular drive-thru guy at McDonalds noticed it. He asked how I am and I said "oh fine" with a smile, and he looked at me, cocked his head (ok, he's gay, he swished his hips too) and said "um, hon, I don't think so. It shows in your eyes you're upset". Well hell. Of course, he then went on to tell me about his new boyfriend while I was waiting for Miss Persnickity's usual special order Happy Meal. (But hey, whatever rocks your boat, I say. Shit, with TWO -yes two!-gay BIL's, to think otherwise would be supremely hypocritical, don't you think?) Sigh.

So, where exactly shall I begin, hmmm? I know. Vampire visit at 6:50am.

I got stuck with a goddamn needle at 6:50am. That should be saying enough. Unless you want to know about the huge-ass briuse that was a result of the blood draw? That since that bruise is there, they won't be able to use the same arm tomorrow? Which SUCKS cause that is a lovely vein. pops out all by itself, showing fat and blue beneath my milky translucent skin. But Noooooooo, they are gonna have to POKE around in my LEFT arm tomorrow. Where the vein is virtually non-existant to the naked eye and they have to slap the hell out of the area like a dominatrix on crack to get an inkling of where to poke. NO? Fine. On to my afternoon appointment then.

1st, as I was getting situated in the stirrups, BEFORE they could put the "sheet" over my nether regions, Wand Monkey came barrelling in. Had the nerve to act embarassed, started to back out the door again. (remember? the table is DIRECTLY opposite the door. Why did HE act embarassed? Like he hasn't stared at my crotch EVER?? Jeez. Anyhoo, I was left alone with Nurse Lucy the Ditz. then WM came BACK IN. he reached for the wand and I said,very sweetly "whoa! Could you please be gentle this time?" He reared back and proceeded to look at me like I slapped him in the face. THEN I almost fell off the table, when he gently (for him) inserted the wand and said "Oh, Do you tell Z that too, "be gentle"?" *gasp sputter, gasp* then I said " Just shut up and don't hurt me, ok?!!" (Asshole.) Then he finished and left. I attemped to dress, realized once I'd pulled my slacks and underwear back on that something wasn't quite right. I was so irritated that I managed to literally "get my knickers in a twist". Just great.

After righting the wrong, I walked into docs office to hear him nagging on the phone to the lab about something or other. I see my chart in front of him. I peek, as usual, look at Lucy to see her harassed expression, and then notice that: THERE.ARE.NO.NEW.LAB.RESULTS.WRITTEN.FOR.ME. So then I begin eavesdropping on Doc H's tel conversation properly. I look at Lucy again, "What? They didn't give MY lab results YET??" I whisper at her, appalled and irritated. She shakes her head "no.". Dr. H looks so pissed. He hangs up. I said to him "My lab work not done?" He said "no." we had a little talk, Doc and me. I got really pissed and muttered "Bullshit!" every now and then. So he made a SCIENTIFIC GUESS based on my ultrasound and NOT on my blood work on how much meds to give me in the next 5 minutes. Well shit. He said to me "if they do this again, you should say someething to them" and I said "HAH! Ain't gonna be another next time. Im gonna go jump them NOW!!" He liked that. Then I asked how the U/S was. How many follicles? He said "they haven't grown enough to say". Well, that was depressing. They had better get in gear or he will cancel the cycle by Sunday. So now Im depressed AND Pissed. Bad combination. Went and got my injection. Oh joy. Then I tore downstairs to the lab.

Ok. All the "Lab Rats" know me awfully well. Which in itself is kinda sad. So the manager sees me coming and smiles at me. I said Hello. (with rage boiling in my head)He said "what can I do for you today?" and I replied:

"Well, I'd like to know WHY MY BLOOD RESULTS ARE NOT READY YET AND ITS ALMOST 4PM. I GAVE MY BLOOD SAMPLE AT 6:50AM TODAY." This was said in a really, really mean voice. Which is extremely uncharacteristic of me. I listened to his numerous excuses... refuting each and every one.

Well, one of our lab techs left on emergency leave" Me:"So,is that my problem? NO!" "well, if they don't get the blood to us in time.." and I said "That is TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE. BUT! MY BLOOD WAS WAITING FOR YOUR LAB RATS BEFORE THEY EVEN SHOWED UP FOR WORK AT 8AM!It should have been the first thing they did!" and so on. He ended up apologizing profusely and I said "just don't let it happen again. If it does, Im going straight to the owner of the hospital" (it's a privately owned hospital)

Actually, I was really, furious. Ahhh, the hormonal mood swings associated with the IVF meds have begun. Oh joy.

As an update. I am really, horribly nauseated from the Dostinex. And I had to take my second pill yesterday. UGH. I have yet another blood draw tomorrow and wand monkey appt in the afternoon. woo. hoo.yip.eee.

Gee, and how was YOUR day?

Back to Normal

Well, almost all is right with MY world, hell with the whole bloody BLOG WORLD as of today. (Now if I could just manage to get pregnant!)

My two DEAREST fellow bloggers, two of my bestest, most favorite people -period- are back from their respective hiatus' and boy am I happy! So I just wanted to say "WELCOOME BACK MINDY (The Mommy Blog) and GENUINE!", and as I said on Mindy's blog... It's about damn time!"

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!! Woooohoooooo!

This isn't to say that I didn't email, IM, and basically harrass them both on a daily basis, becasue, WELL, I did. So yes, techincally, I was getting my Mindy and Genuine fix... but, the blog is just... different.

They both write so well and the blogs are a lovely look-see into their thoughts and lives. It's like going to your best friend's house every day! I hope that one day, my blog will be as good as theirs are.

Welcome back you two. You were missed.

100 Things About Me

Well, Im still working on this list. But here's something to get you going! (updated May 27, 2004)


1. I’m a Libra (for those of you into astrology, Aries Rising)
2. I was born in N. Miami Beach, Florida, grew up in Plantation and Lauderhill. Till just before I was 6. Then Mom and I moved up to Jacksonville.
3. My parents divorced when I was 6. My Dad was so in love with my now-stepmother that my Mom decided to let her have him rather than see him loving someone else day after day.
4. I love my stepmother Naoemi to PIECES! She is the BESTEST STEPMOTHER anyone could ever want. Honest. She is an amazing lady.
5. How lucky could I be? A wonderful, gorgeous and loving Mama and an amazing Stepmother. Both with a killer sense of humor. Both with bad tempers. Heh.
6. I live in Bahrain now. My stepmother lived in Bahrain in the early 70’s for 5 years while my Dad was pining for her! (weird, no?) Bahrain keeps the women he loves away from him it seems.
7. My first cat’s name was Tiger. Sher liked to paw paint with my watercolors. Tiger was also smart enough to hide from Dad after having done so.
8. My second cat’s name was Thomas. But Thomas was a slut, and got pregnant, so we had to change HER name to Thomasina, the hussy!
9. I had an imaginary friend when I was little. It was a tall man with a moustache. Don’t ask me why. He just was.
10. I had my tonsils removed when I was 4. Maybe not a big deal, but I came to during the procedure and saw all these things sticking out of my mouth (clamps, etc..) Not very nice. They lied about the damn ice cream too. Bastards.
11. My first best friend in my life lived next door to me and her name was Christina. She had a Chinchilla Persian cat named Bootsy. I swore that when I was older, I would have a fluffy cat like Bootsy. Now I have 5 of them.
12. From the time I was an infant, I have had this intense love for: Dolphins, Ducks, and Panda Bears. Needless to say, Miami Seaquarium was a frequent stop on the weekends. The duck pond.. Anywhere at ANY time… and I was happy. BTW, I still go insane when I see them. Dolphins, Ducks and Pandas. The quacking of a duck still makes me smile.
13. My Nana (Dad’s Mom) was my LIFE until the day she died 9 years ago. Part of me died with her. I miss her terribly.
14. I lived in Munich Germany for over a year from age 6 to 7. Mom was engaged to a Frenchman that I hated with a passion and called him Bozo cause of his hair. It wasn’t orange, but it WAS wavy like that! Bwahahahaha.
15. Mom gave Dad a second chance when we came back from Germany. I told her it wasn’t working, cause I saw how sad she was. So we moved to Los Angeles.
16. I lived on an Indian Reservation in Oklahoma from the time I was 8 to 10. I HATED IT. In my young wisdom (and no offense to any Okies out there), I once told the nun at my church when she was explaining the creation of all things.”Sister Donna? I think God created Oklahoma either on the first day or on the last!” She asked “why child?” and I said “Well, the way I figure it, the first day HE wasn’t sure what he was doing yet, or the last day cause HE was tired!” Wasn’t I precocious?”
17. I was SO miserable there, I developed a mild ulcer. Get the picture?
18. I continue to stop whatever I am doing to watch a sunset, My Dad once told me to enjoy each sunset, that God took time out of his busy day to paint the sky for us here on Earth, and that each one is different. So to stop and enjoy each one, and I have never forgotten it, and to this day it brings me inner peace just to take that minute and watch the colors in the sky and to thank God for taking the time out of his busy day.
19. Im not necessarily a sports person, but, I CAN play basketball and deadly with a bow and arrow. Both of these qualities courtesy of Oklahoma. Basketball was mandatory, and we played “for real”. Coach George was a hard ass. The only way we weren’t on that court was if something was broken in our body or we were in hospital, or DEAD. And you know what? I still “Got it” too! The archery was an attempt to get close to my stepfather who was a Native American Indian from the Caddo tribe. He hated kids in general, but liked that I was into the archery, which he was.
20. I’ve narrowly missed being sucked up by a tornado twice in my life. Once in Florida when I was a toddler, and again in Oklahoma. IN both instances, the tornado was on ground right up until it reached the house I was in, lifted, went right over our roof, and touched down at the other end of the house and proceeded to destroy EVERYTHING in its path.
21. My first kiss from a boy was when I was 3rd grade and he was in 2nd. His name was Bruce and his Daddy was the big man in town and boy was he cute!. On the bus. IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. (I was mortified). His was the stop two houses before mine. He kissed me right before he got off the bus and left me there… red with embarrassment hearing the howling of kids from 1-12 grade on that bus. On the bright side, where all the kids resented me on the reservation cause I was white… when Bruce kissed me, overnight, I became popular and unhated. Woohooo! The two little platinum blond kids Cyn and Bruce.Awwwwww.
22. The bastard that lived on the stop between Bruce and me was named John Sifford. For no reason, except that he was Indian and I was white, after school sitting on the bus before leaving for school, John decided to punch me in the face. Unfortunately for John, Bruce had just walked onto the bus. One minute my head was spinning from the punch, the next, I hear a roar and Bruce (who was waaaay smaller than John) was on him and punching him repeatedly in the nose. I can still see the puddle of John’s blood on the bus floor. Talk about Whoopass!
23. Don’t you gotta love a 2nd grader with that kind of protection instincts? I do! I hear Bruce still asks after me till this day. Now that is sweet.
24. I have studied Tap, Ballet, since I was a small child and added Spanish dancing later.
25. I was flying unaccompanied on planes cross-country from coast to coast from the time I was 6 years old. With stops and layovers! I loved my adventures.
26. I joined the choir in 2nd grade and have been singing ever since. I even did some singing for radio commercials in LA when I was a teenager. So there!
27. I have acted professionally in the Theater in musicals before the age of 18. Two of which are Oklahoma! (stop laughing) and “Guys and Dolls”.
28. I am a voracious reader. I would rather read a book than watch TV. Although I love TV.
29. As a matter of fact, I was placed in a speed-reading class in 2nd grade since my reading skills were so advanced.
30. I had my IQ certified by age 10. Its 169. My Dad has his PHd in Psychology and a PHd in Mathematics. He has a couple of Master’s degrees too.. He tested all of his children’s IQ’s professionally at universities. Mine is higher than my 3 half-siblings and since I was Daddy’s pet, he LOVED THAT. My sister Shelly’s was the next highest. Dad’s IQ is well over 200.
31. I’m the short one in the family. I’m 5’7. My Mom is 5’9 before she got mild curvature of the spine, my Dad and brothers are 6’3, my sister was 5’11, and my uncles all around 6’ at least. All of my cousins are taller than me also. Only one of my Mom’s brothers was 5’6.
32. I had a German/Lab mix dog-named Snoopy. He was cute and oh so stupid. But I loved him so.
33. I am a professional makeup artist and did that for 10+years. I started by apprenticing to learn theatrical makeup when I was in 8th grade.
34. I love all types of music. But….
35. Since I was 11, I have loved Duran Duran (and still do!). I always swore I would meet them. My Mom said I never would and to get over it. She said this when I was around 13.
36. I met them when I was 16! I’ve always been persistent and determined.
37. When I put my mind to something, I don’t rest until I’ve accomplished it. My determination is a frightening thing sometimes.
38. I am very, very loyal. Once my loyalty is given, it is almost impossible to break. But it CAN be broken.
39. If I give my word, I keep it. My word and honor are my bond, and without that, I have nothing. Hence, I tend to keep my promises. And I don’t promise anything I’m not sure about.
40. I love to study about Medieval, Elizabethan, and Renaissance History. I’m totally obsessed. This includes swords, castles, and the clothing of the time also. Not just the historical facts.
41. I adore Scotland. I’ve been once. I WILL go again. It calls to me. So does Ireland.
42. I’m a good cook. I love to cook. It’s therapeutic when I’m all stressed out.
43. I love to travel and explore new places.
44. I frequently break into song and occasionally dance for no good reason. Just because.
45. I adore old movies. Particularly Musicals.
46. I was a department manager in a big department store when I was 17.
47. I met my husband when I was 18. I was married at 20. I had Arianna two weeks before I turned 23.
48. I love snowball fights.
49. I love to tell dirty jokes full of double entendres.
50. It takes a hell of a lot to shock me. Good luck trying.
51. I speak English (obviously), Persian, studied French, a little Arabic, and understand a good deal of Spanish.
52. I'm mechanically inclined. I can put together almost anything in no time flat, but HTML baffles the hell out of me.
53. I love children. And they love me. No, you don't get it. we are like magnets to each other... it's a rare child that doesn't like me.
54. I love almost all kinds of animals.
55. I hate, loathe, and despise Reptiles, Insects (excecpt Ladybugs) rodents (ok, rats and mice)and sharks. Everything else is fair game for my heart.
56. I have the patience of Job. Maybe more so. Which causes minor conflict with my determination from time to time.
57. Bugs Bunny is my idol. He's a genius.
58. I adore James Bond films.
59. Sean Connery,even at his age now, yanks my chain.
60. I STILL am in possession of my very first and much loved baby doll. Her name is Cindy. (And NO, that doesn’t make me a vain little kid) Cindy has traveled EVERYWHERE. I had Cindy since I was about 1 or so. MY GOD! That means she’s 31! Damn, she looks pretty good for her age, all things considered.
61. I can belly dance. Well. Actually, I’m pretty famous as a guest at the parties here. It’s GREAT EXERCISE too!!!!!!!!!! Heh.
62. My Mom is one of the kindest most loving and thoughtful people I have ever known. She pushes her self to the limit and is determined. (I get that from her) If I have even her pinky fingers worth of traits, then I consider myself blessed. When she walks in a room, even at her age, which is not ALL that advanced… people stare. She’s beautiful inside and out and it shows. Mama’s STILL got “IT”!
63. I almost died 4 times in 1999 alone. Almost hemorrhaged to death during a miscarriage (there was barely any blood left in my body), Severe pneumonia, during the D&C for the miscarriage they almost “lost me” during the procedure while I was “under”, and again a few months later when I had my gall bladder removed. I was touch and go there for a while, then almost gone, again while under anesthesia. 1999 was a pretty bad year.
64. But it wasn’t as bad as 2003. I have mentally blocked 2003 out of my memory forever. It was really too much for one person to deal with and damn, I’m glad its over.
65. It’s true that you never forget your first love. My first love’s name was David and a really amazing guy.
66. I’ve never, ever had a broken bone in my body before. (Of course, I probably will NOW!) Cracked, yes. I’ve had my collarbone cracked in 3 places, and my sternum cracked also. AT. THE. SAME. TIME. Among other injuries that included a severe concussion, really bad whiplash, back injury, facial contusions under and on my chin (from my face slamming down into the dashboard after hitting the windshield), and the nastiest… a shredded diaphragm. (not the birth control silly! The thing you breathe with!)
67. All in all, I’d say I’m a tough cookie, wouldn’t you?
68. I LOVE pumpkin pie.
69. I cooked my first Christmas Turkey dinner when I was 15. We were at Nana’s for Christmas and I was being bartender. My aunt and Nana had a little spat, so Aunt went to her room to pout and sleep, and, well, I got both my Mama and Nana sloshed. I mean, Nana was so blitzed her glasses would fog up on their own. I make a mean Whiskey Sour, eh? Heh. Dinner was up to me! They just sat there laughing like loons and I kept the drinks coming. No one else was capable. And it was GOOD too! You know, it takes a lot to get an Irishwoman drunk, so I’m pretty impressed with myself.
70. I tend to crack jokes endlessly when I’m nervous. This includes when I’m being wheeled into an operating room.
71. In first grade at Catholic School, My teacher was Sister Donna, and she used to harass me and I have no idea why. Math was never my strong point. So she would goad the other kids to make fun of me after she made me stand up in the front of the class. Who woulda thunkit? An evil Nun. I got my vengeance though. One day on the playground there wandered a cute little pussycat. Kitty came up to me. And BOY was I a happy camper! I spent the whole recess playing with MY NEW CAT. When the bell rang. Puss went into class with me and sat on my lap. Sister Donna freaked out. Told me to “get rid of that beast!!!” *chin up* “NO! It’s MY CAT!” back and forth we went. I wouldn’t let go of the cat. And kitty was pretty happy were it was. I got sent to the Mother Superior. I STILL wouldn’t let go of the cat. They all gave up. I took the cat home. It ran away 3 days later. I bet they were singing “How do you solve a problem like Cynthia…..?”(Sound of Music)
72. My dad used to like to take me with him to the garage when there was something wrong with his car, and have me tell the mechanic what I thought was wrong with it. When I was 7-9 years old. They would look all offended…. Then later my Dad would laugh in their faces when it turned out I WAS RIGHT! (told you I am mechanically inclined!)
73. When I look at my daughter, I can’t believe that I helped create such an amazing person, and I get all choked up. Every single time. She is my LIFE.
74. She started having unexplained seizures when she was 15 months old. She had the first one and it was so severe that she turned blue. As I rushed her to the changing table, her limp body in my arms, I heard what sounded like a death rattle in her lungs, and I couldn’t find a pulse. Somehow in the back of my mind, I remembered the CPR I learned in my high school Health & Safety class. I got her breathing again and a pulse back after what seemed like forever. I was calm and focused during the whole thing. Then I thanked God. You should have seen the paramedics faces when I explained everything to them. She was in the hospital for 8 days.
75. I willingly admit that I did the same thing, CPR on my cat. She was 3 days old. Her mother (Isis) had accidentally suffocated her and she was almost completely lifeless. But she was FIGHTING! Trying so hard. So I had to try too! If you read about my pets, Scarlett the Cat is the cat I saved. I didn’t name her. Arianna did. Scarlett follows me everywhere ever since, just like a dog. I’m her mama.
76. My nickname from my parents is………….. Friss. Also, Miss Priss. Cause ever since I was little, I had “the walk”. My walk is…. Special and totally natural. On me, a woman it’s nice. But. My dad has the same walk. It is something to behold on a man 6’3! Heh. Genetics are amazing, aren’t they?
77. I drive a Silver Chrysler 300M.... and I LOVE MY CAR!!!!!! Vroom vroom! Chrome rims and everything. LOVE IT! Sigh.
78. Im 5'7. I've got long wavy red.. bright red.. hair to my waist and clear green eyes. Very pale milky Irish skin. I burn in a millisecond. I wear a size 9 -9 1/2 shoe (love me some shoes!!!)my legs are 38.5 inches long.(look, for my height, that's LONG!). You're on crack if you think I'm gonna tell you my bra size!(but they ain't small!)
79. I adore the smell of Lavender and Freesia.
80. My favorite "cut" flowers are Roses...and NOT red either! Anything but red. I melt when I see fuschia pink or purple, or bright yellow colored roses. I also like those two-colored ones that I've only seen in the USA. They are creamy beige with red tips and the other way around. Second: Irises. The Purple or Blue ones. Flowers in a yard... any really, but I love Hydrangea bushes, Geraniums, and that beautiful reddish-pink Bouganvillia.
81. BARNEY gets on my very last damn nerve. Seriously. He gives me the creeps. I didn't let Arianna watch it as a child, she found Barney on TV one day all by herself and I've been screwed ever since. Now my 2 year old great neice & Nephew drag me to SING WITH BARNEY and GOD help me, I still remember all the damn words! ALL OF THEM. Give me Elmo anyday! Allright, I'll admit it. Im addicted to Elmo. BUT! did you know that I can do ELMOS VOICE???? Heh... Kids LOVE IT!Zoe's a badass too! She's SO ME!
82. When I moved to Bahrain, I worked as a KINDERGARTEN TEACHER for a year. I LOVED IT. (Ok, excecpt for the kid that bit me.) Yes, it shows you what a badass I am that I handled a class of 23 4 year-olds! I still see "my kids" and they run and hug me. I'm Still Mama Cyn. And shame on me, I had my "pets". Well, most of them were my "pets". I'm playful as hell with kids, so we all had a blast. They liked for me to sing to them. Down side... I caught every single germ they brought to school.(refer back to my bout with pnumonia and subsequent miscarriage) Doctor gently suggested I not teach anymore.
83. I don't smoke....anything.
84. From the time I was a very small child, say 3 or 4, I have loved sitting with very old people listening to their stories of when they were young "back in my day" stories.
85. I have been to Iran 3 times and yes, I covered my hair, but it isn't as paranoid as you think there. I will cover just about anything for inexpensive shopping. I brought home a persian carpet each trip for 1/16 what it costs in the US! Hell yes I'll cover for savings like that! Actually, I found the majority of people to be very kind and friendly. The food was amazing. The scenerey gorgeous. and the history..... Oh my, so many places to visit. Museums, historical sites, the old bazaars, palaces. Esfahan is my very favorite. I can't begin to describe it. And I haven't seen any pictures on the internet that can touch the ones I've taken while there.I love to just sit and watch the handicrafts they make. A 2 week vacation there costs...peanuts.
86. Put me in any historical place to roam around in and Im a happy camper!
87. I can't say I have one FAVORITE color, but I do like: emerald green, purple, cream, salmon, turquoise, blues. Vibrant jewel toned colors.
88. I get really, really angry when I see parents with their kids NOT in car seats.
89. I could never be a junkie. I have this strong aversion to needles. It's so bad that sometimes, after getting an injection, I pass out.COLD.
90. I've NEVER dated a guy my age. I also NEVER dated a guy I went to school with. Why? Cause in elementary and jr. high, they used to tease me and harass me generally. When, over a summer, I changed and they all took note... sorry guys,It's MY time for revenge now! So I would be friends, but thats it! HAH!
91. I learned to drive when I was 14. My best friend's mother (Lana) was a driving instructor. I was spending the night at their house, I woke up early one morning to find her crying casue she had to take the family dog to be put to sleep. They had this dog for 15 years. So, I went with her, and she was so screwed up on the way back, she couldn't drive. So she did the gas and brake, and I steered, all the way home. She was actually quite proud of me, and I got to do gas and brake towards the end!Heh.
92. I could NEVER be a vegetarian. I like steak too much. Give me a Fillet mignon or a big fat Top Sirloin and I'm a happy woman.
93. The night I met my husband, he went on and on about the relationship that had just broken up.... almost the WHOLE night.(I sat there thinking "what the hell is it about me that makes men talk to me about their relationships??" That week, 6-countem!-6 of my male friends had come to me doing the very same thing!) His brother and I were in college together and had become friends for 8 months before this group evening out. Of course, three months later he asked me to marry him!
94. I got stood up for my Senior Prom. My stupid date went and got stoned and forgot all about it! Asshat. And it would be a cold day in hell before I go stag!
95. I'll be the best, most loyal friend you ever had in your life. But you don't want to be my enemy (ie: don't lie about me or back stab me). Trust me. Just don't go there.
96. If you can get me the recipie for Norweigan Cruise Lines' "Bahama Mama" drink, I'll be your slave for life.
97. The evening I turned 21, I was sitting on the cruise ship SS. Norway (NCL), plastered off my ass on Bahama Mama's, sailing through the BERMUDA TRIANGLE. (and I have proof) two days later, a tropical storm cropped up right where the ship was sailing, and that was some crazy shit! The then biggest passenger ship in the world (before the QM2) was tossing about like a canoe. But boy was it fun.
98. I love mangoes so much, I can eat 4 big ones in one sitting and not blink.Actually, Im a sucker for just about any melon also.
99. I've had people on THEIR KNEES begging me to make them my special "almost better than sex" cake. Literally. I get requests MONTHS in advance even.
100. I'm a blog addict.

Hellooooo? What’s going on in there???

I’ve got another appointment with Dr. H/Wand Monkey Extraordinaire tomorrow afternoon. Blood draw with the Vampire at 6:50am and Ultrasound & injection in the afternoon. I am anxious to see what’s going on in my ovaries. I wonder how many follicles are growing?

I tend to respond well to any of the ovarian stimulation medications. That isn’t my concern. I tend to respond too well and have a bumper crop in there. That could be bad. I have to be monitored carefully to prevent the OHSS (Ovarian Hyper-Stimulation Syndrome-please see IVF overview). Dr. H is usually worried about that with me too. I can’t prevent it, because I always get it to some degree, never mild though, but I just have to be careful it doesn’t reach the dangerous stages. The number of follicles growing is usually an indicator for me of what to expect.

I took my first dose of Dostinex on Sat. (for the prolactin problem) It has made me so nauseous I can’t even describe it properly except to say that I haven’t eaten much of anything since then, and the smell of just about any food makes me gag. I try not to think about being nauseous, but it’s just kind of there, you know? The nausea is calming down some,not enough,but some, and I just remembered… I have to take another Dostinex tablet tomorrow. UGH. Great.

I think I’m going to have to have a little talk with Wand Monkey when I see him tomorrow. I don’t really think I can handle a repeat of the last ultrasound I had. I was flippant in my description of it, but to be perfectly honest, it hurt like hell. I wanted to shout and cry at the same time. I just hope he listens. I also hope he doesn’t start rolling his eyes at me, cause I might just get all snippy on him and tell him off. I also think I can safely corner him and find out WHO he plans to DUMP me and my follicle/eggs on while he is away next week. His roundabout avoidance of this question is really riling my Irish temper; and trust me, it isn’t pretty. Wouldn’t you think he’d no better than to try and cop attitude with any woman that he knows for a damn FACT has been being pumped full of hormones for days? Yeah, you would.

Despite all my cracks about him and the occasional abject fear I experience when he seems confused about my treatment, he does have a good success rate. All I have to do is look at Z’s niece’s huge belly with triplets in it thanks to him and I feel some reassurance. (it helps that we are almost next door neighbors… there’s one house separating us) Looking at all the pregnant women waiting to see him and finding out that they too went through this crap.. also helps. Yeah, keep reminding yourself that!

No Patience for Asshats Today

And there seem to be an abundance of asshats out and about in my vicinity today.. and it’s barely 9am!

Maybe I should first state that I am a friendly driver. Considerate even. I stop for people, I let people change lanes (when they signal), I am the person who will wave for you to turn first. But today? There was the 3 - count em!- THREE asshats driving so damn slow in front of me this morning. I would pass one, and get to another one. Then there is the asshat that cut me off, the asshat that turned made a U-turn left IN FRONT OF ME from the center lane (I was about to turn left. Sonofabitch. By this time, the next asshat really had it coming.

I wanted to change lanes, in front of him. Turned on my signal, and there was loads of room to move over. Asshat speeds up so I can’t get over. I move back in my lane, pissed. He does it again. And again. I’m more pissed now. Then I think, wait; if he hits me, it’s his fault! Turn on my signal, floor the gas, and cram my way in front of him.(hey! My turn is coming up!) Now He’s pissed. Good. Asshat. You think that was my revenge? Oh no. You should know me better than that by now. Plus, I’ve got all these extra hormones pumping through my system, remember? Heh. Heh. Heh.

5 minutes later, it seems that Asshat needs to now get in MY lane. Yeah, like THAT will happen! He’s trying to cut in front of me. So what does Scarlett do? Well lets put it this way, if my car was any closer to the car in front of me, they’d be having sex. Then I leave a little room, asshat gets happy, and I speed up. He can’t. Get. In. Looks at me, probably cussing me out and making hand gestures. So I look at him and laugh in his face and then drive off!

Take that, Asshat!

******************************************************************

Arianna decided to do some impromptu entertaining last night. She told me later that she was so glad I agreed to this even though it was early on a school night. It was just us in the house last night.

Z’s mother started her usual fits for attention, calling anyone that will answer their phone saying she’s dying, etc… when there is actually NOT A DAMN THING WRONG WITH HER, not at all, as usual. “And the Oscar goes to………..” So off they went to the doctor… late in the evening. Hell, she’s 75 and nothing wrong with her at all, other than some mild arthritis. She looks & dresses like the landlady from 3rd Rock from the Sun and behaves like the old lady in the film “the Duplex”. Perhaps you’ve an idea of what lives with us. But my MIL is worse… by far. She gives Arianna no peace at all. When Arianna’s friends come over, Monster spies on them, is constantly screaming and cursing at me (what’d I do?? Oh yes, I forgot, I’m BREATHING STILL! Silly me!) and them till everyone leaves in misery.

So, with “grandma” out, Arianna made some plans. You think I had the heart to say no? Hell no I didn’t. I understand completely.

Her girlfriends from across the street (aged 7-12) “the gang” showed up for a film on our big screen. I like the roundabout way she suckered me into the big TV with surround sound.

A: “Mom?”
Me: “Yes baby, what?”
A:” My friends are here.”
A: “Can my friends come over and watch a movie with me? They want to watch Lizzie McGuire!”
Me: “um, (looking the girls standing behind her in a line) sure. Hi Girls!”
A: “Great! The big TV? Please Mom??” *looking all adorable and sweet*
Me: “ Okaaay” and I watch the gang shoot into the living room at Mach 5.(I’m such a sucker)
A: (whispering) “Mama???? You gonna fix us up?”
Me: “Yes! Go start the movie”

That was my cue. So, Popcorn, chips, drinks and sweets were deposited in front of Her Majesty and her Ladies In Waiting in short order. I was greeted with squeals of delight. Then I went to hang out online for a while.

I couldn’t help smiling because every so often, I would hear my daughter’s uncontrolled laughter echoed by that of her friends. It does a Mama’s heart good to hear that kind of pure laughter coming from the throat of your child.

I would occasionally go sneak a peek in on them; just to make sure everything was ok. Usually, I would find them all collapsed on each other, laughing their heads off, rewinding certain scenes and laughing all over again. Other times, they were silent and still, deeply engrossed in the film. It was an amazing sight. Usually, there is some sort of bickering amongst them after at least an hour of being together, but no, they were all happy as clams. By the way, if you are entertaining pre-teen girls.... the Lizzie McGuire movie is "the shit!".

All in all, it was a pleasant night. Peaceful for a change.

Oh, and my MIL? Nothing wrong at all. She was depressed after the visit that she wasn’t dying. (More like that she got caught in yet another drama) That right there is some weird shit. Doesn’t it make you wonder why she’s so scared to meet her maker?

Heh. She should be.

My Wandering Mind

In a way, Im luckier than some of my ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology) "Sisters". So many of them, most actually, it seems, have to do their own injections. I am lucky because Dr. H/Wand Monkey Extrordinaire is a bit of a control freak.

He insists that the nurses give the injection and SIGN OFF ON IT after it's done. See? Control freak. In a way, I can't blame him. He wants to make sure the injections are given properly, and he doesn't want us "screwing yourselves up accidentally". very good.

So, every day, I haul myself to the hospital, down the long corridors and up that huge double marble staircase to the 2nd floor to the Gynae/OB/GYN/ and IVF Clinic part of the hospital for my injection. Injections on the weekend are always interesting. Cause I have to go to ER for my injection. There is a nurse in the ER that I would rather slit my wrists than present my backside for her sticking pleasure ever again. Her name is Minnie. I have a few problems with Minnie.
1. She's kinda rude in a condecending way.
2. She is rough -I realize it is an intra-muscular injection, but she really puts her whole arm into it, if you get my drift.
3. This medicine should be injected s-l-o-w-l-y. The bitch crams it in as fast as possible which causes horrible pain.
4. She came [ ]this close to hitting my siatic nerve and I was limping like Quazimodo (Hunchback of Notre Dame) for over a week, whimpering. On top of THAT, the area she gave the injection to bruised the size of a fist.... and that means...
Didn't leave much area available for any injections after that!
5. She smells. She obviously bathes, but... she reeks. So I have to hold my breath till she's done with me. (Did I mention Im asthmatic?)

I will never forgive her for giving me my sub-cutanneous injection (the arm one)the way she did. I think I will elaborate. Sub Cutanneous injections... the needle is inserted just under the skin, betweeen the skin and muscle. Well, she got that part right. But THEN she wiggled the GODDAMN NEEDLE BACK AND FORTH.Yes, under the skin, which left me thinking... "Even if I gave it to myself I couldn't screw it up like this, could I?" And I am terrified of needles. I can't look at them. I have no idea why. 9 times out of 10 I will pass out if I see it. In fact 3 times when I was having an IV line inserted I have passed out. I can't even watch my cats get an injection.

I'm wondering who is gonna stick me this afternoon since Nurse Lovely is having her day off. Most likely Nurse Lucy the Ditz.She is sweet but not too bright. I don't necessarily dread it this early on in the process, and I'm not...yet.It's just another one of those unpleasant things in life we have to suffer through.

I can't wait for my favorite IVF nurse to get back on the 30th! She went home to Phillipines to get married. Come on Nurse Freelane... I'm waiting for you!


*****************************

Last night, Arianna brought up the subject again of her wanting a little sister.

She doesn't know I'm doing another IVF. She knew about the first two and was so disappointed when they didn't work. I don't have the heart to build her hopes up. The second time I came home after the Egg Collection, I honestly felt I had been 10 rounds with Mike Tyson. I just went home and collapesed on my bed. I saw her staring at me from the door to my bedroom with a sad look on her face. Then it changed to a look of determination and she dissappeared from the door for a while. In a few minutes she came back carrying a cup of tea and a bagel with cream cheese. she put it on my bedside table, smiled at me, and gave me a big hug. She told me "eat Mom. You look so tired. The tea will help too.Im sorry you have to go through this." then she came and crawled next to me on the bed and glued herself to me. It doesn't get much better, does it?

When I am a very old woman, I hope that I will be able to remember that.

My trying for this baby is not just for me. It is for her too. I am so determined it's unbelievable.

I pray for both our sakes it works this time.

For all my "sisters" and the men who love them

You know, I was going to forward the following as an email,but then I liked it so much that I decided to post it on my blog instead. I rarely if ever put anything faintly breathing of the religious because I don't want to offend, but I think I'm safe with this one.I hope you like it too.


By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day of working
overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this
one?"


And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to
be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all
replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that
can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything
from a scraped knee to a broken heart -and she will do everything with
only two hands."
The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish."
But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this
creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when
she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."
The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her
so soft, Lord."
"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You
have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."
"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel. The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate." The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one." "That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear! "What's the tear for?" the angel asked. The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride." The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing." And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give. HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

A new twist to an old “favorite” and an overview to IVF

This time around, I will not, I repeat NOT be using Decapeptyl to control my LH (The hormone that makes the ovaries release eggs). Thank GOD! (That was a sincere prayer of thanks to my Maker.) Last IVF cycle, I had 34 shots of Decapeptyl. 34. Injected into my biceps. One. Every. Day. Needless to say, It hurt like hell. My arms were sore up until about a month ago. This time, I am using not the Agnoist Decap, but the ANTAGONIST called ORGALUTRAN. It sounds like a real joy. I will probably begin one injection every other day beginning probably this time next week. In MY thigh. I like my thighs. There is basically no fat anywhere on them. They are nice firm muscle running along the top. I got a baaaad feeling about this. But I’ll take it when it comes.

A couple of people have asked me to give a brief “IVF for Dumnmies” version. So I thought I’d give a run down of the meds I’ll be on this time around and a small overview to the IVF/ICSI process for those of you that have not had the “pleasure” and don’t know what “fun” I’m in for. I AM NOT A DOCTOR. I’ve just been going through this more years than I care to think about.

I am starting out, today; May 22, 2004 on 225 IU of Gonal F. Which is recumbent FSH. (I covered this med in an earlier post a few days ago). I am also being given Dostinex for my high prolactin. I will take 1 tablet today, and another on Tuesday the 25th. Just those two tiny expensive tablets will bring my prolactin down to normal. I will get an injection of Gonal F every day, for about 13 days… could run up to 18 days depending on my ovaries response to the medication. When the follicles (eggs) reach a size around 19-21mm each, the Gonal F injection will stop, along with the Orgalutran injection and I will be given a “trigger” shot of HCG called Pregnyl. The HCG is the hormone that opens the floodgates and does the final “maturation” of the follicles and pops them out. Except that… they will be SUCKED OUT instead. 36 hours after the HCG injection (which I will have taken at around 2am-shudder) I will be admitted as an outpatient, anesthetized deeply, and….. basically they stick a big needle with a suction capability up your hoo-ha through your vaginal wall INTO the ovary and extract the eggs, with the help of ultrasound (so yes, a wand monkey will be there also). First they poke the right side. Then the left side. In my case, I always develop OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome) to some degree. Thankfully I haven’t had to be hospitalized yet for it. But I came damn close to it twice. It is horrible, and it can kill you if you are not being watched carefully. Roughly, all the fluid in your body moves to your abdomen, heart and lungs. So, you..technically, drown. When the doctor does my Egg Collection after the HCG trigger, He always sucks as much of the fluid built up causing me horrific pain to lessen my chances of hyperstimulation.

When you wake up from the Egg Collection, to use the eloquent words of one of my fellow IVFers, “you beg for a painkiller injection OF ANYTHING to make you feel like you’re being fucked by a horse instead of an elephant.” Thank you for that. You know who you are. I could not describe it any better myself.

While we poor females are being poked and prodded and stuff… our males have to go spank the monkey….. and aim into a cup with what I have heard is WAAAAY too narrow an opening. Their “man juice” is then put into a “Spinner thingie bob” for about an hour. Why? To make the lazy useless sperm sink to the bottom of the test tube and leave all the frisky ones at the top, swimming around madly. Before the Embryologist dumps the good sperm into the petrie dish with the wonderful eggs, he takes a sample… a semen analysis and records it. (Actually, he did one before the spin and now again after) Then he dumps them with the egg (s). Hopefully they fertilize. If not, he may opt to do ICSI (where they grab a sperm at random and shove it into an egg. Forced fertilization. Kind of how they make cultured pearls)

Then….. we wait. 2 days. On day 3, I go back, assume the position, and for about 20 minutes, the doctor inserts all manner of instruments inside, including a thin catheter into which the embryologist will bring a hose like thing with the embryos in it to the doctor, he will insert hose thing (think turkey baster, only LOOOONG and thin) and squirt! He inserts the embryo(s) into the place in the uterus that looks the most welcoming to his professional eye.

Now for what is called the Two Week Wait. I like to call it torture or hell on earth. Call it what you like. If you think you are a calm rational intelligent person, I have one thing to say to you: “Hah! You’re delusional!” Our bodies have been pumped full of hormones for weeks, making us mildly violent and cranky….. imagine PMS x 50. NOW add a vaginal (or rectal) suppository/pessary named Cyclogest which I have renamed PSYCHOGEST unofficially! This is inserted every day, every 12 hours. Without fail. This stuff is PURE PROGESTERONE. When I am in the mood, I will transcribe the bullshit the pharmaceutical company has printed in the leaflet they enclose with it. Hilarious, I promise you. Ask any… ANY woman who has taken it. They will laugh themselves silly.

The 2ww drives you up the damn wall. Some women have no “phantom symptoms”. Some have them ALL!!!!!! The progesterone causes false pregnancy symptoms. You think one minute you’re pregnant. The next you’re sure it didn’t work.. It’s like temporary bi-polar disorder. Up/down/up/down. You feel you are losing your marbles.

Personally, each IVF try for me has been different. The second one was the worse, cause I had every pregnancy symptom imaginable. Some women continue to hyper-stimulate even up to the end of their 2ww.(this is usually in my case). Then, you are paranoid every time you go to the bathroom. Afraid that AF has come again. At the end of the 2ww, some doctors do a Blood Beta HCG, ie, a blood pregnancy test. Other clinics I know of just have the patient do a home pregnancy test 14 days post embryo transfer.

At any rate, I hope you will be along with me for the rollercoaster ride to come for the next few weeks. I will strive to be honest and descriptive, as usual, so that you will know what it’s all about, first hand.

I will continue to post other things too. This is not just a blog about my IVF trial, but about me. It just so happens that right now I’m going through this and I will share it in the hopes that someone else out there won’t feel like they’re the only one. The whole process fascinates me.

Cross your fingers… and here we go!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wand Monkey Strikes Again

Scarlett sings: Where do I begin… to tell the story of what the wand monkey did to me…… a tale that seems as never-ending as the sea…… where do I staarrrrt????? (Did ya recognize the tune?? Huh? Didya?)

Ah, yet again, it was a case of, Wham! Bam! Get up now mam! But let me start at the beginning, shall I? Cause it’s a HOOT!

I was punctual, as usual. Wand Monkey as usual… wasn’t. I went roaming at will around the clinic. It was like a ghost town. I couldn’t find a damn person. I realize it was only 20 minutes after it reopened from lunch break, but Jeez! Wandered back to the front desk and chose a victim to go hunt down some IVF Clinic staff for me. Man am I stupid. I picked the girl I’d never seen before. Gave her a big… I mean BIG smile and then…………rolled my eyes heavenward, praying for patience as the new girl asked me my name……..8- yes EIGHT- times. Even with the other nurses from other departments saying “HI CYN!!!, get Doctor WAnd Monkey for her…” each of these times. Finally new girl comes back, says “doctor has a patient…. Have a seat on the sofa someone will be out to get you.” Ok. Fine. I sit. And sit….. and sit… and sit some more. Im getting damn irritated. I count the ceiling tiles. I watch with interest across the hall through a door the technicians playing with the new hospital beds that I probably helped pay for.(What??? They were nice!) But after a while… even that got boring… I could hear the muzac playing softly. Did I mention how comfy that sofa is I’m sitting on?? No? Bad Cyn. Its’ SOOOOOOOOOOO damn comfortable. In other circumstances that would be a good thing. Not when it’s hot, you’re bored,…there’s classical muzac playing softly…..and a comfy sofa underneath your butt. Did I mention the lighting is soft too? Not that harsh florescent lighting, Oh no! They left me on the sofa for half an hour.

You guessed it… I started getting drowsy. Real drowsy. I kept fighting it, but I am pretty sure that I dozed off once or twice, not positive, but I have a hunch. So FINALLY a nurse came to get me, and guess what?? It wasn’t Ditzy Lucy either! Wooo hooo! It is one of my favorites from the ward on loan for the week! (thank you God!)It's Nurse Lovely!Yaay! We walk in to Doc’s (aka wand monkey)office. He barely looks up, says hi,,, and keeps on typing on his computer. I sit. Wait for him to finish. Consider asking him if he would like to dictate to me and I will type it since I type 85wpm… so I can GET THE HELL ON WITH MY APPOINTMENT ALREADY. But I don’t. I stare at him intently. Nurse lovely puts my new chart on the desk. It has the blood work results on there from the other day. Still he keeps typing and says “just a minute”. I count to 10. Twice. AHA! I know. I ‘ll look at my chart. That will piss him off.. cause he HATES THAT! I snatch the chart off his desk and start looking at what’s scribbled down. His head whips up and I see him hit Enter…. HARD. Heh heh heh. He gives me “the” look and holds out his hand. I give it back cursing at him in my head and smile. He clears his throat a few times and mutters “mmmmm” “umm hmmmmm”. “Hmmmmm”. I say ”Well? Howz it?” “Fine” he says. Then he says “So, you’ve already started taking your Dostinex (for prolactin levels)” I said “No, how could I? It wasn’t prescribed.” “Yes it was” “No… It WASN”T. If you had prescribed it, Issac (pharmacist) would have given it to me and charged me for it. It wasn’t in the computer for him to give me.” “Oh. Ok. Well, I’ll give you now then.” (me,: sigh) He brightens up… “But you have your Gonal F?” I said “YUP! In the fridge here” and he continues to say: “Good, good. And you have your Decapeptrl also, hmmm?” I look to lovely nurse in shock like “is he FUCKING JOKING?” and then I look at him and say….”NOOOOOOOOOOOO. You said you weren’t using that this cycle! You were using whatchamacallit… the one that cuts the LH level like magic…” and he looks at the chart… “ah yes, it’s here, I didn’t see that at first”. I look deep in his eyes, serious as a heart attack and say quietly “you realize you are scaring the hell out of me, right?” He says “no, it’s fine… just go to the Ultrasound room now and I’ll be in a moment.” I get all excited (sad, isn’t it?) cause the machine is NEW and I tell him so. I shoot out of his office to go “assume the position”.

Mmmm, new machine is nicccce. Cool. I look around for a place to “remove everything from waist down”. This room is small. Damn small. So small in fact that with the U/S machine and the bed side by side I had to turn sideways and inch along the wall to get to the stripping area. No curtain. Just great. I put my purse down. Look around to see if I have a hook to hang things or a chair to place them. No hook. No chair. Well damn. Shit shit shit. I take them off at light speed, fold them as quick as possible and dump them on my purse. Turn around bare assed and, with thighs clamped together to prevent any spillage, sidle on past the lovely new machine. Nurse lovely is giggling like a loon by this point, and quite frankly I don’t blame her. I hop up on the table and the stirrups are different now too! Oh how exciting! It’s the ones that support the back of your thighs as your ass hangs off the edge of the table. I like these kind! Nurse lovely says “you want a sheet?” and I look at the door opposite my spread legs and say “yes, that would be nice, thank you” and she proceeds to place a sheet a little bigger than a kitchen towel over my nether regions. Ah, yes, that makes SUCH a difference. Then she looks and says :”move a little lower down… yes, that’s it.” I tell her “honey, any lower and I’ll be on the floor.” Then… I lay there. For. A. while. I swing my legs in gentle circles in the stirrups, and look down at my brightly pedicured toes idly swinging in the air from time to time. I stare at the ceiling.. and tell Nurse L “you know, we need some posters up here” I say pointing up. She said what do you mean? I said, “You know, Sean Connery, Mel Gibson, Hugh Jackman… Some hot men to stare at while on here. She agrees with my idea and makes a few suggestions. We decide on a collage. I think she has a thing for Hugh Grant. Anyhoooo…. Suddenly I hear the door, and feel a hand on my foot. OH NO! It’s Nurse Lucy (the ditzy one!). She scared the shit out of me. She said something to N. Lovely and lifted the ‘Sheet” looked at me, and put it down, then walked out. But something is wrong this time. I feel a draft. I peer through my open knees and notice that……….

SHE LEFT THE FUCKING DOOR OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, the door that is DIRECTLY. Opposite. The. Table. I start stuttering… “um, Nurse L, um, uh uh uh uh Ddddddoooorrrrr. Cccloseitttt….” She gasps “OH!” and runs over to shut it. 2 minutes later… dum dum returns.. and leaves the door open again…. “SHUT IT!” I squeak out. She shuts it. Nurse lovely starts playing with my hair, stroking it.. and I get sleepy again… Lucy the dingbat is checking out my toe polish color. We are all waiting for the Wand Monkey. He comes flying in through a side door (all 6’5 and a half of him making the room seem even smaller that it is.) I didn’t know existed and scares 5 years off my life. I almost fall off the table.

In true wand monkey style, he takes up the wand, jamms it home as I curse silently and fluently at him in my head and proceeds to: Shift it into 1st gear. Then straight to 4th. Down and over into reverse (im yelping “HEY! WATCH IT!!!” by this time)and back up to 2nd. Then he yanks it out and says “FINISHED!” I ask cause Im obviously begging for it…”So, how does everything look? All OK?” and he says on the way out. “Fine. Same as usual” and leaves. I look at Lucy and Lovely and say “now what the hell is that supposed to mean? He can’t even remember what drugs he’s giving me this time!?” Well shit. I turn to see that Lovely is holding my pants that were folded with my pretty black lace edged panties and requisite equipage attached and they are not folded nicely anymore. F. U. C. K- M.E. They are all twisted around. dammit. Sigh.

On the bright side, by this time I realized that Nurse Lovely is one of my favorite injection givers, all things considered. She is relatively painless and has a gentle touch. As she gave me my injection (right cheek, thank you very much) I told her over and over how much I love her for not hurting me. See, Nurse Lucy likes to pretend my lily-white ass is a DARTBOARD. Then guess what I find out as I leave to go pick up the medicine that he THOUGHT I had already started? I say “see you tomorrow for my injection” and she gives me a sad smile and says “I’m off for the next two days”.

Well hell.

Here we go again!

Well, just an update.... Aunt Flo showed up about an hour and a half ago.

Waiting for Doc's phone call in about 30 minutes. He's "with a patient". Sigh.

I'll give you all the lowdown when I have more. See ya!

************************

Ok, I actually have SOME small clue what's going on now. I think!

Well, lemmie see I went in this afternoon for my visit to the vampire. (ie: I had a blood draw with the IVF nurse)Check. Bled profusely all over the damn place cause said vampire screwd up. She is a little (major understatement) dingy, and a little slow on the take, if you get my drift?? So she froze t first as blood pumped from my HALF SHUT VEIN. I Valiantly managed to keep my big mouth shut on the comments that threatned to spew forth. Of course I managed to mutter "Oh fuck,give me a damn..fuck.shit.Fuck!" a few times... but otherwise I controlled.

Next, had to remind her to enter the prescription for my meds......like DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!enough for 6 days at maximum dose I reminded her... just for starters. I recieved a blank look.*repeats above cursing silently to self* Then I wonder, when is my favorite, slightly less stupid nurse coming back from vacation??? So I ask. Next week. THANK YOU GOD!

Dizzy and lightheadded from losing waaaay too much blood from numerous sources, I stumble downstairs... we are talking big ass marble, so must be careful not to slip and break my damn neck,staircase here.... WAYYYY the fuck down the hall-I mean FAR, as in I wish I had roller skates far- to the pharmacy. elbow my way up front, cause hell, they all know me and I AM THE IMPORTANT ONE HERE! I notice as the girl toddles off to the fridge to get my stash that there is one nosy cow behind me.... ears wide open. So guess what I do? Cumon, guess. I say real loud" GIMMIE MY DRUGS,yeaaaah!!! DO I NEED THE NEEDLES TOO???no. I got plenty." then I make a BIG production of counting all the boxes of meds....loud...........ALL THEM DAMN BOXES..... THREE TIMES. and then I said.... ahem......"Well don't I look like an additct? Gimmie my shiiiiiiiiiit"(pharmacist knows me well, we all tease each other)then we both cackled like hyeneas.Me more so since I could see nosy woman's facial expression in the mirror reflection in front of me. Mission accomplished.

Back up the long ass hallway to the staircase from Hell to dummy, give her the meds to put in their fridge, but first I make her mark my name on the bag.....in front of me. Back down the stairs and down the hall.......... to the cashier.... to fork out......

over US$1,200.00 equivalent for 6 days meds.(I hope they last 6 days) this is only the first batch... there will be more.Argue with the dumb ass about why i want a reciept.....until I get one, hanging half off the counter, still with a spinning head.

I go out in the SICK GODDAMN 120 degree heat + humidity levels I don't want to consider, to my car... and drive home thinking...."Im SO gonna hurt someone if it doesn't work this time".

Saturday I have a date with the wand monkey for real this time (oh joy, on day 3. women, you KNOW what I mean) and a needle afterwards chock full of 225IU of pure recombitant FSH... called Gonal F.. a hormone that my Pituatary gland is too freaking lazy to produce like it's supposed to, since I obviously pissed it off when I was young and it holds grudges like the mafia... so I therefore have to inject it into my poor butt daily.

Cyn, the human pincushion at your service.

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!

Sorry, I've been at a conference for the past couple of days in case you were wondering why I was being so quiet.

Actually, I was sitting there in that conference, boiling hot, praying that AF wouldn't start up right then, since bathroom runs would have been only every 2-3 hours when the let us out of our cell... I mean, the hotel ballroom which felt like I was in HELL. Seriously. The walls were papered in something that felt like burgundy velvet and black marble. It was so G.D. hot.... outside temp ONLY 113degrees and 70% humidity (that's about 41c-ish) and the damn air conditioning was on low-to nothing. Hamsters breathe stronger than the airflow from the central a/c in that room dammit.Jeeeez.

It was pretty informative... if a bit repetitious.OK, a LOT repetitous.(sp?)Why, oh WHY was the loud, obnoxious IGNORANT asshole sitting behind me? They told us to put our mobiles on silent or shut em off. Did Ahole? NOOOOOOOOO. He would answer it.... and talk.... F-O-R-E-V-E-R. THEN... he would interrupt the speaker (any and ALL of them) to interrupt with a stupid question and/or arguementative comment. I somehow managed not to smack him one. Even after he made the loud-under-his-breath-comment to his neighbor that "the US created Money laundering...blah blah blah bullshit..all their fault to corrupt and control the world...blah blah" even though the speaker 2 people before CLEARLY stated that forms of money laundering has been going on since waaaaay before Christ appeared on this earth.You know, when the good ole US of A didn't really exist yet. What scares me is that this dumb ass runs a bank. He is a CEO. of an INVESTMENT BANK.

Honestly, I didn't realize I had such self control.Must have been all the chocolate in my system.(see below)

On the bright side... the confrence was held in the Ritz Carlton... and guess what I found out? Hmmm? They have a yummy Chocolate Mousse. And a yummy chocolate mousse cake with gnache icing...scrumptious chocolate and almond shortbread cookies, and various other shortbread cookies...and killer carrot cake(non frosted)too. (I love me some carrot cake) Hey GET OFF MY ASS ! I have PMS..... it's the ONE time of the month that I eat chocolate. What kind of dumb ass would I be to not eat it all? DAYUM. There is also Killer garlic mashed potatoes that I am sure they made with heavy cream...-that stuff was RICH-...beef medallions in a peppercorn sauce......and.......... WAY TOO MUCH GODDAMN FISH. I hate fish. No, really. The smell of cooked fish (or a fishmarket for that matter)makes me gag. The taste in my mouth makes my stomach heave. The ONLY type of fish that is safe for me to consume is....tuna (ie: sandwich)& COD fish- only cod "fish and chips style" drenched in malt vinegar. And that only rarely.I mean rarely. Like- when I go to England-rarely.I think you get the point.

The first day there were 6 kinds of fish offered for main course. 6. Not counting all the varieties of salad with seafood. Some dumb ass got it in his head to put little bits of fish in Penne Arribiata.W.T.F.?? Now why would the chef do that?*gasp*

Anyway, for ONCE my prayers were answered. AF still hasn't shown up. That's not to say that I wasn't having the cramps from hell and had to be quiet. No whimpers from me, even though it was a close thing there a couple of times.

Maybe she will show up on the weekend. Now that would be fun. Wanna know why? BECAUSE.... then I would have to call Dr-Im-not-probably-going-to-be-here-for-your-egg collection-OR-embryo-transfer-and-am-gonna-dump-your-ass-on-a complete-stranger-but-who-really-gives-a-shit in to the office on the WEEKEND. Maybe I'll go show up on his doorstep. I DO live about 8 houses away from him, if that. That'll piss him off.heh heh.Yeah, I'll do it.

Does that make me evil? GOOOOOOOOOD!

Don't think I've EVER looked so forward to getting my period in my life!(One has to take the little joys one finds as we meander aimlessy through life)

Countdown

Yup, the front of the line for the IVF Rollercoaster is in view now. Not much longer to wait till I can get on.

Aunt Flo should show up in 4-5 days.... then 3 days after that my ass will become a pincushion. I just pray I don't get any hits near my siatic nerve like the time before last. That was just too damn close for comfort.

I am lucky because I don't have to give myself the injections like some of my IVF/IUI "sisters". On the down side.... that means just about every nurse gets to have me flash them a cheek for an injection at one time or another. No dignity whatsoever.

You all wanna hear the REAL kicker?

It looks like my IVF Doc will be OUT.OF.TOWN. when it is time for my EC (Embryo collection). He will be at a conference. Erm, I'm having a mild freak out over this..... do any of my pals think Im being..... unreasonable about this?

I mean, he will probably have some STRANGER do my EC, and possibly my ET too......... call me shy or whatever, but I don't like haveing strangers poking around in there. The strange Doc will have to have her FACE-IN-MY-CROTCH for at least 20 minutes for the ET. Well shit.

I think this qualifies for a completely justified freak out....don't you?

Oh no she didn't!!??(I'm afraid, yes, she did!)

Last night I was in the process of mentally constructing a lovely post on my blog. It was going to be really funny, a clever little anecdote, I seem to remember. But all that changed while reading the “tickertape” news at the bottom of the screen on CNN. What I read made my blog entry completely erase from my brain, which really sucks monkey butt (baboon variety to be precise). Guess what I read? Can you? Are you equally FLOORED and laughing hysterically like me? I bet you are. I read this:

“OSCAR WINNING ACTRESS GWENNETH PALTROW GIVES BIRTH TO BABY GIRL NAMED APPLE BLYTHE ALLISON MARTIN”.

Huh?WTF??!!?? Apple? Like, as in APPLE PIE apple? As in the fruit????? OH-MY-GOD! That poor little baby Apple. I’d love to know what the HELL possessed Gwen to name her poor kid Apple. Nice little Jewish girl like Gwen names her kid THAT?? Blythe is nice, after Gwen’s mama, Allison is pretty too….. Why not Allison Blythe Apple Martin? Oh Lord is that kid in for HELL for the next…… 20 years at least! Can you imagine her in Kindergarten? Primary School? I mean, kids can be EVIL. All your mama and daddy’s millions isn’t going to save you from the wagging tongues of the vicious little kids at school, little Apple.

Gee Gwen, why not Pear? Banana? Grape? Melon? Cherry? Guava? Mango? Plum? *shudder*. Maybe she is saving those for future children. Then she can have a fruit salad. (hardee har har)

That is just…. Sad. Yes, with a capital “S”. Typically I don’t comment on what anyone names their child… unless it is truly horrid…..like, oh, lets give an example here……… APPLE! or Hurricane. (Dave Stewart from Eurythmics- remember them?- named his son Hurricane Joe ages ago.)

I promise you ALL right here & now….. that when I get pregnant (notice not “if” but “when”.. I’m trying to be positive here!) I SWEAR to you ALL that I will not name my child some godforsaken name like APPLE. I have pretty normal names picked out. Promise. Names like Aidan and Connor for boy’s names. Anya (Aine- Gaelic spelling) for a girl. (Yes, Irish names this time around!) See? No fruit names. That there is some freaky shit, fruit names.

You can say I’m overreacting if you want, but I defy you to tell me you weren’t shocked when you heard it too.

Go on, try and lie to me.

Um, a clarification

I realize thanks to a good friend, that my "Date with a Wand Monkey" post could have a double meaning. Apparently the first paragraph was all full of double-entendre's, so please allow me to clarify, hmmmm?

Ahem.

A wand monkey is a (derogatory) nickname for the person that gives you an ultrasound. Particularly the vaginal kind, but it also goes for rectal too. For the men out there, I've heard a rumor that there is also one they do by inserting one up the penis. Sounds like a blast, no? (Ok, I suppose not)But, hey! Turnabout is fair play, although it DOES sound painful.

Anyhow, I hope this clears up the fact that I had a date with an ULTRASOUND MACHINE and NOT a vibrator.

Any questions?

I'm a patient of Dr. Jeckyl and Mr.Hyde, it seems

Well damn me if I didn't come out of my wand monkey date all upside down? ( and SO not in a good way!)

First off. I ended up NOT having an ultrasound. He changed his mind and didn't want to do one. Fine. No dildo cam for me this time. Okeedokee.

Apparently my hormones are good enough (well, for me) to go ahead with this cycle. Good. Good.

My Prolactin is damn high, but that can be taken care of with 2 pills. No prob.

Generally speaking, it takes quite a lot to get me confused and discombobulated... im a pretty smart woman.... but HE managed to do it. Now get a load of this.

He changed his damn mind...... again. Remember I said he was going to give me Puregon this time around? Nuh-uh. Changed his DAMN MIND.... AGAIN. Then I made the mistake of asking "Why is that?" Mistake. He got all huffy. THEN he started doing math calculations (big damn mistake on HIS part-he KNOWS I HATE THIS- cause math IS GUARANTEED to make me zone out and get confused...Guaranteed!- he might as well have started speaking Sanscrit or Armaic like in the Passion of Christ) At least the movie had subtitles when you are lost and confused.Sigh. I threw HIS OWN DAMN ARGUEMENT FOR THE PUREGON BACK AT HIM WORD-FOR-WORD. He said "not necessarily".(bastard)*Cyn sitting with gaping mouth starting at him in complete shock, sputtering* "But, but.... but... you said..... and then you said... but.... huh????" and THEN he ROLLED HIS EYES.(sonofabitch)His last word on the meds..... cumon.... GUESS! He said.........

"Fine. Use whatever medicine you want.. they are both rFSH... just make up your mind and let me know so I can write the prescription." (Well F-you too!)

Wait, it gets better (if you can imagine that!)THEN he ASKED me... (with my 3 previous charts in front of him)

Doc: "What Down reg protocol have you done?"
ME: (WTF?????)"1st cycle w/ Puregon... None. 2nd cycle..gonal F,,, short protocol from day 1 of cycle till HCG trigger, 3rd time (last time) Gonal F, Long protocol starting 15 days before Af show up to HCG triger on cycle day 20."
Doc: "So, what do you want to do this time? Long protcol again?"
ME: "It's up to me??Isn't it a little LATE in my cycle for that now?" (dufus)
Doc: "Oh yeah, it is, huh?"
Me: silent
Doc: "Well......."
ME: "You said there was an injection that I only need IF my LH starts moving in the wrong direction.....
Doc: "Oh no, I can do this one.... yeah, that will be good... hmmmmmmmm"
ME: "WHAT!? DO WHAT?"
DOC: "Oh, its an injection from day 8 or so every day in addition to the stim."
ME: (tired and dizzy) "OK, fine. Thats good."(never mind that each one is an additional 80 bucks- whatever.)

He wore me out. I tell you. Makes me wonder what he will do when the cycle actually starts!

Date With A Wand Monkey

Yup. You read right! I've got a date today with a wand monkey at 4:30. He has new equipment, so at least there will be something interesting for me to investigate this visit.

I started off my morning at 7am - fuuuuuck(!)- getting a blood draw. Well hello Mary Fucking Sunshine. NOT! That woke me the hell up, but fast. looks like I'm going to have a beautiful bruise the size of a big ole plum on the inside of my right elbow. Well shit.shit. shit!

3 pills of Progluyton to go... (yes, I miss counted the other night.)Countdown is about to begin for AF. I am extremely curious about my appt with the Wand Monkey today.

I'll keep y'all posted!

Miss Scarlett's Dumb-Ass of the Week Award

Hello y'all! It's that time again! Yup. I found another dumbshit for your viewing pleasure. Read on my friends, read on.........

From today's paper (GDN): A Dubai court has jailed for one year a 26-year old eeast Indian man caought breaking into a house wearing only shoes and a backpack. Police saw the naked man, identified only as A.T., scaling a wall of a villa in an exclusive area back in October 2003. He was found to be carrying several stolen digital cameras which he used "to shoot pictures of nude women in compromising positions", as well as jewellery, mobile phones and cash. The burgular was found guilty of theft and breaking and entering and wil be deported after serviing his sentence.

WTF?? What about indecent exposure? What a dumb ass. Breaking in to a house butt nekkid cept for a backpack and shoes? Damn. He got beat with the stoopid stick one too many times, now didn't he?

"A Little Smut Never Hurt Anybody"

Got an email with pictures from my Mom this morning. (I'll add a pic on here as soon as I figure out HOW TO!)

She's so cute. Really adorable. She's gorgeous too! Men just stop and stare at her, even with her pushing 60(I am SO dead for saying that). I'm not just saying that. She really is. She has taken good care of herself and looks much younger than she is, would look even more so if she didn't have such dammed health problems.

Z says she looks like a slightly older Sharon Stone (how Sharon looks now), and there is something about her that does, although I can't put my finger on it exactly. She has such a big heart, my Mama. Solid 24k!I'm not just saying that either. She does. Z's family that HATE ME, LOVE My Mama. So there(even when she called them all assholes to their faces for mistreating her baby-that would be ME!!)! I don't think I look much of anytthing like her. I look like my Dad's mother... my Nana.... right down to the bosom... exactly. Only difference is that I have bright clear green eyes and hers were swimming pool blue and her temper, from what I've heard, was worse than mine. Oh yeah, gotta love that Irish temper!

Anyway, Mama mentioned that she will send a care package for Arianna full of Summer goodies and clothes, etc.. and included are some of the novels I ordered and had sent to her address. Ok, they are historical romance novels for my Calgon moments when I just need to be mentally somewhere else for a while. Get off my ass. They make me happy.

Now. Ahem.

I love my Nana. Still do even though she passed away 9 years ago. She was my Dad's mother... (and didn't take no-ones shit, especially not HIS!), me not having ever known my maternal grandparents who passed way before I was born.

Anyway, Mama, who was always real close with Nana and said she was the best.. ABSOLUTE BEST mother in law ANYONE could EVER HAVE, mentioned that my Nana always used to read romances too...voraciously (aw... I LOVE my Nana. Miss her something fierce) Nana always used to say, apparently, "a little smut never did anyone any harm". Also when she would go to the movies with her friends and they would be having hissyfits about the sex and language she would say "Shut the hell up!! I can't hear anything!! A little smut isnt going to kill you!" Isn't that just the cutest? I can TOTALLY picture her face when she said it too. Quite expressive she was.

I just get a warm fuzzy feeling when I get little insights into my family like this. Especially things about my immediate family, since I can make sense out of things about myself.

Think I'll go and read a book. This one's for you Nana!

Dazed and Confused

Last night I was staring at my little blisterpac of Progluyton. (For those of you that don't know what that is, it's a little pill I have to take every day to keep my cycle regular. Kind of like a birth control pill, but NOT!)I've got 5 more pills left,including today's, then followed by 6-7 days of waiting for AF to show up. That's when the "fun" begins.

Heh. Heh. Uh-huh.

I am not as psychotically obsessed with this IVF cycle as with the previous three. At least so far I'm not.There is still a good week to go. I mean, next week should be a blast with my PMS well and truly kicking in, no?

But for right now... I am, well, kind of numb about it all. It strikes me as damn odd, but, I can't seem to get worked up about it. I'm numb in a way like when you are at the Dentist (one of my most hated places to be BTW) and they give you the blocking shots to have a really nasty cavity filled. You get numb, and can't feel much of anything, but are still distantly aware of the pressure of the drill,, well that and the horrid sound of it and the smell of the tooth being dug out.*gag,heave* Anyhoo, that's kind of how I feel.

Maybe I'm just, sub-conciously afraid to get all "into it" again. That as long as I don't get my hopes up, I won't get my heart broken as badly if/when it doesn't work. Maybe I'm hoping that I won't have to get so depressed when my daughter looks at me, all almost 10 years old, and says so sad looking "Mama, why can't you bring me a brother or...SISTER? I really want a sister. A little sister is what I really want!", looking at me because, for another month,yet again, I've let her down.

This really gets to me more than you can imagine. I remember feeling exactly the same way. Saying the exact same thing to my Mom. Almost daily, like a routine. My poor Mama. More than anything I wanted a little sister.Innocently I would harass her again and again, not knowing that my Dad forced her to have 2 abortions saying "I don't want any more kids!! I have 4 already!" (3 from his first wife, who are all 17 +yrs older than me and I barely knew them...their Mom was being nasty...so I only knew the middle one, Joey, cause he lived with us when I was a baby/toddler..he was more trouble than his mother could handle, so my mom took him on so he could be under the firm, hard-ass hand of Dad.)No matter that my Mom told him "but I just have one." No. It had to be Dad's way and no one could have it any other way than his. It wasn't that they couldn't afford another child. My parents were pretty well off. Not so-filthy-you-fart-money-rich, but a helluva lot more than comfortable. Dad just didn't want any more. My Mom has regretted this her whole life. I see how my mom suffers with me, her only child, all the way over on the other side of the world, along with her only grandchild. I still wish that I had a little sister, or brother somewhere on the planet, but I don't. I don't want to think of Arianna feeling like I have my whole life, so I suppose this IVF is as much for her as it is for me. I know I'm blessed to have her. But I am a stubborn little shit, and when I put my moind to something, I don't give up until it is 100% mine or 100% beyond hope of ever achieving.

Don't get me wrong, I'm trying to be positive and psych myself out for this upcoming attempt.... but, that fear is lurking. What is even more worrying.... maybe it's becoming some weird type of NORMAL to me.

Now THAT is some freaky shit right there, isn't it?

Hopefully I'll be better tomorrow.

Why Me?

I've been better, definetly.

Hello all. Sorry I've been a bit quiet (well for me anyway!) lately. I've been sick as a dawg with what I'm pretty sure is the worst sinus infection I have EVER had in my life. Couldn't take it anymore and went to the ENT on Thursday, he said "WHOA! Thats some serious infection!BED REST and take all these meds!!" He didn't have much arguement from me, I tell you. As it was, I barely dragged myself to go see him. I figured my head was going to explode.

Then I thought: Hmmm, better get myself straightend out, cause AF should show up in about 11 days and then three days after that, I begin stims for IVF#4. And if I have an infection, Doc might just tell me to piss off till I'm better... and that would mean I have to wait another month. Sounds like fun, no? (not)

Just one small, teensy weensy probelm.........

I got a thrush infection of my throat/mouth from the stupid fucking antibiotics!!!! I knew this would happen, and I told him too. It isn't pretty and is awfully painful. True, it could have been worse....ie: (for the slow) it could have manifested someplace more SOUTH if you get my drift? So all in all, I guess I'm a lot better off than I could be, right?

As is, I'm wondering what my IVF Doc will say when he does an ultrasound for me either tomorrow or the next day. Ok, fine. I'm terrified. I've been in horrible pain (left ovary area, thank you for asking) off and on and I"m hoping that it is a cyst dissolving. I hope. I was in such pain at 4am yesterday hiding in the bathroom, that Z must have heard my whimpers of pain cause I saw a blur at the door (I tried to be quiet, I really did) looked at him through slitted eyes and saw the look of PURE TERROR on his face.

Then I watched him turn and run...... in the opposite directon. Chickenshit. I was in so much pain, I couldn't even bother to eek out a small curse, even silently. You know I'm bad if I can't toss out a curse. Maybe my half asleep brain was too busy cursing and ranting at my ovary to "calm the fuck down and cut that shit out" to function in any other way. That could be it.

Shit if I know.